Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Greatest American Novel -- Pages 1 & 2

I know many people out their have been enamored with a certain inspiring You Tube clip from the TV show "Britain's Got Talent" that has been circulating this week, but I am above such things. . .mostly because it's old news now and it made me cry.

Instead, I present to you some light reading. "WHAT??" you may exclaim, "How DARE you make me read on the internet! I get on the web to see funny videos and interesting pictures!!" Well, hostile reader, I'm sure you'll find this post both funny AND amusing. . .or maybe just painful. We'll see.

First, the backstory: My co-worker found a posting on Craigslist a while back for someone offering to pay someone else to edit their novel. When my co-worker responded to the posting, the author sent him a couple pages of her novel to "test" his editing skills and see if he was worthy to edit her work.

The pages she sent are below (without any hyperlinks to distract you from the writing) unaltered and unedited. And no, this is not from Stephenie Meyer's new book.

WARNING: THERE IS SOME SAUCINESS AND RIBALDRY CONTAINED IN THIS STORY!

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Chapter One- Without Him


The sun gleaming through the white puffy clouds on this sun-kist day, a small town bustling with everyday chores and activities, one man looks down upon them from his mansion on a hill. Barely finished, he spent months renovating with help from the townspeople. Married three years, he awaited for his beloved’s return. Months had gone by without seeing her beautiful face. She abruptly gone, by the news of an old friend’s death, he staying behind to work, and secretly re-build their home. He could not wait to see her face, when she saw what he had done for her.

In the distance, tired and whiney from a long journey, the dirt and rocks fly up underneath the carriage. Excited to finally be home, and see Timothy. The carriage move vastly along the dirt road carrying her home, which seemed to take years, finally pulling up onto the house. Her eyes gleamed as they approached. The mansion stood tall, and strong, with a fresh coat of white paints scent filling the air that surrounded the mansion. Two stories with a beautiful wraparound porch, lush green grass and several trees shaded the large house. A beautiful large window looking over her small town of Black Mountain, she felt like a princess pulling up to her castle, when the carriage finally stopped. Timothy was nowhere to be seen. A dogs bark came closer, as she stepped out of the carriage. The most beautiful woman, long flowing hair, black as coal a slender body, wrapped with silk, and lace. A fancy designer dress shipped all the way from Paris, a wedding present. She looked around, when her old dog Brutiz the hound, surprised her from behind licking her hand. She was overjoyed to finally be home. She kneeled down to give her old dog a big hug, and a few strokes on his back Peering through the window, he noticed movement outside. He hurried to the door and swung it open.

“Isabelle”, he shouted out.

She looked up and saw him standing before her.
“Timothy”, she vaulted into his grasp

Once more they were in each other’s arms, never to be apart again. Tears falling from her eyes, she was overjoyed to be home, and would not let him go.
“What do you think?” Timothy asked her showcasing the freshly painted house.

"Oh it’s so beautiful."
“Let me show you inside.”

He held her hand and led her into the house. She nearly stumbled to her knees at the sight of it. The long windy staircase, completely torn out and rebuilt with fresh cut wood. The same beautiful stone fireplace, and the extravagant large window, was filled with gorgeous new glass their large telescope peering out. Brand new beautiful furniture, of which only wealth could afford, filled the house. The windows open, and a cool breeze flowing in.

“It is so beautiful Timothy”, she spoke gently a little overwhelmed by its beauty, and his wonderful craftsmanship.
“I love it!”

He said nothing. He grabbed her hardly, and kissed her with passion and lust.
“Its beauty does not compare to the sight that stands before me now”, he replied kissing her again.

The men outside finally pulled the last piece of Isabelle’s luggage from atop the carriage to the ground. They anxious to settle in town, rent a room, and go to the saloon, where they would fall down drunk by the end of the night. They wait patiently, for Timothy to return outside, and pay for their service, as Isabelle promised he would.

Unpacked, dinner over, now relaxing in front of the ferocious roasting fireplace, they both lay down, with only a fur rug, laying between them and the hardwood floor. Nestling cozy next to each other both happy to be together, night had come. Timothy sat up, feeling a bit hot from the heat, standing to his feet. Needing fresh air, he head outside, to cool down. Isabelle followed straight behind him.

“Timothy, are you alright?” she asked concerned.

“Fine, fine....just got a little hot”, Timothy swayed feeling a little dizzy.

“Sit down”.

Isabelle sat on the porch steps next to him.

Minutes went by, when he started feeling better. The cool night air cooled him right down. The town was so beautiful lit up, at night. Candles flickered in the wind. The windy dirt road leading to town, many wagons traveling, the bustle of town, was at its peak. The voices carried through the sky. Timothy and Isabelle could hear them faintly. Her hand wrapped in his.




P.S. My co-worker did not take the job.

8 comments:

Alan said...

Oh My Gosh!!!!! Completely appalled yet, intrigued, I wish for this book to be release. I long for the day, when I can bring it to my loving wife and we can, share its majestie.

Jordan said...

YES!!!

Kelsi White said...

no! that was horrible! they don't even know how to use grammar correctly!

Andrea said...

I love it, I LOVE IT!!! I read this to my family this weekend, and my brother suggested making it into a video with puppets and magazine cut-outs and such. It will be the next Youtube sensation!

And Jordan, why are we not blog friends? I didn't even know you had a blog!

The Mateus Family said...

wow.

SicklyGothGirl said...

Ha Ha! That's...quality.

Lobbie said...

Joel this was seriously painful. I mean if it can make Stephanie Meyer look like a genius, there's something wrong. I should send you the play Nathan and I wrote for the bad play project. Yet it still can't compare with this.

L'homme Masqued said...

Ooh, ribald indeed wot!