Six Horror Movie Cliches that Need to Go

Horror movies may be creepy and kooky, but they're becoming less mysterious and spooky. These days, you can pretty much tell exactly where the plot is going and what is going to happen when.

Just this past week I was watching a scary movie with my wife (who doesn't do well with horror films) and as a character explored his dark house, the soundtrack suddenly went silent - I told my wife to close her eyes and, sure enough, a ghost popped out. My wife was still startled by the noise of it all, but at least she won't be dreaming about that ghost woman's face and she won't wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me how she blames me for her nightmare.

The point of that story isn't to say that I am a horror movie genius (even though I am, of course), but rather that modern horror movies are too predictable. Certain aspects of the horror genre have become a staple for uncreative writers and directors to try and build suspense or help move the plot forward.

Certain cliches don't bother me that much. For example, I don't mind that girls are unrealistically attractive in scary films (love you, dear!) and I don't care if we all know that the person they're trying to make us think is the killer isn't really the killer (they can still surprise us with who it actually is), but certain movie cliches just need to go. The following list includes six current horror movie standards that are completely annoying. These cliched moments/plot points/gimmicks pull the viewer out of the movie and into the realm of skeptical disbelief.

Here they are, in some particular order:

1. The Creepy Insightful Kid
When I say "creepy kid," I am not referring to Samara from The Ring or Gage from Pet Sematary. I'm referring to the weird, pale child who seems to have some knowledge as to what is going on - even if there is no logical reason they should know what is going on. While all the adult characters are freaking out, this creepy kid is level-headed, staring off into the distance and explaining exactly what is happening and what people should/shouldn't do. Now, I have kids, and I'm pretty sure if ghosts were invading my house, they would be crying and screaming and running around the house. But, then again, they act like that most of the time anyway. Yes, Hollywood, we get it, kids are creepy in horror films - but every child does not always need to be dark, brooding, disturbed and have some sort of connection to the other side. Sometimes, kids should just be kids.

2. Jump Outs Galore!!!
There is a difference between startling someone and scaring someone. It always bugs me when a trailer or promotional video for a movie shows the audience jumping in their seats while watching the film to prove how scary it is. Any idiot can startle someone, people do it on America's Funniest Home Videos all the time. Nonetheless, certain movies will constantly startle audiences over and over, but not giving them any real fright. Now, don't get me wrong, I think a jump-out moment every now and then is an excellent release to well-done built-up suspense, but movies shouldn't do it too much. Those overdone startling moments are only a step above jumping out and yelling "Boo!" at the audience. Creating an atmosphere of fear is much more memorable than making someone constantly jump in a fleeting moment of fright.

3. Torture Porn
The first Saw movie was a clever and interesting psychological thriller. After that, the series turned into the "Watch the different horrible ways we can kill people" movies. Saw wasn't the first film series to do this; after all, slasher films have been around since the 70s, but Saw was the movie that spawned dozens of copycat films - none of which have any real horror substance. Gore does not equal terror. Gore will make audiences cringe, blood may make viewers squirm in their seats, but it isn't scary. It's shock-horror. It's the same principle as the gross-out comedies - let's disturb the audience by showing them something extreme in order to get a reaction. This isn't real fear, it's a gimmicky shortcut. It's simple to get a reaction when you show someone getting sliced in half, but that reaction won't be fear, it will be disgust. Real fear comes from tension and suspense. Real terror makes you turn on your lights at night after you get home from watching the movie. I might add that some of the most terrifying deaths in film happen off screen, because sometimes your mind can create something much more horrible than what they could actually show in the film. Please, Hollywood, please stop confusing torture porn with real horror movies. Also, you might want to closely monitor the makers of these movies; they have to be seriously disturbed to come up with some of the deaths they portray on film.

4. Relationship Turmoil
In horror movies, there is always some tension in the relationship. Maybe the couple recently got in a fight, maybe they're getting a divorce, maybe they are divorced already, maybe their child died, maybe their hamster died, but there are rarely happy couples in a scary movie. It would almost be more startling to have a couple actually get along in a horror film. We'll be so thrown off by their happiness that we won't know what to expect. Yes, screenwriters, we get it, a couple that is distant at the first of the movie will draw closer together because of the horrible events in the plot and that makes for a good character arc, but it's tired, it's old and it needs to go away.

5. Leaving it Open
Filmmakers, haven't we learned anything from Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween and Friday the 13th? If you leave ANY sort of opening for a sequel in your horror film, the sequels will come and they will be horrible. Now, I know that you're trying to get in one last scare to give the audiences something to remember you by, but it's no longer effective. Horror film audiences are expecting the final scare these days. Let the movie end! Make one good horror movie and leave it at that. If you have an inkling to do another horror movie, or if the crowd is crying for more, do something crazy - try something different. Create a new story with new characters and new scares. Horror sequels are rarely, if ever, good; don't give Hollywood the opportunity to take something good and scary and repeatedly water it down and stretch it out.

