Friday, April 24, 2009

Boil It Down

Recently I came across a site where a guy took film summaries, and condensed them into a single sentence - sometimes boiling a movie down to this point makes you see it differently.

Here are a few of my favorites:
WARNING: There may be some spoiler-type-things!

  • ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
  • ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
  • AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.
  • AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.
  • BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
  • BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
  • BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
  • BREWSTER’S MILLIONS: Black man abuses line of credit.
  • BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
  • CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.
  • CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.
  • DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.
  • DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.
  • DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
  • DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.
  • E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
  • FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
  • FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.
  • GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
  • GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
  • GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
  • GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.
  • HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
  • HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.
  • IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
  • JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.
  • KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
  • KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.
  • KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
  • LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.
  • LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
  • LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.
  • METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.
  • MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
  • O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.
  • OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.
  • PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
  • RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
  • RAISING ARIZONA: Convicted felon seduces police officer in kidnapping plot.
  • RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
  • ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
  • SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
  • SHORT CIRCUIT: Rogue scientist steals top-secret government weapon.
  • SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
  • STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
  • STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
  • STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
  • SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
  • SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.
  • TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
  • THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE: College professors help illegal alien evade authorities.
  • THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
  • THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.
  • THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
  • TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
  • TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
  • WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
  • WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.
  • WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.
  • WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.

Skewed points of view? Maybe. A little cynical? Probably. But it made me laugh. Can you boil your favorite movies down to one sentence?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Greatest American Novel -- Pages 1 & 2

I know many people out their have been enamored with a certain inspiring You Tube clip from the TV show "Britain's Got Talent" that has been circulating this week, but I am above such things. . .mostly because it's old news now and it made me cry.

Instead, I present to you some light reading. "WHAT??" you may exclaim, "How DARE you make me read on the internet! I get on the web to see funny videos and interesting pictures!!" Well, hostile reader, I'm sure you'll find this post both funny AND amusing. . .or maybe just painful. We'll see.

First, the backstory: My co-worker found a posting on Craigslist a while back for someone offering to pay someone else to edit their novel. When my co-worker responded to the posting, the author sent him a couple pages of her novel to "test" his editing skills and see if he was worthy to edit her work.

The pages she sent are below (without any hyperlinks to distract you from the writing) unaltered and unedited. And no, this is not from Stephenie Meyer's new book.


Chapter One- Without Him

The sun gleaming through the white puffy clouds on this sun-kist day, a small town bustling with everyday chores and activities, one man looks down upon them from his mansion on a hill. Barely finished, he spent months renovating with help from the townspeople. Married three years, he awaited for his beloved’s return. Months had gone by without seeing her beautiful face. She abruptly gone, by the news of an old friend’s death, he staying behind to work, and secretly re-build their home. He could not wait to see her face, when she saw what he had done for her.

In the distance, tired and whiney from a long journey, the dirt and rocks fly up underneath the carriage. Excited to finally be home, and see Timothy. The carriage move vastly along the dirt road carrying her home, which seemed to take years, finally pulling up onto the house. Her eyes gleamed as they approached. The mansion stood tall, and strong, with a fresh coat of white paints scent filling the air that surrounded the mansion. Two stories with a beautiful wraparound porch, lush green grass and several trees shaded the large house. A beautiful large window looking over her small town of Black Mountain, she felt like a princess pulling up to her castle, when the carriage finally stopped. Timothy was nowhere to be seen. A dogs bark came closer, as she stepped out of the carriage. The most beautiful woman, long flowing hair, black as coal a slender body, wrapped with silk, and lace. A fancy designer dress shipped all the way from Paris, a wedding present. She looked around, when her old dog Brutiz the hound, surprised her from behind licking her hand. She was overjoyed to finally be home. She kneeled down to give her old dog a big hug, and a few strokes on his back Peering through the window, he noticed movement outside. He hurried to the door and swung it open.

“Isabelle”, he shouted out.

She looked up and saw him standing before her.
“Timothy”, she vaulted into his grasp

Once more they were in each other’s arms, never to be apart again. Tears falling from her eyes, she was overjoyed to be home, and would not let him go.
“What do you think?” Timothy asked her showcasing the freshly painted house.

"Oh it’s so beautiful."
“Let me show you inside.”

