Slice of Fried Gold

Playful-NES

2012-01-23T00:01:00.161-07:00

Faithful readers, I have a confession to make to you: I got sidetracked this week.

I had a bunch of cool videos, weird stories and odd websites in the queue, ready to be made into a full-blown Slice of Fried Gold post, but then an alert reader named Ryan sent me a video game. I opened the link, started to play, and suddenly a few days had passed. Whoops.

However, as I was completely ignoring my wife and children, I got to thinking, "Maybe I should make THIS the post for this week." AND SO I SHALL!

Here's the reason I didn't write/eat/bathe/stand-up for all of those hours:

Now, probably only the die hard Nintendo fans will know Abobo by name, but many of you may recognize his face. This is Abobo:

That's right, he's one of the mini bosses from the classic NES game Double Dragon. Apparently Roger Barr and his buddies thought that Abobo would be the perfect protagonist for their love letter to old-school Nintendo games. They take this minor character and place him in the middle of a number of classic NES games as he tries to save his son, Aboboy.

And it's awesome.

Seriously, I had so much fun playing Abobo's Big Adventure. The look, music, controls and gameplay took me back to a simpler time when movies had to rewind and telephones had cords. As Abobo fights to find his son, you'll travel through such games as Super Mario Bros., Mega Man, Contra and more. Plus, it mashes a number of games together, so you have cameos from a variety of NES video game characters.

Half of the fun is being surprised by what Nintendo games and characters make an appearance, so I don't want to spoil Abobo's Big Adventure, but here are a few fun shots from gameplay:

Zombies and a polar bear in the middle of Contra? Why not?

So many characters, so little time.

Even Zelda, which I didn't play that much growing up, still brought back a ton of memories.

Now, I should warn you that this game is a little violent. Abobo has a big appetite and a lot of muscle, so, at times, he doesn't hold back on dispatching an enemy. But it's mostly 8-bit blood and gore, so. . .

And did I mention that this game is completely free?

So there you have it. If you're a fan of the old school NES video games, Abobo's Big Adventure is truly a treat. There are so many cameos, Easter eggs and shout-outs in this game that it's hard to pick a favorite, but I will say that I was surprised to find a secret party at the top of the "elevator," and I'm glad I still know the Konami code by heart.

Oh, and for the sake of your spouse and children, please know that there IS a pause button and the game regularly saves itself, so you can return to the game later and start where you left off.

Happy gaming!

My Own Subjective Top 10 Movies of 2011

2012-01-16T00:01:00.289-07:00

For the past couple of years, I have posted a list of my top 10 movies I've watched in the previous calendar year. 2011 is no exception. Below are movies that I saw for the first time this past year that made a big impression on me. This year seemed to be harder than most - I had a list of over 20 fantastic films that I had to whittle down to these top ten best:

10. Spirited Away (2001) - Spirited Away presents an imaginative new world with fantastic characters and creatures. It reminds me of movies such as Labyrinth and Alice and Wonderland, where the bizarre becomes acceptable and reality is easily suspended. This is the first film I had ever seen by Hayao Miyazaki, and I was blown away by his stylized animation and fantastic imagery. This film won't be enjoyable for some (it's very odd), but Miyazaki's folkloric fantasy is undeniably unique.

9. Tangled (2010) - Tangled is a cute, cute movie. The animation is brilliant, the characters are fun and the story is entertaining. I could easily see this being performed on Broadway and Mother Gothel being the coveted role for many an actress. I will admit that I liked the book Rapunzel's Revenge better than this movie, but Tangled still felt like the return of classic Disney animated movies.

8. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2 (2011) - This isn't my favorite Harry Potter movie, but this film is a fitting finish to the Harry Potter series. It packs a powerful dramatic punch and shows how far our characters have come from the original movie. I was bothered by some changes they made from the book, but I understand (kind of) why they had to do it. I'm sad to see the Harry Potter films go, but it was a great ride.

7. Best Worst Movie (2009) - Best Worst Movie is surprisingly deep for a documentary about "Troll 2." For those of you that haven't seen Troll 2, please stop reading this post and do it now. It's one of those movies that is so bad that it's good. This documentary is very humorous at times, but it also delves into serious drama. It's probably better if you have seen Troll 2, but if you haven't seen it, this documentary will stir a desire in you to watch one of the best worst movies ever made.

6. Devil (2010) - Devil is the result of M. Night Shyamalan coming up with a story, and then letting other people write the screenplay and direct the film - and it works. This surprisingly clean horror movie has some well-done creepy moments and interesting twists. It reminded me of a Twilight Zone or X-files episode. Plus, it has a very faith-affirming message, despite the demonic title.

5. Catfish (2010) - The less you know about Catfish, the better. Just know that 1. It's a real documentary and 2. It's absolutely fascinating to watch the story unfold. I went into this movie expecting one thing and was completely taken off guard by where it ended up. Even if you know how it all ends, this movie is still worth a watch.

4. The Social Network (2010) - The Social Network presents a fascinating take on the origins of Facebook and the social media craze. David Fincher does a spectacular job of creating complex characters that go from despicable to likable and back in a matter of minutes. From the story to the acting to the soundtrack - this movie excelled. I was surprised by how much I liked this film, even with all the hype surrounding it.

3. 127 Hours (2010) - 127 Hours is Aron Ralston's amazing story, told beautifully by Danny Boyle and his filmmaking crew. James Franco gives a very believable performance as Ralston and it's hard not to get caught up in it all. This high-quality film is upbeat and uplifting, despite the grim subject matter. Danny Boyle has already impressed me with a number of his films already, and this one has firmly cemented him into one of my favorite directors of all time.

2. Kick-@$$ (2010) - I feel that Kick-@$$ would have been better as a PG-13 movie. Sure, this would have upset the comic book fan boys, but the strong, vulgar language and intense violence are distractions from the heart of this movie. At its core, this is an inspiring film about humanity rising to its full potential, and it's a fresh take on the superhero genre. The acting, plot, costume design, art direction, cinematography and soundtrack are all very well done, but I think the general public didn't embrace this movie because it is, simply, too much and I wouldn't recommend watching it unless you have a Clearplay DVD player, like me, or could find an edited version.

And my #1 favorite movie of the 2011 is. . .

1. The Muppets (2011) - Watching The Muppets made me feel like a kid again. I honestly felt great after watching this movie. The humor in this loving tribute is quick and plentiful, plus, at its core, this movie has a heart. It's not a campy/cheesy reboot like many of the half-hearted attempts from studio executives today, vainly attempting to re-live their childhood. The Muppets is a well-made well-thought-out sequel to the other Muppet movies and should please both the Muppet lover as well as newcomers to the world of Jim Henson. I loved this movie and I gladly welcome it to the Muppet canon.

So there you have it, faithful readers, those are my top ten movies that I saw in 2011. I understand that all art is subjective, and that you may (and probably do) disagree with some of the choices on this list, but I would still recommend all of the movies on this list for your viewing enjoyment.

I'd also like to give honorable mentions to The King's Speech (2010) , Dear Frankie (2004), Rio (2011), Paper Moon (1973), Interview with the Vampire (1994), Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1994), (500) Days of Summer (2009), RED (2010), X-Men: First Class (2011), Super 8 (2011) and True Grit (2010). Overall, 2011 was a pretty good year for movies.

Is This Real Life?

2012-01-09T00:01:00.033-07:00

Have you ever wondered what Disney princesses would look like if they were drawn more realistically? I mean, in real life, there's no way Ariel's 4-foot bangs could stay up like that. Well, apparently a Finnish artist named Jirka Väätäinen took on this challenge of making Disney princesses a little more realistic. Take a gander:

Ok, I confess, one of those isn't a Disney princess - Mulan isn't technically royalty.

You can check out the rest of Jirka's work on this Disney theme by clicking here.

Thanks to faithful reader, Bethany, for sending this one in!

The United Foods of America

2012-01-02T00:01:00.036-07:00

Since it's the New Year, I'd like to start this party with a bang! And what says "bang" more than a geography test, eh? EH? I thought so.

This map of the United States, sent in by, alert reader, Brad, uses food to represent each state.

Now, when you're ready to take this test, click the image above to enlarge it. If it's still too small for you, you can click here for the full-size food by state map. The answers are at the bottom of the page, though, so no cheating, please.

This test is threefold:

How many states can you identify on the map?
How many foods can you identify on the map?
Do you agree with the culinary choices made on the map and/or what would you change?

Bonus Question: How many of these foods have you actually tried?

Good luck, gumshoes!

Ho-Ho-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND IT'S BECOME A TRADITON!

2011-12-26T00:01:00.121-07:00

If you're a faithful reader of this blog - and, let's face it, who isn't? - then you know that each Christmas season for the past few years, I've dedicated a post to Santa Claus and frightened children. Well, I've decided to make it a tradition, so here we go once again.

"Hello, ladies. Look at your Santa, now back to me, now back at your Santa, now back to me."

Madison was not a fan of the movie Fred Claus, and she felt this Santa looked a little TOO much like Paul Giamatti.

Sydney's instincts were right - if the hair doesn't match the beard, it's a fake Santa.

Wyatt was terrified, but his mom was really enjoying the massage from Jolly Old St. Nicholas.

"HEY ABBOOOOOOTT!!!"

Luckily for Jennifer, she knew about the secret escape chute.

*Gulp*

"Whoa! I did NOT sign up for this!"

When Maureen heard Santa say "Now dash away!" she took it literally.

Santa was caught off guard by a sudden warm sensation on his knee.

"Ew! No! Why???"

"Did you see the chompers on this guy, Ma?"

Even Nikki's signature scissor kick was useless against the man in the red suit.

"Ew! He's touching the floor, mom! That means he has germs. Germs, mom! GERMS!"

Santa attempts to quiet the Baker Brothers by bashing their heads together.

Wine & Cheese

When his sister pulled down Santa's beard, DJ knew he'd been taken for a fool.

"Moooooooooom! He smells like reindeer breath!"

Fear - now in 3D!!!

Charlotte knew that the only defense against Santa Claus was a good zombie impersonation.

Asha and Reeyen were not pleased with the American tradition of forcing children to sit on a sweaty man's lap.

"Weeeeeeeeeee! Best roller coaster EVEEEEEER!"

"Find a happy place! I'm in ballet class! That's right, I'm a pretty ballerina in ballet class and not here! Not here!"

That'll teach him.

"Kris Kringle stole my hands!!"

"Say, mista, cantcha help a fella out? I'm dyin' hea, mista!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Morning, Mom. Where are we?"

"Ewww, Dad. He has poo on his lap!"

It's a drive-by frightening.

Margaret was just having a bad hair day and didn't appreciate being photographed.

I call this one "The Kinetic Motion of Fear."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!"

It was bound to happen at some point.

May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white!

Walking in a Miniatur Wunderland

2011-12-19T00:01:00.014-07:00

Faithful readers, are you listening?
In this tiny town, LEDs are glistenin'
From, alert reader, Dustin - a post worth discussin'
Here is Hamburg's Miniatur Wunderland!

Caution: This video is rated PG, for brief doll nudity, suggestive van rocking and pervasive German accents.

Make Sure You Get That Copyright Copy Right, Disney

2011-12-12T00:01:00.034-07:00

As many of you faithful readers know, here on Slice of Fried Gold we aim to entertain, but we also try to educate every now and then. Today's lesson is a little (lot) of both. Here is a short (10 minute) lesson on copyright laws and fair use, but done in a way that is sure to keep your attention:

Eh? Learned something, didn't you?

We've discussed Disney on this blog before, but I felt that this was an important lesson to learn in this era of YouTube videos and picture-based memes. My thanks to Professor Eric Faden of Bucknell University for making this video and a special thanks to, alert reader, Bethany for sending it in!

