Monday, December 26, 2011


If you're a faithful reader of this blog - and, let's face it, who isn't? - then you know that each Christmas season for the past few years, I've dedicated a post to Santa Claus and frightened children. Well, I've decided to make it a tradition, so here we go once again.

"Hello, ladies. Look at your Santa, now back to me, now back at your Santa, now back to me."

Madison was not a fan of the movie Fred Claus, and she felt this Santa looked a little TOO much like Paul Giamatti.

Sydney's instincts were right - if the hair doesn't match the beard, it's a fake Santa.

Wyatt was terrified, but his mom was really enjoying the massage from Jolly Old St. Nicholas.


Luckily for Jennifer, she knew about the secret escape chute.


"Whoa! I did NOT sign up for this!"

When Maureen heard Santa say "Now dash away!" she took it literally.

Santa was caught off guard by a sudden warm sensation on his knee.

"Ew! No! Why???"

"Did you see the chompers on this guy, Ma?"

Even Nikki's signature scissor kick was useless against the man in the red suit.

"Ew! He's touching the floor, mom! That means he has germs. Germs, mom! GERMS!"

Santa attempts to quiet the Baker Brothers by bashing their heads together.

Wine & Cheese

When his sister pulled down Santa's beard, DJ knew he'd been taken for a fool.

"Moooooooooom! He smells like reindeer breath!"

Fear - now in 3D!!!

Charlotte knew that the only defense against Santa Claus was a good zombie impersonation.

Asha and Reeyen were not pleased with the American tradition of forcing children to sit on a sweaty man's lap.

"Weeeeeeeeeee! Best roller coaster EVEEEEEER!"

"Find a happy place! I'm in ballet class! That's right, I'm a pretty ballerina in ballet class and not here! Not here!"

That'll teach him.

"Kris Kringle stole my hands!!"

"Say, mista, cantcha help a fella out? I'm dyin' hea, mista!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Morning, Mom. Where are we?"

"Ewww, Dad. He has poo on his lap!"

It's a drive-by frightening.

Margaret was just having a bad hair day and didn't appreciate being photographed.

I call this one "The Kinetic Motion of Fear."


It was bound to happen at some point.

May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Walking in a Miniatur Wunderland

Faithful readers, are you listening?
In this tiny town, LEDs are glistenin'
From, alert reader, Dustin - a post worth discussin'
Here is Hamburg's Miniatur Wunderland!

Caution: This video is rated PG, for brief doll nudity, suggestive van rocking and pervasive German accents.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Make Sure You Get That Copyright Copy Right, Disney

As many of you faithful readers know, here on Slice of Fried Gold we aim to entertain, but we also try to educate every now and then. Today's lesson is a little (lot) of both. Here is a short (10 minute) lesson on copyright laws and fair use, but done in a way that is sure to keep your attention:

Eh? Learned something, didn't you?

We've discussed Disney on this blog before, but I felt that this was an important lesson to learn in this era of YouTube videos and picture-based memes. My thanks to Professor Eric Faden of Bucknell University for making this video and a special thanks to, alert reader, Bethany for sending it in!

Monday, December 5, 2011

If You Gotta Go, Go With A Smile

Faithful readers, do you remember the first time you went on a big roller coaster? I do. It was a moment that was seared into my little kid brain. My dad made me go on one called Colossus the Fire Dragon. I thought I could handle it, but as the coaster started up the initial hill and climbed higher and higher, I freaked out. I started pleading with my dad, asking him to tell the ride operator to stop the coaster - only to realize that my father had no power over the motorized chain pulling us along the track, nor did he have power over the steep drop after the hill, the two 65-foot High-G inversions and two helix turns. I was doomed. I thought I was going to die.

But I didn't die.

Believe it or not, roller coasters are very safe. They're designed to stay on the tracks and keep us securely in our seats. Roller coasters are not designed to kill us. . .except for this one:

Wow. What a way to go.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Gag Me With a Spoon and Leave It In There!

If you asked me what the grossest candy I've ever eaten is (though I don't know exactly why you'd be asking me that, but you have asked me some weird questions in the past), I'd probably have to say that it would be Bertie Bott's sardine-flavored jelly beans, orange sticks (seriously, orange and chocolate flavors should NOT be mixed) or anything pineapple flavored.

But let's move on beyond the superficial aspect of taste. Sometimes taste isn't enough to judge what makes a candy gross. Let's use your other senses, like your sense of sight, your sense of fashion and your sense of common decency. Because I'm pretty sure that this candy violates all of those senses and more.

That's right, faithful readers, for only $17.99, you can get a box of 12 candy scabs! Yes. Candy scabs.

Lick Your Wounds candy features a plastic bandage that sticks on your arm, with a little compartment for your assortment of sugary blood clots. Simply open the compartment, take a lick and then close it again for future consumption - so not only can you gross other people out while you lick your band-aid, but you can also grow your own bacteria in that moist little compartment and gross out your digestive system.