6. Mirror Scares
This video, made by Rich Juzwiak, is all the explanation I need to give here:


Case closed.


Hollywood filmmakers, please take note; every one of your horror movies would be better without these tiredly overdone redundant and repetitive cliches. . . .but you can keep casting the unrealistically attractive girls. We don't mind that.

Best Horror Movie Theme Songs

I'm a sucker for a soundtrack. The moment in Homeward Bound when ****spoiler alert**** Shadow finally comes over that hill ****end of spoiler**** probably wouldn't make me sob like a little child if it wasn't for the emotional soundtrack. Without a soundtrack, the training montages in Rocky would be less inspiring and more like an awkward series of grunts and yells. And without a soundtrack, horror movies would be about as frightening as one of the Twilight movies.

I kid. The Twilight series actually features pretty horrific acting. But while we've discussed horror movies before on Slice of Fried Gold, we've never really discussed horror movie music. . .UNTIL NOW!

Below are the theme songs that bring creepy images to mind, the ones that have become iconic and taken on a life of their own, the ones that, if they suddenly started playing while you were walking down a dark alley, might make you wet yourself. I have excluded some famous horror movie themes, such as:

• Friday the 13th, which features an awesome and iconic sound effect, but the theme song is actually pretty awful.
• Poltergeist, which is a freaky movie, but do you even remember how the theme song goes? Neither do I. 
• "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor." This is a frightfully good song, but it's been used in so many different movies and TV shows that it's hard to associate it with just one.

 Nevertheless, here is my totally subjective list of the top ten best horror movie theme songs:



10. M ("In the Hall of the Mountain King") -  Edvard Grieg 

"In the Hall of the Mountain King" actually comes from Peer Gynt, which is a Norwegian play from the late 1800s. In the play, this song plays as the main character enters a realm of trolls and goblins. However, in the movie M, it is whistled by the main character whenever he is about to abduct and kill a child. It's actually one of the first times in film that a theme song has been associated with a character. This use of "leitmotif" (which is German for "milk mustache") would become a staple for future horror movies and it helped bring "In the Hall of the Mountain King" into the horror movie musical canon.



9. The Omen ("Ave Satani") - Jerry Goldsmith

I'll admit right now that I'm not a big fan of this movie, but the song is undeniably creepy. Gregorian chants always give me the shivers, but this one has a dark, sinister tone that crescendos into chaos. And then, when you realize that the Latin chants actually mean "Hail Satan," "Hail Anti-Christ" and "Elevate the body of Satan," that just makes the song even creepier. I wouldn't recommend playing this one at a Halloween party where children are present -- they may begin to convince other guests to jump off of the roof.



8. The Shining - Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind

As I was compiling this list of the best horror movie theme songs, I couldn't remember the music from The Shining. However, once I pulled up this song, it brought back a flood of creepy memories. This theme song was an adaptation of a song by Hector Berloiz, which was an adaptation of a 13th century hymn called "Dies Irae," which is Latin for "Yes, Latin is always creepy when its sung." This song has a great spooky-electric-organ feel and it is a great tune to play at a haunted house.



7. The Fog - John Carpenter

Not only was this film directed and co-written by John Carpenter, but he also composed the music. This theme song appropriately starts with a foghorn and then uses a fairly repetitive, yet effective, piano melody. It also has a familiar ticking percussion noise in the background, which worked quite well in another famous John Carpenter tune. Once again, this is a great theme song to play at a Halloween party because it is able to create a mood while staying in the background.



6. Signs - James Newton Howard

"But, The Former 786," you faithful readers are saying, "this song is WAY too new to be on a list of the best horror movie theme songs of all time!" Yes, it's a recent movie, but I was floored the first time I heard this music and it was shortly thereafter put on my Halloween playlist. It has a sharp, aggressive feel to it, reminiscent of the great scores from Hitchcock films. Whether you like Signs or not (illegal aliens are always a polarizing topic), this theme song deserves an objective listen.



5. Nightmare on Elm Street - Charles Bernstein

While many people only remember the infamous "1, 2, Freddy's coming for you. . ." rhyme sung by children in the film, the theme song of A Nightmare on Elm Street brings a certain, creepy feel to any room - especially a boiler room. This synthesized number has a new-age feel and features a strange, echoing drum, a ghostly voice and a high-pitched melody almost as piercing as Freddy's claws. You could almost fall asleep to this song, although I wouldn't recommend it.



4. The Exorcist ("Tubular Bells") - Mike Oldfield

Once more, I am not a fan of this movie, but this once innocuous tune has taken on a life of its own in the horror movie world. The theme for The Exorcist is actually only a small part of the whole "Tubular Bells" experience. "Tubular Bells, Part 1" actually runs 25 minutes and 58 seconds, and "Tubular Bells, Part 2" goes another 23:20. Apparently Warner Bros. wanted a "softer" score for this film, because they felt harsh music along with the harsh imagery on the screen would be too much for audiences.



