Some people are just very talented.
This video, uploaded by genrocks (aka Gen I.), is called Filmography 2010 and it's a fairly comprehensive look at the films released this year. While normal people would have just created a montage of films jammed together without rhyme or reason, Gen I. adds complementary music in the background and intertwines quotes and scenes together in a way that is just. . .well, watch:
Impressive, no?
As a sidenote, there are 270 films featured in this 6-minute video. Out of that, I've only seen 17. Now, I'm no mathematician, but I'm thinking that's less than half. I need to get to work if I'm going to get this list done by the end of the year. So I'm off!
I'll see you next year! ZING!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
A 90210 Christmas. . .Christmas
Here's a special bonus post, suggested by, faithful reader, Phil - just in case you forgot what day today is:
Merry Christmas from all of us here at Slice of Fried Gold!
Merry Christmas from all of us here at Slice of Fried Gold!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Ho-Ho-AAAAAAAAAAAAAANOTHER ONE!
If you haven't seen the first two posts with pictures of children who are afraid of Santa Claus, the title of this entry won't make much sense, however I feel that these pictures can be enjoyed regardless of your loyalty to Slice of Fried Gold.
Enjoy Round 3!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. . .mare.
Enjoy Round 3!
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| "Tee-hee, I told my brother we were going to visit Elmo. He was sooooo excited. *snicker*" |
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| Bradley isn't actually scared of Santa, he just really dislikes his sister. |
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| David uses the tried and true "Slobber Escape" technique. |
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| "I don't care WHAT my shirt says! This dude is NOT my homeboy!!" |
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| "That's right, laugh with me Ella. Laugh about all the presents you're not going to get. . ." |
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| Santa is trying a little too hard in this picture to prove his innocence. |
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| Anyone else think this Santa looks like an old, washed-up Jimmy Kimmel? |
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| You can't really blame Joni for freaking about about this monstrosity. Freaky! |
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| "Mom, why are you laughing? Is it me? Is it because of my haircut? I feel so insecure!" |
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| "Run away!" Kara screamed as she led the charge. "Save yourselves!" |
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| Kendall hated the outdoors almost as much as he hated ol' Kris Kringle. |
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| Lotus believed in Santa, just not a Santa that looked like the love child of Kenny Rogers and Elvis Presley. |
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| "Take me yonder, mother! Away from this foul wretch seated behind me!" |
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| Although Mary was frightened, she couldn't help but feel comfortable on this over-fluffed St. Nicholas. |
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| "Hey Mister! You are RUINING my aerobics routine!" |
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| "GAH!" |
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| "What do you mean he sees me when I'm sleeping????" |
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| Sage just found out he made the naughty list. |
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| Sally proves that, even in the olden days, Santa was terrifying to children. |
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| "I told ya, I don't do laps, kid. Deal with it." |
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| "BY THE SWORD OF CANDIED CANE, I SWEAR I WILL AVENGE THIS DAY, MOTHER!" |
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| "These ARE my Jazz Hands, Santa! What more do you want??" |
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| "Woe is me!" "No, bro, woe is ME!" "Hey, my woe is MUCH more than your woe, dude!" "Back off, punk, don't pretend like you know how I feel!" "I know how you'll be feeling my fist in your face later today. . ." |
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| Walter was not happy with the new TSA pat-downs or the new uniforms. |
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| "Good. . .heavens. . .they're EVERYWHERE!!" |
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. . .mare.
Monday, December 13, 2010
A Little Something to Remember Me By
This week has been completely crazy and I may not have access to the internet for a little while. So just in case I don't make it back in time for next week's post, I'd like to present you, faithful readers, with two songs that you won't be able to get out of your head. This will make it so you'll be humming at least one of these tunes and thinking of me for the next little while - even if I'm away.
Here's #1, which is pretty short, but adorably catchy:
And here's #2 which, I have to warn you, will EMBED itself into your cerebrum. You've been warned.
Like it or not, one of these two songs is gonna stick in your head for the rest of the week. You can thank me later.
CHIHUAHUA!
Here's #1, which is pretty short, but adorably catchy:
And here's #2 which, I have to warn you, will EMBED itself into your cerebrum. You've been warned.
Like it or not, one of these two songs is gonna stick in your head for the rest of the week. You can thank me later.
CHIHUAHUA!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Think of Your Electric Bill!
Internet is down at home. Things are happening. No time to write.
Here's one of my favorite winter-themed videos, faithful readers! Enjoy!
Here's one of my favorite winter-themed videos, faithful readers! Enjoy!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Here Comes the Sun. . .'s Owner
File this one in the "Why Didn't I Think of That" folder.
In a world where everyone is trying to make money for doing absolutely nothing, you have to give some notice to those who are creative about it.
Remember as a kid when you'd claim something as yours? You would say something like, "I call this piece of pie!" or "Place back!" or even "Shotgun! No battle!" Well, apparently we were all setting our bar WAY too low as children. Angeles Duran has taken this method a step further - or, perhaps, 93 million miles farther.
That's right, faithful readers, this 49-year-old woman is now claiming ownership of the Sun.
And, believe it or not, she has the documentation to prove it. She has a signed and notarized paper showing her "ownership" of the Sun. She then stated, "I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I know the law. I did it but anyone else could have done it, it simply occurred to me first." Spoken like a true 4-year-old.
"But, The Former 786," you may ask, "what harm is it for her to 'own' the Sun? It's not like she can actually do anything with it. Right?" Oh, faithful reader, how pure and naive you are. Ms. Duran wants to charge you for using the Sun. She has stated that she wants to charge everyone that uses the Sun and then give most of the proceeds to Spain. Half of it would go to the Spanish government. 20% would go to the country's pension fund. 10% would go to research. What research, exactly? I don't think she even knows. Sounds like a fluff answer to me. 10% would go to "end world hunger" (again, is she running for Miss Universe or something?) and the remaining 10% percent would go to (surprise!) herself.
So, just in case all that math didn't make sense to you, here's the skinny: Angeles Duran wants to charge every man, woman, child, animal and plant who enjoys the Sun, and use that money to fund Spain, generic ideas and herself.
