Monday, November 30, 2009

New Moon in a Nutshell

Now, some people are fans of New Moon and some people are not, some people are Team Edward and some are Team Jacob, but whether you like the Twilight series or you don't, this article (sent to me by, alert reader, Miss Berrie) is quite entertaining!

It comes from the mind of Eric D. Snider, a "freelance writer, critic, columnist, humorist, bon vivant, raconteur and man-about-town," according to his site. I've read his work before, and I quite enjoy it, but this particular article made me guffaw. . .out loud. . .at work.

You can read the article in its entirety and the comments at his official site if you click here, but I just wanted to share a few excerpts from his "rejected" screenplay for New Moon below in hopes that you'll go to his site and read the full article:

By Eric D. Snider

Scene 2

BELLA: Hello, my undead stalker! How are you?

EDWARD: Brooding and tortured as always.

BELLA: Wonderful! Hey, Charlie gave me a camera. Could you, a vampire, please stand here in broad daylight so I can take your photograph? Oh, and hold this cross, this holy water, and this clove of garlic, too.

BRAM STOKER: (turns over in grave)

JACOB: Hey, Bella! Remember me?

BELLA: By the steroids of A-Rod! Jacob, you're huge! I've never seen such a hunky, delicious slab of Indian meat! Tell the women in your village they don't have to go down to the river to do laundry anymore, they can beat their clothes against your abs!

EDWARD: I'm standing right here, Bella.

BELLA: Not now, Powder.

Scene 4

JESSICA: I'm so glad we're hanging out again, Bella! You were such a drag when you were depressed that I'd forgotten what a drag you also are when you're not depressed!

Hey, sour-faced emo chick! Wanna ride on my motorcycle!

Eh, sure, why not?

Bella! Don't do it!

What the eff? Edward?

I'm here in ghost form, or possibly just in your imagination, to warn you against doing things that are obviously stupid and should require no special warning!

I've missed you so much, Ghost Edward! But I'm doing it anyway.

Don't! It's reckless!

More reckless than dating a vampire?

Don't argue with Ghost Edward!

Scene 6

ALICE: Bella, Edward thinks you're dead, and he's going to kill himself! It's just like the end of "Romeo and Juliet," which you happened to be reading earlier in the movie! Who could have foreseen that it would come up again??

BELLA: Well, you, with your psychic powers.

ALICE: Yes. Also, anyone who's ever seen a movie before.

BELLA: We have to get to Italy to stop Edward!

ALICE: What about your father?

BELLA: My what now?

ALICE: Your dad? Charlie?

BELLA: I don't even know who you're talking about.

ALICE: I should warn you, Edward is trying to provoke the Volturi into killing him, and they are not to be messed with. They're creepy, soulless monsters -- and that's just Dakota Fanning.

BELLA: Please, I know all about vampires. They sparkle in the sunlight, they never drink blood, and they listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Duh.

BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)

Like I said, this is just an excerpt, to read the entire hilarious article, just click on the link above, or click right here. Or click this one. Or this one, just for good measure.

Let's keep the Twilight jokes rolling, folks!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Internet Entertainment Flashback!

I was thinking about the past a lot this week, and so I started to seek out some of my old favorite internet videos. It's funny how dumb things can bring back such fond memories. It wasn't easy to find/remember some of them, so I've decided to put six of the shorter videos here so that I can personally keep track of them, and also so you can enjoy them - after all, I aim to keep my readers happy.

Here they are in no particular order:

German Coast Guard

If you haven't seen this commercial yet, it's high time that you did!

Prangstgrup Library Musical
This one is one of the first Flash Mob musicals that I saw - it's old hat now to sing and do choreography in the middle of the unsuspecting public, but I still think this video is clever and the lyrics are catchy, too.

K-Fee Commercial
A nice soothing commercial about a nice soothing product - a seasonal favorite.

Mr. T - Treat Your Mother Right
A catchy (and not outdated at all) music video that teaches us all an important lesson: it's ok to make fun of people as long as you don't make fun of their mother - Be somebody!

Banned XBOX Commercial
The rumors say that this commercial was banned because it was "too violent." I just thought it was hilarious and wished that stuff like this could happen in the real world.

Worst Music Video Ever

I don't think this is, in reality, the worst music video ever, but Danny and Armi's "I Wanna Love You Tender" truly left an impression on my mind. WARNING: YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET THE TUNE OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!

There are some other funny videos that I enjoyed back in the day when You Tube was just a twinkle in some nerd's eye, but, hopefully, this sampling satisfied your humorous craving for now and maybe, just maybe, reminded you of some of your favorite funny videos of yesteryear.

Monday, November 16, 2009

2015 Is Just Around the Corner

When you look at this picture, what do you see?

