Monday, December 31, 2012

2012: Someone Else's Look Back

2012 is done.

We made it, faithful readers - and no thanks to John Cusack.

We finished out the year that the Mayans thought would be our end. I guess that will teach them to have Harold Camping lead up their calendar project (ZING!). I, of course, knew that the world wasn't going to end in 2012 because Marty McFly visited the year 2015 -- and we only have two more years for those hoverboards to become a reality.

Now while I could do an end-of-year post, reflecting on the good times of 2012 and the bad, it would pale in comparison of Dave Barry's Year in Review. For those of you who don't know who Dave Barry is, shame on you. For those of you who do know Dave Barry, you're still mourning the loss of his regular humor column and relish in his annual contributions, such as his holiday gift guide and, of course, the Year in Review. Dave Barry's writing style is the one I wished to emulate when I started Slice of Fried Gold. And here we are four years later I still am in awe about how insightful Dave is, as well as how sharp his wit still is, even though he's well into his 90s by now, right?

So, without further ado, I present to you Dave Barry's Year in Review for your reading pleasure.



What? You didn't click the embedded link above or the picture yet? You still need a little incentive? Ok, here are some brief excerpts to wet your whistle:

"The emerging front runner is Mitt Romney, who combines a strong resume of executive experience with the easygoing natural human warmth of a parking meter. Still in contention, however, is Newt Gingrich, whose popularity surges briefly, only to wane when voters begin to grasp the fact that he is Newt Gingrich. This opens the door for Rick Santorum, whose strong suit is that he has a normal first name, and who apparently at one point was a senator or governor of Pennsylvania or possibly Vermont."


"In Spain and Greece, hundreds of thousands of people take to the streets in protest against government-imposed austerity measures necessitated by the fact that for the past five years pretty much nobody in Spain or Greece has done anything except take to the streets in protest."

"In sports, the National Football League imposes stiff penalties on the New Orleans Saints following the shocking revelation that some Saints players might have deliberately committed acts of violence against opposing players for monetary gain, which is of course totally contrary to the spirit of professional football. Commissioner Roger Goodell states that the NFL is also investigating disturbing allegations that players sometimes deliberately knock their opponents to the ground via a violent tactic known as 'tackling.'"

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/12/29/v-fullstory/3160638/dave-barrys-year-in-review.html#storylink=cpy

"A tragic fatal drama plays out on the streets of New York City, where police officers fire 183 bullets into a man who, according to witnesses, was about to take a sip from a Big Gulp, which he apparently obtained in New Jersey. The shooting is defended by Mayor Bloomberg, who notes that if the officers had not acted quickly, the man 'could have placed himself in very real danger of becoming obese.'"

"Apple releases the much-anticipated iPhone 5, which receives some criticism for its glitchy map software and the fact that it uses a different connector from all the other iPhones and iPhone accessories. Also, it can neither make nor receive telephone calls. Nevertheless, it is a big hit with Apple fans, who line up to buy it even as they eagerly anticipate the forthcoming iPhone 5s, which, rumor has it, will require 3D glasses."

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/12/29/v-fullstory/3160638/dave-barrys-year-in-review.html#storylink=cpy

Happy New Year, faithful readers!

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/12/29/v-fullstory/3160638/dave-barrys-year-in-review.html#storylink=cpy

Read morhttp://www.miamiherald.com/2012/12/29/v-fullstory/3160638/dave-barrys-year-in-review.html#storylink=cpy"
 
 


Read 
"New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, having dealt with all of the city’s other concerns — disaster preparation, for example — turns his attention to the lone remaining problem facing New Yorkers: soft drinks. For far too long, these uncontrolled beverages have roamed the city in vicious large-container packs, forcing innocent people to drink them and become obese. Bloomberg’s plan would prohibit the sale of soft drinks in containers larger than 16 ounces, thereby making it impossible to consume larger quantities, unless, of course, somebody bought two containers, but the mayor is confident that nobody except him would ever be smart enough to think of that.