He held her hand and led her into the house. She nearly stumbled to her knees at the sight of it. The long windy staircase, completely torn out and rebuilt with fresh cut wood. The same beautiful stone fireplace, and the extravagant large window, was filled with gorgeous new glass their large telescope peering out. Brand new beautiful furniture, of which only wealth could afford, filled the house. The windows open, and a cool breeze flowing in.

“It is so beautiful Timothy”, she spoke gently a little overwhelmed by its beauty, and his wonderful craftsmanship.
“I love it!”

He said nothing. He grabbed her hardly, and kissed her with passion and lust.
“Its beauty does not compare to the sight that stands before me now”, he replied kissing her again.

The men outside finally pulled the last piece of Isabelle’s luggage from atop the carriage to the ground. They anxious to settle in town, rent a room, and go to the saloon, where they would fall down drunk by the end of the night. They wait patiently, for Timothy to return outside, and pay for their service, as Isabelle promised he would.

Unpacked, dinner over, now relaxing in front of the ferocious roasting fireplace, they both lay down, with only a fur rug, laying between them and the hardwood floor. Nestling cozy next to each other both happy to be together, night had come. Timothy sat up, feeling a bit hot from the heat, standing to his feet. Needing fresh air, he head outside, to cool down. Isabelle followed straight behind him.

“Timothy, are you alright?” she asked concerned.

“Fine, fine....just got a little hot”, Timothy swayed feeling a little dizzy.

“Sit down”.

Isabelle sat on the porch steps next to him.

Minutes went by, when he started feeling better. The cool night air cooled him right down. The town was so beautiful lit up, at night. Candles flickered in the wind. The windy dirt road leading to town, many wagons traveling, the bustle of town, was at its peak. The voices carried through the sky. Timothy and Isabelle could hear them faintly. Her hand wrapped in his.

P.S. My co-worker did not take the job.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

MY Bubbles!

One of my favorite things to do (aside from sleeping, eating, watching movies, dancing the tango, swimming, organizing town meetings, cooking, reading, riding bikes, whale calling, playing video games, hunting domesticated bears, listening to music, stunt driving, writing for my blog, playing the harp, attending live theater, brainstorming, magic and chess) is blowing bubbles for kids. It's so fun to see their little eyes light up as they try to catch the bubbles, and then see their little faces as a bubble accidentally pops in their mouth and they realize that bubbles are not delicious.

I remember in 6th grade when my teacher, Mrs. Birch, announced that we were going to be doing a course called "Bubbleology" in which we would study bubbles. We would create them, study them, freeze them, watch them pop and the like. I was so excited! It wasn't as cool as the day a kid brought a dry ice bomb to class for his science project (the rules were a bit different back then), but it was still pretty cool.

So imagine my overjoyous joy when I found out that there was a company that fills bubbles with helium and then shapes them into whatever shape you want!

Too good to be true? Check it out for yourself - FLOGOS!

As one website states "Not since the American Indians used smoke signals have messages been so clear." An odd analogy? Yes. Not entirely accurate? Probably. A little racist? Possibly. But the point is, these things are cool-looking!

And it's completely one of those "why didn't I think of that?" ideas! The company just took some soap, added some helium, and then made a little box to push the bubbles up through a mold and then a little windshield-wiper-type-device cuts the bubbles free and they float away. Genius! The machine can produce one "flogo" every 15 seconds, so they recommend running two at a time so you can get one every 7 seconds.

The bubbles then float up slowly into the wild blue yonder. Depending on the weather conditions, they can go as high as 20,000 feet and can travel up to 20- 30 miles!

You can create your own stencils/molds to make whatever shape you want for the occasion. And you can also color them whatever color you want. Think of the possibilities!

Now, I have no idea what I would ever use one of these bubble machines for - considering I'm not really a sportsman, I don't own a company nor do I throw promotional events. Plus, I don't really have money. . .but still, it's cool to know that this kind of technology exists in our day!

Here's to bubbles!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Happy 50th!!

You may have already seen these before, but on this, my 50th post I just wanted to share two videos that made my week a little funnier.

The first one is a classic You Tube clip that I only recently discovered:

And I couldn't figure out how to embed this second one, so I'm just going to have to post the link.

Click here for the stuff blonde jokes are made of!

Hope that brightened your day as well.

Here's to 50 more posts!