Romance is Dead. . .Just Kidding!

Russia -- what a country!

In Russia, you can hire stuntmen, make-up artists and a screenwriter to help you with your marriage proposal. These Yes Men will then tell you that faking your own death to help your girlfriend understand what life would be like without you is, in fact, a good idea. But, then again, they'll probably agree to anything you say because you're paying them good money.

So then (once again, faithful readers, in Russia), you can set-up a fake accident scene, complete with blood, broken glass and a smashed up car and arrange it so your girlfriend finds you lying in the middle of the wreckage.

BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!

After your Russian girlfriend is completely horrified by your condition, you can then lead her to an ambulance where you are put inside and a "paramedic" can tell her that you have, in fact, died. Sure, it may completely devastate her emotionally, but she'll be fine what she sees that sparkly rock on her hand, right?

And then, after all that, after all of these horrible ideas come to fruition and you have to wrestle your girlfriend to the ground to stop her from running away, believe it or not, in Russia, the girl will excitedly say "Yes."

Don't believe me? Then watch the video below of Alexey Bykov doing this exact same scenario to Irena Kolokov:



Now, I don't speak Russian, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that she's not yelling "Oh boy! I'm glad that I am dating such a clever man like you!" as she walks away from the ambulance. But she, apparently, forgave him, and she even looked happy and playful at the end. I don't see that kind of scenario working here in America. Heck, my brother got in trouble with his wife just for proposing with a ring that was yellow gold instead of white gold. So, faithful readers, let's just let these kind of proposals stay in Russia and not import them to the United States.

Please?

If You Gotta Go, Go With A Smile

Faithful readers, do you remember the first time you went on a big roller coaster? I do. It was a moment that was seared into my little kid brain. My dad made me go on one called Colossus the Fire Dragon. I thought I could handle it, but as the coaster started up the initial hill and climbed higher and higher, I freaked out. I started pleading with my dad, asking him to tell the ride operator to stop the coaster - only to realize that my father had no power over the motorized chain pulling us along the track, nor did he have power over the steep drop after the hill, the two 65-foot High-G inversions and two helix turns. I was doomed. I thought I was going to die.

But I didn't die.

Believe it or not, roller coasters are very safe. They're designed to stay on the tracks and keep us securely in our seats. Roller coasters are not designed to kill us. . .except for this one:



Wow. What a way to go.

Cat Death vs. Dog Death in Film

Death is an odd thing to portray in film. Depending on who is getting killed, the audience's reaction could vary drastically. For example, if you're killing off a middle-aged male in an action film, you're probably not going to evoke any tears from your viewers. If this middle-aged male is wearing a uniform, visor or mask, your audience might not even blink. However, there is one type of death in a film that will almost always create some sort of reaction - animal deaths.

If you injure, maim, harm or kill a pet-like animal in a film, you will definitely get an emotional response. But during my many years of movie watching, I've noticed an odd trend regarding animal fatalities in film. Generally speaking, if a dog is killed in a movie, it is done for dramatic effect and intended to make the audience sad. On the other hand, when a cat is killed in a movie, it is usually done for comedic effect and intended to make the crowd laugh. Why is this? I don't know. But let me show you a few examples to prove my point.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind that no animals were harmed in the making of these films. . .or this post. The author of this blog loves both cats and dogs. The Former 786 also does not condone the injury or  senseless killing of pets or pet-like animals, but he may have laughed a couple times when Daffy Duck ran into a tree or Wile E. Coyote fell off of a cliff. He also may have wished for Wile E. Coyote to catch the Road Runner at times, or for Tweety Bird to actually get eaten by Sylvester the Cat, but I digress -- that's a different story for a different post.

