Horror Movies So Bad, They're Good

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the worst movies in the world are comedies. It's hard to laugh at someone who thinks they're being funny and failing. On the other hand, a bad horror movie makes an excellent comedy. If a scary movie fails to be scary, it can still be hilarious. So here is a list of horror movies so bad, they're good. Now, faithful readers, this list doesn't include many of the horrible movies featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000, such as Werewolf, Pod People and Manos: The Hands of Fate. These are movies that are enjoyable without aids such as MST3K. I like Manos just as much as the next guy, but without the aid of Joel and the Bots, it's almost unbearable. So, without further ado, here is a list of some awful...ly good horror films.

Troll 2
No list of bad movies would be complete without this stinker. Troll 2 not only has nothing to do with the original Troll movie, but it also doesn't have any trolls in it. This one actually has some decent special effects -- I'm referring to the two tree transformations in the film here -- but it suffers from terrible writing and even worse acting. It's no surprise that no one in this film went on to bigger and better things. But it is amazingly fun to see the actors stumble through this mess. Oddly enough, the director still believes this is a masterpiece. Here's a clip, faithful readers, so you can decide for yourself:

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Birdemic
Sound editing is one of those things we take for granted in film. We assume that we're going to be able to hear the actors, we assume the soundtrack will enhance the mood instead of detracting from it, and we assume the sound effects will fit what is going on. The horrible editing in Birdemic sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm pretty sure they placed the microphones on the actors' shoes in some scenes.  And yes, the acting is as terrible as the special effects. But I couldn't stop laughing at how awful this movie really is, and I've gone out of my way to show friends and family just how bad this movie is. Somewhere, Alfred Hitchcock is rolling in his grave.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Maximum Overdrive
Now, to be fair, Maximum Overdrive scared me as a kid. But once I grew up I realized how ridiculous the idea of trucks, arcade games, bridges and soda machines rising up against us is. The acting is alright, the special effects are decent, but it's the concept that is flawed, and it's the concept that makes this movie a campy classic. Try not to laugh when the electric turkey carver attacks a woman. She yells and screams like Freddy Krueger himself is coming after her, yet all she has to do is take two steps backwards and she'll be fine. Plus, Emilio Estevez is a great coach and even a pretty good outlaw, but he's not a a tough guy and this movie kind of proves that.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Darkness Falls
Of all the movies on this list, Darkness Falls probably has the best production quality and the opening sequence is actually quite terrifying. But the reason this movie makes the list is because of how far it fell after that. It hits on almost every movie cliché in the book (Note: It's actually based on a sub-par short film, not a book) and it quickly delves into the completely ridiculous. My brothers and I had a great time ripping this one apart and by the time it got to the end my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. To this day, the phrase "Stay in the light!" always gets a chuckle in my house. Also, please keep in mind, this movie is about the Tooth Fairy. . .as a killer. . .

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



They Live
I stumbled across They Live on accident late one night. I tried to my best to figure out what this movie was trying to be. I finally decided that it's trying to be a horror movie, but you shouldn't hire a professional wrestler as your leading man if you're trying to scare people - unless you're trying to frighten them with horrible line reading. If you're going to have "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in your movie, you should just stick to extended, obviously staged fight scenes. . . oh wait, they did that, too. Believe it or not, They Live was written and directed by John Carpenter, who has proved himself as a horror writer, but this movie proves that your choice of actors can have a negative (but hilarious) effect on an already weak storyline. I think that's why they gave Mr. Piper so few lines.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Plan 9 From Outer Space
If Ed Wood's art is making bad movies, Plan 9 from Outer Space is his Sistine Chapel. This movie is so terrible it's sublime. The writing, the acting, the special effects, the editing - everything in this movie misses the mark. It would be hard to intentionally make a film this entertainingly bad. Also, there have been a number of directors who have had an actor die during the filming of a movie, but not many directors have chosen to add in random footage of a recently deceased actor into a movie they weren't in before. And since Ed Wood only had a few shots of the late Bela Lugosi, he had to fill in the rest with his wife's chiropractor, even though he doesn't look anything like Lugosi. That's ok, though, he covers his face for all of his scenes. If you haven't seen this movie yet, you're doing yourself a disservice. Rent it. Watch it. Cringe and enjoy.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



So there you go. Six completely awful horror movies that I still recommend seeing.

