Monday, October 29, 2012

Horror Movies So Bad, They're Good

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the worst movies in the world are comedies. It's hard to laugh at someone who thinks they're being funny and failing. On the other hand, a bad horror movie makes an excellent comedy. If a scary movie fails to be scary, it can still be hilarious. So here is a list of horror movies so bad, they're good. Now, faithful readers, this list doesn't include many of the horrible movies featured in Mystery Science Theater 3000, such as Werewolf, Pod People and Manos: The Hands of Fate. These are movies that are enjoyable without aids such as MST3K. I like Manos just as much as the next guy, but without the aid of Joel and the Bots, it's almost unbearable. So, without further ado, here is a list of some good horror films.

Troll 2
No list of bad movies would be complete without this stinker. Troll 2 not only has nothing to do with the original Troll movie, but it also doesn't have any trolls in it. This one actually has some decent special effects -- I'm referring to the two tree transformations in the film here -- but it suffers from terrible writing and even worse acting. It's no surprise that no one in this film went on to bigger and better things. But it is amazingly fun to see the actors stumble through this mess. Oddly enough, the director still believes this is a masterpiece. Here's a clip, faithful readers, so you can decide for yourself:

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:

Sound editing is one of those things we take for granted in film. We assume that we're going to be able to hear the actors, we assume the soundtrack will enhance the mood instead of detracting from it, and we assume the sound effects will fit what is going on. The horrible editing in Birdemic sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm pretty sure they placed the microphones on the actors' shoes in some scenes.  And yes, the acting is as terrible as the special effects. But I couldn't stop laughing at how awful this movie really is, and I've gone out of my way to show friends and family just how bad this movie is. Somewhere, Alfred Hitchcock is rolling in his grave.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:

Maximum Overdrive
Now, to be fair, Maximum Overdrive scared me as a kid. But once I grew up I realized how ridiculous the idea of trucks, arcade games, bridges and soda machines rising up against us is. The acting is alright, the special effects are decent, but it's the concept that is flawed, and it's the concept that makes this movie a campy classic. Try not to laugh when the electric turkey carver attacks a woman. She yells and screams like Freddy Krueger himself is coming after her, yet all she has to do is take two steps backwards and she'll be fine. Plus, Emilio Estevez is a great coach and even a pretty good outlaw, but he's not a a tough guy and this movie kind of proves that.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:

Darkness Falls
Of all the movies on this list, Darkness Falls probably has the best production quality and the opening sequence is actually quite terrifying. But the reason this movie makes the list is because of how far it fell after that. It hits on almost every movie cliché in the book (Note: It's actually based on a sub-par short film, not a book) and it quickly delves into the completely ridiculous. My brothers and I had a great time ripping this one apart and by the time it got to the end my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. To this day, the phrase "Stay in the light!" always gets a chuckle in my house. Also, please keep in mind, this movie is about the Tooth Fairy. . .as a killer. . .

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:

They Live
I stumbled across They Live on accident late one night. I tried to my best to figure out what this movie was trying to be. I finally decided that it's trying to be a horror movie, but you shouldn't hire a professional wrestler as your leading man if you're trying to scare people - unless you're trying to frighten them with horrible line reading. If you're going to have "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in your movie, you should just stick to extended, obviously staged fight scenes. . . oh wait, they did that, too. Believe it or not, They Live was written and directed by John Carpenter, who has proved himself as a horror writer, but this movie proves that your choice of actors can have a negative (but hilarious) effect on an already weak storyline. I think that's why they gave Mr. Piper so few lines.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:

Plan 9 From Outer Space
If Ed Wood's art is making bad movies, Plan 9 from Outer Space is his Sistine Chapel. This movie is so terrible it's sublime. The writing, the acting, the special effects, the editing - everything in this movie misses the mark. It would be hard to intentionally make a film this entertainingly bad. Also, there have been a number of directors who have had an actor die during the filming of a movie, but not many directors have chosen to add in random footage of a recently deceased actor into a movie they weren't in before. And since Ed Wood only had a few shots of the late Bela Lugosi, he had to fill in the rest with his wife's chiropractor, even though he doesn't look anything like Lugosi. That's ok, though, he covers his face for all of his scenes. If you haven't seen this movie yet, you're doing yourself a disservice. Rent it. Watch it. Cringe and enjoy.

Proof of Awfulness/Awesomeness:

So there you go. Six completely awful horror movies that I still recommend seeing.

Happy Halloween, faithful readers!