3. Psycho ("The Murder") -  Bernard Herrmann

Speaking of harsh music, it doesn't get much more assaulting than this piece by Bernard Herrmann. Ok, technically, this isn't the "theme song" of Psycho, but it is, by far, the most recognizable music from the movie. Hitchcock himself said that much of the success of the film was due to Herrmann's work. The entire film score of Psycho could qualify for this list, but the screeching violins of "The Murder" are synonymous with psychotic behavior and showers. In fact, I can guarantee that almost every time someone is making a downward stabbing gesture with their arm, this music will be coming out of their mouth.



2. Jaws - John Williams 

Much like the whistling of "In the Hall of the Mountain King" in M, whenever you begin to hear the alternating two-note pattern of the tuba, you know the shark is near. The slow, plotting tempo at the beginning quickens and builds into a complete fear frenzy. Perhaps this film is the reason I have an irrational fear of tuba players. Regardless, this film score launched John Williams into well-deserved stardom and it will forever be associated with sharks, shark attacks and anything lurking under the water.



1. Halloween - John Carpenter

This musical theme is not complicated or sophisticated, but, then again, neither is stabbing someone with a butcher knife. The Halloween theme features a simple haunting piano melody backed by sharp and quick percussion. This creepy theme song perfectly complements Michael Myers stalking, lurking and murdering actions. It's just John Carpenter and a keyboard, but it works. This is the kind of music I would not want to hear when walking down a dark alley. This is the kind of music that is perfect for any haunted house or Halloween party. Yes, in my totally subjective opinion, I feel that this is the best horror movie theme song.

Totally Subjective Horror Film List

Believe it or not, I kind of like the horror genre of film (GASP!).

I like being scared for a couple of hours and I especially like it when I'm scared for a couple of hours after watching a film. I know a lot of people out there do not like scary movies, but for those of you who DO like horror films (aka "normal people"), I'd like to recommend just a few of my favorites so you can watch them around this Halloween season. I've tried to include a variety of horror movie types, and accommodate for various audiences, but for some reason I couldn't think of any vampire movies that I really like at the moment- oh well, the world is flooded with vampires right now anyway.

So without further ado. . .ok, one more ado.

Note: I must stress that these films are ones that I, personally, have enjoyed. I am not forcing you to like them, nor, as I have said before, do I think that any film is universally liked by all (except for Mom and Dad Save the World - but that is the ONLY exception). These are merely suggestions/personal recommendations.

Now here's the list (no, they're not in any specific order and yes, I own most of these):


The Ring (2002)

The Plot: A tape circulates that, if you watch it, will kill you in 7 days.

The Pitch: One of my favorite horror movies and on most people's "scariest" lists. It's a lot of scare with little blood and no gore - now that's impressive!

Content: It's very intense. My wife won't watch it with me a second time. :)

Best Viewed: On a television set with poor reception in your own home all by yourself.

 

Jaws (1975)

The Plot: A great white shark does what it does best.

The Pitch: It's scary because it's realistic. Sharks really do eat people sometimes. Plus, it's just a well-made movie all around.

Content: Blood, child peril, more blood, some language and still more blood.

Best Viewed: At sea. Or, if you can't get that, on a tube in a lake or pool.



 



Psycho (1960)

The Plot: A woman steals some money and ends up at the mysterious Bates Motel.

The Pitch: Alfred Hitchcock's finest film. The plot and twists have been endlessly parodied and referenced, but if you still don't know what this movie is about, you're in for a treat!

Content: Some violence, and the first flushing toilet allowed on a movie screen ever - shocking!

Best Viewed: At a motel. In the shower, if possible.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

The Plot: Aliens slowly but surely infiltrate the human race.

The Pitch: Most movies from the 70s scare me anyway, but this one is especially hard for me to watch because it stresses me out so much. And it has a really young Jeff Goldblum.

Content: Disturbing images and brief nudity (because the pod people don't grow clothes) in one scene.

Best Viewed: With a group of friends late, late at night when you're all tired and need to sleep, but can't!


 
The Sixth Sense (1999)

The Plot: A little boy sees dead people.

The Pitch: Once again, if you haven't had this movie spoiled for you already then it's an awesome watch. Even after the first watch it's still fun. It doesn't rely on jump-out moments - it uses more atmospheric terror.

Content: Child peril. Some violence. And there's that first scene with Donnie from New Kids on the Block. *shudder*

Best Viewed: With everyone wearing red.


 
The Blair Witch Project (1999)

The Plot: In October of 1994, three student filmmakers disappeared in the woods near Burkittesville, Maryland, while shooting a documentary. . .A year later their footage was found.