If You Gotta Go, Go With A Smile

2011-12-05T00:01:00.048-07:00

Faithful readers, do you remember the first time you went on a big roller coaster? I do. It was a moment that was seared into my little kid brain. My dad made me go on one called Colossus the Fire Dragon. I thought I could handle it, but as the coaster started up the initial hill and climbed higher and higher, I freaked out. I started pleading with my dad, asking him to tell the ride operator to stop the coaster - only to realize that my father had no power over the motorized chain pulling us along the track, nor did he have power over the steep drop after the hill, the two 65-foot High-G inversions and two helix turns. I was doomed. I thought I was going to die.

But I didn't die.

Believe it or not, roller coasters are very safe. They're designed to stay on the tracks and keep us securely in our seats. Roller coasters are not designed to kill us. . .except for this one:

Wow. What a way to go.

Gag Me With a Spoon and Leave It In There!

2011-11-28T00:01:00.091-07:00

If you asked me what the grossest candy I've ever eaten is (though I don't know exactly why you'd be asking me that, but you have asked me some weird questions in the past), I'd probably have to say that it would be Bertie Bott's sardine-flavored jelly beans, orange sticks (seriously, orange and chocolate flavors should NOT be mixed) or anything pineapple flavored.

But let's move on beyond the superficial aspect of taste. Sometimes taste isn't enough to judge what makes a candy gross. Let's use your other senses, like your sense of sight, your sense of fashion and your sense of common decency. Because I'm pretty sure that this candy violates all of those senses and more.

That's right, faithful readers, for only $17.99, you can get a box of 12 candy scabs! Yes. Candy scabs.

Lick Your Wounds candy features a plastic bandage that sticks on your arm, with a little compartment for your assortment of sugary blood clots. Simply open the compartment, take a lick and then close it again for future consumption - so not only can you gross other people out while you lick your band-aid, but you can also grow your own bacteria in that moist little compartment and gross out your digestive system.

Not grossed out yet? Well, then here's a close-up picture of the candy, complete with arm hair.

Lick your screen for a virtual taste-test!

You're welcome.

However, I like these posts to appeal to a wide variety of audiences. I know that this will really gross out a certain demographic of my faithful readers, so I've provided an alternate low-impact version of the Lick Your Wounds candy. Here's the gentler, softer Boo Boo Licks candy

Only $9 for six boxes with twelve gummy bandages each. They make great stocking stuffers - just place them on the heel to prevent blisters.

People Are (Still Disturbing) People

2011-11-21T00:01:00.009-07:00

We live in a very inconsistent world. The economy is down. Gas prices are up. This year's NBA season didn't happen. The Breaking Dawn movie did happen. However, in a time of turmoil like we have today, it's comforting to know that some things never change. For example, you can always count on the fact that weird people hang out at Walmart. And, once again, this fact is being celebrated by Jessica Frech and her posse.

Remember the original People of Walmart music video? Well, here's round two, sent in by, alert reader, Kim. And, I need to warn you, faithful readers, it is just as horrific as ever.

*shudder*

Man, I Love Being a Nostril

2011-11-14T00:01:00.051-07:00

Have you ever been told that you look like a celebrity? I have. Believe it or not, faithful readers, I've been told that I look like Christopher Lambert, Ralph Macchio, Zach Braff and even John Malkovich. While 64% of those are flattering, it's always a little odd to be told that you look like someone else.

Now let's take it one step deeper/weirder. What if I told you that a part of your body looked like a celebrity? Remember these guys?

If you're a child of the 80s or 90s, you probably do, but for those of you born after 1996 let me introduce the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. These guys were the coolest thing since sliced pizza back in the day. Now, does that make it any more flattering when I tell you that you look like one of these heroes in a half shell? Well, not your entire face - just your nose. In fact, based on a website that I recently found, I'd venture to say that everyone's nose has a little bit of Turtle Power.

Check it out:

Adrian's nose is especially good at sniffing out pizza.

Splinter may have been more appropriate, but this works.

Raphael and The Hulk: Distant cousins?

Since this one has no color, do you see John Krasinski as more of a Leonardo or a Donatello?

Michelangelo looks very surprised to be on this face.

Why was Raphael the only turtle with a New York accent?

Get it?

This website, of course, spawned real-life imitations.

Check it! Raphael has chest hair!

Boom! TMNT now appeals to all ages!

If you're up for more bodacious beaks, head on over to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Noses website where, site creator, Simon Fletcher obviously has too much time on his hands.

Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go!

Calling All Computer Nerds!

2011-11-07T00:01:00.046-07:00

Is this really possible?

And this?

I remember the old floppy drives, and I remember the sounds they used to make, but my mind can't conceive how this kind of sound manipulation is possible!

Thanks to alert reader, Mitch, for sending the first video to me and blowing my mind.

So I ask you, faithful nerd readers, explain to me, in terms a 4th grader could understand, how does this work? Is this a real thing that you can do with just a disc and a drive? Or are they cheating somehow? I must know.

Also, would it be possible to do a duet with a floppy drive and a dial-up modem? Just curious.

Back Off, SkinBag!

2011-10-31T00:01:00.089-06:00

Faithful readers, I'm going to give you fair warning on this one: the images you're about to see are a little disturbing. If you have a weak stomach, a weak bladder or weak ankles, you may want to leave the room. Don't believe me? Fine, you've been warned. When I ran across this following product a few weeks ago, I have to admit that I didn't think it was real.

"What IS that?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you. It's a laptop bag made out of HUMAN SKIN!!!!

Ok, so it isn't really human skin. But SkinBag, the company responsible for this monstrosity, is determined to make this synthetic material look and feel like human skin. Why? Well, this is how they explain it:

SkinBags are seamless body extensions made of synthetic skin and identifiable by
their wrinkled texture and organic appearance.

Like genuine external organs, the SkinBag bags incorporate our everyday
objects, anticipating the day when biology and digital will merge with pockets
for our electronic devices.

The TrackSuits give a new form of nudity to our social body. This second skin defines
the widened contours of the contemporary identities, including our clothes
and communication extensions of all kinds (money, keys, phones, organizers...).

As a carrier of mutation, the SkinBag symbolises the ambivalence between the basic
natural body, and the optimised prosthetic body.

The tactful alchemy of repulsion and attraction turns these sensual vehicles
into relational activators.

So, in other words, they're completely insane. Don't believe me? Wow, you really are an unbeliever today, aren't you? Well, here are a few of their other products, available on the SkinBag site:

"Smooth and moldable" Skin Blob Bean Bag: $2831

SkinBag Jacket: $849

Creepy Skinned Baby Head Bag: $708

Full Body Skin Suits: Subject to change according to market costs

SkinBag Toilet Paper - JUST FOR DECORATION!: Price unknown

SkinBag Wedding Dress: Price depends on measurements of the deeply disturbed bride.


Skin Burqa: $1274

Happy Halloween, faithful readers!

Nine Film-caused Fears

2011-10-24T00:01:00.450-06:00

Fear is an odd thing. I met someone the other day who had a fear of ketchup - not just a dislike of ketchup, mind you, a genuine phobia. It made me wonder about what causes fears and that led me to realize that many of the fears I have today are caused by something I saw in a movie or TV show. So, for this post I would like to talk about movie-created fears. I’m not talking about things like sharks, spiders or demonic possession - those things are all inherently scary. The kind of phobias I'm talking about are fears that people normally wouldn’t have, if it wasn’t for things they’ve seen in movies. Things like. . .

Basements/Attics - If there's one place in your home that's haunted, it's probably the basement or the attic - at least, that's what movies want you to believe. We have been conditioned to believe that the highest and lowest points of our home are the creepiest. The scariest thing I've found in my basement so far is the occasional non-venomous spider and the most frightening thing in the attic is the possibility of inhaling fiberglass insulation. Yes, I still may run up the stairs when I leave the basement, but that's only the continuation of a childhood fear that pale, demonic children with black fingernails are going to grab my ankles - which was brought about because of a movie I saw on TV years ago.

Hockey Masks - I don't know anyone that is afraid of football helmets. Shin guards don't inspire fear and elbow pads don't make grown men tremble. However, because of the Friday the 13th series, the protective gear that hockey goalies used to wear on their face is forever associated with serial killers. An interesting fact is that Jason didn't even don his iconic mask until the third installment of the franchise, but he rarely goes without it these days. If you saw someone walking down a dark alley wearing one of these fiberglass masks, I can guarantee you would either quickly turn and walk the other way or wet yourself - and it's all because of movies.

Static on the Television - Truth be told, this film-created fear will probably soon be going away. Digital television signals have all but abolished a static signal on the TV, but, back in the day of analog television, it was a common occurrence. This "noise," as it is called in the nerd world is simply caused by electromagnetic signals prompted by cosmic microwave background radiation (duh!), but because of movies like Poltergeist and The Ring, static on the television makes us feel like something from the other side is trying to communicate with us or going to jump out of the TV and kill us.

Showers - Showers have been a safe way of washing oneself since the times of the ancient Greeks. They didn't become commonplace until much later, but in 1960, Alfred Hitchcock took the safety and comfort of a nice, warm shower and stabbed it in the face. Since that time, showers have become a place of vulnerability, a place where you make a conscious effort to lock the door and a place where you constantly look over your shoulder to make sure no one is lurking behind the curtain. Semi-transparent shower curtains make this movie-created fear even more apparent.

Motels - Speaking of Hitchcock, it used to be that a private, out-of-the-way motel off of the main road was a pleasant and welcome find. Nowadays, however, because of movies like Psycho, Vacancy and Identity, all these quaint establishments will get is a leery sideways glance as you hit the gas and speed on down the road to find a La Quinta Inn. In the past, people may have been worried about sleeping in dirty sheets or the occasional cockroach, but it is because of movies that solitary motels make us fear for our lives.

Summer Camps - Don't get me wrong, parents have always been concerned about sending their kids off to some random campground with a bunch of other kids. But there is a real difference between worrying your kid is going to get into mischief and worrying they are going to get impaled through the stomach with a fireplace poker. Movies like Friday the 13th and Sleepaway Camp have made us believe that groups of youth gathered in the forest are a magnet for serial killers and monsters when, in fact, they're just a magnet for mosquitoes and minor misdemeanors.

Little Girls - Before movies and TV taught us otherwise, if we saw a little girl standing in a graveyard, crying, we would have run over to see what's wrong and tried to help. Additionally, the laugh of a little girl used to brighten the room instead of bringing a chill to the air. But Hollywood has used the creepy little girl stereotype so often that people now assume any little girl in pigtails wearing an old-fashioned dress is a ghost or a demon. Don't believe the hype - I have a young daughter, and she's only evil 27% of the time.

Clowns - I put the blame for my fear of clowns (or "coulrophobia") squarely on the ruffled shoulders of Tim Curry, who's portrayal of the Stephen King character "Pennywise" haunted my nightmares for many years. Professional clown organizations have tried their best to fight against the Hollywood stereotype of these comic performers, but the influence of film and TV and their portrayal of evil clowns is much greater. Granted, there is something intrinsically unsettling about someone who has a permanent smile on their face, but most clowns are nice, personable people who just want to entertain kids and make a living - except for the ones who are serial killers (*cough*Pogo*cough*).

Backseats of Cars - We've all seen that moment in a movie when the character gets into a car and thinks she is safe, only to have something large and evil pop up in the backseat. Because of this film trend, people tend to be afraid of the backseat of their car and may make cautious glances in the rear view mirror. However, if you think about it, backseats are highly visible locations. A quick glance though the windows as you're approaching the car will let you know if the ax murderer is really lurking back there, and most likely, he's not - he's waiting for you in the basement.