Monday, October 22, 2012

There's An AAAAAAAAAP For That

Faithful readers, when do you start thinking about what you're going to be for Halloween? September? Mid-October? October 31st just before a party? That's fine for you, but as for me and my house, we usually start thinking about Halloween costumes just after the 4th of July. We were originally going to have a family-themed costume where all of us would be characters from Plants vs. Zombies, but my son vetoed that recently (he's three and gets frightened easily) so now we're each scrambling to find a new replacement costume.

I'm going to go as Observer (Brain Guy) from Mystery Science Theater 3000. So, apparently, I'm continuing my trend for the past few years of going as a random television character. My wife still hasn't decided on a costume yet, but I'm sure whatever she picks, she'll look wonderful. My daughter is going as a "cute witch," my other daughter is going as an owl and my son. . .well, he's either going as Spider-Man, Batman, Captain America or "little brain guy." It changes daily.

Anyway, for those of you who are still struggling to find a costume, what if I told you that you could have a unique costume that is sure to turn heads and all you need is a T-shirt, a smartphone and some duct tape?

Check it out:

See? It's simple! Well, I guess it took a NASA engineer to come up with the idea, but he's already done all the hard work! All you have to do is order the shirt from Digitaldudz, download the app and put it together. Or you could even create your own shirt design, if you have those kind of talents, and incorporate one of the apps into that.

It's not too late -- an eye-catching, cutting-edge Halloween costume is only 1 to 5 business days away!

My thanks to, alert reader, Lecia for sending this one in!

Monday, October 15, 2012

We'll Serve Anyone - And To Anyone!

Faithful readers, there have been only a few times when I, myself, have been disturbed by the things I post here on Slice of Fried Gold -- including, but not limited to, SkinBags, Peter Pan, horrible writing, people stuck to toilets, anything relating to Twilight and, of course, the Neti Pot. This post is about to join those ranks.

Now, since I aim to make this blog fun for all ages, I'm going to warn you right now


Ok, then.

So, alert reader, Ryan, alerted me that there was something odd going on in East London. Apparently a butcher shop had opened in the Smithfield Meat Market that was serving. . .unusual cuts of meat.

Take a look:

Yeah, I know.

But before you think East London suddenly approved Mrs. Lovett's business license, you should know that:

1. This was just a promotion for Resident Evil 6. As every geek knows, Albert Wesker is one of the main bad guys in the Resident Evil series. And Wesker & Son just has a nice ring to it.


2. This is not real human meat. It's just processed to look like human body parts. The store sold meat to a few deeply disturbed individuals and then it disappeared as quickly as it arrived.

Now, I'm not saying I've never made meatloaf in the shape of an arm or hand before, but this just seems. . .beyond that. You know? You can see more pictures at, but do you really want to see more pictures of faux human cuts of meat?

Although, apparently proceeds from the sale of this cannibalistic cuisine went to help the Limbless Association, a support group for people who have lost limbs. So I guess that makes it less creepy, right? Right?

And the proceeds must be good, because these prime cuts cost. . .wait for it. . .an arm and a leg!


(Oh yeah, I went there.)

Monday, October 8, 2012

Romance is Dead. . .Just Kidding!

Russia -- what a country!

In Russia, you can hire stuntmen, make-up artists and a screenwriter to help you with your marriage proposal. These Yes Men will then tell you that faking your own death to help your girlfriend understand what life would be like without you is, in fact, a good idea. But, then again, they'll probably agree to anything you say because you're paying them good money.

So then (once again, faithful readers, in Russia), you can set-up a fake accident scene, complete with blood, broken glass and a smashed up car and arrange it so your girlfriend finds you lying in the middle of the wreckage.


After your Russian girlfriend is completely horrified by your condition, you can then lead her to an ambulance where you are put inside and a "paramedic" can tell her that you have, in fact, died. Sure, it may completely devastate her emotionally, but she'll be fine what she sees that sparkly rock on her hand, right?

And then, after all that, after all of these horrible ideas come to fruition and you have to wrestle your girlfriend to the ground to stop her from running away, believe it or not, in Russia, the girl will excitedly say "Yes."

Don't believe me? Then watch the video below of Alexey Bykov doing this exact same scenario to Irena Kolokov:

Now, I don't speak Russian, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that she's not yelling "Oh boy! I'm glad that I am dating such a clever man like you!" as she walks away from the ambulance. But she, apparently, forgave him, and she even looked happy and playful at the end. I don't see that kind of scenario working here in America. Heck, my brother got in trouble with his wife just for proposing with a ring that was yellow gold instead of white gold. So, faithful readers, let's just let these kind of proposals stay in Russia and not import them to the United States.


Monday, October 1, 2012

Movie Trailers that Give Away the Ending

First of all, let me say Happy October, faithful readers! Can you believe it's finally here? Let's get to the semi-quasi-Halloween-related weekly posts!