Happy Halloween, faithful readers!

Best Horror Movie Theme Songs

I'm a sucker for a soundtrack. The moment in Homeward Bound when ****spoiler alert**** Shadow finally comes over that hill ****end of spoiler**** probably wouldn't make me sob like a little child if it wasn't for the emotional soundtrack. Without a soundtrack, the training montages in Rocky would be less inspiring and more like an awkward series of grunts and yells. And without a soundtrack, horror movies would be about as frightening as one of the Twilight movies.

I kid. The Twilight series actually features pretty horrific acting. But while we've discussed horror movies before on Slice of Fried Gold, we've never really discussed horror movie music. . .UNTIL NOW!

Below are the theme songs that bring creepy images to mind, the ones that have become iconic and taken on a life of their own, the ones that, if they suddenly started playing while you were walking down a dark alley, might make you wet yourself. I have excluded some famous horror movie themes, such as:

• Friday the 13th, which features an awesome and iconic sound effect, but the theme song is actually pretty awful.
• Poltergeist, which is a freaky movie, but do you even remember how the theme song goes? Neither do I. 
• "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor." This is a frightfully good song, but it's been used in so many different movies and TV shows that it's hard to associate it with just one.

 Nevertheless, here is my totally subjective list of the top ten best horror movie theme songs:



10. M ("In the Hall of the Mountain King") -  Edvard Grieg 

"In the Hall of the Mountain King" actually comes from Peer Gynt, which is a Norwegian play from the late 1800s. In the play, this song plays as the main character enters a realm of trolls and goblins. However, in the movie M, it is whistled by the main character whenever he is about to abduct and kill a child. It's actually one of the first times in film that a theme song has been associated with a character. This use of "leitmotif" (which is German for "milk mustache") would become a staple for future horror movies and it helped bring "In the Hall of the Mountain King" into the horror movie musical canon.



9. The Omen ("Ave Satani") - Jerry Goldsmith

I'll admit right now that I'm not a big fan of this movie, but the song is undeniably creepy. Gregorian chants always give me the shivers, but this one has a dark, sinister tone that crescendos into chaos. And then, when you realize that the Latin chants actually mean "Hail Satan," "Hail Anti-Christ" and "Elevate the body of Satan," that just makes the song even creepier. I wouldn't recommend playing this one at a Halloween party where children are present -- they may begin to convince other guests to jump off of the roof.



8. The Shining - Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind

As I was compiling this list of the best horror movie theme songs, I couldn't remember the music from The Shining. However, once I pulled up this song, it brought back a flood of creepy memories. This theme song was an adaptation of a song by Hector Berloiz, which was an adaptation of a 13th century hymn called "Dies Irae," which is Latin for "Yes, Latin is always creepy when its sung." This song has a great spooky-electric-organ feel and it is a great tune to play at a haunted house.



7. The Fog - John Carpenter

Not only was this film directed and co-written by John Carpenter, but he also composed the music. This theme song appropriately starts with a foghorn and then uses a fairly repetitive, yet effective, piano melody. It also has a familiar ticking percussion noise in the background, which worked quite well in another famous John Carpenter tune. Once again, this is a great theme song to play at a Halloween party because it is able to create a mood while staying in the background.



6. Signs - James Newton Howard

"But, The Former 786," you faithful readers are saying, "this song is WAY too new to be on a list of the best horror movie theme songs of all time!" Yes, it's a recent movie, but I was floored the first time I heard this music and it was shortly thereafter put on my Halloween playlist. It has a sharp, aggressive feel to it, reminiscent of the great scores from Hitchcock films. Whether you like Signs or not (illegal aliens are always a polarizing topic), this theme song deserves an objective listen.



