Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

As we all know, good things tend to come in threes. There's the three wise men, the Three Amigos, the three-course meal and the Toy Story films. So today I'd like to present you with three different slices of fried gold with one common theme (hint: the theme is zombies). After all, who doesn't love zombies?

Firstly, I'd like to show you this cartoon, sent in by, alert reader, Tori Morten.

I can't tell you how long I chuckled about this one. It's such a genius connection! I wish I would have thought of it. It's interesting to think of the loveable bag of hay from The Wizard of Oz as an inspiration for George A. Romero, the creator of the modern zombie. I bet it was. I mean, Romero was born in 1940, exactly 5 months and 10 days after The Wizard of Oz was released in theaters - that can't be a coincidence!

Next up, I present to you this house, sent in by, alert reader, Lecia.

 

Ta-da!

So what's so special about this house, you may ask? Well, this innovative design is perfect for a world like ours, a world on the verge of a zombie apocalypse. Inspired by Michael Bay's horrible movies, this house actually transforms into a zombie-proof stronghold. Watch and behold!

Boom! Just like that, you have no weaknesses in your fortress of solitude. No windows for peering zombie eyes, no doors for zombie hands to crush, no overlooked, unused coal shafts for zombies to sneak into. It's a solid stone block. The only way you can get into this place after it has transformed is by a drawbridge lowered from the second story, shown below.

And did I mention that this house is also located behind a giant, retracting stone wall? 'Cause it is.

It's called "The Safe House" and it was designed by KWK Promes and it is located in Warsaw, Poland - proving once and for all that Americans aren't the only people paranoid about a zombie apocalypse.You can see more pictures of The Safe House, including the indoor pool, the lurking guard cat and the floor plans, at HomeDsgn.com.

However, truth be told, the real threat in a zombie movie is hardly ever from the actual zombies trying to get in. It's almost always because of dissension in the group of humans that the zombies are able to gain some ground on the battlefront. Heck, in some movies the humans are the ones with the higher body count. Moral of the story: Don't trust people.

Which segues perfectly into the final segment of this zombie-rific post. This video, sent in by, faithful reader, Jaime, shows just how cruel humans can really be to each other.



I don't know whether to call child protective services or post this on my blog and have others laugh at it. Wait. . .I think I already made my decision on that. . . .oh well. Anyway, this Japanese prank show displays just how uninformed children are about zombie attacks. I mean, seriously, Tabasco sauce? Plastic wrap? What were they THINKING?

I blame their parents. Any good parent should have their children prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. For example, my kids know exactly where my cricket bat and flamethrower are in case of an attack. And, as an added bonus, they also know what plants we can put in the front yard in order to prevent zombies from getting in our house. After all, you can't be too careful.

Until next week, faithful readers!

Have Fun, Get Fit, All While Learning Engrish!

The last post was so centered around me and my likes, that I would like to spend this post talking about you, faithful readers, and your weight. . . and your multilingual education. What if I told you that there was a quick and easy way to learn English while getting fit and having fun?

"But, The Former 786," you say, "I already speak English. If I didn't, I wouldn't be a faithful reader of Slice of Fried Gold."

Huh. Good point there. . . .

Anyway, here are a few videos to help you learn English. I have seen these before, but, alert reader, Shelly has brought them to my attention once again. Below are some clips from the Japanese TV show 英会話体操 Zuiikin’ English (or, for you non-Japanese speakers out there, Eikaiwa Taisō Zuiikin' English).

This program aired originally in the early 1990s and it only had 24 episodes? Why, you ask? Well, it could be because all the viewers killed themselves after watching too many of these endlessly repetitive and redundant lessons - which is why I'm only posting three here. Trust me, it's for your safety.

Here's the first one, it's a simple lesson, but I think we can all learn from it. Thanks, Shelly!



Author's Note: I have no idea what that 2nd robber was wearing on his face - or what purpose it serves.

Here's the second one, that is sure to help your love life.



And here's the coupe-de-ville - the one that put these girls on the map (at least for me). Enjoy, please!



So. There you go. There are many clips of the different lessons from this TV show on YouTube, though I advise only watching one or two at a time - for your health. I don't want to be responsible for you getting all fit and English-y on me.

Huh. Look at that. Even though this post started out about you, it ended about me again. . .oh well.

