Call Me Eagle Eyes

Normally I strive to bring you tales of the strange and unusual on this site. And since it's been almost two weeks since my last post and I haven't really found a story that inspired me, I decided to post about my own strange and unusual story.

My car, Tess, and I have been together a long time now. I know what she's like when she's grumpy, tired or cold and she knows what my reaction to is a certain Hannah Montana song is when it comes on the radio and I'm alone in the car (I can neither confirm nor deny that I vigorously sing along using an old gas receipt as a microphone).

So when her tires started behaving oddly I was concerned. I would fill the tire up at our local gas station (with air, not gas -- I learned my lesson) and then the next morning it would practically be flat again. Tess had a slow leak and I knew that I needed to take her in to the shop. Beth took her to Discount Tire Company and they found that there was a screw puncturing the tire (Poor Tess!), but they could fix it. And since we had purchased the tires at Discount Tire Company, there was no charge for the repairs. Boo-yeah!

The next day I drove to work in confidence. I held my head high as I sat at my desk, knowing that Tess was healthy and well. And as I drove home that evening -- possibly rocking out to someone who's name rhymes with Cylie Myrus -- I knew Tess was happy with me, too. But then, when I got out of the car I noticed that my left front hubcap was missing. Someone from the DTC must have been a little lax in putting it back on. The tire looked bare and awful. It was as if Tess had her ankles showing at a BYU dance! I was shocked and horrified. I looked in the immediate area and couldn't see anything. I went to bed that night sad for Tess, and even sorry for Mr. Wallet, who was going to have to lose a little more weight this month than planned.

The next day I came up with the idea that, since I take the same route every day, the hubcap was bound to show up on my way to or from work. As Tess and I left for work I scanned the road and surrounding area, looking for some sign of the missing hubcap. As I was passing a gas station I looked across the street and saw a glimpse of glistening gray plastic in a field. I would have stopped immediately, but I was late for work so I figured I'd investigate further after work.

After work I dashed back to Tess, eager to reunite her and her missing piece of modesty. On the way home, I was sure to scan the roads and surrounding area once again, just in case my hubcap was not in that distant field by the gas station. When I got to the aforementioned spot I pulled over the car and walked into the field. Sure enough, like Charlie and that chocolate bar, I saw a glint of pseudo-metal plastic and excitedly hurried to see the rest. It was my missing hubcap! The Toyota logo was caked with dirt, but it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen (that day on the drive home. . .I love you, Beth! :) )!

As I proudly held my trophy you may think that I was worried that the passing cars would see me as a crazy transient who grabbed an abandoned, junky hubcap from the side of the road and declared it as his own. But as I put the hubcap on the wheel I felt like Prince Charming placing the slipper on Cinderella. It was magical. I returned home to my wife with my arms in the air singing R.E.M's Superman song (it's true, you can ask her). It was a modern-day miracle that I was able to find it again and that it was still in once piece. In the words of Leo, I was the king of the world!

Later that night as my day was ending I looked at my filthy trophy once more -- thinking about how it deserved a good-polish. And how, covered in dirt, it looked so much different than the others. And then... how. . .it really did look different from my other ones. . . . . . .regardless of the dirt. . . . . .

Oh crap. . .

It wasn't my hubcap.

Marathon Throne Time

Recently I received a copy of the Bathroom Reader (17th Edition) from my wife. I found it all wrapped up in beautiful wrapping paper and a shiny bow. . .in the bathroom. Needless to say, it was the most sparkly thing I've ever seen in a bathroom. It seemed a little odd to be opening a present during my "morning devotional," but the gift inside was quite appropriate for the setting.

For those of you who don't know what the Bathroom Reader is, it's a series of humorous references books (I know this because it says "Humor/Reference" on the back cover) that have random and interesting information specifically designed for short, medium, and long stays on the porcelain.

Since learning about the Bathroom Reader I have spent countless hours cramming random facts into my head such as: Girls cannot be hemophiliacs, there are cities called Straight AND Gay in Oklahoma, the history of Tarzan, the average person takes about 23,000 breaths and that frogs have no ribs.

I also have learned that my book cost $16.95 in the U.S. and $23.95 in Canada (the supply must be lower in Canada, or the demand is higher) because books always seem to post the price on the back cover. Don't they realize that books are sometimes given as gifts when the movie-version hasn't come out yet?? You can get them cheaper online if you buy used. . .but they're BATHROOM Readers. . .and if someone has used them. . .well, you get the point.

Anyway, because I'm learning new things and being entertained at the same time, I've found that I spend more time in the bathroom when I have a copy of the Bathroom Reader. But even if you combine all the time I've been learning about such things as the history of the Barbie doll, the first CD to sell one million copies (Dire Straits' Brothers in Arms), and the fact that Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors, it doesn't even compare to this woman in Kansas who sat on her toilet for 2 YEARS!!

I am not kidding. A 35-year-old woman from Ness City, Kansas apparently had a phobia of going outside and this eventually led to her spending all her time in the bathroom. She was actually on the toilet for so long that her body actually FUSED to the toilet. She was physically stuck to the toilet seat.

The weirdest part is, that this woman wasn't living alone. She lived with her boyfriend, Kory McFarren, in his trailer. However, it took Kory TWO YEARS to finally realize that "something was wrong" and he called the paramedics. He said he'd been bringing her food and water and trying to coax her to come out, but she wouldn't and so he just kept on supporting her. Kory even says that they had a perfectly normal relationship, "except it all happened in the bathroom."

