I've said it before and I'll say it again, the worst movies in the world are comedies. It's hard to laugh at someone who thinks they're being funny and failing. On the other hand, a bad horror movie makes an excellent comedy. If a scary movie fails to be scary, it can still be hilarious. So here is a list of horror movies so bad, they're good. Now, faithful readers, this list doesn't include many of the horrible movies featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000, such as Werewolf, Pod People and Manos: The Hands of Fate. These are movies that are enjoyable without aids such as MST3K. I like Manos just as much as the next guy, but without the aid of Joel and the Bots, it's almost unbearable. So, without further ado, here is a list of some awful...ly good horror films.
Troll 2
No list of bad movies would be complete without this stinker. Troll 2 not only has nothing to do with the original Troll movie, but it also doesn't have any trolls in it. This one actually has some decent special effects -- I'm referring to the two tree transformations in the film here -- but it suffers from terrible writing and even worse acting. It's no surprise that no one in this film went on to bigger and better things. But it is amazingly fun to see the actors stumble through this mess. Oddly enough, the director still believes this is a masterpiece. Here's a clip, faithful readers, so you can decide for yourself:
Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:
Birdemic Sound editing is one of those things we take for granted in film. We assume that we're going to be able to hear the actors, we assume the soundtrack will enhance the mood instead of detracting from it, and we assume the sound effects will fit what is going on. The horrible editing in Birdemic sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm pretty sure they placed the microphones on the actors' shoes in some scenes. And yes, the acting is as terrible as the special effects. But I couldn't stop laughing at how awful this movie really is, and I've gone out of my way to show friends and family just how bad this movie is. Somewhere, Alfred Hitchcock is rolling in his grave.
Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:
Maximum Overdrive
Now, to be fair, Maximum Overdrive scared me as a kid. But once I grew up I realized how ridiculous the idea of trucks, arcade games, bridges and soda machines rising up against us is. The acting is alright, the special effects are decent, but it's the concept that is flawed, and it's the concept that makes this movie a campy classic. Try not to laugh when the electric turkey carver attacks a woman. She yells and screams like Freddy Krueger himself is coming after her, yet all she has to do is take two steps backwards and she'll be fine. Plus, Emilio Estevez is a great coach and even a pretty good outlaw, but he's not a a tough guy and this movie kind of proves that.
They Live
I stumbled across They Live on accident late one night. I tried to my best to figure out what this movie was trying to be. I finally decided that it's trying to be a horror movie, but you shouldn't hire a professional wrestler as your leading man if you're trying to scare people - unless you're trying to frighten them with horrible line reading. If you're going to have "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in your movie, you should just stick to extended, obviously staged fight scenes. . . oh wait, they did that, too. Believe it or not, They Live was written and directed by John Carpenter,
who has proved himself as a horror writer, but this movie proves that
your choice of actors can have a negative (but hilarious) effect on an
already weak storyline. I think that's why they gave Mr. Piper so few lines.
Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:
Plan 9 From Outer Space
If Ed Wood's art is making bad movies, Plan 9 from Outer Space is his Sistine Chapel. This movie is so terrible it's sublime. The writing, the acting, the special effects, the editing - everything in this movie misses the mark. It would be hard to intentionally make a film this entertainingly bad. Also, there have been a number of directors who have had an actor die during the filming of a movie, but not many directors have chosen to add in random footage of a recently deceased actor into a movie they weren't in before. And since Ed Wood only had a few shots of the late Bela Lugosi, he had to fill in the rest with his wife's chiropractor, even though he doesn't look anything like Lugosi. That's ok, though, he covers his face for all of his scenes. If you haven't seen this movie yet, you're doing yourself a disservice. Rent it. Watch it. Cringe and enjoy.
Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:
So there you go. Six completely awful horror movies that I still recommend seeing.
I've been wanting to do this post for a while now, and I've discussed this theory with my friends and anyone who would listen for years now. My theory is that the number "3" is bad for movies - that the number three is cursed.