Now, before you faithful readers reply with a comment that says something like "CLOWNS ARE SCARY NO MATTER WHAT!!!", I want you to take a moment and trace back your fear for each of these items. I'll bet it originated with something media-related. Would you be really scared of any these things if it wasn't for movies and TV shows? Can you think of any other examples where Hollywood has taken something innocent and made it frightening? Do you have any other film-caused fears?

Till Undead Do You Part

2011-10-17T00:01:00.067-06:00

Somehow it got out that I like zombies, so when these pictures came out in August, a number of faithful readers sent them my way. However, I felt that these were much better suited for an October post, so I patiently waited until now to put them on Slice of Fried Gold. Let's just say that Ben Lee, Juliana Park and Amanda Rynda are my new heroes. This is how you do engagement photos right!

It was just another day in Happy Engagement Photo Land.

Then, without warning, out of nowhere, and all of a sudden, a zombie (Jason Boesch) appeared on the horizon.

Juliana gasped in terror and Ben bore his teeth, attempting to show dominance to this intruding male.

Ben attempted to protect Juliana from Zombie Jason by punching her in the face.

But when the Zombie Jason began to attack Ben, Juliana fought to protect him.

Will Ben and Julia survive this zombie attack? Or will the zombie make this engagement shorter than a celebrity marriage? Well, you can find out by going to Amanda Rynda's blog and checking out the full story.

If only I had thought of this when I was engaged! Maybe I can talk my wife into re-doing our engagement photos. . .

Best Horror Movie Theme Songs

2011-10-10T00:01:00.105-06:00

I'm a sucker for a soundtrack. The moment in Homeward Bound when ****spoiler alert**** Shadow finally comes over that hill ****end of spoiler**** probably wouldn't make me sob like a little child if it wasn't for the emotional soundtrack. Without a soundtrack, the training montages in Rocky would be less inspiring and more like an awkward series of grunts and yells. And without a soundtrack, horror movies would be about as frightening as one of the Twilight movies.

I kid. The Twilight series actually features pretty horrific acting. But while we've discussed horror movies before on Slice of Fried Gold, we've never really discussed horror movie music. . .UNTIL NOW!

Below are the theme songs that bring creepy images to mind, the ones that have become iconic and taken on a life of their own, the ones that, if they suddenly started playing while you were walking down a dark alley, might make you wet yourself. I have excluded some famous horror movie themes, such as:

Friday the 13th, which features an awesome and iconic sound effect, but the theme song is actually pretty awful.
Poltergeist, which is a freaky movie, but do you even remember how the theme song goes? Neither do I.
"Toccata and Fugue in D Minor." This is a frightfully good song, but it's been used in so many different movies and TV shows that it's hard to associate it with just one.

Nevertheless, here is my totally subjective list of the top ten best horror movie theme songs:

10. M ("In the Hall of the Mountain King") - Edvard Grieg

"In the Hall of the Mountain King" actually comes from Peer Gynt, which is a Norwegian play from the late 1800s. In the play, this song plays as the main character enters a realm of trolls and goblins. However, in the movie M, it is whistled by the main character whenever he is about to abduct and kill a child. It's actually one of the first times in film that a theme song has been associated with a character. This use of "leitmotif" (which is German for "milk mustache") would become a staple for future horror movies and it helped bring "In the Hall of the Mountain King" into the horror movie musical canon.

9. The Omen ("Ave Satani") - Jerry Goldsmith

I'll admit right now that I'm not a big fan of this movie, but the song is undeniably creepy. Gregorian chants always give me the shivers, but this one has a dark, sinister tone that crescendos into chaos. And then, when you realize that the Latin chants actually mean "Hail Satan," "Hail Anti-Christ" and "Elevate the body of Satan," that just makes the song even creepier. I wouldn't recommend playing this one at a Halloween party where children are present -- they may begin to convince other guests to jump off of the roof.

8. The Shining - Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind

As I was compiling this list of the best horror movie theme songs, I couldn't remember the music from The Shining. However, once I pulled up this song, it brought back a flood of creepy memories. This theme song was an adaptation of a song by Hector Berloiz, which was an adaptation of a 13th century hymn called "Dies Irae," which is Latin for "Yes, Latin is always creepy when its sung." This song has a great spooky-electric-organ feel and it is a great tune to play at a haunted house.

7. The Fog - John Carpenter

Not only was this film directed and co-written by John Carpenter, but he also composed the music. This theme song appropriately starts with a foghorn and then uses a fairly repetitive, yet effective, piano melody. It also has a familiar ticking percussion noise in the background, which worked quite well in another famous John Carpenter tune. Once again, this is a great theme song to play at a Halloween party because it is able to create a mood while staying in the background.

6. Signs - James Newton Howard

"But, The Former 786," you faithful readers are saying, "this song is WAY too new to be on a list of the best horror movie theme songs of all time!" Yes, it's a recent movie, but I was floored the first time I heard this music and it was shortly thereafter put on my Halloween playlist. It has a sharp, aggressive feel to it, reminiscent of the great scores from Hitchcock films. Whether you like Signs or not (illegal aliens are always a polarizing topic), this theme song deserves an objective listen.

5. Nightmare on Elm Street - Charles Bernstein

While many people only remember the infamous "1, 2, Freddy's coming for you. . ." rhyme sung by children in the film, the theme song of A Nightmare on Elm Street brings a certain, creepy feel to any room - especially a boiler room. This synthesized number has a new-age feel and features a strange, echoing drum, a ghostly voice and a high-pitched melody almost as piercing as Freddy's claws. You could almost fall asleep to this song, although I wouldn't recommend it.

4. The Exorcist ("Tubular Bells") - Mike Oldfield

Once more, I am not a fan of this movie, but this once innocuous tune has taken on a life of its own in the horror movie world. The theme for The Exorcist is actually only a small part of the whole "Tubular Bells" experience. "Tubular Bells, Part 1" actually runs 25 minutes and 58 seconds, and "Tubular Bells, Part 2" goes another 23:20. Apparently Warner Bros. wanted a "softer" score for this film, because they felt harsh music along with the harsh imagery on the screen would be too much for audiences.

3. Psycho ("The Murder") - Bernard Herrmann

Speaking of harsh music, it doesn't get much more assaulting than this piece by Bernard Herrmann. Ok, technically, this isn't the "theme song" of Psycho, but it is, by far, the most recognizable music from the movie. Hitchcock himself said that much of the success of the film was due to Herrmann's work. The entire film score of Psycho could qualify for this list, but the screeching violins of "The Murder" are synonymous with psychotic behavior and showers. In fact, I can guarantee that almost every time someone is making a downward stabbing gesture with their arm, this music will be coming out of their mouth.

2. Jaws - John Williams

Much like the whistling of "In the Hall of the Mountain King" in M, whenever you begin to hear the alternating two-note pattern of the tuba, you know the shark is near. The slow, plotting tempo at the beginning quickens and builds into a complete fear frenzy. Perhaps this film is the reason I have an irrational fear of tuba players. Regardless, this film score launched John Williams into well-deserved stardom and it will forever be associated with sharks, shark attacks and anything lurking under the water.

1. Halloween - John Carpenter

This musical theme is not complicated or sophisticated, but, then again, neither is stabbing someone with a butcher knife. The Halloween theme features a simple haunting piano melody backed by sharp and quick percussion. This creepy theme song perfectly complements Michael Myers stalking, lurking and murdering actions. It's just John Carpenter and a keyboard, but it works. This is the kind of music I would not want to hear when walking down a dark alley. This is the kind of music that is perfect for any haunted house or Halloween party. Yes, in my totally subjective opinion, I feel that this is the best horror movie theme song.

Trust Me, It'll Grow on You

2011-10-03T00:01:00.064-06:00

The signs of autumn are all around us: there's a slight chill in the evening air, the leaves on the trees are changing colors, and the Slice of Fried Gold posts have become Halloween-themed. So let's get this party started! After all, we only have five Mondays to work with.

Today's post is a quick and dirty one (literally). I don't know how many of you saw the movie Contagion yet, but Warner Bros. took viral marketing to a whole new and disturbing level. Check it out:

Yup, that just happened. Much to the delight of science geeks everywhere, Warner Bros. hired a company called Lowe Roche to make a couple of giant petri dishes to promote their new movie. It's a very clever idea, but I wonder if it's going to spawn a string of copycat ads for other movies. Such as:

The Amazing Spider-Man putting up actual spiderwebs with the name of the movie spelled out on it (a la Charlotte's Web).
A Puss in Boots billboard made of actual pet dander and some litter boxes.
Talking posters for The Muppets run by actual puppeteers behind the wall.
A bunch of dog crap and some glitter smeared on a brick wall for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn.

The possibilities are endless!

What promotional materials would you recommend for some upcoming movies, faithful readers?

Like a Branch Over Troubled Water

2011-09-26T00:01:00.082-06:00

What do the smell of alcohol prep pads, Tyler Perry movies and orange traffic barrels all have in common? They all cause a sharp, stress-induced rise in my blood pressure. However, while my issues with getting a shot and awful filmmaking will probably never go away, I've now realized that construction around here isn't so bad - at least, by comparison to construction in Meghalaya.

Do you know how long it takes them to build a bridge in Meghalaya? Do you even know where Meghalaya is? That's ok, neither did I. But now we can both know that it's in India, and a bridge there can take up to 15 years to make.

Why? Because their bridges are made of trees. Check it out:

In this little Indian city (with a population of over 2 million people), they get over 15 meters (20,000 leagues) of rain every year, so traditional wooden bridges will rot. So the people train the roots of trees to grow across chasms and over rivers to make these "living bridges." The bad news is that these types of bridges can take 10 to 15 years to become fully ready to cross. The good news is that they get stronger with time - and they look like something out of Lord of the Rings, which is always a bonus.

Thanks to, alert reader, Ethan for sending this one in!

Practically Eleanor Abernathy

2011-09-19T00:01:00.053-06:00

We've talked about YouTube remixes on Slice of Fried Gold before. And we've mentioned cats a couple of times, too. Well, now they've come together in glorious harmony - eHarmony, that is:

Here's the original video:

And here's the remix, once again, by The Gregory Brothers:

That cat band really ties that song together, doesn't it?

Now, truth be told, "Debbie" is actually named Cara Hartmann, and she made the original video as a joke. While it does make the first video a little less funny to know that she's faking her emotions for cats, I still think the song is catchy and entertaining. I'd like to thank, alert reader, Emily for sending it in.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go feed my cats.

*sniff*

I love them so much.

Kitty Wants Some Candy

2011-09-12T00:01:00.019-06:00

You know that song that goes "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands?" Well, apparently hands aren't enough for some people. If you really want to show people that you're happy, you need a pair of brain-wave-controlled kitty ears.

Sounds crazy, no? Well, a company called Neurowear has invented a new way of communicating your emotions with the Necommi. Take a look:

Who needs facial expressions and verbal communication when a pair of kitty ears will let people know how you're feeling? It does concern me a bit that a corporation in Japan is able to tap into our brain waves, but at least they seem to be using this power for good.

So, what do you think of the Necommi brain-wave-reading kitty ears? Leave a comment and let me know, or just post a picture of the current position of your ears.

Freddie the Elephant Packed His Trunk and Said Goodbye to the Circus

2011-09-05T00:01:00.039-06:00

Hello, faithful readers. Remember a while back when we witnessed a cat getting busted for barking like a dog? Remember how embarrassed that cat was? Well, I've mentioned a couple of times on this blog how dogs and cats are different (I've also mentioned a number of times how much Twilight sucks, but that's a different story) and I'd like to prove my point once again.

Check out this video, sent in by, alert reader, Crystal:

Fred has no shame - and I love that. In fact, I wish we could all be a little more like Fred and unleash the elephant inside. Faithful readers, it's time to be an elephant! Run to your windows, faithful readers and trumpet through your nose as loud as you can!

. . . . .