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/12/29/v-fullstory/3160638/dave-barrys-year-in-review.html#storylink=cpy
more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/12/29/v-fullstory/3160638/dave-barrys-year-in-review.html#storylink=cpy"


Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/12/29/v-fullstory/3160638/dave-barrys-year-in-review.html#storylink=cpy

Monday, December 24, 2012

Ho-Ho-AAAAAAAAAAAAND THEY'RE STILL SCARED OF SANTA!!!!

If you're a faithful reader of this blog (and let's face it, who isn't?), then you've come to expect the annual post where I show pictures of children who are scared of Santa and then add a silly caption. After all, I've done it for the last four years. Well, I am a slave for tradition, so here we go again.

Bring it on, Santa!

Santa was pleasantly surprised to find the youngest chimney sweep in London.

Give that Santa a cookie - he deserves it.

"Qu'est-ce. . . qui ĂȘtes-vous?"

Julian found it hard to do the YMCA when he was clinging on for dear life.

Kayla and Gavin were horrified to find that Santa had a series of notebooks on their misdoings of the past year.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Lily's attempt at camouflaging her face to match her dress was 80% complete.

"Mom! Santa just slurred my name!"

"Pssh! That's my sister, Maggie. Always making a big deal out of nothing. Typical."

Seriously?! Brenda, please don't turn around.

"Mommy! The REAL Santa would be able to wrap presents better than that!"

Zane, you're doing great. Santa, can we try it again, but with a little less leering?

No matter how fancy the border was, Lexi and Amanda would not be placated.
Britney was not a fan of the smell of bourbon.
"Save me. Leave the other one."

Merry Christmas, faithful readers. Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

Monday, December 17, 2012

A Moment of Reflection

This week's post was originally going to be something humorous and Christmas-related, but, instead, I'd like to take a moment and acknowledge those who won't be able to celebrate Christmas with their families this year. While this blog is rarely serious, the tragic events at Sandy Hook Elementary this past weekend affected me deeply, and I wanted to do something, even if it's nothing more than a passing moment on a generally unnoticed blog, to honor their memory.

 

This image came from a website called The High Definite and it portrays the exact sentiment I wish to express -- that we should remember and honor those that died in this tragedy, while giving no publicity to the shooter. That murderer does not deserve fame. That horrible person deserves to be forgotten. 

To those that lost loved ones because of the terrible events in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14th, 2012, I express to you my heartfelt sympathies. You are in my prayers.

Slice of Fried Gold will be back next week with its regular merriment and hyperlinks.

Monday, December 10, 2012

We'll Leave the Light on For You

I'm not much of a world traveler, but I have been to 34 different states in the U.S. And in my travels I have found that 1. I get motion sickness if I read, if the car is too warm, if I eat a lot of gummy candies or if there is a strong, consistent odor (like that of gummy candies) and 2. I like staying in hotels. I even like staying in low-quality dive hotels, because I think it will make for a great story later on. Hotels are just fun.

Themed hotels are even more fun! I love staying in a room that doesn't feel like it was made for a business man on a business trip doing business things. A little room personality goes a long way for me. Here are a couple hotel rooms that I'm currently trying to convince my wife to stay in, should we ever travel to these locations.

Editor's note: She's already ruled out the the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast a while back. Darn.

First of all, we have an odd hotel choice in Tasmania. Haydn Pearce, a local businessman and hotel owner is hoping to take an old, abandoned psychiatric hospital and turn it into a successful hotel -- does this sound like the beginning of a horror movie to anyone else? Anyway, Pearce is specifically looking to take the morgue of the hospital and make it into hotel rooms where guests will sleep on concrete slabs. Take a look:




Comfy? No. Morbidly interesting? Yes. Cheap? Let's hope so.

But if a morgue is a little too dark for you, turn on the lights. ZING! I'm kidding. But I understand that not everyone would be up for sleeping on a slab. I can practically feel my wife vetoing the morgue hotel already. But I honestly cannot see how she could refuse this next hotel.

The Eden Hotel in Taiwan has a room that is perfect for any dark night.





 See, honey? They have a jacuzzi! And it's only 50 bucks per 3 hours!

My thanks to, alert reader, Kent for alerting me about this amazing Batman hotel room. Now if they'd just get one of these in one of the 16 states I have yet to visit.