5. Nightmare on Elm Street - Charles Bernstein

While many people only remember the infamous "1, 2, Freddy's coming for you. . ." rhyme sung by children in the film, the theme song of A Nightmare on Elm Street brings a certain, creepy feel to any room - especially a boiler room. This synthesized number has a new-age feel and features a strange, echoing drum, a ghostly voice and a high-pitched melody almost as piercing as Freddy's claws. You could almost fall asleep to this song, although I wouldn't recommend it.



4. The Exorcist ("Tubular Bells") - Mike Oldfield

Once more, I am not a fan of this movie, but this once innocuous tune has taken on a life of its own in the horror movie world. The theme for The Exorcist is actually only a small part of the whole "Tubular Bells" experience. "Tubular Bells, Part 1" actually runs 25 minutes and 58 seconds, and "Tubular Bells, Part 2" goes another 23:20. Apparently Warner Bros. wanted a "softer" score for this film, because they felt harsh music along with the harsh imagery on the screen would be too much for audiences.



3. Psycho ("The Murder") -  Bernard Herrmann

Speaking of harsh music, it doesn't get much more assaulting than this piece by Bernard Herrmann. Ok, technically, this isn't the "theme song" of Psycho, but it is, by far, the most recognizable music from the movie. Hitchcock himself said that much of the success of the film was due to Herrmann's work. The entire film score of Psycho could qualify for this list, but the screeching violins of "The Murder" are synonymous with psychotic behavior and showers. In fact, I can guarantee that almost every time someone is making a downward stabbing gesture with their arm, this music will be coming out of their mouth.



2. Jaws - John Williams 

Much like the whistling of "In the Hall of the Mountain King" in M, whenever you begin to hear the alternating two-note pattern of the tuba, you know the shark is near. The slow, plotting tempo at the beginning quickens and builds into a complete fear frenzy. Perhaps this film is the reason I have an irrational fear of tuba players. Regardless, this film score launched John Williams into well-deserved stardom and it will forever be associated with sharks, shark attacks and anything lurking under the water.



1. Halloween - John Carpenter

This musical theme is not complicated or sophisticated, but, then again, neither is stabbing someone with a butcher knife. The Halloween theme features a simple haunting piano melody backed by sharp and quick percussion. This creepy theme song perfectly complements Michael Myers stalking, lurking and murdering actions. It's just John Carpenter and a keyboard, but it works. This is the kind of music I would not want to hear when walking down a dark alley. This is the kind of music that is perfect for any haunted house or Halloween party. Yes, in my totally subjective opinion, I feel that this is the best horror movie theme song.

Six Horror Movie Cliches that Need to Go

Horror movies may be creepy and kooky, but they're becoming less mysterious and spooky. These days, you can pretty much tell exactly where the plot is going and what is going to happen when.

Just this past week I was watching a scary movie with my wife (who doesn't do well with horror films) and as a character explored his dark house, the soundtrack suddenly went silent - I told my wife to close her eyes and, sure enough, a ghost popped out. My wife was still startled by the noise of it all, but at least she won't be dreaming about that ghost woman's face and she won't wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me how she blames me for her nightmare.

The point of that story isn't to say that I am a horror movie genius (even though I am, of course), but rather that modern horror movies are too predictable. Certain aspects of the horror genre have become a staple for uncreative writers and directors to try and build suspense or help move the plot forward.

Certain cliches don't bother me that much. For example, I don't mind that girls are unrealistically attractive in scary films (love you, dear!) and I don't care if we all know that the person they're trying to make us think is the killer isn't really the killer (they can still surprise us with who it actually is), but certain movie cliches just need to go. The following list includes six current horror movie standards that are completely annoying. These cliched moments/plot points/gimmicks pull the viewer out of the movie and into the realm of skeptical disbelief.