Ew. That didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to.

Here the Marching Band Goes Again

2011-08-29T00:01:00.006-06:00

I'm not much of a sports person, but in honor of the upcoming college football season I'd like to share with you a halftime show that is actually worth watching. Please resist the urge to go get a snack or go to the bathroom during this video, as some of you may be conditioned to do.

I know I've mentioned Ok Go a couple of times on this blog, but this video, sent in by, alert reader, Mike, reminded me of how much I like their music.

One of these days I ought to actually buy one of their albums. . .

Anyway, go my favorite sports team! Go! Go squadron, do good! Beat the opponents soundly in the skirmish!

Aah! Snake! Aah! Snake! Snaaake! Snaaaake! Oooo, Its a Snake!

2011-08-22T00:01:00.122-06:00

If you've ever been house shopping, you know what a miserable experience it can be. It's not as bad as registering for a wedding, but it's up there. No matter how good a house looks on paper, there always seems to be a problem or two when you actually check it out.

However, a missing backsplash, loud neighbors or a funny smell pale in comparison to a certain house in Rexburg, Idaho.

This house:

It looks innocent enough, but if you're looking to purchase this single-family home at 675 W. 5000 N., you may want to watch this video first, which was originally uploaded in 2006:

That's right -- news reporting in Idaho is seriously sub-par!

And, aside from that, this house is infested with snakes! In fact, residents of Rexburg lovingly refer to it as "The Snake House." You'd think a reputation like that would deter anyone from purchasing it. I mean, all a potential buyer would have to do is stop and ask for directions and the friendly Rexburgians would say something like "Oh, you mean The Snake House?"

However, because of the invention of GPS, the Sessions family didn't ask for directions and they ended up buying the house. This video was uploaded by the Associated Press just a few months ago:

The Sessions family was even featured on the Animal Planet channel during a show called "Infested!" It's a realtor's worse nightmare. After all, a simple Google search of the address will pull up numerous articles and videos about this humble abode. Although, even without the snakes, I would have been scared off by the fact that it has five bedrooms and only one bathroom. One bathroom? Seriously? What family needs five bedrooms, but only one bathroom? Sheesh.

Dropping the price more than $60,000 didn't seem to entice anyone, either, so Chase, the bank that now owns the home, has hired some people to trap the snakes and release them into the wild. Then they're going to attempt to seal up the foundation and "install a barrier" to keep future snakes out.

However, if Hollywood has taught me anything, those snakes are going to come back with a vengeance. They will terrorize whatever family lives there next. And only Samuel L. Jackson will be able to save them.

I'm already writing the screenplay.

Yar, I'm Not Attractive

2011-08-15T00:01:00.002-06:00

I would like you to take a moment and enjoy this animated short.

Pretty fun, huh? Now, I would like you to appreciate the fact that this video was shot entirely with a Nokia cell phone.

Impressive, no?

If that wasn’t cool enough, now I would like you, faithful readers, to appreciate the fact that this was not hand-drawn, CGI or clay animation. This was made with real people on a real beach in the real outdoors.

Don’t believe me? How dare you! I’ll teach you to doubt The Former 786!

I hope you learned your lesson.

Yowzer, Yowayowa!

2011-08-08T00:01:00.014-06:00

Have you ever dreamed that you could fly? What if I told you that those dreams could become a reality? Believe it or not, a girl named Natsumi Hayashi has found out how to fly - or, at least take pictures that make it look like she's flying. Each day she posts a new photo of herself levitating in various situations. Here are a few of my favorites:

Impressive, no?

The "yowayowa camera woman diary," as it's called, originally was just a photography blog, mostly featuring Natsumi's cats. She dabbled in levitating photography, but it wasn't until September of 2010 that she really embraced the flying pictures. Slice of Fried Gold has featured flying photos before, but these were the first ones that made me remember the feeling I get from the dreams where I'm flying. . .which are much better than the dreams where I'm running away from that furry jelly bean monster and I can't run fast because my pants keep falling down. That dream sucks.

3D: Not Just for Overly Expensive Movie Tickets Anymore

2011-08-01T00:01:00.003-06:00

I'm not normally one to be at a loss for words, but this video, sent in by alert reader, Dustin, has me speechless - it's just so cool! Check it out.

A 3D printer??? The future is now!

Leave Product Placement to the Pros

2011-07-25T00:01:00.058-06:00

Say what you want about director Michael Bay, but the guy knows how to film beautiful women surrounded by exploding machinery in slow-motion. He also is an experienced pro at product placement. You may have not even noticed the amount of products you were being sold while you were seeing his movies.

Case in point:

Parts: The Clonus Horror. . .er. . .I mean The Island actually set a record in 2005 by having 35 individual products or brands prominently featured in the film. Now we know how Michael Bay gets his funding.

However, some people aren't as skilled at the art of subliminal advertising as Mr. Bay. Take, for example, this clip from Days of Our Lives which was sent into me by, alert reader, Mitch. Try and figure out what snack food sponsored their programming that week:

Wow. That was. . .subtle, Alison.

Back to Bay. This time, in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, he one-upped himself and managed to get 47 brands mashed into one film. That film currently holds the record for highest number of paid product placements. See how many brand names you can spot in the following montage:

And now back to Days of Our Lives:

. . .and scene.

Moral of the story: Sloppy and obvious product placement isn't effective and it just makes you look stupid.

Now, if you'll excuse me, for some reason I suddenly feel like buying stuff I don't need.

Is it Hoff in Here, or is it Just Him?

2011-07-18T00:01:00.037-06:00

Have you ever had a desire to lick David Hasselhoff? Neither have I. But our good friends over at Del Monte must have felt that someone out there in the world had that wish, and they decided to grant it.

Faithful readers, I present to you. . .The Hoffsicle!

Yes, it may be raspberry-flavored, but that still doesn't make it right. I mean, if they were going for an iconic TV personality from the 80s and 90s to turn into a frozen treat, why not choose someone appealing like Heather Locklear or Christopher Hewett?? Pssh! Del Monte needs to learn a thing or two about marketing.

And just in case the previous video nauseated you a little bit, here's a second one. . .to help you just vomit and get it over with:

You're welcome.

Disney and the Single Parent

2011-07-11T00:01:00.376-06:00

Some say that Disney is an evil, overlord-like corporation that is bent on world domination, and these people may be right, but Disney still makes pretty entertaining movies. I watched a number of Disney movies over and over again as a kid and I now show these same Disney movies to my kids in the hopes that they want to watch them over and over again.

However, watching Disney movies as a kid is a different experience than watching it as an adult. As a grown-up, you pick up on certain things that you didn't notice or care about as a child. One of these things I noticed recently was the fact that Disney tends to feature single-parent families in a lot of their animated feature films.

Now, before I get into the list of single-parent Disney movies, I need to stress what movies are NOT included in this list.

This list does NOT include Disney movies where the main character is an orphan. Using an orphan as your protagonist is an old writing gimmick to make the main character seem vulnerable and forces them to conquer their problems on their own instead of relying on their parents. Such examples of orphans in Disney movies would include Mowgli (The Jungle Book), Oliver (Oliver & Company), Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs), Arthur/Wart (The Sword and the Stone), Cinderella (Cinderella), Quasimodo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame), Lilo (Lilo and Stitch) and Tarzan (Twilight). . .(I'm kidding, he's from Tarzan).

This list also does NOT include those movies where the parent is killed during the actual duration of the film as the inciting incident of the plot or just to move the story along. This would include such movies as Finding Nemo, Bambi, The Fox and the Hound, Brother Bear and The Lion King.

Finally, this list does NOT include the live-action Disney movies with single-parent families, such as The Parent Trap or Darby O' Gill and the Little People and it doesn't include any of the straight-to-DVD Disney movies, because I wanted to keep this list shorter than the writings of Dostoevsky.

What this list DOES include is a list of Disney animated features where one of the parents is missing from the beginning of the story without any real explanation. Movies like:

Pinocchio (1940)
Parent Missing: Mother
Parent Remaining: Geppetto
Relevant to the Plot?: Yes.
Geppetto was a lonely, single man who wanted a family, so he created a little wooden boy. I understand why this movie had a single parent because Pinocchio didn't have a mother - all he needed was his father, a cat, a goldfish, a blue fairy and a cricket. Sidenote: Monstro still terrifies me.

Dumbo (1941)
Parent Missing: Father
Parent Remaining: Mrs. Jumbo
Relevant to the Plot?: No.
Dumbo losing his mother is relevant to the plot, but his lack of a father seems like the animators were getting lazy. I did my research and found out that male elephants don't necessarily stay around after the mating ritual to raise the calf, so maybe the Disney animators were just being accurate.

Cinderella (1950)
Parent Missing: Mother
Parent Remaining: The King
Relevant to the Plot?: No.
"Wait a minute," you faithful readers are saying to yourselves, "you said you weren't going to include Cinderella on this list!" True. But while Cinderella being an orphan drives her story along, the prince not having a mother doesn't really have a purpose. The King and The Duke (who, interestingly enough, were voiced by the same person) are all about getting Prince Charming married and dreaming of grandchildren, a role traditionally given to doting mothers.

Sleeping Beauty (1959)
Parent Missing: Mother
Parent Remaining: King Hubert
Relevant to the Plot?: No.
Yes, Sleeping Beauty had two parents, but technically she was raised by three fairies. But that's besides the point because we're not talking about Aurora, here, we're talking about Prince Phillip. Once again, a single-parent king, Hubert, is looking to get his son married. Adding a queen on the groom's side probably wouldn't have changed the story, but at least it might have given Queen Leah more screen time.

The Great Mouse Detective (1986)
Parent Missing: Mother
Parent Remaining: Hiram
Relevant to the Plot?: Kind of.
Admittedly, this is one of Disney's more forgettable animated features, but I liked it as a kid and it still uses the single-parent family format, so it's relevant. Since Olivia Flaversham didn't have a mother around when her father was kidnapped, she had no choice but to seek out the famous Basil of Baker Street. However, if her mother was still around, she and Olivia would have probably gone to Baker Street together anyway.

The Little Mermaid (1989)
Parent Missing: Mother
Parent Remaining: King Triton
Relevant to the Plot?: No.
Now I've heard that in the third Little Mermaid movie, it is revealed that Ariel's mom was killed by pirates. However, almost all Disney sequels can and should be forgotten, so we'll just ignore that plot point. This movie would have had the same story with a mother involved, and, let's face it, King Triton would have appreciated the help, raising seven daughters.

Beauty and the Beast (1991)
Parent Missing: Mother
Parent Remaining: Maurice
Relevant to the Plot?: No.
Crazy Old Maurice did a fine job of raising Belle, the most attractive Disney princess in my opinion, but there is no explanation as to what happened to Belle's mother. In the original French fairy tale Belle had two sisters, but Disney decided to take even that familiar relationship away. It's Belle against the world, baby!

Aladdin (1992)
Parent Missing: Mother
Parent Remaining: The Sultan
Relevant to the Plot?: No.
Aladdin may have been an orphan, but Princess Jasmine had a father. Perhaps Disney didn't like the idea of animating an entire harem for the Sultan, but this is another instance where the mother is missing with no real explanation.

Pocahontas (1995)
Parent Missing: Mother
Parent Remaining: Chief Powhatan
Relevant to the Plot?: No.
Let's face it, this movie would have been just as bad if it had a mother in it. There is a passing reference to Pocahontas' mother passing away previous to the timeline of the movie, but that's it. Pocahontas only has a talking tree with the face of a grandmother for matronly guidance.

A Goofy Movie (1995)
Parent Missing: Mother
Parent Remaining: Goofy
Relevant to the Plot?: No.
Chalk this one up to the lazy animators once again. Max and Goofy could have easily had a father/son trip if the mother was still around. Roxanne also seemed to come from a single-parent family -- as did Pete. Wait. . .were there any mothers in this film?