However, her claim is completely flawed. I'm sorry, Ms. Duran, but I'm pretty sure that I claimed the Sun on one of my family's long, boring road trips to California. My older brother called the rest stop we were at and I just had to one-up him. So, sucks to be you! Or, as they say in Spain, "No sé si hay una traducción directa de esa frase en español!"
In a world where everyone is trying to make money for doing absolutely nothing, you have to give some notice to those who are creative about it.
Remember as a kid when you'd claim something as yours? You would say something like, "I call this piece of pie!" or "Place back!" or even "Shotgun! No battle!" Well, apparently we were all setting our bar WAY too low as children. Angeles Duran has taken this method a step further - or, perhaps, 93 million miles farther.
That's right, faithful readers, this 49-year-old woman is now claiming ownership of the Sun.
And, believe it or not, she has the documentation to prove it. She has a signed and notarized paper showing her "ownership" of the Sun. She then stated, "I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I know the law. I did it but anyone else could have done it, it simply occurred to me first." Spoken like a true 4-year-old.
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| Angeles Duran kind of looks like Stephenie Meyer, which makes me not trust her. |
So, just in case all that math didn't make sense to you, here's the skinny: Angeles Duran wants to charge every man, woman, child, animal and plant who enjoys the Sun, and use that money to fund Spain, generic ideas and herself.
However, her claim is completely flawed. I'm sorry, Ms. Duran, but I'm pretty sure that I claimed the Sun on one of my family's long, boring road trips to California. My older brother called the rest stop we were at and I just had to one-up him. So, sucks to be you! Or, as they say in Spain, "No sé si hay una traducción directa de esa frase en español!"
Monday, November 22, 2010
Violet! You're turning violet, Violet!
As you, my faithful readers, probably know, I am absolutely overjoyed when some outlandish idea from the movie world becomes reality. I've talked about it a number of times before on this blog and, much to my overjoying joyous joy, it's coming to pass once again.
Almost every person I talk to about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (which is pretty much everyone I meet) remembers a few key scenes in the movie. They remember these certain scenes because they were horrified by them. Such scenes include when Augustus gets stuck in the chocolate pipe (almost dying in the process), Charlie and Grandpa Joe almost getting chopped up to bits in the fizzy lifting drink room (almost dying), the freaky tunnel scene (that made some of us want to die) and, of course, Violet Beauregarde chewing the three-course meal gum and then swelling up to giant blueberry-sized proportions (and. . .almost dying).
Now, out of all these moments of this "children's" movie, which one do you think is becoming a reality?
Hint: Look at the title of this blog post.
That's right, it's the freaky tunnel scene.
I'm kidding, thank heavens. Scientists are currently working hard on creating a gum that would work just like the three-course meal gum Violet chews. They're making this gum using microcapsules that each hold a different flavor. Some of these microcapsules would dissolve when they come into contact with the saliva (probably the appetizer flavor), others would burst when they were crushed by your molars (the main course) and others would still hold out until "vigorous chewing" would take place (dessert).
Now, this wouldn't be like the so-called "Everlasting Gobstopper" real-life attempt, which only lasts around a half-hour if you don't actually suck on it, this would be a breakthrough in scientific technology. This kind of technology could be used to help alleviate world hunger in the future. However, in the mean time, they're just focusing on candy.
You can get the full story here, but, in the meantime I'd like to ask you, faithful readers, do you think this is a good idea? Do you really want a multi-course meal flavor in your gum? If so, what would you want your meal-gum (the marketing team will probably have to come up with a better name than that) to taste like?
Me? I'll take a tomato basil soup for the first course, chile verde burritos for the second course, and a mint fudge brownie for the dessert. I think I could handle each one of these courses in a warm liquid consistency. I mean, let's face it, no matter how advanced these flavors get, it's always going to be that same texture.
Almost every person I talk to about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (which is pretty much everyone I meet) remembers a few key scenes in the movie. They remember these certain scenes because they were horrified by them. Such scenes include when Augustus gets stuck in the chocolate pipe (almost dying in the process), Charlie and Grandpa Joe almost getting chopped up to bits in the fizzy lifting drink room (almost dying), the freaky tunnel scene (that made some of us want to die) and, of course, Violet Beauregarde chewing the three-course meal gum and then swelling up to giant blueberry-sized proportions (and. . .almost dying).
Now, out of all these moments of this "children's" movie, which one do you think is becoming a reality?
Hint: Look at the title of this blog post.
That's right, it's the freaky tunnel scene.
I'm kidding, thank heavens. Scientists are currently working hard on creating a gum that would work just like the three-course meal gum Violet chews. They're making this gum using microcapsules that each hold a different flavor. Some of these microcapsules would dissolve when they come into contact with the saliva (probably the appetizer flavor), others would burst when they were crushed by your molars (the main course) and others would still hold out until "vigorous chewing" would take place (dessert).
Now, this wouldn't be like the so-called "Everlasting Gobstopper" real-life attempt, which only lasts around a half-hour if you don't actually suck on it, this would be a breakthrough in scientific technology. This kind of technology could be used to help alleviate world hunger in the future. However, in the mean time, they're just focusing on candy.
You can get the full story here, but, in the meantime I'd like to ask you, faithful readers, do you think this is a good idea? Do you really want a multi-course meal flavor in your gum? If so, what would you want your meal-gum (the marketing team will probably have to come up with a better name than that) to taste like?
Me? I'll take a tomato basil soup for the first course, chile verde burritos for the second course, and a mint fudge brownie for the dessert. I think I could handle each one of these courses in a warm liquid consistency. I mean, let's face it, no matter how advanced these flavors get, it's always going to be that same texture.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Come and Play - Everything's A-OK?
Elmo isn't the only creepy Muppet in town anymore.
Halloween may be over for some, but for you, faithful readers, the horror is just beginning. The gang over at Best Week Ever have compiled a list of photographs of people who tried to look like Sesame Street characters, but failed miserably.
Look, just because Oscar lives in the garbage doesn't mean he has to look like a pile of garbage. My kid would FREAK OUT if she saw this thing coming at her.