"What do you mean?" you may ask, and thank you for asking. Well, I personally believe that if a movie has the number "3" in the title, and it's the third installment of a film franchise, then it's going to be a bad movie. Sequels are usually bad enough (I'm looking at you, Teen Wolf, Too), but it seems by the time the writers and actors get to the third film, they've run out of creative ideas, hence they put a "3" or "III" in the title because they can't think of anything better. This does NOT apply to such films as Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, The Bourne Supremacy or Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, because they do not have the number three in the title. It also does not apply to films like Three Amigos or 3:10 to Yuma, which DO have the number three in the title, but it's not the third movie. I'm talking about films like these ones:
Back to the Future: Part III
Back to the Future? Classic! Back to the Future: Part II? Hoverboards! Back to the Future III? A sappy romance between Doc Brown and Clara Clayton. By the time we got to this sequel the reoccurring jokes are getting old (how many times can Marty run into a relative of Biff Tannen??) and you can tell the filmmakers just wanted to get it over with, that's why they put "The End" in the closing credits instead of "To Be Continued..." Now, I know that the second installment of this franchise can't stand on it's own, since it leaves us with a cliffhanger, but you can't deny that Back to the Future III is inferior to its predecessors.
Rocky III
The first Rocky film is an academy-award winning drama. Rocky II was a well-thought out follow-up to that story with a satisfying ending. In Rocky III, we get a hyped-up, pseudo-dramatic story with no real substance. Yes, we get the timeless work-out song "Eye of the Tiger" from this film, yes we do (SPOILER ALERT) get the drama of Mickey dying (END OF SPOILER), but that doesn't make up for the shameless cameos by Hulk Hogan and Mr. T, nor does it make up for the tube socks, nor does it make up for Apollo and Rocky as they sweatily run in slow-motion along the beach for an hour. This, in my opinion, is the weakest film of the Rocky franchise (not including Rocky V, because no one really counts Rocky V as an actual "Rocky" movie). Thank heavens the next Rocky movie was so cool.
Jaws 3-D
Do I really need to spell this one out for you? The first Jaws movie is one of the best horror films ever made. I also believe that every single sequel should have changed its name because they don't deserve to have the name of Jaws. However, at least the second one still had Roy Scheider in it, and at least it still dealt with Amity island and somewhat related to the first movie. By the time we got to number III, we've moved to an amusement park in Florida. I think the writers knew that this one was going to be a stinker, so they made it 3-D to seem cooler than it actually was. They'd obviously run out of other ideas.
The first Terminator movie was a spectacular horror film. Terminator 2 was an awesome action film. The only thing that Terminator 3 had going for it was a hot female lead (no, I'm not talking about Claire Danes, I'm never talking about Claire Danes). This movie was so bad that the new Terminator movie completely ignored that the third one had ever been made. They even named it Terminator Salvation because it was trying to save the franchise from the damage done by T3.
Spider-Man 3
I still don't know how it's possible to make a movie with Venom as the villain and have it be horrible. In fact, the whole Peter Parker vs. Eddie Brock storyline in this film was actually watchable. But when I saw "Dark Peter" emerge and quickly turn this superhero movie into a musical, I knew the filmmakers were out of ideas. Bad move, Spider-Man franchise, bad move. Superheroes should NOT sing and dance. . .ever.
Superman III
The Superman films, though cheesy, were a delight to watch. The first one introduced us to Christopher Reeve as the Man of Steel. Superman II gave us General Zod and the Phantom Zone (plus, it made me scared to death of Niagara Falls, as a kid). In Superman III I guess they felt that they needed some comic relief to balance out Kal-El's seriousness (what? Jimmy Olsen wasn't enough?) so they brought in Richard Pryor, who. . .didn't do much in this film. Yes, this film gave us synthetic kryptonite and the cool fight between Clark Kent and Superman. Yes, this film also gave us a terrifying robot lady (she still scares me to this day). However, when the bad guy in your film is using a weather satellite to CONTROL the weather, you know it's time to hang up the tights.
