Saturday, August 30, 2008

Wedding Sirens

Since a good friend of mine is getting married soon, I thought I'd give him some advice - seeing as how I've been married over a year and am now an expert. So, Jeff, this is for you. Take these things to heart and things will sail smoother than a sailboat on a smooth lake.

First of all, don't believe the old adage of "Don't go to bed angry." Sometimes you need to sleep things off and things will look brighter in the morning. If you stay up to resolve an argument you're just going to get sleepier and grumpier as the night wears on.

Save the planet and conserve water - shower together.

Get plenty of sleep before the wedding day and carry snacks on you. You'll be surprised how quickly your mood will shift when you get tired and hungry on your wedding day and they're still taking pictures.

Show interest in your spouse's interests even if you're really not interested in their interests. Interesting, no?

Always give 110%, even if that's not logically or humanly possible to give more than 100%.


But probably the most important advice I can give you, Jeff, on your special day, is to make sure that you get any restraining orders taken care of between you and your loved one!!!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Breaking Silence

I can't take it anymore!

I've stood by silently for too long. I may have commented privately to certain individuals about my feelings in the past, but I need to broadcast my feelings to the world now.

I hate the Twilight series.

I've read too many blogs and have listened to too many people gushing about how much they love the series and how wonderful the books are. What a crock!

I initially had no problem with the books when they first came out. I even thought about reading them. I mean, after all, I like vampires. I like werewolves. I like reading good books. However, I soon found out that the very reason I dislike this series is precisely because of how much I like the aforementioned things.

Now I realize that it wasn't fair for me to judge the books without reading them. Therefore, I read the whole series on Wikipedia (which was painful enough, believe me). Before I just disliked them - now I hate them.

Why, you may ask? I'll tell you why (that's the purpose of this post, afterall). But it wouldn't be fair to give a one-sided criticism about this series of books, so I will now list the pros and cons of Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.




WARNING! THIS POST WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FROM ALL OF THE BOOKS.




Pros:

1. The covers are kind of cool (although Stephenie Meyer admitted she really didn't have much to do with those).

Cons:

1. The books are not well-written. I've heard from a number of different people (some of them who even liked the books) that the writing is repetitive, immature and cliched.

2. Vampires have fangs. As far as I can tell Edward and his gang basically just gnaw at the necks of their victims. Fangs, I guess, would have been too unattractive for Ms. Meyer. Joss Whedon managed to make vampires attractive with fangs, though, as well as others.

3. They're trashy romance novels for pre-teen girls. If you look at the storyline, the writing and the characters this is a romance novel like any other romance novel (i.e. strong-willed woman and the mysterious man who she fears, and then loves.) This is the gateway book to get girls reading Danielle Steele and the like.

4. Bella, the main character, wants to have sex, wants to become a vampire (aka "The damned") and yet she freaks out when Edward DARES to suggest marriage. Do I need to say anymore on this one?

5. Bella is a selfish, self-centered, whiny, manipulative, moody idiot. I do not like her as a fictional character. I could not relate to her as a protagonist. I don't want my daughter to emulate her and I would not want to associate with someone like her in real life.

6. Vampires burn in the daylight. In almost any other vampire folklore sunlight will turn vampires to ash and dust. On the contrary, in these novels the sun makes them glisten and sparkle. Once again, this is Stephanie trying to make the vampires seem more appealing and marketable instead of having any regard for the years of traditional folklore that came before her.

7. Stephenie Meyer admitted that she didn't do any research when she wrote these books. That explains a lot, but it's not an excuse. I would give you the reference for that quote, but I decided not to do any research when writing this post.

8. Vampires don't attend school. Sure, they may get bored, but since they're stuck at one age for eternity I don't think he could pass as a student for very long. Apparently Edward is going to look like a high-school student forever. Acne? Forever? Sounds horrible to me.

9. How many times can you say that Edward is "like marble" or "cold stone," Stephenie?? Seriously!

10. Vampires aren't witches, wizards or mutants. Apparently Meyer got "supernatural" mixed up with "superheroes" and made it so her vampires can read minds, see the future (but they can't see werewolves in their visions. . .that would be crazy) and create invisible shields. They're vampires, Stephenie, not the X-men.

11. This isn't an original idea. There have been a ton of stories about a mortal girl falling for a vampire before. There was even an entire book series called "The Vampire Diaries" which was released back in the 90s and there are some striking similarities in their stories.

12. I don't like Jacob. He follows Bella around like a little lost puppy (HA! It's a canine joke!) even though she treats him like dirt and OBVIOUSLY was going to end up with Edward. Plus, he is in love with Edward and Bella's baby. EW!

13. The whole concept of "imprinting" is just ridiculous. It just is. Face it.

14. There is WAY too much sex in these books. Especially in the last one. Good heavens, Meyer, know your audience! Quit talking about how violent vampire sex is and how much Bella wants to have it! These books are for little girls, for crying out loud!

15. The books make references to Shakespeare and other great literature. If you're a beginning writer, don't mention classic writings in your book - it only draws comparison to your work. And trust me, Stephenie, you don't want that.

16. Bella gets too depressed, too often. She's teaching young girls that it's ok to act like it's the end of the world when your high school boyfriend breaks up with you.

17. Edward gets too depressed, too often. He contemplates suicide when he thinks she's dead. Dude, you're telling me that in the last 100 years or so that you've been alive that you've never had a girl leave you before? Bella's not that great, Edward. You could have done better.

18. Vampires sleep in coffins. This is usually to help shield them from the sunlight, but Stephenie already threw that theory out the window along with fact that vampires can't see their reflection (Alice shows Bella her reflection in a mirror after she becomes a vampire).

19. Stephenie calls them "werewolves" during the whole series and then suddenly revealed at the end that they were just "shape-shifters" that happen to turn into wolves. This ruined most of my complaints about the way she portrayed werewolves (i.e. they communicate telepathically, they are conscious of their actions when they're wolves, they protect the human race and they ride motorcycles - werewolves only ride on top of vans) since they weren't real werewolves anyway. Touche, Ms. Meyer. You win this round by your "clever" twist at the end.

20. Vampires can't have children! Once again, for those of you who didn't get it the first time, they're damned. They can't progress. They're creatures who are cursed. Even the great Edward himself states that a vampire is a "soulless monster." Stephenie Meyer tries to wrap it up in a neat, little package, but there is no "happily ever after" for vampires.


END OF SPOILERS




So, there you go. I could (and maybe should) go on, but I'll leave it at this for now. I've weighed the pros and cons of the books and now you can decide for yourself what you think about them - after all, everyone is entitled to their opinion.