The scariest thing about this one is the lack of effort. Seriously? A piece of construction paper, some tape and a striped shirt and you think you're good?
It's not the mask that is scary, it's the eyes; those horrible, piercing eyes glaring directly into your soul.
It took me a while to guess what this weirdo was going for. Can you figure it out?
This costume confuses me, therefore, it scares me. At first glance, he looks like Grover, but then, you see the box of cookies. Dude, Cookie Monster is FAT!
Creative? Or offensive? YOU CHOOSE!
Imagine this: you're alone in your home and you pull back your shower curtain to find this face staring back at you. Instant heart attack.
These two should DEFINITELY be drug-tested. Look at that glazed-over look in their eyes!
I don't like the way Bert is looking at us. . .
Yes, you look like Elmo. . .after a lobotomy.
"Come play with us, Danny. Forever and ever and ever."
There's no denying it, this Bert wants to KILL you.
Dude, this isn't an Elmo costume. This costume looks like you killed a few Elmos, skinned them and decided to wear them. This picture gave my daughter nightmares. Why did I show this picture to my daughter? You tell me.
This is only thirteen out of fifty pictures on the site. You can see the rest of the pictures at bestweekever.tv.
Until next week, faithful readers!
Halloween may be over for some, but for you, faithful readers, the horror is just beginning. The gang over at Best Week Ever have compiled a list of photographs of people who tried to look like Sesame Street characters, but failed miserably.
WARNING: SOME OF THESE COSTUMES ARE TERRIFYING AND/OR CONFUSING!
Look, just because Oscar lives in the garbage doesn't mean he has to look like a pile of garbage. My kid would FREAK OUT if she saw this thing coming at her.
The scariest thing about this one is the lack of effort. Seriously? A piece of construction paper, some tape and a striped shirt and you think you're good?
It's not the mask that is scary, it's the eyes; those horrible, piercing eyes glaring directly into your soul.
It took me a while to guess what this weirdo was going for. Can you figure it out?
This costume confuses me, therefore, it scares me. At first glance, he looks like Grover, but then, you see the box of cookies. Dude, Cookie Monster is FAT!
Creative? Or offensive? YOU CHOOSE!
Imagine this: you're alone in your home and you pull back your shower curtain to find this face staring back at you. Instant heart attack.
These two should DEFINITELY be drug-tested. Look at that glazed-over look in their eyes!
I don't like the way Bert is looking at us. . .
Yes, you look like Elmo. . .after a lobotomy.
"Come play with us, Danny. Forever and ever and ever."
There's no denying it, this Bert wants to KILL you.
Dude, this isn't an Elmo costume. This costume looks like you killed a few Elmos, skinned them and decided to wear them. This picture gave my daughter nightmares. Why did I show this picture to my daughter? You tell me.
Until next week, faithful readers!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Bread is Totally Rad!
What is one of your favorite smells? Chances are, if you're an everyday average person, your answer will probably be freshly baked bread. Additionally, many people's favorite foods (hamburgers, sandwiches, pigs in a blanket) involve the use of bread.
Now, recently it seems that bread has been villainized by the so-called "gluten-free" community. These people aren't technically allergic to bread, they just have a digestive intolerance to wheat, rye, barley and malt. Once again, it's not an allergy, it's an intolerance - a gluten intolerance. And I think we all know what intolerance leads to: hate crimes.
These "Celiacs," as they call themselves, haven't reached this level of violence yet. No Hostess factories or Sara Lee bakeries have been attacked or destroyed by them. For now, they're only asking for gluten-free versions of foods that already exist. The world is quickly becoming more and more tolerant of this intolerant group of people. More and more restaurants are offering gluten-free menus and you can find gluten-free products in almost any grocery store. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I'm just suggesting we need to keep an eye on the people with the Celiac disease. After all, "Celiac" rhymes with "we attack!" I'm just saying. . .
We need to stand up for our bread rights, people! Without bread we would lose many things that are precious and dear to our hearts. We would also not have videos like the one below.
Before you watch it, I must stress that this clip has not been altered or edited in any way - this is exactly how it originally aired.
As this video proves, all kinds of people are switching to whole meal, making their own bread and ripping their shirts off. This clip, sent in by, alert reader, Mitch, comes from a British television show called "You Are What You Eat" around 1986. Aside from that, I really don't know that much about it. The internet has failed me.
If any of you can give me more information about this clip or the TV show it came from, please let me know. Help me, faithful readers, you're my only hope. This video, and more like it, could help convince those gluten-free Celiacs that bread is just too cool to hate.
Now, recently it seems that bread has been villainized by the so-called "gluten-free" community. These people aren't technically allergic to bread, they just have a digestive intolerance to wheat, rye, barley and malt. Once again, it's not an allergy, it's an intolerance - a gluten intolerance. And I think we all know what intolerance leads to: hate crimes.
These "Celiacs," as they call themselves, haven't reached this level of violence yet. No Hostess factories or Sara Lee bakeries have been attacked or destroyed by them. For now, they're only asking for gluten-free versions of foods that already exist. The world is quickly becoming more and more tolerant of this intolerant group of people. More and more restaurants are offering gluten-free menus and you can find gluten-free products in almost any grocery store. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I'm just suggesting we need to keep an eye on the people with the Celiac disease. After all, "Celiac" rhymes with "we attack!" I'm just saying. . .
We need to stand up for our bread rights, people! Without bread we would lose many things that are precious and dear to our hearts. We would also not have videos like the one below.
Before you watch it, I must stress that this clip has not been altered or edited in any way - this is exactly how it originally aired.
As this video proves, all kinds of people are switching to whole meal, making their own bread and ripping their shirts off. This clip, sent in by, alert reader, Mitch, comes from a British television show called "You Are What You Eat" around 1986. Aside from that, I really don't know that much about it. The internet has failed me.
If any of you can give me more information about this clip or the TV show it came from, please let me know. Help me, faithful readers, you're my only hope. This video, and more like it, could help convince those gluten-free Celiacs that bread is just too cool to hate.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yatta Attack!