Toy Story (1995) Toy Story 2 (1999) Toy Story 3 (2010)
Parent Missing: Father
Parent Remaining: Andy's Mom
Relevant to the Plot?: No.
This is one of the few times that the father is absent in a Disney film. Andy's Mom, whose name, it turns out, is Jennifer Davis, defies the odds and becomes one of the few single mothers in a Disney movie. In the entire Toy Story series we never see or hear from Andy's dad. It is never mentioned whether he is dead, divorced or is just a deadbeat dad that doesn't like to be on camera.

For the record, out of the 50 theatrical animated feature films that the Walt Disney Animation Studios has produced to date, 35 prominently feature a single-parent family, an orphaned child, missing parents or parental death. No one really knows why Disney uses this format so often. Some say it is because fewer characters make it easier on the animators, others say that it is because of the tragic death of Walt Disney's own mother that he intentionally chose to remove the mothers from his movies. Regardless, it's a peculiar trend in Disney movies that I didn't pick up on until I was an adult.

I also didn't pick up on the fact that Zorro, Batman and Iron Man were essentially the same story as a kid, but that's a different subject for a different post.

And to the One Republic for Which It Stands. . .

2011-07-04T00:01:00.038-06:00

During this season it's important that we remember what Independence Day is really all about. Sure, the 4th of July is a time for barbecuing, fireworks and cooking food with fireworks, but there is a deeper meaning to this holiday - a meaning that may have been forgotten.

So I'd like to take a more serious tone with this post, if I may. I'd like to present to you with a completely historically accurate depiction of what the founding fathers really did that special day over 235 years ago, sent in by, alert reader, Ryan.

There. Aren't you proud to be an American now?

I thought so.

No Time! There's Never Any Time!

2011-06-27T00:01:00.083-06:00

I'm a busy man. Between watching Netflix instant viewing, eating, watching the Netflix movies that come in the mail, sleeping, rating movies on Netflix and occasionally talking to my wife and kids, it's hard for me to find a spare moment.

Because of my busy schedule, I don't have all the time in the world to get dressed, make food or be organized, so imagine my utter joy when I saw this video sent in by, alert reader, Amber. Watch and learn how to do a few common household tasks faster! Don't worry, this video is only five minutes long, so it won't take up too much of your time.

Boom! You just got educated!

Out of the twelve segments in this video, I've only tried five (egg, soda, banana, shirt removal, ketchup), but they have been fairly effective. The egg one takes some effort and practice, and the soda one will make your pop cans taste like salt if you don't rinse them off, but I'm excited to try the other seven.

What about you, faithful readers? Have you tried any of these before? Will you try any of these now? If and when you do, I want to know about it. I challenge you to try these innovative methods and let me know how they work out for you.

I look forward to seeing your reports.

BUSTED!

2011-06-20T00:01:00.052-06:00

Have you ever been caught doing something embarrassing? You know, like cheating on your diet, picking your nose or watching Twilight? And then you tried to cover it up or explain it away? If so, then you'll know exactly how this cat feels:

This video, sent in by, alert reader, Mitch, perfectly encapsulates a guilty conscience and an attempted cover up ("BARK! BARK! Bark. . .bark. . . . . .meow?").

I've always thought that cats were much smarter than they let on. This cat obviously learned Canineish just to mess with Fido next door, but only took the online course while his owner was away, so as not to raise suspicions. This way the human race would not learn of the extreme intelligence of their feline "friends" and therefore never expect the impending invasion/overthrow. But then he got cocky and careless and slipped up. . .big time!

We're on to you, cats. . .we're on to you.

Cat Death vs. Dog Death in Film

2011-06-13T00:01:00.014-06:00

Death is an odd thing to portray in film. Depending on who is getting killed, the audience's reaction could vary drastically. For example, if you're killing off a middle-aged male in an action film, you're probably not going to evoke any tears from your viewers. If this middle-aged male is wearing a uniform, visor or mask, your audience might not even blink. However, there is one type of death in a film that will almost always create some sort of reaction - animal deaths.

If you injure, maim, harm or kill a pet-like animal in a film, you will definitely get an emotional response. But during my many years of movie watching, I've noticed an odd trend regarding animal fatalities in film. Generally speaking, if a dog is killed in a movie, it is done for dramatic effect and intended to make the audience sad. On the other hand, when a cat is killed in a movie, it is usually done for comedic effect and intended to make the crowd laugh. Why is this? I don't know. But let me show you a few examples to prove my point.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind that no animals were harmed in the making of these films. . .or this post. The author of this blog loves both cats and dogs. The Former 786 also does not condone the injury or senseless killing of pets or pet-like animals, but he may have laughed a couple times when Daffy Duck ran into a tree or Wile E. Coyote fell off of a cliff. He also may have wished for Wile E. Coyote to catch the Road Runner at times, or for Tweety Bird to actually get eaten by Sylvester the Cat, but I digress -- that's a different story for a different post.

Old Yeller
We'll start off with one of the most obvious examples of a dog's death bringing about tears. For those of you who don't know the story of Old Yeller, you probably already know what's going to happen based on the title of this post, but, just in case ***********SPOILER ALERT*********** Old Yeller gets a case of rabies and they have to put him down in the end. This is no laughing matter. ***********END OF SPOILER*********** Now, this example may be lost on you younger readers out there, but the mere mention of the name Old Yeller is still enough to make my father weep openly.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Now let's contrast that tear-jerking scene from a classic family film with a scene from this classic comedy. The Griswolds have everyone over for their family Christmas dinner and Aunt Bethany brings her cat to the party. . .wrapped up in a present. This would be distressing if it wasn't so hilarious. They let the cat out, and it proceeds to wander the house. It eventually decides to chew on some Christmas tree wires and, luckily, pulls them out of the wall socket in the process. Clark Griswold notices his Christmas tree isn't lit up anymore and so he decides to plug them back in. ZAP! As Cousin Eddie put it, "If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all." There are no tears shed for this cat, but there is some lamentation about the ruined armchair it was under when it got fried.

"But, The Former 786," you say "Christmas Vacation is a comedy, so of course this feline's demise was done for laughs." Well, that's a good point, faithful readers, but let me show you that it doesn't matter what genre of film we use, the results seem to be the same.

Turner & Hooch
There are many mismatched buddy cop movies out there, but Turner & Hooch is one of the best. Before Tom Hanks made a living making people cry, he was a famous for making audiences laugh. In this film he is an anal-retentive by-the-book cop who is forced to partner with a slobbery canine who was a witness to his owner's murder - the 80s were awesome, weren't they? Anyway ***********SPOILER ALERT*********** Hooch is shot by the bad guy at the end of this light-hearted comedy and he, sadly, dies. They try and make up for it by showing us little Hooch puppy offspring, but it's too little too late. ***********END OF SPOILER*********** It's a very sad moment in an otherwide, hilarious movie.

The Boondock Saints
Boondock Saints is not a comedy. It's a cult-classic action film about two brothers who become vigilantes. During one part of the movie the brothers and their friend, Rocco, are sitting at a table full of liquor and weapons. Rocco's girlfriend's cat is also lying on the table. You can probably see where this is going. At one point Rocco is getting very worked up and he slams his fists on the table, triggering the shotgun and creating a very unpleasant, though accidental mess involving the feline. It's done for humorous shock value, and Rocco has a fairly cathartic moment with his girlfriend when he confesses what happened to her cat.

Now, let's take a look at two movies in roughly the same genre: I Am Legend and Drag Me to Hell. These two thrillers both involve the death of an animal, but the dog death is, once again, done to tug on your heartstrings where the cat death is meant to tickle your funny bone.

I Am Legend
This movie stars ***********SPOILER ALERT*********** Will Smith ***********END OF SPOILER*********** as a lone man in a decimated city full of CGI creatures. His only companion is a dog named Sam. Sam and he have a very close relationship, and Sam even sacrifices his own well-being by defending Will Smith against the cartoon creatures. Since Sam has been bitten by the animated reanimated, Will Smith has to put him down. It's Old Yeller all over again. If you don't cry at this moment in the film, you have no heart.

Drag Me To Hell
What would you do to get a gypsy's curse off of you? In Christine Brown's case, practically anything. Poor Christine tries a number of different ways to prevent her soul from being dragged down to hell, but nothing seems to work. Someone mentions to her that sacrificing her cat might do the trick, and she resists at first, but eventually she gives in. When she pulls the knife out of the holder and says, "Here, kitty, kitty!" the audience I was watching it with erupted in nervous laughter.

So why is this? Why is it that cat deaths don't have the same emotional effect as dog deaths in movies? I don't know. Maybe it's because we were raised on cartoons where cats were normally the bad guys. Maybe it's because dogs have been reported to stand guard by their owners after they've died, whereas cats are rumored to eat the deceased. Regardless, there seems to be an odd pattern in movies where cat deaths are done primarily for laughs and dog deaths are done for tears.

However, I guess cats get to have the last laugh -- after all, cats rule the internet.

Just What I Didn't Need

2011-06-06T00:01:00.053-06:00

I don't mean to get personal, but my bank PIN is 5653 and the last four digits of my Social Security number are 5437. Also, this past week was one of those times where I was feeling a little inferior. I thought a funny video might cheer me up, as it normally does, but then I made the mistake of watching the following video sent in by, alert reader, Brad.

Good heavens! When I go ice skating I have to use the wall to stop myself! And this chimp is doing backflips? Definitely not an ego boost.

What are they going to do next? Teach robots to juggle?

Oh come on!!!!

People Are (Disturbing) People

2011-05-30T00:01:00.056-06:00

If you haven't seen the website "People of WalMart" yet, you've been missing out. . .or maybe you haven't. Some of the images you're about to see may never leave your head. It's hard to believe that there are people dressed like this in our fashion-conscious world -- that is, until you actually go to your local WalMart and see it for yourself.

However, for those of us who are quite busy and don't have the time to go traipsing around a website for hours on end, there's a little number by Jessica Frech. This creative young lady took the images from People of WalMart and condensed them into one hilarious video -- sent to me by, alert reader, Bethany. Take a look, but, before you do, I feel like I should give the following disclaimer:

WARNING!! THIS VIDEO IS EXTREMELY CATCHY AND YOU WILL FIND THIS SONG STUCK IN YOUR HEAD FOR AT LEAST 72 HOURS AFTER VIEWING. ALSO, SINCE THE LYRICS ARE CLOSELY ASSOCIATED WITH THE IMAGES, THESE IMAGES WILL EMBED THEMSELVES INTO YOUR BRAIN AND YOU WILL BE FORCED TO LIVE WITH THEM FOR THE REST OF YOUR MORTAL LIVES!!

*clears throat*

You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk.

I told you so.

So, which one disturbed you the most?

Was it big hair, dreadlocks, little skirt, red box, hot dog, puppeteer, smiley shorts, swipe right here, Tom Hanks, pet goat, belt buckle, Joseph's coat, jelly fish, call girl, prison mate, gonna hurl, skin cap, vanilla chip, pony tail, pirate ship, no shirt, no shoes, oops I took a poop, Spider-Man, back boobs, bumble bee, bad tubes, Metal creep, hipster creep, Little Bo Peep lost her sheep, Jamie Fox, Santa Claus, Woodstock, butt floss, man dress, Mother Goose, mullet time, car got loose, scary fruit, day care, Twilight, Kentucky hair, campout, fishing line, Golden Girls, too much wine, pedicure, race fan, horse mane, ladies' man, where's my shirt, where's my nurse, Masters of The Universe, Baywatch, rubber band, moonshine, wonderland, Bozo, hang low, Rocky Picture Horror Show, man purse, milk shake, skid row, beer break, uni tard, Lean Cuisine, fire sale, 80’s dream, Bieber's dad, camo crack, body flag, biscuit back, tramp stamp, checkout line, Civil War, danger sign, bathing suit, Grateful Dead, booty bomb, wide spread, long hair, health care, Victoria Secret's worst nightmare, Daniel Boone, pucker pup, Dr. Scholl's, grow up, half sale, rib sale, tailgater total fail, Mr. T, Flava Flav, not sure, white slave, workout, rump roast, Sailor Moon, hairy ghost, cupcake, caveman, beer run, soda fan, ripped pants, onesie, lion boy, Snuggie, meat isle, Huck Finn, beauty-fail, too much skin, gonna cry, gonna die, gonna jungle bunny ride, moth attack, board game, hangin’ out, no shame’ squeeze play, NRA or the I have no more to say one?