The Pitch: So it's not true, so what? It's still brilliant filmmaking and it holds the record as most profitable film of all time!

Content: Lots of language. Some implied violence. I recommend the TV version for those that don't like large amounts of cursing (like me).

Best Viewed: While camping as far out in the woods as you can get - on Dramamine (the camera is a bit shaky).


 

The Mothman Prophecies (2002)

The Plot: Based on true stories, a mysterious "Mothman" haunts a town West Virginia and one man tries to find out what this creature is.

The Pitch: It's based on true events! My wife actually finds the real-life story (found on the Bonus features) scarier than the movie, but I like the fact that it's highly suspenseful and not very bloody or even that violent.

Content: Some violence, brief strong language.

Best Viewed: When you don't know where you are or how you got there - and you have some Chapstick on your person.

 


 The Changeling (1980)

The Plot: This does NOT have anything to do with the recent film of the same name with Angelina Jolie. A man's family is killed in an accident and he moves into a large empty house that is, as it turns out, haunted.

The Pitch: One of the creepiest PG movies out there! There are a few images in this film that will haunt me forever. As a bonus, Angelina Jolie is not in this film.

Content: Child peril, disturbing images, mild violence.

Best Viewed: In the attic of that old mansion that you just inherited.




 

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

The Plot: Well, it's a night where there are living dead people.

The Pitch: The birth of the modern zombie! George A. Romero's low-budget film offers high-budget horrors. It still scares me.

Content: Black and white zombie violence, disturbing images and sounds, and a partially naked zombie or two.

Best Viewed: In black and white. The color version isn't that good - unless you have the Mike Nelson commentary.


 

Signs (2002)

The Plot: Crop circles appear around the world, one family tries to figure out what they mean and how to defend themselves.

The Pitch: I don't find aliens that scary, personally, but this film offers scares and laughs, and I like that combination. And, yes, this is my second M. Night Shyamalan film on this list.

Content: Mild language, disturbing images, violence against aliens.

Best Viewed: In the middle of a corn field, if you've got one.


 
An American Werewolf in London (1981)

The Plot: Two Americans find out that backpacking across Europe isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The Pitch: One of the best blends of horror and comedy. Plus, the transformation scene is AMAZING!

Content: Pretty much everything. I'd recommend the version they play on TV all the time for those that don't like graphic violence, language and nudity.

Best Viewed: At a remote pub in England.



 

Phantom of the Opera (1925)

The Plot: It's the same plot as the musical you know, only without sound and with less romance.

The Pitch: One of the most faithful adaptations of the book, I feel. Lon Chaney is unrecognizable as the Phantom. A great "starter" horror movie for children. I plan on showing this to my daughter in a year - when she's 3.

Content: Some disturbing images and violence, but TAME compared to today's movies.

Best Viewed: In any catacombs that you can find.





 
28 Days Later (2002)

The Plot: A guy wakes up in the hospital to find that London is deserted, except for a few "people" who are infected with rage.

The Pitch: It's not a zombie movie, claims director Danny Boyle, but it's as close as you're going to get. The infected are insanely fast and they don't have to bite you for you to get infected.

Content: Gore, violence, nudity and language. If you're not a fan of those, I'd recommend the edited version.

Best Viewed: In protective goggles and a mask. You don't want to get of the splatter in your mouth, nose or eyes.

 

Poltergeist (1982)

The Plot: A normal suburban family finds out the house they live in has a terrible secret.

The Pitch: Yes, I have two Steven Spielberg movies on this list, too, so sue me, but this one genuinely terrifies me. When I buy a house, I'm going to have the grounds properly inspected and I will have no trees nor clowns on the premises.

Content: Disturbing imagery, child peril, some violence.

Best Viewed: On an Indian burial ground. Trust me.




 
Identity (2003)

The Plot: A group of people all get trapped at a motel on a rainy night and discover what they all have in common as they get killed off one by one.

The Pitch: This is not a slasher movie, it's a psychological thriller. And it's got John Cusack in it, so it's got to be good. Right?

Content: Plenty of violence and language. Language and graphic violence not your thing? That's fine, they play this one on television also.

Best Viewed: At a ratty motel with a bunch of strangers.




 
The Wolfman (1941)

The Plot: A guy gets bit by a werewolf and becomes one himself. Simple? Yes, but that's ok because this set the foundation for all werewolf movies after. Hopefully the upcoming remake won't suck (because it's not a vampire movie! HA! Get it? Suck! Vampire! ZING!).

The Pitch: One of the classic horror movies from Universal Studios. Lon Chaney, Jr. does a wonderful job portraying the poor, tortured soul who transforms every full moon. I still don't get why the Wolf Man strangles people, though. I mean, he has claws. . .

Content: Stranglings (as mentioned above), and an animal attack (as mentioned above).

Best Viewed: When the wolfsbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.