Since the posts in October were full of such doom and gloom, I think it's time we lighten the mood a bit. I think it's time that we have a little fun. I think it's time. . .for Yatta!!
Now, before you start thinking the Japanese are weirder than you already thought they were, this is actually a comedy bit. This song/video (sent in by, alert reader, Ryan) came from a sketch comedy show in Japan called Silly Go Lucky. The video features a fictional group named Happa-tai (Green Leaves). It's supposed to be a parody of Japanese boy bands. Still, this parody makes you wonder what kind of boy bands they actually have over there. . .
What? You want to know what they're saying? Very well, faithful readers, here are the lyrics translated into English (thank you SongMeanings.net) so you can now sing along with Happa-tai! Just like you've always wanted!!!
Until next week. Yatta!!
Now, before you start thinking the Japanese are weirder than you already thought they were, this is actually a comedy bit. This song/video (sent in by, alert reader, Ryan) came from a sketch comedy show in Japan called Silly Go Lucky. The video features a fictional group named Happa-tai (Green Leaves). It's supposed to be a parody of Japanese boy bands. Still, this parody makes you wonder what kind of boy bands they actually have over there. . .
What? You want to know what they're saying? Very well, faithful readers, here are the lyrics translated into English (thank you SongMeanings.net) so you can now sing along with Happa-tai! Just like you've always wanted!!!
G R Double-E N Leaves
G R Double-E N Leaves
It's so easy! Happy-go-lucky!
We are the world! We did it!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Unh!)
All right! All right!
We're doin' great in college!
All right! All right!
Made president at our jobs!
Long as we've one leaf on, we're doin' fine! Hey, we're lucky just 'cause we're alive!
All right! All right!
We've been confirmed for the prize!
All right! All right!
We're representing Japan!
We're so healthy, it just makes ya sick!
Everybody say "All right!"
Japan's got crises (but)
Tomorrow's wonderful
Even if somebody's mean to us, we just go to bed and
Snore! Snore! Snore! Snore! Pass! Pass! Pass! Pass! (Good morniiiiing!)
All right! All right!
We got nine hours of sleep!
All right! All right!
Woke up and jumped outta bed
What kinda great things might await us now? Hey, we're lucky just 'cause we're alive!
All right! All right!
If there's a change in you
All right! All right!
Then the whole world will change too.
Getting through it unhurt's the best of all. Just stand up straight because it feels greeeaat!!
I drink water that's tasty! (All right!)
I get in the sun and feel toasty! (All right!)
Havin' a belly laugh's fun! (All right! All right!)
Try keeping dogs--they're cute! (All right!)
[Repeat]
As we brushed past each other, you favored me with a smile.
It's okay if we never meet again. I'm lucky you were here just for a while!
We've got recession these days...in goverment we've no faith.
Could we hit "reset," that'd be number one! And since we're all here, it's just so much fun!
All right! All right!
In university class
All right! All right!
We've got a movie star!
Long as we've one leaf on, we're doin' fine! We're all together, it's a happy time!
All right! All right!
Long as we still can breathe in...
All right! All right!
Long as we still can breathe out...
We're so healthy, it just makes ya sick!
Everybody say "All right!"
[Repeat]
Bye-Q!
G R Double-E N Leaves
It's so easy! Happy-go-lucky!
We are the world! We did it!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Unh!)
All right! All right!
We're doin' great in college!
All right! All right!
Made president at our jobs!
Long as we've one leaf on, we're doin' fine! Hey, we're lucky just 'cause we're alive!
All right! All right!
We've been confirmed for the prize!
All right! All right!
We're representing Japan!
We're so healthy, it just makes ya sick!
Everybody say "All right!"
Japan's got crises (but)
Tomorrow's wonderful
Even if somebody's mean to us, we just go to bed and
Snore! Snore! Snore! Snore! Pass! Pass! Pass! Pass! (Good morniiiiing!)
All right! All right!
We got nine hours of sleep!
All right! All right!
Woke up and jumped outta bed
What kinda great things might await us now? Hey, we're lucky just 'cause we're alive!
All right! All right!
If there's a change in you
All right! All right!
Then the whole world will change too.
Getting through it unhurt's the best of all. Just stand up straight because it feels greeeaat!!
I drink water that's tasty! (All right!)
I get in the sun and feel toasty! (All right!)
Havin' a belly laugh's fun! (All right! All right!)
Try keeping dogs--they're cute! (All right!)
[Repeat]
As we brushed past each other, you favored me with a smile.
It's okay if we never meet again. I'm lucky you were here just for a while!
We've got recession these days...in goverment we've no faith.
Could we hit "reset," that'd be number one! And since we're all here, it's just so much fun!
All right! All right!
In university class
All right! All right!
We've got a movie star!
Long as we've one leaf on, we're doin' fine! We're all together, it's a happy time!
All right! All right!
Long as we still can breathe in...
All right! All right!
Long as we still can breathe out...
We're so healthy, it just makes ya sick!
Everybody say "All right!"
[Repeat]
Bye-Q!
Until next week. Yatta!!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Six Horror Movie Cliches that Need to Go
Horror movies may be creepy and kooky, but they're becoming less mysterious and spooky. These days, you can pretty much tell exactly where the plot is going and what is going to happen when.
Just this past week I was watching a scary movie with my wife (who doesn't do well with horror films) and as a character explored his dark house, the soundtrack suddenly went silent - I told my wife to close her eyes and, sure enough, a ghost popped out. My wife was still startled by the noise of it all, but at least she won't be dreaming about that ghost woman's face and she won't wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me how she blames me for her nightmare.
The point of that story isn't to say that I am a horror movie genius (even though I am, of course), but rather that modern horror movies are too predictable. Certain aspects of the horror genre have become a staple for uncreative writers and directors to try and build suspense or help move the plot forward.
Certain cliches don't bother me that much. For example, I don't mind that girls are unrealistically attractive in scary films (love you, dear!) and I don't care if we all know that the person they're trying to make us think is the killer isn't really the killer (they can still surprise us with who it actually is), but certain movie cliches just need to go. The following list includes six current horror movie standards that are completely annoying. These cliched moments/plot points/gimmicks pull the viewer out of the movie and into the realm of skeptical disbelief.