I don't see how this could work. In the short time I've been writing this post my wife has not brought me food nor water AND she's been constantly after me to stop typing and to start getting ready for the day. And I'm pretty sure that if I announced to her one day that I was going to sit on the couch for two years and just watch reruns of Mythbusters because I was afraid of going outside, she would tip the couch over (she's pretty strong for a petite girl) and drag me around by the chest hair until I remembered what I was really supposed to be afraid of (I love you, pumpkin!).

Well, for this woman the paramedics did come and they had to break the toilet to get her to the hospital and then they had to pry the toilet seat off of her. The woman has a serious infection and they say that she may have permanent nerve damage now and could be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. But Kory, her dim, but loving boyfriend said in a video interview that his doors are open and he'll take care of her "whether she walks or rolls out of that hospital." See? This story DOES have a happy ending! All the story needs now is for the guy to profusely apologize to the girl after chasing after her before she leaves town or gets married to some other guy and you could make this into a romantic comedy!

Well, I'd better end this post. My legs are getting tingly and numb from sitting here and typing this post for so long on my laptop.

Some Things Are Not Meant To Be

If you know me at all, you know I like movies. I like the deep, thoughtful ones, and I enjoy the frivolous, popcorn ones. I feel that any idea could turn in to an entertaining movie (unless it's an idea from Tyler Perry or Michael Bay). So I was shocked and horrified when I learned that Cracked.com had made a list of movies that should not be made! Inspired by the announcement that there was going to be (and I'm not making this up) a movie based on the game Monopoly, they asked their readers to make fake movie posters of the worst movie ideas/adaptations ever and then posted them on their site. I actually found the list quite funny, though and I'd like to share some of them with you:

The problem with this one is that no one can play Matlock like Andy Griffith. . .except maybe Raymond Burr. . .or Sam Waterson. . .or William Shatner. . .



The sad thing is, this adaptation could actually happen! The children of the 70s have now grown up and are feeling nostalgic. And Ferrell and Reily do make a good comedic team. . .




Now this one could work. It's a popular game, everyone knows the premise, and you never know who's going to win in the end!



Science nerds everywhere are DROOLING for this one! They're sure it's going to be box office "Au!" ZING!



I've been WAITING for the movie to come out so I don't have to read the book!



I put these two together to help those who wouldn't have made the connection on their own. Plus, these two movies together would HAVE to be better than the Super Mario Brothers Movie.



I really like the cereal (where's Boo Berry????), but these two odd-looking actors in the same movie could be hazardous.



I hope they make this one because I wish nothing but success for Vin Diesel. No. . .wait. . .I'm thinking of Steve Zahn. I don't like Vin Diesel or his movies.



This one would be good for me, because it might actually make me somewhat interested to do faux-math in little crossword puzzle boxes and feel semi-intellectual for a while.



This is a personal indulgence of mine, but I couldn't stop laughing at the idea of this movie. Kim represents all that is reprehensible about the TV show 24 (that, and Season 6 of 24).



The question is. . .does this film actually work? It seems so simple!



If the original game made thousands of children want to be doctors. . .this movie will stop that.


If they make this one interactive and give everyone NES light guns, I am SOOOOOOOO there!



While watching this film in theaters, no cellphones or children under 6 are allowed because you have to be. . .vewwwy, vewwwy qwiet! ZING AGAIN!!



But J.J. will not tell you where the hippos came from or why they are hungry. He'll just create a ton of questions and leave it to speculation on the internet.



And finally. . .my favorite idea that shouldn't be made into a movie!


I stil iz LOLing!


So there you go. Hope you enjoyed it. If you think any ridiculous ideas for film adaptations were left out, feel free to mention them in the comments section.

Kthxbye!

And the Oscar Goes To. . .

Most people have already given their opinion on the Oscars (it was over a week ago, for crying out loud!!!), but I thought I'd throw in my six cents (because it's worth TRIPLE what two cents is -- and six times what a penny is!).

However, I'm not going to talk about the typical Best Actor/Actress/Picture stuff. Basically because I feel that Johnny Depp has been ripped off the three times he's been nominated because he didn't cry or scream/yell really intensely during his films -- I'm of the mind that you can't win an Academy Award for Best Actor or Actress unless you cry or scream/yell really intensely at some point during the movie. And I challenge any one out there to prove me wrong!

But I digress. I wanted to talk about the music. I was actually surprised that Enchanted (a lovely film that. . .uh. . .my wife made me go to. . .yeah. . .that's the ticket) was up for THREE nominations for best song and then lost to that homeless couple. Yes, I know the homeless couple can sing and I do like that song, but it was still interesting to me that a movie can be acknowledged as having, not one, but THREE Oscar-worthy songs and still not win. Odd.

But that's still a digression. The other day at work we found this list of all of the Academy Award nominated songs since the dawn of Oscar and started to listen to all the ones we could find. I was shocked with how many of them I actually knew and, in relation to that, how many I had no idea were nominated for Academy Awards. Songs like "Eye of the Tiger" and "Ghostbusters" were fun to work out to and sing-along to, but did you know they were Academy Award contenders (neither won, but. . .)? And songs like "I Just Called to Say I Love You" (or "I just called to say Ha Lobos!" as my Portuguese buddy used to sing) by Stevie Wonder never had any relation to a movie in my mind and so I was surprised to see them on that list as well.

So, in conclusion, I encourage all of you to look at this list and remember the good ones and laugh at the bad ones. . .and give Johnny Depp an Oscar, for crying out loud!