Robotic crocodile from the future? Horrific dental corrective device? Framework of an Imperial I-class Star Destroyer?

Would you guess comfortable lounge chair?

Ladies, Gentlemen, and robotic crocodiles from the future, I present to you the Hoverit!

For those with short attention spans who just want to know what's going on, I present to you the Hoverit in this video:

And for those of you who want a little more detail (and a little less color), I present it to you in this video:

That's right, it's a chair that balances itself on magnets!

Now, let's phrase that a different way: It's a contoured board. . .that hovers. . . .

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: WE'RE SO CLOSE!!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

And I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse!

We all can agree that Twilight is awful.

So I'm not going to take up a bunch of time in this post about how it is poorly written, folkloreickly inaccurate (yes, I just made up the word "folkloreickly" and I'm ok with that and am sure it will catch on with the tweens), irresponsible, pornographic, long-winded, pretentious pseudo-literature. I will also stay away from the fact that it has caused unrealistic expectations in "grown" women about what their boyfriends/husbands should be like. And I won't even mention how it gives jerk boyfriends/husbands a free pass to act like jerk husbands/boyfriends because, apparently, that is what women want/need. I like to use slashes.

No, I'm not going to talk about any of that, because the situation has just gotten much, much worse.

"What can be worse than Twilight, The Former 786?" you may ask. A very good question, my friend. Faithful reader, Jeff Tromphlin, shared with me an animated comic from Bluewater Productions. No, this is not a comic version of Twilight. This is the "world’s first biographical motion comic" about the life of Stephenie Meyer. That's right, it's about the poorly dressed, folkloreickly inaccurate (See? It's catching on already!), irresponsible, pornographic, long-winded, pretentious pseudo-author. "Harsh!" you say?

Check out this synopsis and judge for yourself:

I'll let you digest that for a moment.

Done vomiting? Ok, then.

May I say it seems weird that Dracula is the one narrating this story, when Ms. Meyer pretty much took Bram Stoker's creation and threw glitter and bows all over it.

This comic comes from a Bluewater Productions' series called "Female Force" which claims to be a "broad examination of strong women in politics." And Stephenie Meyer fits in that category. . .how. . .? I guess the tale of her life wasn't that interesting because the animated comic also throws in the history of Forks, Washington - a city where. . .well, nothing has really happened.

Her story is pretty much this: Stephenie Meyer went to college. One night, she had a crazy dream about a sexy vampire who didn't follow any of the rules vampires normally do and was a combination of abusive boyfriends from her past. Oh, and he sparkled, too. So Stephenie decided to write down the dream and then sell it. The End.

Wow, I should be a writer for Bluewater Productions. Although I hear they don't pay that well.

So that's that. Sorry if this entry seems a little bitter. It's late, I'm tired, and this stupid Twilight craze just won't go away.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

If You're Wondering. . .

When a band releases a single it's supposed to entice you to listen to the rest of the album. Weezer did a good job of this when they released Pork and Beans to get me interested in their red album, and now they've done it again with If You're Wondering If I Want You To (I Want You To), which is off their new album, named "Raditude."

Well, Weezer actually won me over BEFORE they released the single, when I saw the cover art of the new album:

I mean, how can you not love that?

Anyway, I thought the song was "a'ight" (as the kids say), but it wasn't until faithful reader, Mikey, showed me the music video that I was sold on the new album. It's a catchy song, but the music video is everything a music video should be. It's got humor, beautiful colors, a hot girl, wanton violence, an interesting story, etc. I'll post it for you below so you can enjoy it as well:


Plus, if you click here you can see how you can get a Weezer Snuggie along with the new CD.


And, for those of you that want some additional humor, here's a random video from Russia:

The driver in the video is fine, but I'm more concerned about how bad the newswoman is injuring the English language - ZING!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween Forever!!

Ok, maybe not "forever," but I still had one more Halloween-related post that I wanted, nay, NEEDED to get out of my system!

So in case you, also, need another Halloween fix before the turkeys start getting cooked and the stores turn red and green, just explore the site below:

This is site is from a Utah-based group that specializes in the paranormal. On this site you'll find enigmatic pictures, mysterious videos and, most importantly freaky EVPs!!!

What is an EVP, you may ask? Well, it's an acronym. What does that acronym, in particular, stand for, you may ask? Well, it stands for Electronic Voice Phenomena. What is that, you ask again? Wow, you have a lot of questions. Well, it's basically hearing voices on a recording that weren't there before - ghost voices, some say.

Now you may believe this, or you may be a skeptic, but either way it's fun to listen to and it's pretty creepy stuff.

And in case you don't want to search through this site all by yourself, 101.9 The End has an entire radio show dedicated to EVPs (they do it every year) and you can click here to find the podcast and listen to the guided tour yourself.

Happy Haunting!