Isn't narcissistic egocentrism what blogging is all about, anyway? I think so.

Please Don't Squeeze the Story

I've admitted before that I occasionally will read while in the bathroom. And it's no surprise, based on some of the entries of this blog, that I enjoy a good scary story every now and then. So imagine the joy that I felt when I found out that these worlds have wonderfully collided.

The problem with books in the bathroom is that once they've been in the bathroom, they're tainted for life. It's the same with magazines - if you take them in the bathroom they will always be branded as bathroom literature. This is why you never want to buy used books off of the internet - they've probably been read in the water closet.

A Japanese company has created a solution for this problem - just flush the book away. Koji Suzuki, the author of "The Ring" has put his new 9-chapter novella on toilet paper. Yes, that's right, toilet paper. Apparently the toilet has a history of horror in Japan. Bathrooms are, apparently, traditionally haunted in Japan and parents even tease their children about (and I'm not making this up) " a dark, hairy hand" that would reach up out of the toilet and pull them down "into the dark pool below." That sounds counter-intuitive to every potty-training method we have here in the United States.The book is called "Drop" (stop giggling) and it is actually set in a public restroom. This is kind of like watching Jaws while on a boat, watching The Blair Witch Project in a forest, or watching The Grudge 2 in the midst of really bad actors and horrible screenwriters. The short story only takes up about 3 feet of the roll (measure it yourself at home, kids!) and can be read in one sitting, according to the manufacturer, Hayashi Paper. And it's only $2.20 a roll for the scariest time you've ever had in the loo (not including the time after that Taco Bell eating contest)!

Now if I just knew how to read Japanese characters. . .

It's Not Just You

I remember when I was living with five other guys in college. While it was full of fun noises and we could be as messy as we wanted to be, there is a point where, I believe, every college man asks himself the same question: "Are my roommates stealing my food?"

You know the scenario -- you come home one day, excited to try the new Chef-Boyardee ravioli you've been saving for a special occasion (you passed your Physical Science mid-term with a 68% - Boo yeah!!!) and when you get home you can't find it anywhere in the one small cupboard section that you were allotted when you moved in (six guys take up a lot of cupboard space). You can't remember eating it, but the can is gone and now all you have left is a bag of old potato chips and a moldy onion.

Now, your thoughts may immediately assume the worst and you begin to suspect your roommate who doesn't ever seem to go grocery shopping, or the freeloader who doesn't even live in your apartment, but manages to sleep on the couch every night and mooches off your Ramen sometimes, but what if you didn't have any roommates?

Such was the case with a man in Japan who lived all by himself in a tiny one-story house in Fukuoka. The 57-year-old lived a quiet and normal life until, one day, he noticed that some of his food was missing from his cupboard. Now, he didn't have any roommates at the time, but he more likely than not went to college at some point in his life and, therefore, figured that it was stolen.

He set up a video camera so he could get the culprit red-handed. One of the cameras captured someone inside his home one Thursday after he had left and transmitted the images to his mobile phone. He called police, fearing a burglary. When the police officers arrived, however, they found that all the doors were locked and all the windows were closed. Now, I know what you're thinking, because I thought the same thing: Hungry ghosts!!!

The police, the unbelievers they are, searched for a more logical explanation. And they found one. . .hiding in the closet. Police spokesman Hiroki Itakura said, "We searched the house ... checking everywhere someone could possibly hide. . .When we slid open the shelf closet, there [Tatsuko Horikawa] was, nervously curled up on her side." The 58-year-old homeless woman admitted that she had snuck into the man's house OVER A YEAR AGO when the man had left his apartment unlocked and she had lived in his closet during all that time!

This was no luxurious walk-in closet, either. Horikawa was living in a shelf in the closet that was only 50 cm high! She had moved a mattress into the small closet space and apparently even took showers while the homeowner was away. Police spokesperson Itakura even called the woman "neat and clean" which is the differentiating factor between Horikawa and the majority of college roommates.

So the moral of the story is: if you want to steal your roommates' food, all you have to do is clean up your mess after you eat. It'll take them a year to figure out their food is missing and, by then, you'll have moved on to mooch off of another apartment.

And for those of you living on your own, if you can't find that block of cheese that you swore you bought the other day. . .check your closet, you might have a small, homeless Japanese woman living in there.