Monday, December 3, 2012

"Assustar" is Portuguese for "To Scare"

I'm not a hipster, therefore I am perfectly okay with posting something that has become popular. For example, I am one of the few people who still admit that they like Gangnam Style. Plus, this blog's original intent was to keep track of things that I found interesting, and this video is definitely worth saving. So if you've already seen this video, faithful readers, enjoy it once more -- if you haven't seen it, you're in for a treat. . .a Brazilian treat.



Brazilians are known for soccer, guarana, being obnoxious, samba, carnival and girls from Ipanema. However, they haven't been really well known for their practical jokes, until now. Check out this hilarious hidden camera prank they pulled on a few unsuspecting citizens.



Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Bem feito, Brasil!

Now, even though I speak Portuguese, I still can't quite figure out certain aspects of this video.
  1. Where did these people think they were actually going?
  2. How did they make them think the elevator was actually moving?
  3. How did the girl see her way around in the dark?
  4. Why did no one take a swing at the ghost? Not that I wanted them to hit an innocent little girl, but some people react in that manner when they are frightened.
  5. What show was this for?
If any of you faithful readers know the answers to any of these questions, please let me know. Understanding this video will help the nightmares stop.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Leaf Me Alone!

I have two pine trees in my backyard (or "conifers," as my 5-year-old likes to call them), so I don't get the joy of raking leaves into piles every fall.

Yes, faithful readers, you heard me right. I said joy. I loved raking leaves as a kid because 1. It meant Halloween was close and 2. It meant I would soon be jumping into piles of leaves.

I remember climbing up a tree in my grandparents' yard after placing a huge pile of leaves below and jumping from the seventh-highest branch on the tree (I was a bit of a chicken). I loved feeling the leaves crunching below me as I descended into the crispy pile -- even if I always thought the inside of a leaf pile smelled like cat poo.

My grandparents' had a bunch of trees in their backyard, and I always thought that my leaf piles were huge. That is, until, I saw this video:



Impressive fellas.

But what did you do with them afterwards?

Monday, November 19, 2012

I Can Mash Potato

Now here's a twist on an old favorite. Remember a while back when I told you about the cupcake vending machine and the meat vending machine? Well, apparently there are mashed potato vending machines.

Take a look.


Mmmmm. Looks. . .vendy. . .

I will admit that I have been disappointed by unusual vending machines before. There was that vending machine that dispensed hot pizza -- I was so excited, but the pizza was way too small and it tasted just like microwaved pizza rolls. And something about this video of the machine at work just doesn't seem right.



It just seems so. . .watery and icky.

Maybe it's just because it's the Thanksgiving season, but I'd probably still try it. Mashed potatoes and gravy, after all, are almost my favorite part of the Thanksgiving meal. If I had to rank them it would be 1. Turkey (white meat followed by dark meat) 2. Mashed Potatoes and gravy 3. Rolls 4. Pie 5. Sweet Potato Souffle 6. Everything else 7. Cranberry-related items.

Anyway, back to the story at hand. Would you try it? Think how easy a vended holiday meal would be! Hit the meat vending machine, grab some potatoes for a side and then hit the cupcake vending machine on the way home. Boom! Saddest. . .Thanksgiving. . .ever. . .

Yikes. . .

Please don't vend Thanksgiving, faithful readers. If you don't have a place to eat real Thanksgiving food, just come on over to our celebration. I'm sure my mother-in-law won't mind.

Monday, November 12, 2012

LEGO My Batcave

Nerds, get your saliva glands ready. This one is drool-worthy!

So there are two things almost every boy likes when they're young: LEGOs and Batman (girls and bacon come later). Well, apparently Carlyle Livingston II and Wayne Hussey never grew up, because they combined these two childhood favorites into one. No, I'm not talking about the LEGO Batman video game, I'm talking about an amazing LEGO Batcave!

Check it out:


Not impressed enough? Ok. Let's take a closer look.






And just in case you want to know how big this thing is by comparison, here are the artists who created this masterpiece.


