Horror Movies So Bad, They're Good

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the worst movies in the world are comedies. It's hard to laugh at someone who thinks they're being funny and failing. On the other hand, a bad horror movie makes an excellent comedy. If a scary movie fails to be scary, it can still be hilarious. So here is a list of horror movies so bad, they're good. Now, faithful readers, this list doesn't include many of the horrible movies featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000, such as Werewolf, Pod People and Manos: The Hands of Fate. These are movies that are enjoyable without aids such as MST3K. I like Manos just as much as the next guy, but without the aid of Joel and the Bots, it's almost unbearable. So, without further ado, here is a list of some awful...ly good horror films.

Troll 2
No list of bad movies would be complete without this stinker. Troll 2 not only has nothing to do with the original Troll movie, but it also doesn't have any trolls in it. This one actually has some decent special effects -- I'm referring to the two tree transformations in the film here -- but it suffers from terrible writing and even worse acting. It's no surprise that no one in this film went on to bigger and better things. But it is amazingly fun to see the actors stumble through this mess. Oddly enough, the director still believes this is a masterpiece. Here's a clip, faithful readers, so you can decide for yourself:

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Birdemic
Sound editing is one of those things we take for granted in film. We assume that we're going to be able to hear the actors, we assume the soundtrack will enhance the mood instead of detracting from it, and we assume the sound effects will fit what is going on. The horrible editing in Birdemic sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm pretty sure they placed the microphones on the actors' shoes in some scenes.  And yes, the acting is as terrible as the special effects. But I couldn't stop laughing at how awful this movie really is, and I've gone out of my way to show friends and family just how bad this movie is. Somewhere, Alfred Hitchcock is rolling in his grave.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Maximum Overdrive
Now, to be fair, Maximum Overdrive scared me as a kid. But once I grew up I realized how ridiculous the idea of trucks, arcade games, bridges and soda machines rising up against us is. The acting is alright, the special effects are decent, but it's the concept that is flawed, and it's the concept that makes this movie a campy classic. Try not to laugh when the electric turkey carver attacks a woman. She yells and screams like Freddy Krueger himself is coming after her, yet all she has to do is take two steps backwards and she'll be fine. Plus, Emilio Estevez is a great coach and even a pretty good outlaw, but he's not a a tough guy and this movie kind of proves that.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Darkness Falls
Of all the movies on this list, Darkness Falls probably has the best production quality and the opening sequence is actually quite terrifying. But the reason this movie makes the list is because of how far it fell after that. It hits on almost every movie cliché in the book (Note: It's actually based on a sub-par short film, not a book) and it quickly delves into the completely ridiculous. My brothers and I had a great time ripping this one apart and by the time it got to the end my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. To this day, the phrase "Stay in the light!" always gets a chuckle in my house. Also, please keep in mind, this movie is about the Tooth Fairy. . .as a killer. . .

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



They Live
I stumbled across They Live on accident late one night. I tried to my best to figure out what this movie was trying to be. I finally decided that it's trying to be a horror movie, but you shouldn't hire a professional wrestler as your leading man if you're trying to scare people - unless you're trying to frighten them with horrible line reading. If you're going to have "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in your movie, you should just stick to extended, obviously staged fight scenes. . . oh wait, they did that, too. Believe it or not, They Live was written and directed by John Carpenter, who has proved himself as a horror writer, but this movie proves that your choice of actors can have a negative (but hilarious) effect on an already weak storyline. I think that's why they gave Mr. Piper so few lines.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Plan 9 From Outer Space
If Ed Wood's art is making bad movies, Plan 9 from Outer Space is his Sistine Chapel. This movie is so terrible it's sublime. The writing, the acting, the special effects, the editing - everything in this movie misses the mark. It would be hard to intentionally make a film this entertainingly bad. Also, there have been a number of directors who have had an actor die during the filming of a movie, but not many directors have chosen to add in random footage of a recently deceased actor into a movie they weren't in before. And since Ed Wood only had a few shots of the late Bela Lugosi, he had to fill in the rest with his wife's chiropractor, even though he doesn't look anything like Lugosi. That's ok, though, he covers his face for all of his scenes. If you haven't seen this movie yet, you're doing yourself a disservice. Rent it. Watch it. Cringe and enjoy.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



So there you go. Six completely awful horror movies that I still recommend seeing.

Happy Halloween, faithful readers!

Six Sequels Unrelated to the Original Films

We all can agree that sequels aren't that good. In fact, there are only a handful of circumstances where a sequel is considered as good as the original and even less examples of when a sequel could possibly be considered better than the original. Sequels are generally made because the original film made a bunch of money and the studio wants to see if they can make a little more - and movies solely created for the sake of making money are never that good.

