IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT'S HERE!!

Huzzah for October!

Here's a music video from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs that has a peppy beat, catchy lyrics, and a Halloween twist to celebrate October's arrival.



Thanks to Andrea for pointing this one out to me.

Literal TV Titles

One of the most important jobs in Hollywood is the person who picks the title for a movie. A title can make or break a film. For example, I'm convinced that Pretty Woman wouldn't have been as successful if they would have gone with the original title of "3000." I don't think teenagers would want to see a film called "Night of Anubis" and that's why George A. Romero changed the name to "Night of the Living Dead." Anubis? Not scary. Living Dead? Scary.

This same principle applies to television shows as well. Believe it or not (you probably shouldn't believe it - I made these up), these are the original titles for some popular TV shows of today:

"We're Intentionally Trying to Confuse You"

I'm glad they went with the simpler title of "Lost" on this one, because it makes it easier to reference in everyday conversation. Yes, the characters are lost, but that's really all we know. Between the viral advertising, the online message boards and the actual show, the only thing I've come to understand is that no one really knows what's going on. I mean, I've watched all five seasons and I still don't know what "the monster" introduced in season one really is! I hope that the writers of the show will explain stuff in this final season, because if the faithful watchers of Lost don't get a satisfying explanation, they're probably going to burn ABC studios to the ground.

"My Uncle's Teaching Me How to Be a Womanizer"

Seriously, why is this show still on the air? And why is it winning awards?? The few times I've tried to watch Two and a Half Men all I've seen is Charlie Sheen give some off-color advice to his nephew and then the laugh track plays at full volume. I once heard it said that this is the "most-watched sitcom" on television today. Who's watching it? I, literally, do not personally know ONE person who regularly watches this show and/or thinks it is any good. Please, 2 1/2 Men. . .go away.

"Crime-Solving Show"

Since these shows are exactly the same, it should be no surprise that the original title was the same for CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York and CSI: Saskatchewan, as well as NCIS, The Mentalist, Medium, Castle, Cold Case, The Closer and Criminal Minds - Oh, and let's not forget every incarnation of Law & Order (I believe there are 183 "different" versions currently on the air). Not convinced that these are the same show? Let me give you the plot for each episode: A crime happens, there's some little piece of evidence that leads them to suspect #1, but suspect #1 isn't the real criminal, he only leads to a series of other suspects and clues. Then they finally figure out who actually committed the crime (about 3/4 into the show) and have just enough time to explain how they did it to the audience, arrest them/convict them and have some witty banter between the stars. Roll credits.

"Awkwardness"

Without awkwardness there would be no sitcom called The Office. And believe it or not, the American version isn't even half as awkward as the original British version. The show revolves around the awkwardness that Michael Scott creates. If Michael Scott isn't making people feel awkward, then Dwight is doing it, or Kevin is doing it, or Andy is doing it, or Creed it doing it, or Angela is doing it, etc. They give us Jim and Pam so that we can relate to someone on the show, but let's face it, practically all of the humor on the show comes from that nervous laughter we do when we feel awkward.

"C-List Celebrities Need Some Cash"

In some ways, it's a happy thing that celebrities have a place to go when they're done being marketable - it's like sending a cow out to a beautiful pasture when it's nearing the end of it's life. Admit it, when you see a star that you actually like on Dancing with the Stars, you feel a little sad for them. Also, can they really call them "stars" if no one knows what they're famous for? Sure, you know two or three of the contestants, but then you have to go online and look up the names of the rest of them. If you're a celebrity and you're on Dancing with the Stars, it's time to get a new agent.

"Everybody Should Just Believe Dr. House"

House is right. House is always right. So why are people constantly doubting him? It's like Mulder in the X-files! Just believe him, Scully! Each episode consists of Dr. House making a diagnosis and insulting people, and then everyone surrounding him thinking that his diagnosis is wrong, until, at the end, when it turns out he is. . .you ready for this?. . . right! You'd think, after a while, the uber-educated doctors on the show would catch on to this pattern.

"Tyra's Tyra Show starring Tyra with Special Guest Tyra"

America's Next Top Model is all about Tyra. It's definitely not about the models - have ANY of the winners gone on to be household names? Can you even name the winners of each season? Each episode is about what Tyra likes, what Tyra doesn't like, what Tyra wants, what Tyra looks like and what Tyra wants you to look like. "Your eyes are like this (looks to the side), when they should be like this (looks to the side in the exact same way)!" I have a challenge for you, start a stopwatch when an episode of AMTM begins and see how long it takes for Tyra to say the word "me, my, I" or "myself." My record? 2 minutes, 45 seconds.

"Dumb Husband & Shrewish Wife"

Most of these shows are only in syndication now, but this was the working title for shows such as Home Improvement, Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, Still Standing and the like. You know, the ones where the husband is a bumbling fool who constantly tries to do crazy things and the wife is constantly trying to fix things and yelling at him and trying to keep order. These kind of shows made me fear marriage and I'm glad that we seem to be moving away from this type of storyline.