Carlyle and Wayne spent over 800 hours and used over 20,000 pieces on this LEGO Batcave. It even features lighting and moving parts. You can see more images and even some video on their Flickr page. Genius, fellas. Pure genius -- now get back to your wives and children; I bet they miss you.

Until next week, faithful readers! Same Bat-time! Same Bat-channel!

Monday, November 5, 2012

When You Wish Upon a Star Wars

This week the news was dominated by Hurricane Sandy. For once, weather people felt like their choice of profession was validated. News anchors warned east coast residents to be prepared for the incoming storm, and reporters braved the horrendous conditions to show first-hand the devastation. Sandy took over the radio, the television and social media. Nothing could steal Sandy's thunder (pun intended)!

That is, until Disney bought Lucasfilm for 4.05 billion dollars and they announced Star Wars: Episode VII would be coming out in 2015.

Suddenly Twitter was back to being ruled by the rage-filled nerds it was intended for. Fanboys everywhere wept with joy and terror at what might happen with their beloved franchise. There's been a lot of speculation about what might happen with the future of the Star Wars franchise. Well, faithful readers, I've got some big news -- I used my connections over at Disney and Lucasfilm and got the inside scoop on what is to be expected in Episode 7. Get this -- Since it's a Disney movie it's going to be a musical! Plus, I have an EXCLUSIVE CLIP of the upcoming sequel, sent in by, alert reader, James.

Here's your special exclusive never-before-seen super-secret clip!



I got a bad feeling about this.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Horror Movies So Bad, They're Good

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the worst movies in the world are comedies. It's hard to laugh at someone who thinks they're being funny and failing. On the other hand, a bad horror movie makes an excellent comedy. If a scary movie fails to be scary, it can still be hilarious. So here is a list of horror movies so bad, they're good. Now, faithful readers, this list doesn't include many of the horrible movies featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000, such as Werewolf, Pod People and Manos: The Hands of Fate. These are movies that are enjoyable without aids such as MST3K. I like Manos just as much as the next guy, but without the aid of Joel and the Bots, it's almost unbearable. So, without further ado, here is a list of some awful...ly good horror films.


Troll 2
No list of bad movies would be complete without this stinker. Troll 2 not only has nothing to do with the original Troll movie, but it also doesn't have any trolls in it. This one actually has some decent special effects -- I'm referring to the two tree transformations in the film here -- but it suffers from terrible writing and even worse acting. It's no surprise that no one in this film went on to bigger and better things. But it is amazingly fun to see the actors stumble through this mess. Oddly enough, the director still believes this is a masterpiece. Here's a clip, faithful readers, so you can decide for yourself:

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Birdemic
Sound editing is one of those things we take for granted in film. We assume that we're going to be able to hear the actors, we assume the soundtrack will enhance the mood instead of detracting from it, and we assume the sound effects will fit what is going on. The horrible editing in Birdemic sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm pretty sure they placed the microphones on the actors' shoes in some scenes.  And yes, the acting is as terrible as the special effects. But I couldn't stop laughing at how awful this movie really is, and I've gone out of my way to show friends and family just how bad this movie is. Somewhere, Alfred Hitchcock is rolling in his grave.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Maximum Overdrive
Now, to be fair, Maximum Overdrive scared me as a kid. But once I grew up I realized how ridiculous the idea of trucks, arcade games, bridges and soda machines rising up against us is. The acting is alright, the special effects are decent, but it's the concept that is flawed, and it's the concept that makes this movie a campy classic. Try not to laugh when the electric turkey carver attacks a woman. She yells and screams like Freddy Krueger himself is coming after her, yet all she has to do is take two steps backwards and she'll be fine. Plus, Emilio Estevez is a great coach and even a pretty good outlaw, but he's not a a tough guy and this movie kind of proves that.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Darkness Falls
Of all the movies on this list, Darkness Falls probably has the best production quality and the opening sequence is actually quite terrifying. But the reason this movie makes the list is because of how far it fell after that. It hits on almost every movie cliché in the book (Note: It's actually based on a sub-par short film, not a book) and it quickly delves into the completely ridiculous. My brothers and I had a great time ripping this one apart and by the time it got to the end my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. To this day, the phrase "Stay in the light!" always gets a chuckle in my house. Also, please keep in mind, this movie is about the Tooth Fairy. . .as a killer. . .

