Monday, November 29, 2010

Here Comes the Sun. . .'s Owner

File this one in the "Why Didn't I Think of That" folder.

In a world where everyone is trying to make money for doing absolutely nothing, you have to give some notice to those who are creative about it.

Remember as a kid when you'd claim something as yours? You would say something like, "I call this piece of pie!" or "Place back!" or even "Shotgun! No battle!" Well, apparently we were all setting our bar WAY too low as children. Angeles Duran has taken this method a step further - or, perhaps, 93 million miles farther.

That's right, faithful readers, this 49-year-old woman is now claiming ownership of the Sun.

And, believe it or not, she has the documentation to prove it. She has a signed and notarized paper showing her "ownership" of the Sun. She then stated, "I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I know the law. I did it but anyone else could have done it, it simply occurred to me first." Spoken like a true 4-year-old.
Angeles Duran kind of looks like Stephenie Meyer, which makes me not trust her.
"But, The Former 786," you may ask, "what harm is it for her to 'own' the Sun? It's not like she can actually do anything with it. Right?" Oh, faithful reader, how pure and naive you are. Ms. Duran wants to charge you for using the Sun. She has stated that she wants to charge everyone that uses the Sun and then give most of the proceeds to Spain. Half of it would go to the Spanish government. 20% would go to the country's pension fund. 10% would go to research. What research, exactly? I don't think she even knows. Sounds like a fluff answer to me. 10% would go to "end world hunger" (again, is she running for Miss Universe or something?) and the remaining 10% percent would go to (surprise!) herself.

So, just in case all that math didn't make sense to you, here's the skinny: Angeles Duran wants to charge every man, woman, child, animal and plant who enjoys the Sun, and use that money to fund Spain, generic ideas and herself.

However, her claim is completely flawed. I'm sorry, Ms. Duran, but I'm pretty sure that I claimed the Sun on one of my family's long, boring road trips to California. My older brother called the rest stop we were at and I just had to one-up him. So, sucks to be you! Or, as they say in Spain, "No sé si hay una traducción directa de esa frase en español!"

Monday, November 22, 2010

Violet! You're turning violet, Violet!

As you, my faithful readers, probably know, I am absolutely overjoyed when some outlandish idea from the movie world becomes reality. I've talked about it a number of times before on this blog and, much to my overjoying joyous joy, it's coming to pass once again.

Almost every person I talk to about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (which is pretty much everyone I meet) remembers a few key scenes in the movie. They remember these certain scenes because they were horrified by them. Such scenes include when Augustus gets stuck in the chocolate pipe (almost dying in the process), Charlie and Grandpa Joe almost getting chopped up to bits in the fizzy lifting drink room (almost dying), the freaky tunnel scene (that made some of us want to die) and, of course, Violet Beauregarde chewing the three-course meal gum and then swelling up to giant blueberry-sized proportions (and. . .almost dying).

Now, out of all these moments of this "children's" movie, which one do you think is becoming a reality?

Hint: Look at the title of this blog post.

That's right, it's the freaky tunnel scene.

I'm kidding, thank heavens. Scientists are currently working hard on creating a gum that would work just like the three-course meal gum Violet chews. They're making this gum using microcapsules that each hold a different flavor. Some of these microcapsules would dissolve when they come into contact with the saliva (probably the appetizer flavor), others would burst when they were crushed by your molars (the main course) and others would still hold out until "vigorous chewing" would take place (dessert).

Now, this wouldn't be like the so-called "Everlasting Gobstopper" real-life attempt, which only lasts around a half-hour if you don't actually suck on it, this would be a breakthrough in scientific technology. This kind of technology could be used to help alleviate world hunger in the future. However, in the mean time, they're just focusing on candy.

You can get the full story here, but, in the meantime I'd like to ask you, faithful readers, do you think this is a good idea? Do you really want a multi-course meal flavor in your gum? If so, what would you want your meal-gum (the marketing team will probably have to come up with a better name than that) to taste like?

Me? I'll take a tomato basil soup for the first course, chile verde burritos for the second course, and a mint fudge brownie for the dessert. I think I could handle each one of these courses in a warm liquid consistency. I mean, let's face it, no matter how advanced these flavors get, it's always going to be that same texture.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Come and Play - Everything's A-OK?

Elmo isn't the only creepy Muppet in town anymore.

Halloween may be over for some, but for you, faithful readers, the horror is just beginning. The gang over at Best Week Ever have compiled a list of photographs of people who tried to look like Sesame Street characters, but failed miserably.


Look, just because Oscar lives in the garbage doesn't mean he has to look like a pile of garbage. My kid would FREAK OUT if she saw this thing coming at her.

The scariest thing about this one is the lack of effort. Seriously? A piece of construction paper, some tape and a striped shirt and you think you're good?

It's not the mask that is scary, it's the eyes; those horrible, piercing eyes glaring directly into your soul.

It took me a while to guess what this weirdo was going for. Can you figure it out?

This costume confuses me, therefore, it scares me. At first glance, he looks like Grover, but then, you see the box of cookies. Dude, Cookie Monster is FAT!

