Times is Hard, Times is Hard

There are few things more depressing than seeing an actor you like fall on hard times. For example, I remember I really used to enjoy the Not Quite Human Disney Sunday Movie series and I remember feeling really sad when I saw Chip on a Napa Auto Parts commercial. And there was another time I saw Wallace from Veronica Mars doing a commercial for pizza rolls. Whenever you see a former star doing random TV commercials, you know they're not doing that well.

However, the only thing worse than seeing a favorite celeb in a crappy commercial is seeing someone formerly famous become a criminal.

Case in point - July 22nd, 2010, Setauket, New York. A star we all know and love has obviously hit rock bottom. I don't know how to tell you this, so. . .well. . .just. . .just look at this:

Yes, faithful readers, our friend Anakin has joined the Dark Side once again. I am as saddened as you are.

The Sith Lord strolled in to the Chase bank in Long Island just before noon last Thursday and demanded money from the understandably intimidated teller. Vader must really be struggling because he's pawned off his lightsaber and, apparently, his pants. He was brandishing a clumsy and random handgun and he was wearing camouflage trousers. However, he has still held on to his respirator, cape and helmet.

The service representative, not wanting to get her throat crushed, decided to comply. She gave him the money and he stuffed it into a bag with a New York Yankees logo on it (maybe he's got some sponsorships in the works). And it seems the senior Skywalker must have really been having a bad day because he also punched a random customer on the way out.

And who's to blame for all this? The media, of course.

Hollywood is typical for stereotyping and typecasting. I guess they didn't think that an aging former Jedi Knight (he never made Master, it's true) that requires a respirator could play any part other than an evil overlord. He was pigeon-holed into that role. And since George Lucas decided to end Anakin's story in 2005, Vader had nowhere else to go.

It's not like Darth couldn't have done other parts. I could see him in an action movie - he does have the force and could probably beat up some of the lesser action stars, like Steven Seagal. He also could have been in a horror movie - with his mask off, he kind of looks like Jason Voorhees. He even could have pulled off a romantic comedy - I can see the titles now: "Vader of the Bride" or "Sith Magic Moment."

You just have to give Anakin a chance, Hollywood! I mean, no one thought Tom Hanks could pull off a dramatic acting job back in the day, but look at him now! All he does is dramatic movies!

However, I can see some good come out of this. Even though Darth Vader now has a criminal record here in the US (before it was just intergalactic crimes, and those don't carry over universal borders), any publicity is good publicity, right? This may get him noticed by Hollywood producers. And, if nothing else, this robbery could get Vader some merchandising deals.

"I find your lack of savings disturbing. . ."

Revenge of the Sith

The wicked have prevailed once again, my friends. I don't know if it was because of money, power or influence, but once again a bad man is walking free and have left the innocent without justice.

I'm talking, of course, about Darth Vader.

Some of you may have heard that there was a recent attack on the Jedi Church. Yes, there really is a Jedi Church. A certain group of men decided that they believed much of the fictional mottos and creeds that George Lucas made up while he was a lonely teenager. So they follow the Jedi doctrine and have all of the fun that the Jedi in Star Wars have. . .except they don't have lightsabers and they can't control the force. . . . . . . .huh. . . . . that doesn't seem like much. . . .but I do know that the Jedi in the movies take an oath of celibacy and I'm pretty sure these guys are following that or, at least, using it as an excuse for their lack of contact with females - "It's a choice! I swear!"

But I digress. A while back Arwel Wynne Hughes, a 27-year-old Welsh man dressed up as Darth Vader by using a black garbage bag and assaulted some members of the Jedi Church as they were doing some training exercises. Using a metal crutch as his lightsaber he attacked (and I am not making these names up) Master Jonba Hehol (aka Barney Jones) and his cousin Master Mormi Hehol (aka Michael Jones). Jonba got hit on the head, and Mormi received a bruised thigh. This truly was a disturbance in the force.

Why did Darth Hughes feel the need to attack these peaceful keepers of the peace? Was it because of his deep roots with the dark side? Was he following orders of the Emperor? Or was he really disappointed with George Lucas' latest versions of what was once a great franchise? Nope. He was just drunk. Arwel-kin claimed that he couldn't recall the incident because he had "drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon box of wine beforehand."

It's still no excuse! This article, sent in by alert reader Miss Berrie, states that the slick Sith Lawyer, Frances Jones (there must be a lot of Jones' in Wales) convinced the judge that "He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it." Hmmmmm, that sounds like Dark Side talk to me.

And, after some research, I found what claims to be the video here.

The judge sentenced Darth VadHughes to two months in jail, yes, but he suspended the sentence for one year which is plenty of time for him to build a Death Star or something. And the judge gave him a fine of about $200, but that's nothing to Arwel Vader. His chest piece alone costs that much!

Will justice ever be served? I don't know. But it looks like this more like the ending of The Empire Strikes Back, rather than the ending of Return of the Jedi.

I don't want to leave you on a down note, so here's a different story about free cookies sent in by alert reader, Lobbie.