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



They Live
I stumbled across They Live on accident late one night. I tried to my best to figure out what this movie was trying to be. I finally decided that it's trying to be a horror movie, but you shouldn't hire a professional wrestler as your leading man if you're trying to scare people - unless you're trying to frighten them with horrible line reading. If you're going to have "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in your movie, you should just stick to extended, obviously staged fight scenes. . . oh wait, they did that, too. Believe it or not, They Live was written and directed by John Carpenter, who has proved himself as a horror writer, but this movie proves that your choice of actors can have a negative (but hilarious) effect on an already weak storyline. I think that's why they gave Mr. Piper so few lines.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



Plan 9 From Outer Space
If Ed Wood's art is making bad movies, Plan 9 from Outer Space is his Sistine Chapel. This movie is so terrible it's sublime. The writing, the acting, the special effects, the editing - everything in this movie misses the mark. It would be hard to intentionally make a film this entertainingly bad. Also, there have been a number of directors who have had an actor die during the filming of a movie, but not many directors have chosen to add in random footage of a recently deceased actor into a movie they weren't in before. And since Ed Wood only had a few shots of the late Bela Lugosi, he had to fill in the rest with his wife's chiropractor, even though he doesn't look anything like Lugosi. That's ok, though, he covers his face for all of his scenes. If you haven't seen this movie yet, you're doing yourself a disservice. Rent it. Watch it. Cringe and enjoy.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:



So there you go. Six completely awful horror movies that I still recommend seeing.

Happy Halloween, faithful readers!

Monday, October 22, 2012

There's An AAAAAAAAAP For That

Faithful readers, when do you start thinking about what you're going to be for Halloween? September? Mid-October? October 31st just before a party? That's fine for you, but as for me and my house, we usually start thinking about Halloween costumes just after the 4th of July. We were originally going to have a family-themed costume where all of us would be characters from Plants vs. Zombies, but my son vetoed that recently (he's three and gets frightened easily) so now we're each scrambling to find a new replacement costume.

I'm going to go as Observer (Brain Guy) from Mystery Science Theater 3000. So, apparently, I'm continuing my trend for the past few years of going as a random television character. My wife still hasn't decided on a costume yet, but I'm sure whatever she picks, she'll look wonderful. My daughter is going as a "cute witch," my other daughter is going as an owl and my son. . .well, he's either going as Spider-Man, Batman, Captain America or "little brain guy." It changes daily.

Anyway, for those of you who are still struggling to find a costume, what if I told you that you could have a unique costume that is sure to turn heads and all you need is a T-shirt, a smartphone and some duct tape?

Check it out:



See? It's simple! Well, I guess it took a NASA engineer to come up with the idea, but he's already done all the hard work! All you have to do is order the shirt from Digitaldudz, download the app and put it together. Or you could even create your own shirt design, if you have those kind of talents, and incorporate one of the apps into that.

It's not too late -- an eye-catching, cutting-edge Halloween costume is only 1 to 5 business days away!

My thanks to, alert reader, Lecia for sending this one in!


Monday, October 15, 2012

We'll Serve Anyone - And To Anyone!

Faithful readers, there have been only a few times when I, myself, have been disturbed by the things I post here on Slice of Fried Gold -- including, but not limited to, SkinBags, Peter Pan, horrible writing, people stuck to toilets, anything relating to Twilight and, of course, the Neti Pot. This post is about to join those ranks.

Now, since I aim to make this blog fun for all ages, I'm going to warn you right now

WARNING: WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE IS PRETTY DARN DISTURBING!

Ok, then.

So, alert reader, Ryan, alerted me that there was something odd going on in East London. Apparently a butcher shop had opened in the Smithfield Meat Market that was serving. . .unusual cuts of meat.

Take a look:







Yeah, I know.

But before you think East London suddenly approved Mrs. Lovett's business license, you should know that:

1. This was just a promotion for Resident Evil 6. As every geek knows, Albert Wesker is one of the main bad guys in the Resident Evil series. And Wesker & Son just has a nice ring to it.