"Melodramatic Doctors Creating Drama Set to Melodramatic Music"

In all fairness, I don't think I've ever seen a full episode of Grey's Anatomy, but I'm going to criticize it anyway. Every clip I've seen of this show involves someone crying, someone dying, and some singer whining in the background. Oh, and everyone is sleeping with everyone else. It's like the later "soap opera" episodes of Friends, but without the funny. I think the show was better when it was called General Hospital.

"How to Become a C-List Celebrity"

American Idol, America's Got Talent, Big Brother, Survivor, So You Think You Can Dance and The Apprentice - each one of these shows will give you your 15 minutes of fame, but that's pretty much all you're going to get. In the beginning, when reality TV was still new, the people on the shows had a chance at marketing themselves and actually becoming famous. However, now that we've become so flooded with reality TV "stars" they get their time on screen and then they're pushed to the background when the next crop of hopefuls arrive. People roll their eyes at the mere mention of the phrase "reality star" these days and it's only going to get worse.



Ok, so these aren't actually the original titles for these shows, but I thought it would be interesting if the titles of the TV shows actually reflected what the show was about. It would, at least, make decisions on what to watch each night a lot easier.

Multitasking in the Face of Death

I know I shouldn't text and drive, my wife reminds me of this all the time. But recently I found this test to see how good I am at multitasking.

I didn't do too bad.

Click Here to Test your Texting Skills

My reaction time (on this last test) was 0.35 seconds slower while texting and 5% more gates were missed while texting.

I could probably do better if I tried it again, but I want to give you faithful readers a fighting chance. ;)

Oh, and by the way, I don't think there really is a "Gray Lady." I think they made it up to make me feel like a bad driver.

Good luck!

ACTING!

I love the theatre. The hush of the crowd as the curtain rises, the smell of cream-based stage makeup mixed with spirit gum and anticipation, the feel of your feet occasionally sticking to the floor because someone spilled something there earlier. . . .ahhhh, there's nothing quite like it.

I also fancy myself as something of a performer. I have done a number of plays, sketches and other things like that, and have enjoyed practically every minute of it. But, like many other actors, I am constantly trying to improve my craft, my art, my ACTING! So, imagine my tremendous joy when a friend recommended this clip from the television series called "Extras." In this clip, Sir Ian McKellen, master thespian, gives Ricky Gervais insight as to how he acts so well. This episode actually aired back in 2006, but recently it has breathed new life into who I am when I am onstage.



Pure genius, Sir Ian. You've not only inspired Ricky Gervais, you've inspired me as well. I thank you.

A Rose Fish By Any Other Name. . .

PETA is always good for a laugh.

Yes, I love animals too, but this group of people for the ethical treatments of animals does certain things that make them just look a little crazy every now and then. I mean, I have a hard time respecting an organization that tells women and men that stripping off their clothes will help save the animals somehow - it doesn't save the animals, it just makes you naked.

One of my favorite PETA battles? Fish. I guess it's not even cool for vegetarians to eat fish anymore (although I always thought that to be a weird loophole in the vegetarian rules). Now, I refuse to eat fish because it tastes awful, so I'm already doing my part to save them, but that's not enough. I'm only one person. In order to save all the fishes of the sea, PETA has stepped up to the plate and taken a swing at all you filthy fisheaters out there. PETA has asked the US Fish and Wildlife Service to officially change the name of fish to, and I'm not making this up, "Sea Kittens."

Yes. Sea Kittens.

This is for real. They've even created a site (click here) where you can see their plea and, as an added bonus, create your own adorable sea kitten. This is what I came up with:




I'm sure this campaign will stick and it will change the world. Look, it worked on me. I've already vowed to not eat any more fish because of it. . . and because of the smell, flavor and texture. GAG!

Thank you, PETA, for keeping me so entertained!


ADDED BONUS!!

Jim Gaffigan on vegetarians:

Twisting Disney

My daughter is starting to become obsessed with Disney princesses. She's constantly asking to watch " 'rella" and she's always wanting to dance with me while singing "I know you upon dream" over and over again.

I have no problem with this.

Even though I know that Disney is an evil and ruthless corporate organization determined to rule the world, I have fond memories of many Disney animated features, and I hope that my children will have the same positive feelings for these movies and the characters.

So, in order to appease my daughter (let's face it, I need the readership), I've decided to post pictures of Disney princesses on this blog. . . HOWEVER, since this blog is all about the strange and unusual, I'm going to compromise and post pictures of Disney Princesses according to an artist named Jeffery Thomas (aka jeftoon01) from the DeviantART website.

Here are some of my favorites:

Snow White looks pretty creepy herself, but when you add those freaky dwarfs, it's pretty awesome.

Alice In Wonderland was never one of my favorite Disney cartoons, but maybe it would have been if it had this kind of vibe (Tim Burton? You listening?).


Yes, this one is quite disturbing, but I really like how they brought in the owl with the prince's cape.


Let's face reality, folks, this is probably what mermaids would look like if they existed. Notice how she has a "dinglehopper" for a hand.


Belle is sporting a pretty serious "Samara" look in this picture, but she's still the hottest Disney princess (that's right! I said it!).