Here they are, in some particular order:
1. The Creepy Insightful Kid
When I say "creepy kid," I am not referring to Samara from The Ring or Gage from Pet Sematary. I'm referring to the weird, pale child who seems to have some knowledge as to what is going on - even if there is no logical reason they should know what is going on. While all the adult characters are freaking out, this creepy kid is level-headed, staring off into the distance and explaining exactly what is happening and what people should/shouldn't do. Now, I have kids, and I'm pretty sure if ghosts were invading my house, they would be crying and screaming and running around the house. But, then again, they act like that most of the time anyway. Yes, Hollywood, we get it, kids are creepy in horror films - but every child does not always need to be dark, brooding, disturbed and have some sort of connection to the other side. Sometimes, kids should just be kids.
2. Jump Outs Galore!!!
There is a difference between startling someone and scaring someone. It always bugs me when a trailer or promotional video for a movie shows the audience jumping in their seats while watching the film to prove how scary it is. Any idiot can startle someone, people do it on America's Funniest Home Videos all the time. Nonetheless, certain movies will constantly startle audiences over and over, but not giving them any real fright. Now, don't get me wrong, I think a jump-out moment every now and then is an excellent release to well-done built-up suspense, but movies shouldn't do it too much. Those overdone startling moments are only a step above jumping out and yelling "Boo!" at the audience. Creating an atmosphere of fear is much more memorable than making someone constantly jump in a fleeting moment of fright.
3. Torture Porn
The first Saw movie was a clever and interesting psychological thriller. After that, the series turned into the "Watch the different horrible ways we can kill people" movies. Saw wasn't the first film series to do this; after all, slasher films have been around since the 70s, but Saw was the movie that spawned dozens of copycat films - none of which have any real horror substance. Gore does not equal terror. Gore will make audiences cringe, blood may make viewers squirm in their seats, but it isn't scary. It's shock-horror. It's the same principle as the gross-out comedies - let's disturb the audience by showing them something extreme in order to get a reaction. This isn't real fear, it's a gimmicky shortcut. It's simple to get a reaction when you show someone getting sliced in half, but that reaction won't be fear, it will be disgust. Real fear comes from tension and suspense. Real terror makes you turn on your lights at night after you get home from watching the movie. I might add that some of the most terrifying deaths in film happen off screen, because sometimes your mind can create something much more horrible than what they could actually show in the film. Please, Hollywood, please stop confusing torture porn with real horror movies. Also, you might want to closely monitor the makers of these movies; they have to be seriously disturbed to come up with some of the deaths they portray on film.
4. Relationship Turmoil
In horror movies, there is always some tension in the relationship. Maybe the couple recently got in a fight, maybe they're getting a divorce, maybe they are divorced already, maybe their child died, maybe their hamster died, but there are rarely happy couples in a scary movie. It would almost be more startling to have a couple actually get along in a horror film. We'll be so thrown off by their happiness that we won't know what to expect. Yes, screenwriters, we get it, a couple that is distant at the first of the movie will draw closer together because of the horrible events in the plot and that makes for a good character arc, but it's tired, it's old and it needs to go away.
5. Leaving it Open
Filmmakers, haven't we learned anything from Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween and Friday the 13th? If you leave ANY sort of opening for a sequel in your horror film, the sequels will come and they will be horrible. Now, I know that you're trying to get in one last scare to give the audiences something to remember you by, but it's no longer effective. Horror film audiences are expecting the final scare these days. Let the movie end! Make one good horror movie and leave it at that. If you have an inkling to do another horror movie, or if the crowd is crying for more, do something crazy - try something different. Create a new story with new characters and new scares. Horror sequels are rarely, if ever, good; don't give Hollywood the opportunity to take something good and scary and repeatedly water it down and stretch it out.
6. Mirror Scares
This video, made by Rich Juzwiak, is all the explanation I need to give here:
Case closed.
Hollywood filmmakers, please take note; every one of your horror movies would be better without these tiredly overdone redundant and repetitive cliches. . . .but you can keep casting the unrealistically attractive girls. We don't mind that.
Just this past week I was watching a scary movie with my wife (who doesn't do well with horror films) and as a character explored his dark house, the soundtrack suddenly went silent - I told my wife to close her eyes and, sure enough, a ghost popped out. My wife was still startled by the noise of it all, but at least she won't be dreaming about that ghost woman's face and she won't wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me how she blames me for her nightmare.
The point of that story isn't to say that I am a horror movie genius (even though I am, of course), but rather that modern horror movies are too predictable. Certain aspects of the horror genre have become a staple for uncreative writers and directors to try and build suspense or help move the plot forward.
Certain cliches don't bother me that much. For example, I don't mind that girls are unrealistically attractive in scary films (love you, dear!) and I don't care if we all know that the person they're trying to make us think is the killer isn't really the killer (they can still surprise us with who it actually is), but certain movie cliches just need to go. The following list includes six current horror movie standards that are completely annoying. These cliched moments/plot points/gimmicks pull the viewer out of the movie and into the realm of skeptical disbelief.
Here they are, in some particular order:
1. The Creepy Insightful Kid
When I say "creepy kid," I am not referring to Samara from The Ring or Gage from Pet Sematary. I'm referring to the weird, pale child who seems to have some knowledge as to what is going on - even if there is no logical reason they should know what is going on. While all the adult characters are freaking out, this creepy kid is level-headed, staring off into the distance and explaining exactly what is happening and what people should/shouldn't do. Now, I have kids, and I'm pretty sure if ghosts were invading my house, they would be crying and screaming and running around the house. But, then again, they act like that most of the time anyway. Yes, Hollywood, we get it, kids are creepy in horror films - but every child does not always need to be dark, brooding, disturbed and have some sort of connection to the other side. Sometimes, kids should just be kids.