Creative? Or offensive? YOU CHOOSE!

Imagine this: you're alone in your home and you pull back your shower curtain to find this face staring back at you. Instant heart attack.

These two should DEFINITELY be drug-tested. Look at that glazed-over look in their eyes!

I don't like the way Bert is looking at us. . .

Yes, you look like Elmo. . .after a lobotomy.

"Come play with us, Danny. Forever and ever and ever."

There's no denying it, this Bert wants to KILL you.

Dude, this isn't an Elmo costume. This costume looks like you killed a few Elmos, skinned them and decided to wear them. This picture gave my daughter nightmares. Why did I show this picture to my daughter? You tell me.

This is only thirteen out of fifty pictures on the site. You can see the rest of the pictures at

Until next week, faithful readers!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Bread is Totally Rad!

What is one of your favorite smells? Chances are, if you're an everyday average person, your answer will probably be freshly baked bread. Additionally, many people's favorite foods (hamburgers, sandwiches, pigs in a blanket) involve the use of bread.

Now, recently it seems that bread has been villainized by the so-called "gluten-free" community. These people aren't technically allergic to bread, they just have a digestive intolerance to wheat, rye, barley and malt. Once again, it's not an allergy, it's an intolerance - a gluten intolerance. And I think we all know what intolerance leads to: hate crimes.

These "Celiacs," as they call themselves, haven't reached this level of violence yet. No Hostess factories or Sara Lee bakeries have been attacked or destroyed by them. For now, they're only asking for gluten-free versions of foods that already exist. The world is quickly becoming more and more tolerant of this intolerant group of people. More and more restaurants are offering gluten-free menus and you can find gluten-free products in almost any grocery store. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I'm just suggesting we need to keep an eye on the people with the Celiac disease. After all, "Celiac" rhymes with "we attack!" I'm just saying. . .

We need to stand up for our bread rights, people! Without bread we would lose many things that are precious and dear to our hearts. We would also not have videos like the one below.

Before you watch it, I must stress that this clip has not been altered or edited in any way - this is exactly how it originally aired.

As this video proves, all kinds of people are switching to whole meal, making their own bread and ripping their shirts off. This clip, sent in by, alert reader, Mitch, comes from a British television show called "You Are What You Eat" around 1986. Aside from that, I really don't know that much about it. The internet has failed me.

If any of you can give me more information about this clip or the TV show it came from, please let me know. Help me, faithful readers, you're my only hope. This video, and more like it, could help convince those gluten-free Celiacs that bread is just too cool to hate.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Yatta Attack!

Since the posts in October were full of such doom and gloom, I think it's time we lighten the mood a bit. I think it's time that we have a little fun. I think it's time. . .for Yatta!!

Now, before you start thinking the Japanese are weirder than you already thought they were, this is actually a comedy bit. This song/video (sent in by, alert reader, Ryan) came from a sketch comedy show in Japan called Silly Go Lucky. The video features a fictional group named Happa-tai (Green Leaves). It's supposed to be a parody of Japanese boy bands. Still, this parody makes you wonder what kind of boy bands they actually have over there. . .

What? You want to know what they're saying? Very well, faithful readers, here are the lyrics translated into English (thank you so you can now sing along with Happa-tai! Just like you've always wanted!!!

G R Double-E N Leaves
G R Double-E N Leaves

It's so easy! Happy-go-lucky!

We are the world! We did it!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Unh!)

All right! All right!
We're doin' great in college!

All right! All right!

Made president at our jobs!

Long as we've one leaf on, we're doin' fine! Hey, we're lucky just 'cause we're alive!

All right! All right!
We've been confirmed for the prize!

All right! All right!

We're representing Japan!

We're so healthy, it just makes ya sick!

Everybody say "All right!"

Japan's got crises (but)
Tomorrow's wonderful

Even if somebody's mean to us, we just go to bed and

Snore! Snore! Snore! Snore! Pass! Pass! Pass! Pass! (Good morniiiiing!)

All right! All right!
We got nine hours of sleep!
All right! All right!

Woke up and jumped outta bed

What kinda great things might await us now? Hey, we're lucky just 'cause we're alive!

All right! All right!
If there's a change in you

All right! All right!

Then the whole world will change too.

Getting through it unhurt's the best of all. Just stand up straight because it feels greeeaat!!

I drink water that's tasty! (All right!)
I get in the sun and feel toasty! (All right!)

Havin' a belly laugh's fun! (All right! All right!)

Try keeping dogs--they're cute! (All right!)


As we brushed past each other, you favored me with a smile.

It's okay if we never meet again. I'm lucky you were here just for a while!

We've got recession these goverment we've no faith.
Could we hit "reset," that'd be number one! And since we're all here, it's just so much fun!

All right! All right!
In university class

All right! All right!

We've got a movie star!

Long as we've one leaf on, we're doin' fine! We're all together, it's a happy time!

All right! All right!
Long as we still can breathe in...

All right! All right!

Long as we still can breathe out...

We're so healthy, it just makes ya sick!

Everybody say "All right!"



Until next week. Yatta!!