Vote now!

Author's note: I need to go wash my eyes out with bleach now. I had to study that blasted video for this post.

A Bit of a Tearjerker

2011-05-23T00:01:00.047-06:00

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a softie. When watching a movie, a TV show or even a well-made commercial, I sometimes get caught up in the moment and find myself getting a little misty-eyed. There are certain moments in film that make me cry every time I see them. I don't know exactly what it is - maybe it's the swelling music, or the emotional performance, or the beauty of the cinematography. . .I don't know, but I know it when I see it, and I've just seen it again.

Now, I won't say much about this montage before I show it. I simply want you to enjoy it with pure eyes and an open heart. Enjoy:

*sniff* I know, right? *sniff* It's simply breathtaking.

*wipes eyes*

So, faithful readers, were your favorite movie sandwiches featured in this moving cinematic piece? Or are you outraged because your favorite was snubbed? I'll admit I was a little bugged because they didn't show the impromptu scrambled egg sandwich made by Harrison Ford in The Fugitive, but I'll let it slide for now. . .just because I'm so caught up in the beauty of the moment.

*sniff*

Get a Grip, Parry!

2011-05-16T00:01:00.005-06:00

During these many years of Slice of Fried Gold I've introduced you to a number of musical numbers. Some of which were catchy and fun, and others that make you want to claw your eyes out. Although, for the record, if you're listening to an annoying song, it may be more effective to just plug your ears - now you know.

Anyway, I would like to add another song to the official Slice of Fried Gold playlist today. This one was brought to my attention by, alert reader, Simon. And, as a disclaimer, I have to let you know that it is both catchy and adorable. You have been warned!

Told you so.

For me, this song is going to go right up there with Hamster on a Piano or John Cage's 4'33" - you know, songs you can't help but sing along with. Parry Gripp, the songwriter of "Baby Monkey (Going Backwards On A Pig)," actually does a new song every week on his site, and his YouTube channel is full of awesome little ditties. Plus, he's the lead singer of the band Nerf Herder, who did the theme song for Buffy the Vampire Slayer so he's already a winner in my book.

So there you go. What did you think of "Baby Monkey (Going Backwards On A Pig)?" Is this going to make it to your iPod? Or will you do your best to scrub this song out of your head after reading this post?

Or are you unable to read this part of the post because you clawed your eyes out during the song? I told you it wasn't very effective.

Whittlin' the Time Away

2011-05-09T00:01:00.011-06:00

Ok, this video is seriously impressive, but, seriously, WHO HAS THIS KIND OF TIME?

What is Scott Weaver doing to earn an actual living that would allow him to spend so much time on something so. . .awesomely random?

I don't even have time for a decent post this week!

Until next week, faithful readers!

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

2011-05-02T00:01:00.114-06:00

As we all know, good things tend to come in threes. There's the three wise men, the Three Amigos, the three-course meal and the Toy Story films. So today I'd like to present you with three different slices of fried gold with one common theme (hint: the theme is zombies). After all, who doesn't love zombies?

Firstly, I'd like to show you this cartoon, sent in by, alert reader, Tori Morten.

I can't tell you how long I chuckled about this one. It's such a genius connection! I wish I would have thought of it. It's interesting to think of the loveable bag of hay from The Wizard of Oz as an inspiration for George A. Romero, the creator of the modern zombie. I bet it was. I mean, Romero was born in 1940, exactly 5 months and 10 days after The Wizard of Oz was released in theaters - that can't be a coincidence!

Next up, I present to you this house, sent in by, alert reader, Lecia.

Ta-da!

So what's so special about this house, you may ask? Well, this innovative design is perfect for a world like ours, a world on the verge of a zombie apocalypse. Inspired by Michael Bay's horrible movies, this house actually transforms into a zombie-proof stronghold. Watch and behold!

Boom! Just like that, you have no weaknesses in your fortress of solitude. No windows for peering zombie eyes, no doors for zombie hands to crush, no overlooked, unused coal shafts for zombies to sneak into. It's a solid stone block. The only way you can get into this place after it has transformed is by a drawbridge lowered from the second story, shown below.

And did I mention that this house is also located behind a giant, retracting stone wall? 'Cause it is.

It's called "The Safe House" and it was designed by KWK Promes and it is located in Warsaw, Poland - proving once and for all that Americans aren't the only people paranoid about a zombie apocalypse.You can see more pictures of The Safe House, including the indoor pool, the lurking guard cat and the floor plans, at HomeDsgn.com.

However, truth be told, the real threat in a zombie movie is hardly ever from the actual zombies trying to get in. It's almost always because of dissension in the group of humans that the zombies are able to gain some ground on the battlefront. Heck, in some movies the humans are the ones with the higher body count. Moral of the story: Don't trust people.

Which segues perfectly into the final segment of this zombie-rific post. This video, sent in by, faithful reader, Jaime, shows just how cruel humans can really be to each other.

I don't know whether to call child protective services or post this on my blog and have others laugh at it. Wait. . .I think I already made my decision on that. . . .oh well. Anyway, this Japanese prank show displays just how uninformed children are about zombie attacks. I mean, seriously, Tabasco sauce? Plastic wrap? What were they THINKING?

I blame their parents. Any good parent should have their children prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. For example, my kids know exactly where my cricket bat and flamethrower are in case of an attack. And, as an added bonus, they also know what plants we can put in the front yard in order to prevent zombies from getting in our house. After all, you can't be too careful.

Until next week, faithful readers!

Kitty Needs a Boost

2011-04-25T00:01:00.072-06:00

Cats make me laugh more than dogs do.

Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, I just find cats to be more humorous. I think the reason behind this is that dogs are hyper and clumsy already, so when they bump into something or knock someone over, it's expected. On the other paw (ZING!), cats are usually prim and proper and so it's funny to see them do something silly or embarrassing. It's the same with reporters and newscasters - I get a big kick out of seeing them goof up.

However, I've also noticed that cats are even funnier with some additional help. On the internet, people have used things such as music, sound effects, captions and voice-overs to help boost the funny level of kitty cats.

I was originally going to show you a picture of a normal cat and then show you how funny it was with a caption, but it literally impossible to find a picture of a cat on the internet without a caption these days. Instead, here's this video of two regular cats interacting with each other:

Click here to watch the video because they disabled embedding, which is really annoying.

See? It was cute, yeah, but not laugh out loud funny.

Now, let's add the human element, as portrayed in this video sent to me by, alert reader, Jen. Witness the difference:

See? Much better.

So, to all you cats out there who think you may rule the world, just remember, in addition to feeding you and giving you shelter, we also make you funnier. So don't look at me with that high-and-mighty smug look on your face the next time I walk by, okay?. . . .You're not even listening, are you?

Mysterious Unicorn Music

2011-04-18T00:01:00.041-06:00

Faithful readers, I have a quest for you. I was recently sent a unique music video by, alert reader, Mitch and it has me baffled. I don't even know how to present it. So. . .here. . .

Yeah, I know. What WAS that??

As far as I can tell, Unicorns LA was done by a group called My Barbarian and it was NOT done as a comedy. The Wikipedia page for My Barbarian says that they are a trio that "makes site-responsive performances and video installations that use theatrical play to draw allegorical narratives out of historical dilemmas, mythical conflicts, and current political crises." O. . .k. . . So, 1. What does that long-winded trip around a thesaurus mean? And 2. What, exactly, is the "allegorical narrative" they're trying to convey in this video?

Then there's the official website of My Barbarian, which is, if you can believe it, less helpful than their Wikipedia page. The pictures on that site lead me to believe that these are, in fact, the same three people in the music video, but that website is in desperate need of a search bar. . .or a site map. . .or a web designer. There is no mention of "Unicorns LA" on their Wiki page or on their website. You'd think that they'd be more proud of this internet sensation and want to take credit for it.

So I turn to you, faithful readers. What is this music video all about? What are they trying to say? And what did this video say to you? Perhaps this is simply a Rorschach test, where everyone sees what they want to see. However, I would appreciate any background information or explanation for Unicorns LA that you could give me.

Help me faithful readers, you're my only hope.

Soviet Spies and Russian Sitcom Rip-Offs

2011-04-11T00:01:00.169-06:00

Russia has given us many wonderful things: Russian nesting dolls, Eduard Anatolyevich Khil, classic Bond villains and Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky to name a few. But America's relationship with Russia hasn't always been so rosy. Believe it or not, there was a time when we believed that the Russians were spying on us.

Well, I hate to be the one to break this to you, faithful readers, but it looks like the Russians are still spying on us and they're not satisfied with military technology anymore - they want our television programs. That's right, our precious, precious TV shows.

This matter of national security was first brought to my attention by, alert reader, Jeff Tromphlin. He showed me the opening credits for a Russian television show called Project Popcorn (Проект “Попкорн”).

Now, I don't speak Russian, but that looks pretty close to the opening credits for Mystery Science Theater 3000, one of the greatest TV shows of all time. But MST3K was only the beginning. After further investigation, I found a number of Russian rip-offs that shocked me to the very core.

For example, check out their version of the classic 80's television program, Married..with Children.

Счастливы вместе, or "Happy Together" as it translates to, has lookalikes for each member of the Bundy family! Shocking!

But maybe you're not the kind of person who watched Married...with Children or MST3K. Maybe your house was a little more strict and you could only watch wholesome, uplifting shows with a moral or some type of educational message? Well then, here's Russia's version of Full House:

I wasn't quite convinced that дом кувырком ("House Upside Down") was, in fact, Full House, until I saw that it was Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey) himself that posted the video. And, as we all know, if Dave Coulier says it, it must be true. I wonder if the Russian paparazzi is obsessed with the Tsvetkova twins.

But we all know that TV sitcoms aren't worth their salt unless they feature our very own Tony Danza. But Russia, being the sneaky country that they are, has also copied Who's the Boss, and have creatively named it Кто в доме хозяин (Who's the Boss). They weren't even trying to hide this blatant rip-off!

You know. . .they can have Who's the Boss?. I'm ok with that one.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Well, these are all old television programs from the 80s and 90s. Surely now that the Russians aren't our enemies, they don't have need for spying on us and stealing our TV shows!" Tsk, tsk, tsk. Oh, you poor naive reader. Watch the following clip and see if you can guess what modern TV show has been stolen by the Russkies. They call it Теоретики ("Theorists"):

It looks like the Cold War ain't over yet.

WOLVERINES!!!!

Six Sequels Unrelated to the Original Films

2011-04-04T00:01:00.450-06:00

We all can agree that sequels aren't that good. In fact, there are only a handful of circumstances where a sequel is considered as good as the original and even less examples of when a sequel could possibly be considered better than the original. Sequels are generally made because the original film made a bunch of money and the studio wants to see if they can make a little more - and movies solely created for the sake of making money are never that good.