 
M (1931)

The Plot: A child killer is on the loose and the police have to figure out a way to catch him.

The Pitch: A classic thriller! They were barely using sound at this point in film history and yet they came up with this clever and intense film.

Content: A child killer is on the loose, but no real violence is shown.

Best Viewed: With people that speak German (although it is subtitled).


 

Arachnophobia (1990)

The Plot: A venomous spider from South America hitchhikes north to find a companion and raise some kids, so they can TERRORIZE THE TOWN!

The Pitch: Real arachnophobes should stay away from this one, it will give the bravest bug killer the willies.

Content: Spiders biting people and people dying - it ain't pretty.

Best Viewed: While trying to resist the urge to swat at that tickle going up your leg.



 
Shaun of the Dead (2004)

The Plot: Shaun is having trouble committing to his girlfriend, until a zombie attack brings them together in this hilarious romantic comedy.

The Pitch: This is my current favorite movie and has been for some time. It's the perfect mix of horror and comedy. I call this one the "gateway horror movie" because even people who don't like horror films tend to like this one. So much fun!

Content: Zombie violence/gore, and language. I own the edited version if you ever want to borrow it.

Best Viewed: With cricket bat in hand.


 

The Grudge (2004)

The Plot: Sarah Michelle Gellar goes to Japan and works in a house that is cursed.

The Pitch: It's a complete popcorn flick. Don't take this movie seriously and you'll enjoy it. Plus, there are some creepy sounds/images that come with this movie.

Content: Disturbing deaths, creepy movements.

Best Viewed: With a large group of people who like being scared - and with popcorn.





. . .And scene!

Now, I know I've forgotten some good ones, but if I keep thinking about this the list could double again (it originally stopped at 10 movies).

Anyway, I hope that even if you don't watch any of these films on my recommendation, that they at least inspire you to watch one of your own favorite scary movies.

Happy Haunting!

Horror Movies So Bad, They're Good

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the worst movies in the world are comedies. It's hard to laugh at someone who thinks they're being funny and failing. On the other hand, a bad horror movie makes an excellent comedy. If a scary movie fails to be scary, it can still be hilarious. So here is a list of horror movies so bad, they're good. Now, faithful readers, this list doesn't include many of the horrible movies featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000, such as Werewolf, Pod People and Manos: The Hands of Fate. These are movies that are enjoyable without aids such as MST3K. I like Manos just as much as the next guy, but without the aid of Joel and the Bots, it's almost unbearable. So, without further ado, here is a list of some awful...ly good horror films.

Troll 2
No list of bad movies would be complete without this stinker. Troll 2 not only has nothing to do with the original Troll movie, but it also doesn't have any trolls in it. This one actually has some decent special effects -- I'm referring to the two tree transformations in the film here -- but it suffers from terrible writing and even worse acting. It's no surprise that no one in this film went on to bigger and better things. But it is amazingly fun to see the actors stumble through this mess. Oddly enough, the director still believes this is a masterpiece. Here's a clip, faithful readers, so you can decide for yourself:

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Birdemic
Sound editing is one of those things we take for granted in film. We assume that we're going to be able to hear the actors, we assume the soundtrack will enhance the mood instead of detracting from it, and we assume the sound effects will fit what is going on. The horrible editing in Birdemic sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm pretty sure they placed the microphones on the actors' shoes in some scenes.  And yes, the acting is as terrible as the special effects. But I couldn't stop laughing at how awful this movie really is, and I've gone out of my way to show friends and family just how bad this movie is. Somewhere, Alfred Hitchcock is rolling in his grave.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Maximum Overdrive
Now, to be fair, Maximum Overdrive scared me as a kid. But once I grew up I realized how ridiculous the idea of trucks, arcade games, bridges and soda machines rising up against us is. The acting is alright, the special effects are decent, but it's the concept that is flawed, and it's the concept that makes this movie a campy classic. Try not to laugh when the electric turkey carver attacks a woman. She yells and screams like Freddy Krueger himself is coming after her, yet all she has to do is take two steps backwards and she'll be fine. Plus, Emilio Estevez is a great coach and even a pretty good outlaw, but he's not a a tough guy and this movie kind of proves that.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Darkness Falls
Of all the movies on this list, Darkness Falls probably has the best production quality and the opening sequence is actually quite terrifying. But the reason this movie makes the list is because of how far it fell after that. It hits on almost every movie cliché in the book (Note: It's actually based on a sub-par short film, not a book) and it quickly delves into the completely ridiculous. My brothers and I had a great time ripping this one apart and by the time it got to the end my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. To this day, the phrase "Stay in the light!" always gets a chuckle in my house. Also, please keep in mind, this movie is about the Tooth Fairy. . .as a killer. . .