Here they are, in some particular order:

1. The Creepy Insightful Kid
When I say "creepy kid," I am not referring to Samara from The Ring or Gage from Pet Sematary. I'm referring to the weird, pale child who seems to have some knowledge as to what is going on - even if there is no logical reason they should know what is going on. While all the adult characters are freaking out, this creepy kid is level-headed, staring off into the distance and explaining exactly what is happening and what people should/shouldn't do. Now, I have kids, and I'm pretty sure if ghosts were invading my house, they would be crying and screaming and running around the house. But, then again, they act like that most of the time anyway. Yes, Hollywood, we get it, kids are creepy in horror films - but every child does not always need to be dark, brooding, disturbed and have some sort of connection to the other side. Sometimes, kids should just be kids.

2. Jump Outs Galore!!!
There is a difference between startling someone and scaring someone. It always bugs me when a trailer or promotional video for a movie shows the audience jumping in their seats while watching the film to prove how scary it is. Any idiot can startle someone, people do it on America's Funniest Home Videos all the time. Nonetheless, certain movies will constantly startle audiences over and over, but not giving them any real fright. Now, don't get me wrong, I think a jump-out moment every now and then is an excellent release to well-done built-up suspense, but movies shouldn't do it too much. Those overdone startling moments are only a step above jumping out and yelling "Boo!" at the audience. Creating an atmosphere of fear is much more memorable than making someone constantly jump in a fleeting moment of fright.

3. Torture Porn
The first Saw movie was a clever and interesting psychological thriller. After that, the series turned into the "Watch the different horrible ways we can kill people" movies. Saw wasn't the first film series to do this; after all, slasher films have been around since the 70s, but Saw was the movie that spawned dozens of copycat films - none of which have any real horror substance. Gore does not equal terror. Gore will make audiences cringe, blood may make viewers squirm in their seats, but it isn't scary. It's shock-horror. It's the same principle as the gross-out comedies - let's disturb the audience by showing them something extreme in order to get a reaction. This isn't real fear, it's a gimmicky shortcut. It's simple to get a reaction when you show someone getting sliced in half, but that reaction won't be fear, it will be disgust. Real fear comes from tension and suspense. Real terror makes you turn on your lights at night after you get home from watching the movie. I might add that some of the most terrifying deaths in film happen off screen, because sometimes your mind can create something much more horrible than what they could actually show in the film. Please, Hollywood, please stop confusing torture porn with real horror movies. Also, you might want to closely monitor the makers of these movies; they have to be seriously disturbed to come up with some of the deaths they portray on film.

4. Relationship Turmoil
In horror movies, there is always some tension in the relationship. Maybe the couple recently got in a fight, maybe they're getting a divorce, maybe they are divorced already, maybe their child died, maybe their hamster died, but there are rarely happy couples in a scary movie. It would almost be more startling to have a couple actually get along in a horror film. We'll be so thrown off by their happiness that we won't know what to expect. Yes, screenwriters, we get it, a couple that is distant at the first of the movie will draw closer together because of the horrible events in the plot and that makes for a good character arc, but it's tired, it's old and it needs to go away.

5. Leaving it Open
Filmmakers, haven't we learned anything from Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween and Friday the 13th? If you leave ANY sort of opening for a sequel in your horror film, the sequels will come and they will be horrible. Now, I know that you're trying to get in one last scare to give the audiences something to remember you by, but it's no longer effective. Horror film audiences are expecting the final scare these days. Let the movie end! Make one good horror movie and leave it at that. If you have an inkling to do another horror movie, or if the crowd is crying for more, do something crazy - try something different. Create a new story with new characters and new scares. Horror sequels are rarely, if ever, good; don't give Hollywood the opportunity to take something good and scary and repeatedly water it down and stretch it out.

6. Mirror Scares
This video, made by Rich Juzwiak, is all the explanation I need to give here:


Case closed.


Hollywood filmmakers, please take note; every one of your horror movies would be better without these tiredly overdone redundant and repetitive cliches. . . .but you can keep casting the unrealistically attractive girls. We don't mind that.