Sequels generally consist of rehashed references, second-tier characters and a similar plot to the original. But what about those films that completely disregard these sequel guidelines? What about the sequels that have nothing to do with the original? They deserve a special sort of shout-out because they don't even seem like they're trying at times. Whether it's because they couldn't get the original actors, the characters all died in the first film or the producers just felt the audience needed a change of pace, the following six films all threw the original idea out the window and started with something fresh. . .ish.

Halloween 3

Original: The original Halloween is one of the forefathers of the modern slasher movie. It tells the story of a very large and disturbed individual named Michael Myers who stalks and kills a variety of individuals while wearing a William Shatner mask.The second Halloween movie actually begins right where the first one ended -- which is a pretty bold and impressive route for a sequel to take -- and tells us a little more about Michael and his murderous rage.

This Sequel: Halloween III is probably the most notorious sequel because it has nothing to do with the original. No Michael Myers, no Jaime Lee Curtis, no Dr. Loomis - just a crazy scientist making non-Shatner masks that can kill (but you have to be watching TV while wearing the mask in order for it to work). There is actually a moment when the original movie plays on a television in a bar, but that's about the only connection between the first two movies and this "sequel."

Open Water 2

Original: The original Open Water is about a husband and wife trapped in the middle of the ocean all alone, fending off sharks. It is loosely based on the real-life story of Tom and Eileen Lonergan, who disappeared from a Scuba diving group in 1998. Some people hated this movie, others were absolutely terrified by the bleak realism.

This Sequel: None of the characters from the first movie were featured in Open Water 2 (for obvious reasons) and instead of being stranded alone in the middle of the ocean, this movie was about a group of six friends unable to get back on their yacht. In reality, there's a reason why this movie is so unrelated to the first movie - it was written beforehand. The screenplay was an adaptation of a short story named "Adrift," and it was written before Open Water ever hit the theaters. However, after the success of the first movie, producers thought it would be best to capitalize on the success of the original.

Home Alone 3

Original: Home Alone and Home Alone 2 are about Kevin McCallister being abandoned by his family and defending himself against the Wet/Sticky bandits. Many people criticized the second movie for being almost a shot-for-shot remake of the first, but the first movie was a huge success, so who can blame the studio for wanting to keep a formula that works?

This Sequel: However, when Macaulay Culkin refused to do a third movie, the producers decided to go a different direction - cloning. It wasn't the McCallister's house, but it kind of looked like the McCallister's house. They hired a red-headed woman who kind of looked like Catherine O' Hara to play Kevin's. . .I mean Alex's mom. And instead of having a pair of robbers trying to break into the house, they had a quartet of terrorists trying to get back their missile-cloaking microchip for the North Koreans. Ok, so that last one isn't cloning, it's more like a horrible mutation.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Original: The Fast and the Furious is Point Break for the car racing world. Paul Walker plays an undercover cop trying to infiltrate a group of hijackers. In 2 Fast 2 Furious (see what they did there? Clever!) Paul Walker plays an ex-cop who goes undercover for the FBI to help bring down another crime ring. These movies were pretty much an excuse to show hot cars driving around with pretty lights, but that appeals to some people.

This Sequel: The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift is about a regular guy (who isn't a cop or on a mission for the FBI) learning how to drift in Japan. Yes, there is a very brief cameo by Vin Diesel to try and connect this one to the others, but that is about as effective as the guy in the bar watching a clip of the original Halloween in Halloween 3. I guess when you can't get Paul Walker, you just do something completely different.

White Noise 2

Original: White Noise is about a man trying to find his wife in the midst of electronic voice phenomena, or EVP. The previews for this movie were actually scarier than the actual movie, but Michael Keaton gave a good performance and there were a few creepy moments that made it worth watching.

This Sequel: Not even Nathan Fillion himself could save White Noise 2. This "sequel" presented the idea that a person could become a white noise receiver themselves, and then completely threw that idea out the window and focused on demonic possession instead. Tria Mera, as they called it, asked the question, "If Christ resurrected on the third day, what did the devil do?" which is an interesting question, until you realize it doesn't make sense.

Troll 2

Original: Believe it or not, there are two characters named Harry Potter in this 1986 horror film (JK was a big fan, I guess). It tells the story of a troll king who possesses a little girl and wreaks havoc on a San Francisco apartment complex. Troll was actually a straightforward horror film and did pretty well at the box office.

This Sequel: One of the most interesting things about Troll 2 is that there are no trolls in the movie. None. The movie is all about a group of vegetarian goblins who live in an isolated town and attract new prey through house swapping. The film was directed by Drake Floyd (aka Claudio Fragasso) who felt they could piggyback on the success of the first movie by using the name, even though there was absolutely no association between the two films. This is probably the most unrelated sequel out there today and it's possibly one of the worst films of all time.

So now it's time, faithful readers, for you to decide which is worse: to create a sequel that uses the same characters, the same jokes and a similar plot line or to make a sequel that is completely off the beaten path of the original.

Pick your poison!

Uh. . .Say Cheese?

2011-03-28T00:01:00.135-06:00

Recently, I was lamenting the fact that I don't write descriptions on the back of my photos anymore. All of the pictures I've taken in the last few years are still on my hard drive and have names like "DSCF2816.jpg" and "IMG_1868.JPG." It'd be too complicated (not to mention repetitive) to rename all of the pictures with labels like "Mikey and Me at the Zoo" and "Me Pushing Mikey into the Tiger Pen" and "Zoo Prison - Interior."

However, I'm realizing now that I may have to take on that tedious task of labeling my pictures, because of a website I was introduced to by, alert reader, Jessica. Black and WTF (WTF, of course, stands for "Why The Face?" because the people in the pictures are making funny faces, right? RIGHT??) is a website full of old black and white photos with little to no description. Some of these photographs are completely random and need explanation, yet they have none - which is kind of sad.

But FEAR NOT! I, The Former 786, being the generous and giving person that I am, will do my best do give some sort of explanation and/or caption to the following sampler platter of photographs from that site:

3D television was actually invented a lot earlier than you might think.

"Hey Boo-Boo! Get a picture of this, will ya? Cheeeeeeese!"

The Miss America Pageant: It's what's inside that counts.

"These chastity masks are sure to keep the boys away from our lips, Darlene!"

Goodbye Earl!

Guess what her favorite Simon & Garfunkel song is!

The mosquitoes get a little out of control, come summertime in Georgia.

Drama clubs are the same no matter what age you live in.

Stop me if you've heard this one, so an elephant walks into a bar. . .

Greg's worst fears had come true: his parents were coming trick-or-treating with him.

"I want to be. . .A LUMBERJACK!"

Links of sausage doubled as life preservers during The Great Depression.

"Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!" "Rowr?"

"Jim, I think it's time you got that growth checked out. . ."

Even though she was bedridden, Samantha was still forced to practice the piano.

Uh. . .I got nothin.

I was shocked to find out that advertisers in the 20s actually encouraged children to befriend chickens!

"Do be careful with this bicycle, Mr. Bond. It can ride on land and water."

Alfred E. Newman's oppressive aunts were a big influence on him.

"Ya, Mein Fuhrer! Meine pants are kaput und I found a kitty!

Moral of the Story: Label your photographs or someone else will.

Have a great week, faithful readers!

Which One Sticks Worse?

2011-03-21T00:01:00.057-06:00

It's time to vote.

Listen to each one of these songs and then let me know which one is the catchiest. And by "catchiest," I mean "the one that gets stuck in your head for the next few days."

The first one is an internet sensation, getting over 23 million hits in a little over a week. That's right, you know it, you have a love-hate relationship with it, it's so bad it's good, it's Friday, by Rebecca Black!

Chilling. For those of you who don't know the back story, this mind-numbing song and eye-gouging video were made by the Ark Music Factory. The Ark Music Factory is a company in California where parents can pay big bucks for the AMF to write an original song and create a music video for their child. This was the result. So, in short don't blame lil' Rebecca - it's not her fault.

Secondly, we have an interesting mix of fantasy and techno. This one was originally shown to me by, alert reader, Mitch and it has a simple message to tell you: They're taking the hobbits to Isengard.

In case you missed it, they're taking the hobbits to Isengard. This clever song uses the Howard Shore score from Lord of the Rings and makes it sound like a dance club soccer album. And who knew that Will Turner had such a good sense of rhythm?

So now it is time to cast your vote. Which one of these is now stuck in your head, and will be until you listen to your scrubbing song? What's a scrubbing song, you ask? It's a song that will help clean any song out of your head without getting stuck itself. Something like "Now We Are Free" by Lisa Gerrard or "Car Wash" by Rose Royce.

I'm now going to listen to both of those songs on an endless loop for a few hours. Planning and writing this post almost destroyed my sanity.

All Hail Internet Animals!

2011-03-14T00:01:00.048-06:00

Animals rule the internet. Don't believe me? Go to Google right now and type "Animals" in the search box and hit enter. Now click on "Images." What do you see? That's right, nothing but animals.

This highly scientific experiment aside, no matter what you search for in Google (cat, lolcat, keyboard cat, etc.) you're going to find pictures of animals. And not just any animals, either. Cute animals. The internet used to be a place where people traded information and data was stored. Now, it's full of baby tigers, bear cubs, piglets and miniature horses all with little captions imagining what the animals would say if they could talk.

But that wasn't enough!

A British sketch comedy series called Walk on the Wild Side takes stock footage of wild animals and dubs voices over the video, with hilarious results. Instead of captions, the animals are now actually talking - take a look.

This video was originally brought to my attention by, alert readers, Ryan and Rosa Lee, but it was brought to the forefront of my mind once again by, alert reader, Brad. It was just as funny the second time as it was the first time.

However, I don't think the boys over at the BBC anticipated what kind of consequences this could have. People already freak out over the cute animals they find on the web. Now that these animals are talking, imagine what they could say. . .what they could tell you to do.

You couldn't resist a cute little kitten asking you to click on a simple little ad, right? And what if an adorable puppy politely told you to go to a particular website, could you say no? Now, imagine a charming, petite bunny rabbit telling you to buy something you don't need, a sweet little baby monkey persuading you to try drugs, or an irresistible baby seal commanding you to destroy all humans? Could you resist? I hope so.

Let us pray they never use Fennec foxes for evil - or heaven help us all.

Amazing Ocular Deception!

2011-03-07T00:01:00.092-07:00

Move over, fireworks! There's a new form of mass public entertainment in town! And trust me, faithful readers, this is gonna blow your mind.

This video, sent in by, alert reader, Jessica, was originally filmed in Kharkov, Ukraine in August of 2010. This eye-popping illusion was part of their Independence Day celebrations. Why they celebrated the 4th of July in August I'll never know, but it occurred to me that this kind of entertainment could easily replace the traditional fireworks show.

Think about it. The average fireworks display requires pyrotechnic experts, supervising firemen, ideal weather conditions, Neil Diamond songs and loads of gunpowder. A 3D projection show requires a laptop, a projector and speakers. Oh, and a building of course. This kind of show also negates the need for audience members to duck or dodge falling firework debris.

This type of 3D projection is becoming more and more popular around the world, which begs the question, can we even trust our own eyes anymore? It used to be that CGI was only limited to movies and low-budget Syfy channel productions about shark/alligator hybrids. Our brains would normally dismiss these monsters, explosions and special effects because they were on a screen. But now you could see this kind of stuff as you're walking down the street. That's a scary thought. The line between reality and fiction is getting more blurred each day. We can't even trust our five (or six) senses anymore.

Admit it, there were moments of that video that you forgot the building really wasn't moving. Don't lie.

You know where liars go.

I'd Buy That for a Dollar!

2011-02-28T00:01:00.175-07:00

Yesterday we payed tribute to those films from 2010 that made us laugh, those that made us cry and those that bored us to tears. But I feel that with all the hype surrounding these movies from the present, we've forgotten great films from the past. Films from, say, 1987. Mayor Dave Bing, I'm looking in your direction.