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



They Live
I stumbled across They Live on accident late one night. I tried to my best to figure out what this movie was trying to be. I finally decided that it's trying to be a horror movie, but you shouldn't hire a professional wrestler as your leading man if you're trying to scare people - unless you're trying to frighten them with horrible line reading. If you're going to have "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in your movie, you should just stick to extended, obviously staged fight scenes. . . oh wait, they did that, too. Believe it or not, They Live was written and directed by John Carpenter, who has proved himself as a horror writer, but this movie proves that your choice of actors can have a negative (but hilarious) effect on an already weak storyline. I think that's why they gave Mr. Piper so few lines.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Plan 9 From Outer Space
If Ed Wood's art is making bad movies, Plan 9 from Outer Space is his Sistine Chapel. This movie is so terrible it's sublime. The writing, the acting, the special effects, the editing - everything in this movie misses the mark. It would be hard to intentionally make a film this entertainingly bad. Also, there have been a number of directors who have had an actor die during the filming of a movie, but not many directors have chosen to add in random footage of a recently deceased actor into a movie they weren't in before. And since Ed Wood only had a few shots of the late Bela Lugosi, he had to fill in the rest with his wife's chiropractor, even though he doesn't look anything like Lugosi. That's ok, though, he covers his face for all of his scenes. If you haven't seen this movie yet, you're doing yourself a disservice. Rent it. Watch it. Cringe and enjoy.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



So there you go. Six completely awful horror movies that I still recommend seeing.

Happy Halloween, faithful readers!

Movie Trailers that Give Away the Ending

First of all, let me say Happy October, faithful readers! Can you believe it's finally here? Let's get to the semi-quasi-Halloween-related weekly posts!

 So I just saw this trailer for a horror movie called The Bay:


And while I roll my eyes at almost every "found footage film" these days, it was the ending of this trailer that caught my attention. It's not that the final few seconds of this trailer are amazing or even original -- movie trailer viewers expect this kind of stinger these days -- but it reminded me of a horror movie trailer I saw a few years ago:



Now, Quarantine wasn't a horrible film, but this trailer is particularly notorious because ***spoiler alert*** the last shot in the trailer is, in fact, the last shot of the film. Yup. Quarantine ends with that girl getting dragged off into the darkness. It's not a very good ending, but it's what you can expect from the run-of-the-mill found footage films. But why would the trailer makers decide to spoil the ending like that? Probably because it's one of the few memorable shots in the film. However, the ending loses 86% of its power if you've seen the trailer already.

And I have a feeling that the last shot of The Bay trailer is the same story. I haven't seen it yet, so technically that isn't a spoiler, but I'm willing to bet that the final shot of that woman in the car with the zombie-like creature popping up is how the film ends. Anyone want to take me up on that bet?

Anyway, The Bay trailer and its possible relationship to Quarantine led me to think about other movie trailers that give away the ending. Needless to say, this post deserves this kind of disclaimer:

*****WARNING! THIS POST WILL DISCUSS MOVIE TRAILERS THAT GIVE AWAY THE ENDING (AS YOU SHOULD EXPECT FROM THE TITLE OF THIS POST). THEREFORE, THERE IS A STANDING SPOILER ALERT FOR THE REST OF THIS POST!*****

Now, I haven't seen Apparition yet (I've been cautioned by a couple of friends to avoid it, in fact), but I was told that, once again, the last clip of the trailer is, in fact, how the movie ends. Take a look:



So the film apparently ends with a bunch of zombie hands groping Ashley Greene. But the filmmakers didn't stop there; they also spoiled the ending in the poster.

Smooth.

Now, lest you think that this spoiler-trailer-y thing only applies to horror films. Check out this family-friendly classic from the 90s:



Yup. The most iconic shot of Free Willy is, in fact, the moment at the end of the movie when the killer whale is let loose on the open waters once more. And, once again, it's spoiled by the poster as well as the trailer. But, I guess with a title like "Free Willy," you can probably guess that Willy is going to be free at some point in the film.

Back to horror:



Now, I like Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, but I was disappointed by how many deaths were spoiled in the trailer. There are seven people in that group of teens, and the trailer shows how six of them are killed. "But, The Former 786," you exclaim loudly, "this trailer doesn't give away the ending! Why would you include it on this post?" A fair question, faithful reader. My answer is that it's my blog and I can do what I want. Boo-yah.

But let's back to the point at hand:



To be honest, Carrie comes from a time when people were just starting to understand what a movie trailer should be. In the early days of film until about the mid-60s, movie trailers were much longer, much more boring and gave away almost the entire plot of the movie. Still, this movie would have been much more effective on viewers if they didn't know that a blood-soaked Carrie went telekinetically berserk on a room full of prom goers. However, if it wasn't for that part of the trailer, a lot of men probably wouldn't have gone to see it because it would just look like an angsty awkward teen girl film.