Sequels generally consist of rehashed references, second-tier characters and a similar plot to the original. But what about those films that completely disregard these sequel guidelines? What about the sequels that have nothing to do with the original? They deserve a special sort of shout-out because they don't even seem like they're trying at times. Whether it's because they couldn't get the original actors, the characters all died in the first film or the producers just felt the audience needed a change of pace, the following six films all threw the original idea out the window and started with something fresh. . .ish. 

Halloween 3

Original: The original Halloween is one of the forefathers of the modern slasher movie. It tells the story of a very large and disturbed individual named Michael Myers who stalks and kills a variety of individuals while wearing a William Shatner mask.The second Halloween movie actually begins right where the first one ended -- which is a pretty bold and impressive route for a sequel to take -- and tells us a little more about Michael and his murderous rage.

This Sequel: Halloween III is probably the most notorious sequel because it has nothing to do with the original. No Michael Myers, no Jaime Lee Curtis, no Dr. Loomis - just a crazy scientist making non-Shatner masks that can kill (but you have to be watching TV while wearing the mask in order for it to work). There is actually a moment when the original movie plays on a television in a bar, but that's about the only connection between the first two movies and this "sequel."


Open Water 2

Original: The original Open Water is about a husband and wife trapped in the middle of the ocean all alone, fending off sharks. It is loosely based on the real-life story of Tom and Eileen Lonergan, who disappeared from a Scuba diving group in 1998. Some people hated this movie, others were absolutely terrified by the bleak realism.

This Sequel:  None of the characters from the first movie were featured in Open Water 2 (for obvious reasons) and instead of being stranded alone in the middle of the ocean, this movie was about a group of six friends unable to get back on their yacht. In reality, there's a reason why this movie is so unrelated to the first movie - it was written beforehand. The screenplay was an adaptation of a short story named "Adrift," and it was written before Open Water ever hit the theaters. However, after the success of the first movie, producers thought it would be best to capitalize on the success of the original.


Home Alone 3

Original: Home Alone and Home Alone 2 are about Kevin McCallister being abandoned by his family and defending himself against the Wet/Sticky bandits. Many people criticized the second movie for being almost a shot-for-shot remake of the first, but the first movie was a huge success, so who can blame the studio for wanting to keep a formula that works?

This Sequel: However, when Macaulay Culkin refused to do a third movie, the producers decided to go a different direction - cloning. It wasn't the McCallister's house, but it kind of looked like the McCallister's house. They hired a red-headed woman who kind of looked like Catherine O' Hara to play Kevin's. . .I mean Alex's mom. And instead of having a pair of robbers trying to break into the house, they had a quartet of terrorists trying to get back their missile-cloaking microchip for the North Koreans. Ok, so that last one isn't cloning, it's more like a horrible mutation.



The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift  

Original: The Fast and the Furious is Point Break for the car racing world. Paul Walker plays an undercover cop trying to infiltrate a group of hijackers. In 2 Fast 2 Furious (see what they did there? Clever!) Paul Walker plays an ex-cop who goes undercover for the FBI to help bring down another crime ring. These movies were pretty much an excuse to show hot cars driving around with pretty lights, but that appeals to some people.

This Sequel: The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift is about a regular guy (who isn't a cop or on a mission for the FBI) learning how to drift in Japan. Yes, there is a very brief cameo by Vin Diesel to try and connect this one to the others, but that is about as effective as the guy in the bar watching a clip of the original Halloween in Halloween 3. I guess when you can't get Paul Walker, you just do something completely different.



White Noise 2

Original: White Noise is about a man trying to find his wife in the midst of electronic voice phenomena, or EVP. The previews for this movie were actually scarier than the actual movie, but Michael Keaton gave a good performance and there were a few creepy moments that made it worth watching.


This Sequel: Not even Nathan Fillion himself could save White Noise 2. This "sequel" presented the idea that a person could become a white noise receiver themselves, and then completely threw that idea out the window and focused on demonic possession instead. Tria Mera, as they called it, asked the question, "If Christ resurrected on the third day, what did the devil do?" which is an interesting question, until you realize it doesn't make sense.




Troll 2


Original: Believe it or not, there are two characters named Harry Potter in this 1986 horror film (JK was a big fan, I guess). It tells the story of a troll king who possesses a little girl and wreaks havoc on a San Francisco apartment complex. Troll was actually a straightforward horror film and did pretty well at the box office.

This Sequel: One of the most interesting things about Troll 2 is that there are no trolls in the movie. None. The movie is all about a group of vegetarian goblins who live in an isolated town and attract new prey through house swapping. The film was directed by Drake Floyd (aka Claudio Fragasso) who felt they could piggyback on the success of the first movie by using the name, even though there was absolutely no association between the two films. This is probably the most unrelated sequel out there today and it's possibly one of the worst films of all time.



So now it's time, faithful readers, for you to decide which is worse: to create a sequel that uses the same characters, the same jokes and a similar plot line or to make a sequel that is completely off the beaten path of the original.

Pick your poison!