Shrek the Third
Yes, this "3" title counts. I wasn't too impressed with the first Shrek movie, but at least it was original. Shrek 2, I feel, was funnier and more clever and I would even consider owning that member of the franchise. But I fell asleep mid-way through this third one, so it can't be that good.
Scream 3
The first Scream film was a clever satire on the horror film industry. The second one, though not as good, was mocking horror sequels in general. By the time they got to the third movie, however, the franchise had become the very kind of film they'd been making fun of. You can also tell that the actors who reappeared in this film didn't really want to be there, even the dead ones.
The Godfather: Part III
Everyone knows that The Godfather is one of the most critically acclaimed films of all time. The Godfather II is sometimes said to be better than the original. In fact, this is one of the FEW times when you CAN actually argue that a sequel is better than first movie. But you may also notice that no one seems to include The Godfather III in this argument. This red-headed stepchild of the Corleone family failed at the box office and failed to win over critics. Many people have their theories as to why this film didn't work, but me? I blame Sofia Coppolla.
Home Alone 3
The first two movies are practically the same movie, and we, as an audience, were okay with that. We accepted the fact that Macaulay Culkin could outsmart Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern both in Chicago AND in New York. But anotherkid that is wise in the ways of booby traps? Psssh! Surely you jest. Here's another angle to ponder: in the first movie the villains were simple house burglars, in the second movie, the same burglars were out for revenge, in the third movie it's a matter of national security when a group of thieves steal a "valuable missile cloaking computer chip for a North Korean terrorist group." Baby steps, filmmakers. Baby steps.
Alien 3
I guess this one should be called "Alien Cubed," technically, since the three is small in the title. Alien = horrifying. I mean, who can forget that iconic popping-out-of-the-chest scene. Aliens is equally as scary, especially since they throw a little kid into the mix. And while Alien Cubed made a pretty cool Sega Genesis Game, it did not work as a movie. I will always be scared of those face-huggers, but I am even more terrified of the crappy writing of this horrible movie.
Rush Hour 3
The "gimmick" of this movie got old in the second Rush Hour installment. This one was just overkill.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
Ok, none of these TMNT films are award-winning, but, as a kid, they were pretty fun to watch. It was cool to see our heroes in live-action. The second movie even gave us Vanilla Ice doing the Ninja Rap and you know you can't resist dancing along with that catchy tune. But while we were able to suspend our disbelief that these turtles (and the rat) mutated into crime-fighters, the concept of them traveling through time in the third movie was a bit much, even for me.
Jurassic Park III
I actually had a friend remind me of this one since I had, apparently, blocked it from memory. The first film of this franchise changed CGI as we know it. Those dinosaurs still look good, even today. The second film wasn't that good, but at least it brought the dinosaurs to a new setting. In Jurassic Park III, however (even though it includes parts from the first Jurassic Park book), features a terrible story. I mean, we're supposed to believe that a spunky little kid survived on his own on an island full of killer dinosaurs? And, I'm sorry, but I will NEVER forgive them for showing us a talking raptor, even if it was only a dream.
"But, The Former 786," you may say, "There are good '3' movies out there like Mission: Impossible III!" Well, I do acknowledge that there are some (but very few) exceptions to this theory. This also explains why sometimes a sequel doesn't have to say "3" and it will still stink (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, anyone?? BLAH!). That is why this is only a theory - a word of caution, if you will.
So now, faithful readers, you may know that when the movie makers put a "3" in the title of the movie sequel you're going to see, you can, at least, have lowered expectations and may not be as disappointed.
Instead, I present to you some light reading. "WHAT??" you may exclaim, "How DARE you make me read on the internet! I get on the web to see funny videos and interesting pictures!!" Well, hostile reader, I'm sure you'll find this post both funny AND amusing. . .or maybe just painful. We'll see.
First, the backstory: My co-worker found a posting on Craigslist a while back for someone offering to pay someone else to edit their novel. When my co-worker responded to the posting, the author sent him a couple pages of her novel to "test" his editing skills and see if he was worthy to edit her work.
The pages she sent are below (without any hyperlinks to distract you from the writing) unaltered and unedited. And no, this is not from Stephenie Meyer's new book.