But Carrie doesn't give away the stinger ending where ***do I really need to say "spoiler alert" again?*** Carrie's dead hand shoots up from her grave and grabs Sue's arm, So it doesn't give away everything -- that honor belongs to this movie trailer:



Let me just run through how this trailer would play out with someone that hasn't seen the movie yet:

"Yikes! I wonder if he survives that plane crash! Oh. . .I guess he does."

"Hmmm. I wonder if a guy like Tom Hanks could survive on an island like that. Oh. . .I guess he can."

"Ha! He made fire."

"Whoa! He's skinny! I wonder if he's going to try and get off that island. Oh. . .I guess he does."

"I wonder how long he was on that island for. Oh. . .four years."

"And I guess since that guy on the plane is talking to him about getting off the island. . .he must get off the island at some point. Probably four years after he got there."

"It'd probably be hard to adjust to normal life after being on a desert island for four years. Yup. I was right." 

"Oh yeah! Helen Hunt! I wonder if they're going to work out. Well. . .based on her new haircut, probably not."

And then the end of the trailer shows us the very last shot of the film, with Tom Hanks standing at the crossroads, pondering what to do with his life. But Robert Zemeckis probably figured it didn't matter if he gave away the ENTIRE PLOT in the trailer, because people would go see it anyway. And they did.

So, there you have it. These are just a few of the movie trailers that ruin the ending of a film. I'm sure there are others, but I didn't want to dig around too much more on this subject. I don't like getting spoilers for movies I haven't seen. Like that time, years ago, when I mentioned that I wanted to see The Sixth Sense to someone else who hadn't seen the movie (thinking I was safe) and he replied, "Oh, is that the movie where Bruce Willis has a big ol' shotgun wound in his back at the end and you find out he's been dead the whole time?". . . . .

Jerk.

The Curse of the Number 3

I've been wanting to do this post for a while now, and I've discussed this theory with my friends and anyone who would listen for years now. My theory is that the number "3" is bad for movies - that the number three is cursed.

"What do you mean?" you may ask, and thank you for asking. Well, I personally believe that if a movie has the number "3" in the title, and it's the third installment of a film franchise, then it's going to be a bad movie. Sequels are usually bad enough (I'm looking at you, Teen Wolf, Too), but it seems by the time the writers and actors get to the third film, they've run out of creative ideas, hence they put a "3" or "III" in the title because they can't think of anything better. This does NOT apply to such films as Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, The Bourne Supremacy or Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, because they do not have the number three in the title. It also does not apply to films like Three Amigos or 3:10 to Yuma, which DO have the number three in the title, but it's not the third movie. I'm talking about films like these ones:


Back to the Future: Part III



Back to the Future? Classic! Back to the Future: Part II? Hoverboards! Back to the Future III? A sappy romance between Doc Brown and Clara Clayton. By the time we got to this sequel the reoccurring jokes are getting old (how many times can Marty run into a relative of Biff Tannen??) and you can tell the filmmakers just wanted to get it over with, that's why they put "The End" in the closing credits instead of "To Be Continued..." Now, I know that the second installment of this franchise can't stand on it's own, since it leaves us with a cliffhanger, but you can't deny that Back to the Future III is inferior to its predecessors.


Rocky III



The first Rocky film is an academy-award winning drama. Rocky II was a well-thought out follow-up to that story with a satisfying ending. In Rocky III, we get a hyped-up, pseudo-dramatic story with no real substance. Yes, we get the timeless work-out song "Eye of the Tiger" from this film, yes we do (SPOILER ALERT) get the drama of Mickey dying (END OF SPOILER), but that doesn't make up for the shameless cameos by Hulk Hogan and Mr. T, nor does it make up for the tube socks, nor does it make up for Apollo and Rocky as they sweatily run in slow-motion along the beach for an hour. This, in my opinion, is the weakest film of the Rocky franchise (not including Rocky V, because no one really counts Rocky V as an actual "Rocky" movie). Thank heavens the next Rocky movie was so cool.


Jaws 3-D



Do I really need to spell this one out for you? The first Jaws movie is one of the best horror films ever made. I also believe that every single sequel should have changed its name because they don't deserve to have the name of Jaws. However, at least the second one still had Roy Scheider in it, and at least it still dealt with Amity island and somewhat related to the first movie. By the time we got to number III, we've moved to an amusement park in Florida. I think the writers knew that this one was going to be a stinker, so they made it 3-D to seem cooler than it actually was. They'd obviously run out of other ideas.


High School Musical 3



I haven't actually seen this one, but my nieces tell me that this isn't as good as the first two and I trust them.


Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines



The first Terminator movie was a spectacular horror film. Terminator 2 was an awesome action film. The only thing that Terminator 3 had going for it was a hot female lead (no, I'm not talking about Claire Danes, I'm never talking about Claire Danes). This movie was so bad that the new Terminator movie completely ignored that the third one had ever been made. They even named it Terminator Salvation because it was trying to save the franchise from the damage done by T3.