Old Yeller
We'll start off with one of the most obvious examples of a dog's death bringing about tears. For those of you who don't know the story of Old Yeller, you probably already know what's going to happen based on the title of this post, but, just in case ***********SPOILER ALERT*********** Old Yeller gets a case of rabies and they have to put him down in the end. This is no laughing matter. ***********END OF SPOILER*********** Now, this example may be lost on you younger readers out there, but the mere mention of the name Old Yeller is still enough to make my father weep openly.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Now let's contrast that tear-jerking scene from a classic family film with a scene from this classic comedy. The Griswolds have everyone over for their family Christmas dinner and Aunt Bethany brings her cat to the party. . .wrapped up in a present. This would be distressing if it wasn't so hilarious. They let the cat out, and it proceeds to wander the house. It eventually decides to chew on some Christmas tree wires and, luckily, pulls them out of the wall socket in the process. Clark Griswold notices his Christmas tree isn't lit up anymore and so he decides to plug them back in. ZAP! As Cousin Eddie put it, "If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all." There are no tears shed for this cat, but there is some lamentation about the ruined armchair it was under when it got fried.


"But, The Former 786," you say "Christmas Vacation is a comedy, so of course this feline's demise was done for laughs." Well, that's a good point, faithful readers, but let me show you that it doesn't matter what genre of film we use, the results seem to be the same.

Turner & Hooch
There are many mismatched buddy cop movies out there, but Turner & Hooch is one of the best. Before Tom Hanks made a living making people cry, he was a famous for making audiences laugh. In this film he is an anal-retentive by-the-book cop who is forced to partner with a slobbery canine who was a witness to his owner's murder - the 80s were awesome, weren't they? Anyway ***********SPOILER ALERT*********** Hooch is shot by the bad guy at the end of this light-hearted comedy and he, sadly, dies. They try and make up for it by showing us little Hooch puppy offspring, but it's too little too late. ***********END OF SPOILER*********** It's a very sad moment in an otherwide, hilarious movie.

The Boondock Saints
Boondock Saints is not a comedy. It's a cult-classic action film about two brothers who become vigilantes. During one part of the movie the brothers and their friend, Rocco, are sitting at a table full of liquor and weapons. Rocco's girlfriend's cat is also lying on the table. You can probably see where this is going. At one point Rocco is getting very worked up and he slams his fists on the table, triggering the shotgun and creating a very unpleasant, though accidental mess involving the feline. It's done for humorous shock value, and Rocco has a fairly cathartic moment with his girlfriend when he confesses what happened to her cat.



 Now, let's take a look at two movies in roughly the same genre: I Am Legend and Drag Me to Hell. These two thrillers both involve the death of an animal, but the dog death is, once again, done to tug on your heartstrings where the cat death is meant to tickle your funny bone.

I Am Legend
This movie stars ***********SPOILER ALERT*********** Will Smith ***********END OF SPOILER*********** as a lone man in a decimated city full of CGI creatures. His only companion is a dog named Sam. Sam and he have a very close relationship, and Sam even sacrifices his own well-being by defending Will Smith against the cartoon creatures. Since Sam has been bitten by the animated reanimated, Will Smith has to put him down. It's Old Yeller all over again. If you don't cry at this moment in the film, you have no heart.

Drag Me To Hell
What would you do to get a gypsy's curse off of you? In Christine Brown's case, practically anything. Poor Christine tries a number of different ways to prevent her soul from being dragged down to hell, but nothing seems to work. Someone mentions to her that sacrificing her cat might do the trick, and she resists at first, but eventually she gives in. When she pulls the knife out of the holder and says, "Here, kitty, kitty!" the audience I was watching it with erupted in nervous laughter.




So why is this? Why is it that cat deaths don't have the same emotional effect as dog deaths in movies? I don't know. Maybe it's because we were raised on cartoons where cats were normally the bad guys. Maybe it's because dogs have been reported to stand guard by their owners after they've died, whereas cats are rumored to eat the deceased. Regardless, there seems to be an odd pattern in movies where cat deaths are done primarily for laughs and dog deaths are done for tears.

However, I guess cats get to have the last laugh -- after all, cats rule the internet.