2. Jump Outs Galore!!!
There is a difference between startling someone and scaring someone. It always bugs me when a trailer or promotional video for a movie shows the audience jumping in their seats while watching the film to prove how scary it is. Any idiot can startle someone, people do it on America's Funniest Home Videos all the time. Nonetheless, certain movies will constantly startle audiences over and over, but not giving them any real fright. Now, don't get me wrong, I think a jump-out moment every now and then is an excellent release to well-done built-up suspense, but movies shouldn't do it too much. Those overdone startling moments are only a step above jumping out and yelling "Boo!" at the audience. Creating an atmosphere of fear is much more memorable than making someone constantly jump in a fleeting moment of fright.
3. Torture Porn
The first Saw movie was a clever and interesting psychological thriller. After that, the series turned into the "Watch the different horrible ways we can kill people" movies. Saw wasn't the first film series to do this; after all, slasher films have been around since the 70s, but Saw was the movie that spawned dozens of copycat films - none of which have any real horror substance. Gore does not equal terror. Gore will make audiences cringe, blood may make viewers squirm in their seats, but it isn't scary. It's shock-horror. It's the same principle as the gross-out comedies - let's disturb the audience by showing them something extreme in order to get a reaction. This isn't real fear, it's a gimmicky shortcut. It's simple to get a reaction when you show someone getting sliced in half, but that reaction won't be fear, it will be disgust. Real fear comes from tension and suspense. Real terror makes you turn on your lights at night after you get home from watching the movie. I might add that some of the most terrifying deaths in film happen off screen, because sometimes your mind can create something much more horrible than what they could actually show in the film. Please, Hollywood, please stop confusing torture porn with real horror movies. Also, you might want to closely monitor the makers of these movies; they have to be seriously disturbed to come up with some of the deaths they portray on film.
4. Relationship Turmoil
In horror movies, there is always some tension in the relationship. Maybe the couple recently got in a fight, maybe they're getting a divorce, maybe they are divorced already, maybe their child died, maybe their hamster died, but there are rarely happy couples in a scary movie. It would almost be more startling to have a couple actually get along in a horror film. We'll be so thrown off by their happiness that we won't know what to expect. Yes, screenwriters, we get it, a couple that is distant at the first of the movie will draw closer together because of the horrible events in the plot and that makes for a good character arc, but it's tired, it's old and it needs to go away.
5. Leaving it Open
Filmmakers, haven't we learned anything from Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween and Friday the 13th? If you leave ANY sort of opening for a sequel in your horror film, the sequels will come and they will be horrible. Now, I know that you're trying to get in one last scare to give the audiences something to remember you by, but it's no longer effective. Horror film audiences are expecting the final scare these days. Let the movie end! Make one good horror movie and leave it at that. If you have an inkling to do another horror movie, or if the crowd is crying for more, do something crazy - try something different. Create a new story with new characters and new scares. Horror sequels are rarely, if ever, good; don't give Hollywood the opportunity to take something good and scary and repeatedly water it down and stretch it out.
6. Mirror Scares
This video, made by Rich Juzwiak, is all the explanation I need to give here:
Case closed.
Hollywood filmmakers, please take note; every one of your horror movies would be better without these tiredly overdone redundant and repetitive cliches. . . .but you can keep casting the unrealistically attractive girls. We don't mind that.
Monday, October 18, 2010
11 Kid Movies that Still Scare Me as an Adult
I like horror movies, believe it or not. I'm always excited to see what the next big scary film is going to be, so I can add it to my horror movie collection. But sometimes I don't need something new and over-the-top creepy to make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Sometimes all I need is to revisit the movies of my childhood.
So now, faithful readers, I'd like to present to you eleven kid movies that still scare me as an adult. What makes it a "kid movie," you may ask? Well, it usually means a G or PG-rated movie that I watched as a child. Hopefully at least one of these films still scares you, too, otherwise I'm going to look like quite the pansy.
So without further ado, here they are in order of their fear factor:
11. The Witches
I loved reading this book as a kid, so when the movie came out I was really excited to see it. I was not prepared for what I was about to see. The witches in the movie were truly horrifying. Anjelica Huston, specifically, haunted my nightmares with her long, pointy nose, purple eyes and grotesque skin. To this day, my skin starts to crawl when the witches lock the doors of the conference room and start taking off their shoes, gloves and wigs. *shudder* To this day, I'll yank on the hair of any woman who is wearing gloves. . .just to be sure.
10. Garfield's Halloween Adventure
This 1985 made-for-TV movie may have been forgotten by many, but not by me. Cliched jokes and catchy songs aside, this television special always makes me feel like I'm back in my 4th grade class, fearing that the ghost pirates are going to end up in my house or that I would run into real monsters while trick or treating. I actually did have a couple nightmares where I relived the moment when Gar-Halloween-field and Odie are hiding in the cupboard and the ghost pirate suddenly pops his head in. Yes, it's only a half-hour long, but that's plenty enough to get me into the Halloween spirit.
9. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
In case you can never remember which one is which here's a tip: The one called "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" focuses more on Charlie, whereas the one called "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" gives more background on Willy Wonka. Now you know. Regardless of which version you go with, it's always a little disturbing to have children punished in various, horrible ways in a candy factory. However, it is the 1971 version that has that freaky tunnel scene right after Augustus gets sucked into the river of reddish (probably blood) chocolate. I don't know which screenwriter was on acid, but no kid should have to see a millipede crawl across a dude's face, a giant eyeball and a chicken getting beheaded while some dude is singing/screaming at them in the midst of flashing, colored lights. That scene is messed up and it still gives me the willies (pun intended).
8. E.T.
Most people get warm, fuzzy feelings when they think about this movie. They think of cute little Drew Barrymore, they think of the iconic flying bike scene, they think of a cute little alien with a glowing heart. Me? I think of one scene and one scene only: when Elliott first runs into E.T. in the cornfield. That's right, the part where E.T. makes some weird screaming noise and Eliot screams right back. That part made me cry as a kid and I still want to close my eyes during that scene. The digitally-enhanced version makes that part significantly more cheesy-looking, but if I ever hear that noise E.T. makes while I'm walking through an alley, I can guarantee I will wet myself.