 So I just saw this trailer for a horror movie called The Bay:

And while I roll my eyes at almost every "found footage film" these days, it was the ending of this trailer that caught my attention. It's not that the final few seconds of this trailer are amazing or even original -- movie trailer viewers expect this kind of stinger these days -- but it reminded me of a horror movie trailer I saw a few years ago:

Now, Quarantine wasn't a horrible film, but this trailer is particularly notorious because ***spoiler alert*** the last shot in the trailer is, in fact, the last shot of the film. Yup. Quarantine ends with that girl getting dragged off into the darkness. It's not a very good ending, but it's what you can expect from the run-of-the-mill found footage films. But why would the trailer makers decide to spoil the ending like that? Probably because it's one of the few memorable shots in the film. However, the ending loses 86% of its power if you've seen the trailer already.

And I have a feeling that the last shot of The Bay trailer is the same story. I haven't seen it yet, so technically that isn't a spoiler, but I'm willing to bet that the final shot of that woman in the car with the zombie-like creature popping up is how the film ends. Anyone want to take me up on that bet?

Anyway, The Bay trailer and its possible relationship to Quarantine led me to think about other movie trailers that give away the ending. Needless to say, this post deserves this kind of disclaimer:


Now, I haven't seen Apparition yet (I've been cautioned by a couple of friends to avoid it, in fact), but I was told that, once again, the last clip of the trailer is, in fact, how the movie ends. Take a look:

So the film apparently ends with a bunch of zombie hands groping Ashley Greene. But the filmmakers didn't stop there; they also spoiled the ending in the poster.


Now, lest you think that this spoiler-trailer-y thing only applies to horror films. Check out this family-friendly classic from the 90s:

Yup. The most iconic shot of Free Willy is, in fact, the moment at the end of the movie when the killer whale is let loose on the open waters once more. And, once again, it's spoiled by the poster as well as the trailer. But, I guess with a title like "Free Willy," you can probably guess that Willy is going to be free at some point in the film.

Back to horror:

Now, I like Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, but I was disappointed by how many deaths were spoiled in the trailer. There are seven people in that group of teens, and the trailer shows how six of them are killed. "But, The Former 786," you exclaim loudly, "this trailer doesn't give away the ending! Why would you include it on this post?" A fair question, faithful reader. My answer is that it's my blog and I can do what I want. Boo-yah.

But let's back to the point at hand:

To be honest, Carrie comes from a time when people were just starting to understand what a movie trailer should be. In the early days of film until about the mid-60s, movie trailers were much longer, much more boring and gave away almost the entire plot of the movie. Still, this movie would have been much more effective on viewers if they didn't know that a blood-soaked Carrie went telekinetically berserk on a room full of prom goers. However, if it wasn't for that part of the trailer, a lot of men probably wouldn't have gone to see it because it would just look like an angsty awkward teen girl film.

But Carrie doesn't give away the stinger ending where ***do I really need to say "spoiler alert" again?*** Carrie's dead hand shoots up from her grave and grabs Sue's arm, So it doesn't give away everything -- that honor belongs to this movie trailer:

Let me just run through how this trailer would play out with someone that hasn't seen the movie yet:

"Yikes! I wonder if he survives that plane crash! Oh. . .I guess he does."

"Hmmm. I wonder if a guy like Tom Hanks could survive on an island like that. Oh. . .I guess he can."

"Ha! He made fire."

"Whoa! He's skinny! I wonder if he's going to try and get off that island. Oh. . .I guess he does."

"I wonder how long he was on that island for. Oh. . .four years."

"And I guess since that guy on the plane is talking to him about getting off the island. . .he must get off the island at some point. Probably four years after he got there."

"It'd probably be hard to adjust to normal life after being on a desert island for four years. Yup. I was right." 

"Oh yeah! Helen Hunt! I wonder if they're going to work out. Well. . .based on her new haircut, probably not."

And then the end of the trailer shows us the very last shot of the film, with Tom Hanks standing at the crossroads, pondering what to do with his life. But Robert Zemeckis probably figured it didn't matter if he gave away the ENTIRE PLOT in the trailer, because people would go see it anyway. And they did.

So, there you have it. These are just a few of the movie trailers that ruin the ending of a film. I'm sure there are others, but I didn't want to dig around too much more on this subject. I don't like getting spoilers for movies I haven't seen. Like that time, years ago, when I mentioned that I wanted to see The Sixth Sense to someone else who hadn't seen the movie (thinking I was safe) and he replied, "Oh, is that the movie where Bruce Willis has a big ol' shotgun wound in his back at the end and you find out he's been dead the whole time?". . . . .