 And

2. This is not real human meat. It's just processed to look like human body parts. The store sold meat to a few deeply disturbed individuals and then it disappeared as quickly as it arrived.

Now, I'm not saying I've never made meatloaf in the shape of an arm or hand before, but this just seems. . .beyond that. You know? You can see more pictures at neatorama.com, but do you really want to see more pictures of faux human cuts of meat?

Although, apparently proceeds from the sale of this cannibalistic cuisine went to help the Limbless Association, a support group for people who have lost limbs. So I guess that makes it less creepy, right? Right?

And the proceeds must be good, because these prime cuts cost. . .wait for it. . .an arm and a leg!

ZING!

(Oh yeah, I went there.)

Monday, October 8, 2012

Romance is Dead. . .Just Kidding!

Russia -- what a country!

In Russia, you can hire stuntmen, make-up artists and a screenwriter to help you with your marriage proposal. These Yes Men will then tell you that faking your own death to help your girlfriend understand what life would be like without you is, in fact, a good idea. But, then again, they'll probably agree to anything you say because you're paying them good money.

So then (once again, faithful readers, in Russia), you can set-up a fake accident scene, complete with blood, broken glass and a smashed up car and arrange it so your girlfriend finds you lying in the middle of the wreckage.

BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!

After your Russian girlfriend is completely horrified by your condition, you can then lead her to an ambulance where you are put inside and a "paramedic" can tell her that you have, in fact, died. Sure, it may completely devastate her emotionally, but she'll be fine what she sees that sparkly rock on her hand, right?

And then, after all that, after all of these horrible ideas come to fruition and you have to wrestle your girlfriend to the ground to stop her from running away, believe it or not, in Russia, the girl will excitedly say "Yes."

Don't believe me? Then watch the video below of Alexey Bykov doing this exact same scenario to Irena Kolokov:



Now, I don't speak Russian, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that she's not yelling "Oh boy! I'm glad that I am dating such a clever man like you!" as she walks away from the ambulance. But she, apparently, forgave him, and she even looked happy and playful at the end. I don't see that kind of scenario working here in America. Heck, my brother got in trouble with his wife just for proposing with a ring that was yellow gold instead of white gold. So, faithful readers, let's just let these kind of proposals stay in Russia and not import them to the United States.

Please?

Monday, October 1, 2012

Movie Trailers that Give Away the Ending

First of all, let me say Happy October, faithful readers! Can you believe it's finally here? Let's get to the semi-quasi-Halloween-related weekly posts!

 So I just saw this trailer for a horror movie called The Bay:


And while I roll my eyes at almost every "found footage film" these days, it was the ending of this trailer that caught my attention. It's not that the final few seconds of this trailer are amazing or even original -- movie trailer viewers expect this kind of stinger these days -- but it reminded me of a horror movie trailer I saw a few years ago:



Now, Quarantine wasn't a horrible film, but this trailer is particularly notorious because ***spoiler alert*** the last shot in the trailer is, in fact, the last shot of the film. Yup. Quarantine ends with that girl getting dragged off into the darkness. It's not a very good ending, but it's what you can expect from the run-of-the-mill found footage films. But why would the trailer makers decide to spoil the ending like that? Probably because it's one of the few memorable shots in the film. However, the ending loses 86% of its power if you've seen the trailer already.

And I have a feeling that the last shot of The Bay trailer is the same story. I haven't seen it yet, so technically that isn't a spoiler, but I'm willing to bet that the final shot of that woman in the car with the zombie-like creature popping up is how the film ends. Anyone want to take me up on that bet?

Anyway, The Bay trailer and its possible relationship to Quarantine led me to think about other movie trailers that give away the ending. Needless to say, this post deserves this kind of disclaimer:

*****WARNING! THIS POST WILL DISCUSS MOVIE TRAILERS THAT GIVE AWAY THE ENDING (AS YOU SHOULD EXPECT FROM THE TITLE OF THIS POST). THEREFORE, THERE IS A STANDING SPOILER ALERT FOR THE REST OF THIS POST!*****


Now, I haven't seen Apparition yet (I've been cautioned by a couple of friends to avoid it, in fact), but I was told that, once again, the last clip of the trailer is, in fact, how the movie ends. Take a look:



So the film apparently ends with a bunch of zombie hands groping Ashley Greene. But the filmmakers didn't stop there; they also spoiled the ending in the poster.