Spider-Man 3



I still don't know how it's possible to make a movie with Venom as the villain and have it be horrible. In fact, the whole Peter Parker vs. Eddie Brock storyline in this film was actually watchable. But when I saw "Dark Peter" emerge and quickly turn this superhero movie into a musical, I knew the filmmakers were out of ideas. Bad move, Spider-Man franchise, bad move. Superheroes should NOT sing and dance. . .ever.


Superman III



The Superman films, though cheesy, were a delight to watch. The first one introduced us to Christopher Reeve as the Man of Steel. Superman II gave us General Zod and the Phantom Zone (plus, it made me scared to death of Niagara Falls, as a kid). In Superman III I guess they felt that they needed some comic relief to balance out Kal-El's seriousness (what? Jimmy Olsen wasn't enough?) so they brought in Richard Pryor, who. . .didn't do much in this film. Yes, this film gave us synthetic kryptonite and the cool fight between Clark Kent and Superman. Yes, this film also gave us a terrifying robot lady (she still scares me to this day). However, when the bad guy in your film is using a weather satellite to CONTROL the weather, you know it's time to hang up the tights.


Shrek the Third



Yes, this "3" title counts. I wasn't too impressed with the first Shrek movie, but at least it was original. Shrek 2, I feel, was funnier and more clever and I would even consider owning that member of the franchise. But I fell asleep mid-way through this third one, so it can't be that good.


Scream 3



The first Scream film was a clever satire on the horror film industry. The second one, though not as good, was mocking horror sequels in general. By the time they got to the third movie, however, the franchise had become the very kind of film they'd been making fun of. You can also tell that the actors who reappeared in this film didn't really want to be there, even the dead ones.


The Godfather: Part III



Everyone knows that The Godfather is one of the most critically acclaimed films of all time. The Godfather II is sometimes said to be better than the original. In fact, this is one of the FEW times when you CAN actually argue that a sequel is better than first movie. But you may also notice that no one seems to include The Godfather III in this argument. This red-headed stepchild of the Corleone family failed at the box office and failed to win over critics. Many people have their theories as to why this film didn't work, but me? I blame Sofia Coppolla.


Home Alone 3



The first two movies are practically the same movie, and we, as an audience, were okay with that. We accepted the fact that Macaulay Culkin could outsmart Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern both in Chicago AND in New York. But another kid that is wise in the ways of booby traps? Psssh! Surely you jest. Here's another angle to ponder: in the first movie the villains were simple house burglars, in the second movie, the same burglars were out for revenge, in the third movie it's a matter of national security when a group of thieves steal a "valuable missile cloaking computer chip for a North Korean terrorist group." Baby steps, filmmakers. Baby steps.


Alien 3



I guess this one should be called "Alien Cubed," technically, since the three is small in the title. Alien = horrifying. I mean, who can forget that iconic popping-out-of-the-chest scene. Aliens is equally as scary, especially since they throw a little kid into the mix. And while Alien Cubed made a pretty cool Sega Genesis Game, it did not work as a movie. I will always be scared of those face-huggers, but I am even more terrified of the crappy writing of this horrible movie.


Rush Hour 3



The "gimmick" of this movie got old in the second Rush Hour installment. This one was just overkill.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III



Ok, none of these TMNT films are award-winning, but, as a kid, they were pretty fun to watch. It was cool to see our heroes in live-action. The second movie even gave us Vanilla Ice doing the Ninja Rap and you know you can't resist dancing along with that catchy tune. But while we were able to suspend our disbelief that these turtles (and the rat) mutated into crime-fighters, the concept of them traveling through time in the third movie was a bit much, even for me.


Jurassic Park III



I actually had a friend remind me of this one since I had, apparently, blocked it from memory. The first film of this franchise changed CGI as we know it. Those dinosaurs still look good, even today. The second film wasn't that good, but at least it brought the dinosaurs to a new setting. In Jurassic Park III, however (even though it includes parts from the first Jurassic Park book), features a terrible story. I mean, we're supposed to believe that a spunky little kid survived on his own on an island full of killer dinosaurs? And, I'm sorry, but I will NEVER forgive them for showing us a talking raptor, even if it was only a dream.



Other bad "threequels" could include Nightmare on Elm Street III, Rambo III, Friday the 13th: Part III, and Spy Kids 3-D. All inferior to their counterparts, most not worth talking about.

"But, The Former 786," you may say, "There are good '3' movies out there like Mission: Impossible III!" Well, I do acknowledge that there are some (but very few) exceptions to this theory. This also explains why sometimes a sequel doesn't have to say "3" and it will still stink (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, anyone?? BLAH!). That is why this is only a theory - a word of caution, if you will.

So now, faithful readers, you may know that when the movie makers put a "3" in the title of the movie sequel you're going to see, you can, at least, have lowered expectations and may not be as disappointed.