Mayor Bing is the mayor of Detroit, Michigan. For those of you not familiar with Detroit, it's probably because it's in Michigan. I'll give you a quick background: The city was founded by the French in 1701. They named the city after the nearby river called the "Rivière du Détroit," which translates, roughly, to "lions who will never qualify for the Super Bowl." Since that time Detroit has grown and is now known for their auto industry, Motown and, of course, Robocop.

I've mentioned Robocop on this site before, but I feel like I should state again how much of an influence it had on me as a child. I watched this movie a lot. This movie is the reason that catchphrases like "I'd buy that for a dollar!" "You have 20 seconds to comply." and "Drop it! Dead or alive, you're coming with me" have found their way into my everyday vocabulary. This movie is also the reason why I never trusted Kurtwood Smith when he was on That 70's Show. I owned the toys, I played the video game, I wanted to be Robocop when I grew up.

However, sadly, I didn't end up becoming a cop, or a robot for that matter. Though my lovely wife is probably happy about both of those failures. She would worry about me getting hurt or getting rusty. Nevertheless, Detroit should be proud that the movie Robocop was set in the Motor City. Instead, the leadership has turned a blind eye to their part man, part machine, all cop heritage.

Here's what I'm getting at. On February 7th, 2011, a man tweeted Mayor Dave Bing saying, "Philadelphia has a statue of Rocky & Robocop would kick Rocky's butt. He's a GREAT ambassador for Detroit." Mayor Bing tweeted back, "There are not any plans to erect a statue of Robocop." The mere fact that the mayor responded to this idea at all created a flurry of activity on the web.

The tweets led to a Facebook page, created by John Leonard. This pushed the idea even further. They created a website, started to raise funds, got media attention (I learned about this story from a news article that, alert reader, Brent sent in), they picked out a proposed location for the Robocop statue and they've even contacted sculptors about the best way to cast Peter Weller's iconic Detroiter.

And the rest is history. Or it will be. Their goal was to raise $50,000 to fund the building of this statue. As of the time of this post, they've raised almost $63,000. It's apparent the people of Detroit (and the United States of America) wants a statue of Robocop. Your move, Mayor Bing.

You have 25 days to comply.

Everything's Better with Bacon!

2011-02-21T00:01:00.098-07:00

Bacon.

Admit it, the mere mention of that word made you drool just now. Now wipe off your keyboard and let's get to the meat of this post (pun absolutely intended). Bacon can be used for so many things. It's used as a breakfast food, of course, it can be found on your salad at lunch and it will make any burger at dinner better. Bacon has even made its way into dessert when it's covered in chocolate. Yes, bacon can do anything. Heck, I bet some vegetarians still crave the yummy, crunchy, chewy baconness of bacon!

And it was actually an alert vegetarian reader named Andrea who showed me that bacon is so much more than just a food. She showed me that bacon can actually heal.

Behold, the bacon bandage!

Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I should probably tell you that this isn't real bacon. Real bacon can only heal the wounds of your soul, but these bacon-like band-aids are the perfect way to say "Hey! I got injured! And I like bacon!"

But it doesn't end there. Archie McPhee, the genius company behind the bacon bandage also offers a bunch of other bacon bounty including bacon air fresheners, bacon floss, bacon-flavored gumballs, bacon lip balm, bacon mints (don't quite know how that one works. . .oh well), bacon soap, bacon toothpaste and more!

Now some may say this is overload, but I beg to differ. In fact, I am willing to try every single bacon-related item on that site while incorporating something with bacon into every meal for an entire month. . .presuming someone else is paying for it. I've blown my months budget on a bacon suit.

I'm Not Alone - I Have Salad!

2011-02-14T00:01:00.004-07:00

Now, I don't claim to be a historian, but, as we all know, Valentine's Day is the very special day where we celebrate the birth of Saint Valentine, who shot arrows at people until they married each other. He also gave out candy.

And since that day Valentine's Day has become a day for couples. Women get showered with flowers, chocolates, jewelry, stuffed animals and other gifts, while men get to buy these things for the women. It's a wonderful holiday.

But what about those that don't have someone on Valentine's Day? Women, in particular, seem to get very down on V-Day if they don't have someone to share it with. Not to worry, ladies! You don't need another person to enjoy Valentine's Day. You just need salad. That's right, salad!

Don't believe me? Take a look at this small sampling of pictures from a post on The Hairpin, a website created by Edith Zimmerman and Liz Colville. Edith happened to notice that, for some reason, there seems to be an abundance of pictures of women laughing while they hold bowls of salad. Apparently it's a marketing trick to get you to eat healthier. See if it works for you.

That's right. Stare off into the distance and laugh at your salad.

"Ha! Salad is C-R-A-Z-Y!"

That's right, ladies, fruit salad is just as funny as regular salad.

If you're still feeling lonely, even with your salad, add a glass of water. The combination is hilarious!

Indoors or outdoors, salad is endlessly entertaining!

You don't even need to be eating salad to enjoy your loneliness! Making salad is just as fun!

In fact, don't actually eat the salad - just laugh with your salad. After all, once you eat it, you'll be lonely again.

And believe it or not, this is only the beginning of "Women Laughing Alone with Salad." You can see the rest of the pictures from the article here.

I'd like to thank, alert reader, Ted for showing me how fun and funny salad can really be!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Lego My Best Picture!

2011-02-07T00:01:00.059-07:00

So the Academy Award nominations are in and either the Academy has read my last few posts about the Oscars, or I'm getting more film snobbish, because I didn't have any big problems with this year's nominees. Maybe it's because they expanded the Best Picture category to 10 films so even though, let's face it, some films have no chance of actually winning, at least the general public doesn't feel like their film was snubbed.

Anyway, I thought I'd do a quick recap of the Best Picture nominees here on Slice of Fried Gold, Slice-of-Fried-Gold style! Alex Eylar, a Lego designer, being the Lego genius that he is, has recreated each one of the nominated films with pet dander. I'm kidding, of course - pet dander is reserved for the Best Live Action Short Film nominees. But here are the Best Picture nominees in Lego form.

Let's see how many you can identify without cheating and looking them up!

***WARNING: The comments will probably contain spoilers. You've been warned.***

Note: I've only seen 4/10 of these films as of the date of this post. Surprisingly, I plan on seeing almost all of the nominees this year.

And Now For Something Completely Different

2011-01-31T00:01:00.056-07:00

I'd like to unleash a whole Santa Claus of randomness on you in this post!

If you are a faithful reader of this blog (and who isn't?) then you know there are certain sites that I frequent and frequently enjoy. I Can Has Cheezburger, GraphJam, Awkward Family Photos, Cake Wrecks, This Is Why You're Fat and more have made their way onto my "Other Links to Kill Time" sidebar. Well thanks to, alert reader, Mitch I have found a new humorous site that will probably be a dichotomizing one.

The site is Unrelated Captions. The premise of the site is simple: you upload a picture, add a caption that has nothing to do with the picture and voila! Instant humor!

Now, the way I figure it, this site is gonna go one of two ways for you, my faithful readers: You'll either be in the "Huh? I Don't Get It" category, or you will fall into the "Holy CATS that is hilarious!" category. Since I hate to waste people's time, I've gathered together a little sample of my favorite Unrelated Caption entries, so you can decide for yourself if you want to go to the official site or not. I won't judge you if you don't like it, but I will seriously question your sense of humor and your worth as a human being.

Here's your sampler platter!

And my personal favorite, though I don't know why, exactly. . .

So there you go. Love 'em or hate 'em, you can't deny that these captions are truly unrelated.

It Just Got Real in Here

2011-01-24T00:01:00.055-07:00

My dad is the type of guy who wants complete realism in movies. He wants people to be injured in car crashes instead of walking away completely unharmed. He wants the apartment tenants to call the police as soon as they hear gunshots in the alley. He wants Kate Beckinsale to be in more movies. . .wait. . .that's me. He prefers Teri Garr.

Anyway, I think that my dad would enjoy movies a lot more if they had followed the laws of physics a little more. Take, for example, Star Wars. I love the films (not the books though - the books are for complete nerds and dweebs!), but when the Rebel fleet, led by Admiral Ackbar and Lando Calrissian, enters hyperspace from Sullust to begin the Battle of Endor in 4 ABY they end up destroying the Executor-class Star Dreadnought and it explodes. . .in space. See the problem here?

There is no air in space and, therefore, there could be no fire/explosions. There could also be no sound, so those cool noises made by the Tie Fighters or the Millenium Falcon going into light speed are also not very realistic.

However, would I take those away from the movie completely? Probably not. But, for my dad's sake, I'd like to show you a world where Newton's first law (an object in motion stays in motion, except after "C") holds true.

Behold the alternate, more realistic ending of Return of the Jedi:

Awkward!

This video was made by a self-proclaimed jerk called Thunderscreech and I, for one, was quite entertained.

Dad, I hope you were, too.

I MADE THIS FOR YOU!

2011-01-17T00:01:00.091-07:00

I feel behind the times. Julian Smith has been around for a while now and has a HUGE online fan base, yet I just heard about him from, alert reader, Jeff C. a couple weeks ago. I am ashamed.

However, to make it up you, my faithful readers, I'd like to present to you a small sampling of the plethora of videos this guy has made. He's very talented. Since I was first introduced to him I have watched numerous videos of his and I've found something entertaining about each one. Plus he's a clean comic, which I really appreciate.

Here's to you, Julian (if that is your real name):

Hot Kool Aid - This is the first Julian Smith video I ever saw, and I think it's the one that helped him make his mark.

Note: I don't know why they're British in that clip.

Malk - This was the second one that I watched, also recommended by Jeff C. It's bizarre, but that seems to be Julian's style.

Techno Jeep - Proving that he is as innovative as he is humorous, this video shows Julian's creativity/boredom.

Waffles - This final video in this sampler platter showcases one of Julian's regular characters, Jeffery.

There are many, many other humorous Julian Smith videos on his site and on YouTube, but I figured I had to stop at four, because anything more would be overkill.

However, even though his videos average over a million views each, now that he's made Slice of Fried Gold, his life is truly going to change - much like many other people I've featured on this site.

You're welcome, Julian.

Have Fun, Get Fit, All While Learning Engrish!

2011-01-10T00:01:00.014-07:00

The last post was so centered around me and my likes, that I would like to spend this post talking about you, faithful readers, and your weight. . . and your multilingual education. What if I told you that there was a quick and easy way to learn English while getting fit and having fun?

"But, The Former 786," you say, "I already speak English. If I didn't, I wouldn't be a faithful reader of Slice of Fried Gold."

Huh. Good point there. . . .

Anyway, here are a few videos to help you learn English. I have seen these before, but, alert reader, Shelly has brought them to my attention once again. Below are some clips from the Japanese TV show 英会話体操 Zuiikin’ English (or, for you non-Japanese speakers out there, Eikaiwa Taisō Zuiikin' English).

This program aired originally in the early 1990s and it only had 24 episodes? Why, you ask? Well, it could be because all the viewers killed themselves after watching too many of these endlessly repetitive and redundant lessons - which is why I'm only posting three here. Trust me, it's for your safety.

Here's the first one, it's a simple lesson, but I think we can all learn from it. Thanks, Shelly!

Author's Note: I have no idea what that 2nd robber was wearing on his face - or what purpose it serves.

Here's the second one, that is sure to help your love life.

And here's the coupe-de-ville - the one that put these girls on the map (at least for me). Enjoy, please!

So. There you go. There are many clips of the different lessons from this TV show on YouTube, though I advise only watching one or two at a time - for your health. I don't want to be responsible for you getting all fit and English-y on me.

Huh. Look at that. Even though this post started out about you, it ended about me again. . .oh well.

Isn't narcissistic egocentrism what blogging is all about, anyway? I think so.