Smooth.

Now, lest you think that this spoiler-trailer-y thing only applies to horror films. Check out this family-friendly classic from the 90s:



Yup. The most iconic shot of Free Willy is, in fact, the moment at the end of the movie when the killer whale is let loose on the open waters once more. And, once again, it's spoiled by the poster as well as the trailer. But, I guess with a title like "Free Willy," you can probably guess that Willy is going to be free at some point in the film.

Back to horror:



Now, I like Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, but I was disappointed by how many deaths were spoiled in the trailer. There are seven people in that group of teens, and the trailer shows how six of them are killed. "But, The Former 786," you exclaim loudly, "this trailer doesn't give away the ending! Why would you include it on this post?" A fair question, faithful reader. My answer is that it's my blog and I can do what I want. Boo-yah.

But let's back to the point at hand:



To be honest, Carrie comes from a time when people were just starting to understand what a movie trailer should be. In the early days of film until about the mid-60s, movie trailers were much longer, much more boring and gave away almost the entire plot of the movie. Still, this movie would have been much more effective on viewers if they didn't know that a blood-soaked Carrie went telekinetically berserk on a room full of prom goers. However, if it wasn't for that part of the trailer, a lot of men probably wouldn't have gone to see it because it would just look like an angsty awkward teen girl film.


But Carrie doesn't give away the stinger ending where ***do I really need to say "spoiler alert" again?*** Carrie's dead hand shoots up from her grave and grabs Sue's arm, So it doesn't give away everything -- that honor belongs to this movie trailer:



Let me just run through how this trailer would play out with someone that hasn't seen the movie yet:

"Yikes! I wonder if he survives that plane crash! Oh. . .I guess he does."

"Hmmm. I wonder if a guy like Tom Hanks could survive on an island like that. Oh. . .I guess he can."

"Ha! He made fire."

"Whoa! He's skinny! I wonder if he's going to try and get off that island. Oh. . .I guess he does."

"I wonder how long he was on that island for. Oh. . .four years."

"And I guess since that guy on the plane is talking to him about getting off the island. . .he must get off the island at some point. Probably four years after he got there."

"It'd probably be hard to adjust to normal life after being on a desert island for four years. Yup. I was right." 

"Oh yeah! Helen Hunt! I wonder if they're going to work out. Well. . .based on her new haircut, probably not."

And then the end of the trailer shows us the very last shot of the film, with Tom Hanks standing at the crossroads, pondering what to do with his life. But Robert Zemeckis probably figured it didn't matter if he gave away the ENTIRE PLOT in the trailer, because people would go see it anyway. And they did.

So, there you have it. These are just a few of the movie trailers that ruin the ending of a film. I'm sure there are others, but I didn't want to dig around too much more on this subject. I don't like getting spoilers for movies I haven't seen. Like that time, years ago, when I mentioned that I wanted to see The Sixth Sense to someone else who hadn't seen the movie (thinking I was safe) and he replied, "Oh, is that the movie where Bruce Willis has a big ol' shotgun wound in his back at the end and you find out he's been dead the whole time?". . . . .

Jerk.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Shame On You, Rover!

I love dogs. I think they're great. They're like really energetic and furry toddlers. Plus, unlike toddlers, dogs won't learn to talk back, and then one day threaten to put you in a home. However, much like toddlers, dogs can get into trouble or get on your nerves once in a while. But no matter how many stern talks you give to your dog, they're not going to understand what you say. They may understand that your tone is angry, but they won't get the gist of your words.

So, what can you do for those disobedient dogs that just won't learn? Why you can publicly shame them, of course! A website called Dog-Shaming.com gives you a chance to humiliate your dog by posting a picture of them with a sign or caption letting the world know what they've done.

Here are some examples:












You can head on over to the website if you want to see more shamed and shameful canines.

And you're a good boy for reading this blog, faithful readers, yes you are! Yes you are!