Why is Cinderella made of burlap and straw? I don't know, but Gus-Gus looks pretty ticked off about the whole thing.

So there you have it. I know that some of you out there will hate the Twisted Princess series (you can find the rest of the princesses if you click here), but you have to admit that they're quite unique.

Let's see if this wins over my daughter.

It's Coming. . .

Can you feel it?




I sure can! :)

A Cinematic World Without World War II

The other night I was watching Casablanca, and I realized that the entire conflict which puts the plot in motion was World War II. I then got to thinking about how many films deal with WWII and how many movies use the events and after effects of the Second World War as a plot point. Even this past weekend, there was a big-budget production that dealt specifically with the war. Which begs the question:

What films would not exist if World War II never happened?

That's a double negative, I know, but I'm just suggesting that the Second World War has influenced a large number of films in Hollywood and without this "inspiration" a lot of plot lines and screenplays wouldn't have existed. Yes, a world without WWII would have prevented the awful Pearl Harbor movie by Michael Bay, but it would have also cut out a number of critically acclaimed and cherished films.

Since listing all the movies that would be missing in this alternate reality would create an insanely long post, I've decided to order them in 7 different film categories:

1. Actual World War II


The first to go would be the films that actually deal with soldiers in the war and show the battle lines - the movies where the war is a prominent or primary part of the plot. This is a pretty obvious, category, I know, but I'll try to get a little more obscure as we go on.

Other examples: Sands of Iwo Jima, Saints and Soldiers, The Bridge on the River Kwai


2. Dealing with Nazis


Next on the chopping block would be the films that don't specifically show the war, but they still deal with the participants. Without WW2, we would lose a large chunk of movies where the hero is fighting the Nazis. If you need a bad guy in a movie, the traditional Nazi is the way to go. If your antagonist is a goose-stepper, then you have someone the audience automatically hates without having to delve into any of that annoying character development. In fact, I'd venture to say that Nazis are the only group of people in America who can be destroyed in a movie and no one in the audience will cry political incorrectness.

Other examples: Hellboy, Went the Day Well?, American History X


3. Dealing with the Holocaust


There is some overlap with this category and the previous one, but these would be the sympathetic films that deal more with the suffering of the Jewish people rather than fighting against the Nazi soldiers. These are the films that tug at your heartstrings and bring the horrors of concentration camps into your living room. Hollywood has made a number of these films to help us not forget how low humanity can sink if left unchecked.

Other examples: Schindler's List, Life is Beautiful, Everything is Illuminated


4. Vietnam



"But, The Former 786," you may say, "This is a completely different war!" Trust me, I know that, but I was discussing this post with a friend of mine who is an expert in the way of history and he informed me that the Vietnam War is actually a result of France losing control of French Indochina after being conquered by the Nazis. -- Maybe some sort of conflict around Vietnam would have occurred regardless of WW2's aftermath, but it wouldn't have been the same -- and Oliver Stone would be out of a job.

Other examples: Platoon, The Deer Hunter, Forrest Gump

5. Russian Power and the Cold War



Yup, this category of films would be altered as well. As my historically inclined friend also explained to me, "The Cold War may have happened, but certainly not in the same way. The US was not involved in international intervention before the war, and the Soviet Union claimed Eastern Europe after the war - which started fears of a communist takeover of the world. It also allowed Stalin to consolidate power. The US and the Soviet Union becoming the remaining superpowers is, in fact, a direct result of the war." No Russian fears = no Russian arch enemies in American movies. This would eliminate a number of films from the 80s and would almost completely destroy the James Bond franchise.

Other examples: The Hunt for Red October, Spies Like Us, Rocky IV


6. The Nuclear Option


Speaking generally, pretty much any film that involves a nuclear threat and/or detonation owes a debt of gratitude to the Second World War. After the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki the whole world changed - suddenly there was a way to destroy people en masse. In the history of warfare, only two nuclear weapons have been detonated offensively, both during World War II. Since the bomb and the use thereof come from the war, fear of nuclear destruction is also a result of the war. -->

Other examples: Grave of the Fireflies, WarGames, Terminator 2

7. Miscellaneous WWII



The children in both the above movie and Bedknobs and Broomsticks are displaced because of the events of the war. Another faithful reader mentioned to me that it is generally accepted that Film Noir is a direct result of the Second World War - the films that began the genre almost always focus on a World War II veteran who doesn't know how to reassimilate. Plus, B-movies, in general, were developed as cost-saving measures to keep Hollywood churning and profiting even during times of WW2 rationing. This war is everywhere in Hollywood, I tell ya!



So, there ya go. Now, keep in mind, this is an alternate reality, so my speculation is just as good as yours. However, it makes you wonder what the film industry would be like if it wasn't for World War II. It's probable that other events would have inspired screenwriters and other wars could have taken the place of the current ones in film, but I just thought it was interesting that one war among so many could make such an impression on the big screen. I mean, click here and see a massive list of films that deal with WWII!

So, in answer to the question "War, what is it good for?" I'd say it's pretty good for the box office.