WARNING: THERE IS SOME SAUCINESS AND RIBALDRY CONTAINED IN THIS STORY!
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Chapter One- Without Him
The sun gleaming through the white puffy clouds on this sun-kist day, a small town bustling with everyday chores and activities, one man looks down upon them from his mansion on a hill. Barely finished, he spent months renovating with help from the townspeople. Married three years, he awaited for his beloved’s return. Months had gone by without seeing her beautiful face. She abruptly gone, by the news of an old friend’s death, he staying behind to work, and secretly re-build their home. He could not wait to see her face, when she saw what he had done for her.
In the distance, tired and whiney from a long journey, the dirt and rocks fly up underneath the carriage. Excited to finally be home, and see Timothy. The carriage move vastly along the dirt road carrying her home, which seemed to take years, finally pulling up onto the house. Her eyes gleamed as they approached. The mansion stood tall, and strong, with a fresh coat of white paints scent filling the air that surrounded the mansion. Two stories with a beautiful wraparound porch, lush green grass and several trees shaded the large house. A beautiful large window looking over her small town of BlackMountain, she felt like a princess pulling up to her castle, when the carriage finally stopped. Timothy was nowhere to be seen. A dogs bark came closer, as she stepped out of the carriage. The most beautiful woman, long flowing hair, black as coal a slender body, wrapped with silk, and lace. A fancy designer dress shipped all the way from Paris, a wedding present. She looked around, when her old dog Brutiz the hound, surprised her from behind licking her hand. She was overjoyed to finally be home. She kneeled down to give her old dog a big hug, and a few strokes on his back Peering through the window, he noticed movement outside. He hurried to the door and swung it open.
“Isabelle”, he shouted out.
She looked up and saw him standing before her.
“Timothy”, she vaulted into his grasp
Once more they were in each other’s arms, never to be apart again. Tears falling from her eyes, she was overjoyed to be home, and would not let him go.
“What do you think?” Timothy asked her showcasing the freshly painted house.
"Oh it’s so beautiful."
“Let me show you inside.”
He held her hand and led her into the house. She nearly stumbled to her knees at the sight of it. The long windy staircase, completely torn out and rebuilt with fresh cut wood. The same beautiful stone fireplace, and the extravagant large window, was filled with gorgeous new glass their large telescope peering out. Brand new beautiful furniture, of which only wealth could afford, filled the house. The windows open, and a cool breeze flowing in.
“It is so beautiful Timothy”, she spoke gently a little overwhelmed by its beauty, and his wonderful craftsmanship.
“I love it!”
He said nothing. He grabbed her hardly, and kissed her with passion and lust.
“Its beauty does not compare to the sight that stands before me now”, he replied kissing her again.
The men outside finally pulled the last piece of Isabelle’s luggage from atop the carriage to the ground. They anxious to settle in town, rent a room, and go to the saloon, where they would fall down drunk by the end of the night. They wait patiently, for Timothy to return outside, and pay for their service, as Isabelle promised he would.
Unpacked, dinner over, now relaxing in front of the ferocious roasting fireplace, they both lay down, with only a fur rug, laying between them and the hardwood floor. Nestling cozy next to each other both happy to be together, night had come. Timothy sat up, feeling a bit hot from the heat, standing to his feet. Needing fresh air, he head outside, to cool down. Isabelle followed straight behind him.
“Timothy, are you alright?” she asked concerned.
“Fine, fine....just got a little hot”, Timothy swayed feeling a little dizzy.
“Sit down”.
Isabelle sat on the porch steps next to him.
Minutes went by, when he started feeling better. The cool night air cooled him right down. The town was so beautiful lit up, at night. Candles flickered in the wind. The windy dirt road leading to town, many wagons traveling, the bustle of town, was at its peak. The voices carried through the sky. Timothy and Isabelle could hear them faintly. Her hand wrapped in his.
Troll 2
Birdemic
Maximum Overdrive
Darkness Falls
They Live 
Plan 9 From Outer Space