Not grossed out yet? Well, then here's a close-up picture of the candy, complete with arm hair.

Lick your screen for a virtual taste-test!
You're welcome.

However, I like these posts to appeal to a wide variety of audiences. I know that this will really gross out a certain demographic of my faithful readers, so I've provided an alternate low-impact version of the Lick Your Wounds candy. Here's the gentler, softer Boo Boo Licks candy

Only $9 for six boxes with twelve gummy bandages each. They make great stocking stuffers - just place them on the heel to prevent blisters.

Monday, November 21, 2011

People Are (Still Disturbing) People

We live in a very inconsistent world. The economy is down. Gas prices are up. This year's NBA season didn't happen. The Breaking Dawn movie did happen. However, in a time of turmoil like we have today, it's comforting to know that some things never change. For example, you can always count on the fact that weird people hang out at Walmart. And, once again, this fact is being celebrated by Jessica Frech and her posse.

Remember the original People of Walmart music video? Well, here's round two, sent in by, alert reader, Kim. And, I need to warn you, faithful readers, it is just as horrific as ever.


Monday, November 14, 2011

Man, I Love Being a Nostril

Have you ever been told that you look like a celebrity? I have. Believe it or not, faithful readers, I've been told that I look like Christopher Lambert, Ralph Macchio, Zach Braff and even John Malkovich. While 64% of those are flattering, it's always a little odd to be told that you look like someone else.

Now let's take it one step deeper/weirder. What if I told you that a part of your body looked like a celebrity? Remember these guys?

If you're a child of the 80s or 90s, you probably do, but for those of you born after 1996 let me introduce the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. These guys were the coolest thing since sliced pizza back in the day. Now, does that make it any more flattering when I tell you that you look like one of these heroes in a half shell? Well, not your entire face - just your nose. In fact, based on a website that I recently found, I'd venture to say that everyone's nose has a little bit of Turtle Power.

Check it out:

Adrian's nose is especially good at sniffing out pizza.

Splinter may have been more appropriate, but this works.

Raphael and The Hulk: Distant cousins?

Since this one has no color, do you see John Krasinski as more of a Leonardo or a Donatello?

Michelangelo looks very surprised to be on this face.

Why was Raphael the only turtle with a New York accent?

Get it?

This website, of course, spawned real-life imitations.

Check it! Raphael has chest hair!

Boom! TMNT now appeals to all ages!

If you're up for more bodacious beaks, head on over to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Noses website where, site creator, Simon Fletcher obviously has too much time on his hands.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Calling All Computer Nerds!

Is this really possible?

And this?

I remember the old floppy drives, and I remember the sounds they used to make, but my mind can't conceive how this kind of sound manipulation is possible!

Thanks to alert reader, Mitch, for sending the first video to me and blowing my mind.

So I ask you, faithful nerd readers, explain to me, in terms a 4th grader could understand, how does this work? Is this a real thing that you can do with just a disc and a drive? Or are they cheating somehow? I must know.

Also, would it be possible to do a duet with a floppy drive and a dial-up modem? Just curious.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Back Off, SkinBag!

Faithful readers, I'm going to give you fair warning on this one: the images you're about to see are a little disturbing. If you have a weak stomach, a weak bladder or weak ankles, you may want to leave the room. Don't believe me? Fine, you've been warned. When I ran across this following product a few weeks ago, I have to admit that I didn't think it was real.

"What IS that?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you. It's a laptop bag made out of HUMAN SKIN!!!!

Ok, so it isn't really human skin. But SkinBag, the company responsible for this monstrosity, is determined to make this synthetic material look and feel like human skin. Why? Well, this is how they explain it:

SkinBags are seamless body extensions made of synthetic skin and identifiable by
their wrinkled texture and organic appearance.

Like genuine external organs, the SkinBag bags incorporate our everyday
objects, anticipating the day when biology and digital will merge with pockets
for our electronic devices.

The TrackSuits give a new form of nudity to our social body. This second skin defines
the widened contours of the contemporary identities, including our clothes
and communication extensions of all kinds (money, keys, phones, organizers...).

As a carrier of mutation, the SkinBag symbolises the ambivalence between the basic
natural body, and the optimised prosthetic body.

The tactful alchemy of repulsion and attraction turns these sensual vehicles
into relational activators.

So, in other words, they're completely insane. Don't believe me? Wow, you really are an unbeliever today, aren't you? Well, here are a few of their other products, available on the SkinBag site:

"Smooth and moldable" Skin Blob Bean Bag: $2831
SkinBag Jacket: $849

Creepy Skinned Baby Head Bag: $708

Full Body Skin Suits: Subject to change according to market costs

SkinBag Toilet Paper - JUST FOR DECORATION!: Price unknown

SkinBag Wedding Dress: Price depends on measurements of the deeply disturbed bride.

Skin Burqa: $1274

Happy Halloween, faithful readers!