Monday, November 9, 2009

And I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse!

We all can agree that Twilight is awful.

So I'm not going to take up a bunch of time in this post about how it is poorly written, folkloreickly inaccurate (yes, I just made up the word "folkloreickly" and I'm ok with that and am sure it will catch on with the tweens), irresponsible, pornographic, long-winded, pretentious pseudo-literature. I will also stay away from the fact that it has caused unrealistic expectations in "grown" women about what their boyfriends/husbands should be like. And I won't even mention how it gives jerk boyfriends/husbands a free pass to act like jerk husbands/boyfriends because, apparently, that is what women want/need. I like to use slashes.

No, I'm not going to talk about any of that, because the situation has just gotten much, much worse.

"What can be worse than Twilight, The Former 786?" you may ask. A very good question, my friend. Faithful reader, Jeff Tromphlin, shared with me an animated comic from Bluewater Productions. No, this is not a comic version of Twilight. This is the "world’s first biographical motion comic" about the life of Stephenie Meyer. That's right, it's about the poorly dressed, folkloreickly inaccurate (See? It's catching on already!), irresponsible, pornographic, long-winded, pretentious pseudo-author. "Harsh!" you say?

Check out this synopsis and judge for yourself:

I'll let you digest that for a moment.

Done vomiting? Ok, then.

May I say it seems weird that Dracula is the one narrating this story, when Ms. Meyer pretty much took Bram Stoker's creation and threw glitter and bows all over it.

This comic comes from a Bluewater Productions' series called "Female Force" which claims to be a "broad examination of strong women in politics." And Stephenie Meyer fits in that category. . .how. . .? I guess the tale of her life wasn't that interesting because the animated comic also throws in the history of Forks, Washington - a city where. . .well, nothing has really happened.

Her story is pretty much this: Stephenie Meyer went to college. One night, she had a crazy dream about a sexy vampire who didn't follow any of the rules vampires normally do and was a combination of abusive boyfriends from her past. Oh, and he sparkled, too. So Stephenie decided to write down the dream and then sell it. The End.

Wow, I should be a writer for Bluewater Productions. Although I hear they don't pay that well.

So that's that. Sorry if this entry seems a little bitter. It's late, I'm tired, and this stupid Twilight craze just won't go away.



Andrea said...

Stephanie Meyers is the epitome of everything I find wrong and evil in this world. I agree with every single word you said.

Sara Ann said...

Um, that trailer was the most boring thing I have ever watched. Is there really a whole movie? Snore.

The Former 786 said...

I'm glad we're on the same page on this one, Andrea. It's not often that we agree, but I'm happy when we do.

And what, Sara Ann??? You didn't find the plot twist at the end of what she finally decided to major in AMAZING?? Odd. :)

shelly said...

1st-That was 3 minutes I will never get back and I blame you.
2nd-Do you think they are looking for a foley artist because that was wicked awesome sound effects. Too bad about the pay.
3rd-Dracula is one of my favorite books because it is about strong, moral people fighting evil. Twilight is not because morals are far too relative.

Lobbie said... What a way to make me totally uninterested in that comic. But my biggest question is: What was Dracula scratching off his head in the beginning? Was that dandruff? But his skin never dies, so what was he really scratching off?

The Former 786 said...

Shelly, that was a very good contrast between Dracula and Twilight. May I use that?

And Lobbie, that question was deep. Really deep! Could be bed bugs, but what would they be sucking?