Sunday, March 16, 2008

Marathon Throne Time

Recently I received a copy of the Bathroom Reader (17th Edition) from my wife. I found it all wrapped up in beautiful wrapping paper and a shiny bow. . .in the bathroom. Needless to say, it was the most sparkly thing I've ever seen in a bathroom. It seemed a little odd to be opening a present during my "morning devotional," but the gift inside was quite appropriate for the setting.

For those of you who don't know what the Bathroom Reader is, it's a series of humorous references books (I know this because it says "Humor/Reference" on the back cover) that have random and interesting information specifically designed for short, medium, and long stays on the porcelain.

Since learning about the Bathroom Reader I have spent countless hours cramming random facts into my head such as: Girls cannot be hemophiliacs, there are cities called Straight AND Gay in Oklahoma, the history of Tarzan, the average person takes about 23,000 breaths and that frogs have no ribs.

I also have learned that my book cost $16.95 in the U.S. and $23.95 in Canada (the supply must be lower in Canada, or the demand is higher) because books always seem to post the price on the back cover. Don't they realize that books are sometimes given as gifts when the movie-version hasn't come out yet?? You can get them cheaper online if you buy used. . .but they're BATHROOM Readers. . .and if someone has used them. . .well, you get the point.

Anyway, because I'm learning new things and being entertained at the same time, I've found that I spend more time in the bathroom when I have a copy of the Bathroom Reader. But even if you combine all the time I've been learning about such things as the history of the Barbie doll, the first CD to sell one million copies (Dire Straits' Brothers in Arms), and the fact that Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors, it doesn't even compare to this woman in Kansas who sat on her toilet for 2 YEARS!!

I am not kidding. A 35-year-old woman from Ness City, Kansas apparently had a phobia of going outside and this eventually led to her spending all her time in the bathroom. She was actually on the toilet for so long that her body actually FUSED to the toilet. She was physically stuck to the toilet seat.

The weirdest part is, that this woman wasn't living alone. She lived with her boyfriend, Kory McFarren, in his trailer. However, it took Kory TWO YEARS to finally realize that "something was wrong" and he called the paramedics. He said he'd been bringing her food and water and trying to coax her to come out, but she wouldn't and so he just kept on supporting her. Kory even says that they had a perfectly normal relationship, "except it all happened in the bathroom."

I don't see how this could work. In the short time I've been writing this post my wife has not brought me food nor water AND she's been constantly after me to stop typing and to start getting ready for the day. And I'm pretty sure that if I announced to her one day that I was going to sit on the couch for two years and just watch reruns of Mythbusters because I was afraid of going outside, she would tip the couch over (she's pretty strong for a petite girl) and drag me around by the chest hair until I remembered what I was really supposed to be afraid of (I love you, pumpkin!).

Well, for this woman the paramedics did come and they had to break the toilet to get her to the hospital and then they had to pry the toilet seat off of her. The woman has a serious infection and they say that she may have permanent nerve damage now and could be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. But Kory, her dim, but loving boyfriend said in a video interview that his doors are open and he'll take care of her "whether she walks or rolls out of that hospital." See? This story DOES have a happy ending! All the story needs now is for the guy to profusely apologize to the girl after chasing after her before she leaves town or gets married to some other guy and you could make this into a romantic comedy!

Well, I'd better end this post. My legs are getting tingly and numb from sitting here and typing this post for so long on my laptop.


Ponczoch Family said...

Congrats... you are officially in the family now that you have the book.

Jeff Tromphlin said...

"Morning Devotional"? What, are you giving a sermon to your toilet, or are you looking at yourself in a mirror and lecturing to yourself about sin while you use the bathroom? Either way, it's disturbing.

Mike said...

Come on, Jeff. Everyone knows what the morning devotional is and/or attends one. And Former, if your morning devotional lasts as long as say, the BYU devotional each week then watch out for the bathroom reader's worst enemy: hemorroids.

The Former 786 said...

I'll tell ya what's disturbing, Jeff, your use of punctuation OUTSIDE of the quotes! Here on this side of the Atlantic we put it on the inside.

And yes, there usually is a sermon involved...and a musical number or two (the acoustics are great in there!).

L'homme Masqued said...

Joel, you are an absolute wordsmith. I ran straight to the toilet after reading this (due to a severe bout of mirth-triggered incontinence) but due to your warning, I did not sit down. Thank you for sparing me from that pain.

The Former 786 said...

Ah, bonjour L'homme Masqued. We meet again, yes?

Good to hear from you! And I'm glad you heeded my warning.