7. The Secret of NIMH
This is a dark, dark movie. Why do we even show it to children? The animation alone is enough to give a kid nightmares! Additionally, it has some very disturbing imagery and themes. Plus, this film is full of freaky eyes. The cat's eyes are freaky, the owl's eyes are freaky, the old rat's eyes are freaky, it's not normal to draw animals like that! Plus, it deals with animal experimentation and a lot of characters die! The owl chomping down on that bug is disgustingly horrifying. Even the comic relief of Jeremy the crow can't keep this movie from giving me the creeps.
6. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
Pee-Wee Herman is inherently creepy, but he's not the reason this movie made my list of creepy kid movies. I think you all know the reason that Pee-Wee's Big Adventure is scary - say it with me: Large Marge. That scene in the movie is horrifying beginning to end! The music, the story, the way Large Marge tells the story, Pee-Wee's reaction, the lighting. . .it is all prepping you for that horrible moment when her face transforms into clay animation terrification! I remember avoiding taking a shower one night because I was convinced that Large Marge was going to be in the bathroom (she's a trucker, she hangs out at rest stops. . .it makes sense, right?). This film was Tim Burton's and Danny Elfman's big break as masters of the macabre, and I'd like to think that Large Marge had a little to do with that.
5. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
I find Disney's animated adaptation of Washington Irving's story to be much more terrifying than the Tim Burton version. Bing Crosby should have made an album telling scary stories, he has a knack for it. This whole animated short gives me the shivers. I still get goosebumps when Ichabod is riding through the dark forest near the end. It just does a great job of setting the mood for the upcoming arrival of the headless horseman. They try and put a little comic relief in during the chase, but it only enhances the fear. After all, when people laugh, they open up their emotions, which is a perfect time to strike with a scare. This one is a Halloween must and it's the one I plan to use to teach my kids to like horror movies - either this or Michael Jackson's Thriller.
4. Darby O' Gill and the Little People
Beware the Banshee! I usually watch this one during the St. Patrick's season, but it would also be appropriate for October because of those two horrifying moments when that terrible specter manifests herself. Some people say that the special effects aren't that good, but I think the shoddy special effects of the late 50's only make her more terrifying. The multicolored horse is freaky, too, but every time I hear the mournful wail in the background of the movie, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I cannot confirm nor deny that I close my eyes when Darby opens the door, knowing the banshee is outside to take Katie away and we get to see a close-up of her horrible face. Thank goodness my fears are soon washed away by the soothing singing of Sean Connery.
3. Willow
This bizarre and twisted tale came from (where else?) George Lucas' head. Directed by Ron Howard, this fantasy film had a number of things that would haunt a child's dreams. Bavmorda, the evil queen, was frightening herself, but Patricia Hayes, the good sorceress, who is supposed to be our friend in the movie, is also terrifying. Then you have those hairy trolls crawling all over the walls who then morph into a giant two-headed fire-breathing monstrosity. However, the most disturbing part for me, still, is when Bavmorda turns our heroes into pigs. I'm not scared of humans, normally, and I'm not scared of pigs, normally, but it's that weird in between point that really freaks me out. It looks like a really painful transformation. Many people like Willow, and I do, too, but it still gives me the creeps.
2. The Dark Crystal
This film shows that Jim Henson had a dark side. This is a trippy and disturbing film. I remember being terrified as a kid that my soul would be sucked out through my eyes, and I'm pretty sure those spider-like Garthim and the vulture-like Skeksis came from someone's nightmares. And don't even get me STARTED on Aughra, the one-eyed scary seer lady! I still have a hard time watching this film as an adult. It's just such a stressful and upsetting story. I know that there are people out there who like this film, but I just don't think I'll ever show it to my children. Or maybe I will, but it will be a punishment. "You'd better stop throwing your food on the floor or I'll make you watch The Dark Crystal." "No, Dad! We'll be good, we swear!" Problem solved.
1. Watcher in the Woods
This is one of the few PG-rated horror movies out there, so it's one of the few that my parents would let me rent for sleepovers when I was a kid. It is truly frightening. They don't pull any punches in this film just because it is a Disney movie. I had nightmares about the old woman with Bette Davis eyes pushing me down into the water, about the blindfolded girl talking to me in a mirror and about my siblings suddenly saying "Nerak" in a creepy low voice. Yes, this film still scares me - I'll admit it. Although, I will admit that it got a little less scary when I watched the deleted scene where they actually show the Watcher. It looked a little too muppet-y to me. I'm not saying I wouldn't be freaked out if that thing was hovering above my bed, but sometimes things are more scary when they're not completely visible.
So there you go. Call me a fraidy cat if you want, but parts of these movies still scare me. They're not as frightening as some of the horror movies I've enjoyed as an adult, but every now and then these movies will make me want to turn on a bunch of lights in my home when I'm getting ready for bed. After all, who knows when something from my childhood will come back to haunt me?
So now, faithful readers, I'd like to present to you eleven kid movies that still scare me as an adult. What makes it a "kid movie," you may ask? Well, it usually means a G or PG-rated movie that I watched as a child. Hopefully at least one of these films still scares you, too, otherwise I'm going to look like quite the pansy.
So without further ado, here they are in order of their fear factor:
11. The Witches
I loved reading this book as a kid, so when the movie came out I was really excited to see it. I was not prepared for what I was about to see. The witches in the movie were truly horrifying. Anjelica Huston, specifically, haunted my nightmares with her long, pointy nose, purple eyes and grotesque skin. To this day, my skin starts to crawl when the witches lock the doors of the conference room and start taking off their shoes, gloves and wigs. *shudder* To this day, I'll yank on the hair of any woman who is wearing gloves. . .just to be sure.
10. Garfield's Halloween Adventure
This 1985 made-for-TV movie may have been forgotten by many, but not by me. Cliched jokes and catchy songs aside, this television special always makes me feel like I'm back in my 4th grade class, fearing that the ghost pirates are going to end up in my house or that I would run into real monsters while trick or treating. I actually did have a couple nightmares where I relived the moment when Gar-Halloween-field and Odie are hiding in the cupboard and the ghost pirate suddenly pops his head in. Yes, it's only a half-hour long, but that's plenty enough to get me into the Halloween spirit.
9. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
In case you can never remember which one is which here's a tip: The one called "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" focuses more on Charlie, whereas the one called "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" gives more background on Willy Wonka. Now you know. Regardless of which version you go with, it's always a little disturbing to have children punished in various, horrible ways in a candy factory. However, it is the 1971 version that has that freaky tunnel scene right after Augustus gets sucked into the river of reddish (probably blood) chocolate. I don't know which screenwriter was on acid, but no kid should have to see a millipede crawl across a dude's face, a giant eyeball and a chicken getting beheaded while some dude is singing/screaming at them in the midst of flashing, colored lights. That scene is messed up and it still gives me the willies (pun intended).
8. E.T.
Most people get warm, fuzzy feelings when they think about this movie. They think of cute little Drew Barrymore, they think of the iconic flying bike scene, they think of a cute little alien with a glowing heart. Me? I think of one scene and one scene only: when Elliott first runs into E.T. in the cornfield. That's right, the part where E.T. makes some weird screaming noise and Eliot screams right back. That part made me cry as a kid and I still want to close my eyes during that scene. The digitally-enhanced version makes that part significantly more cheesy-looking, but if I ever hear that noise E.T. makes while I'm walking through an alley, I can guarantee I will wet myself.
7. The Secret of NIMH
This is a dark, dark movie. Why do we even show it to children? The animation alone is enough to give a kid nightmares! Additionally, it has some very disturbing imagery and themes. Plus, this film is full of freaky eyes. The cat's eyes are freaky, the owl's eyes are freaky, the old rat's eyes are freaky, it's not normal to draw animals like that! Plus, it deals with animal experimentation and a lot of characters die! The owl chomping down on that bug is disgustingly horrifying. Even the comic relief of Jeremy the crow can't keep this movie from giving me the creeps.
6. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
Pee-Wee Herman is inherently creepy, but he's not the reason this movie made my list of creepy kid movies. I think you all know the reason that Pee-Wee's Big Adventure is scary - say it with me: Large Marge. That scene in the movie is horrifying beginning to end! The music, the story, the way Large Marge tells the story, Pee-Wee's reaction, the lighting. . .it is all prepping you for that horrible moment when her face transforms into clay animation terrification! I remember avoiding taking a shower one night because I was convinced that Large Marge was going to be in the bathroom (she's a trucker, she hangs out at rest stops. . .it makes sense, right?). This film was Tim Burton's and Danny Elfman's big break as masters of the macabre, and I'd like to think that Large Marge had a little to do with that.
5. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
I find Disney's animated adaptation of Washington Irving's story to be much more terrifying than the Tim Burton version. Bing Crosby should have made an album telling scary stories, he has a knack for it. This whole animated short gives me the shivers. I still get goosebumps when Ichabod is riding through the dark forest near the end. It just does a great job of setting the mood for the upcoming arrival of the headless horseman. They try and put a little comic relief in during the chase, but it only enhances the fear. After all, when people laugh, they open up their emotions, which is a perfect time to strike with a scare. This one is a Halloween must and it's the one I plan to use to teach my kids to like horror movies - either this or Michael Jackson's Thriller.
4. Darby O' Gill and the Little People
Beware the Banshee! I usually watch this one during the St. Patrick's season, but it would also be appropriate for October because of those two horrifying moments when that terrible specter manifests herself. Some people say that the special effects aren't that good, but I think the shoddy special effects of the late 50's only make her more terrifying. The multicolored horse is freaky, too, but every time I hear the mournful wail in the background of the movie, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I cannot confirm nor deny that I close my eyes when Darby opens the door, knowing the banshee is outside to take Katie away and we get to see a close-up of her horrible face. Thank goodness my fears are soon washed away by the soothing singing of Sean Connery.
3. Willow
This bizarre and twisted tale came from (where else?) George Lucas' head. Directed by Ron Howard, this fantasy film had a number of things that would haunt a child's dreams. Bavmorda, the evil queen, was frightening herself, but Patricia Hayes, the good sorceress, who is supposed to be our friend in the movie, is also terrifying. Then you have those hairy trolls crawling all over the walls who then morph into a giant two-headed fire-breathing monstrosity. However, the most disturbing part for me, still, is when Bavmorda turns our heroes into pigs. I'm not scared of humans, normally, and I'm not scared of pigs, normally, but it's that weird in between point that really freaks me out. It looks like a really painful transformation. Many people like Willow, and I do, too, but it still gives me the creeps.
2. The Dark Crystal
This film shows that Jim Henson had a dark side. This is a trippy and disturbing film. I remember being terrified as a kid that my soul would be sucked out through my eyes, and I'm pretty sure those spider-like Garthim and the vulture-like Skeksis came from someone's nightmares. And don't even get me STARTED on Aughra, the one-eyed scary seer lady! I still have a hard time watching this film as an adult. It's just such a stressful and upsetting story. I know that there are people out there who like this film, but I just don't think I'll ever show it to my children. Or maybe I will, but it will be a punishment. "You'd better stop throwing your food on the floor or I'll make you watch The Dark Crystal." "No, Dad! We'll be good, we swear!" Problem solved.
1. Watcher in the Woods
This is one of the few PG-rated horror movies out there, so it's one of the few that my parents would let me rent for sleepovers when I was a kid. It is truly frightening. They don't pull any punches in this film just because it is a Disney movie. I had nightmares about the old woman with Bette Davis eyes pushing me down into the water, about the blindfolded girl talking to me in a mirror and about my siblings suddenly saying "Nerak" in a creepy low voice. Yes, this film still scares me - I'll admit it. Although, I will admit that it got a little less scary when I watched the deleted scene where they actually show the Watcher. It looked a little too muppet-y to me. I'm not saying I wouldn't be freaked out if that thing was hovering above my bed, but sometimes things are more scary when they're not completely visible.
So there you go. Call me a fraidy cat if you want, but parts of these movies still scare me. They're not as frightening as some of the horror movies I've enjoyed as an adult, but every now and then these movies will make me want to turn on a bunch of lights in my home when I'm getting ready for bed. After all, who knows when something from my childhood will come back to haunt me?
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