Missy the Missing Kitty

Coworkers are an odd group of people. I'm not saying that the people you work with are odd (though they certainly may be), but there is a strange relationship that exists between one employee and another employee. It's like when you were doing a group project in school and your teacher picked the members in the groups. These may not be the people you would have chosen, but soon relationships begin to form as you work towards a common goal. Sometimes these relationships are ones of friendship and camaraderie. Other times, however, they're more like the following e-mail exchange between Shannon and David:

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.



This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.


See what I mean? This e-mail exchange, sent in by, alert reader, Ashley, demonstrates the other type of relationship between coworkers.

But is it real?

That's debatable. David Thorne, the antagonizing, yet humorous presence in this e-mail chain is a comedic writer from Australia. He's written a number of humorous articles, such as the one where a guy tries to pay a bill with a drawing of a spider, and has pulled a number of internet pranks, such as the Kate's Birthday Party fiasco on Facebook. Thorne considers the internet his playground.

Some of Thorne's work is completely fictitious, while other writings are based on true events. On his website, 27bslash6.com, the foreword to this back-and-forth e-mail simply talks about his feelings towards cats. So I guess it is up to you, faithful readers, to decide if someone would be that insensitive and rude. . . to ask David to make a poster during work hours for their stupid* lost cat.

*- Editor's Note: I do not know if this cat, in particular, is stupid. However, most are**. Dogs rule! Woooooooooooooooo!


** - Editor's Other Note: In the spirit of full disclosure, I actually do like cats***. The above statements were written merely to antagonize people and to generate comments.


*** - Editor's Final Note: I also like pie.

Some Things Are Not Meant To Be

If you know me at all, you know I like movies. I like the deep, thoughtful ones, and I enjoy the frivolous, popcorn ones. I feel that any idea could turn in to an entertaining movie (unless it's an idea from Tyler Perry or Michael Bay). So I was shocked and horrified when I learned that Cracked.com had made a list of movies that should not be made! Inspired by the announcement that there was going to be (and I'm not making this up) a movie based on the game Monopoly, they asked their readers to make fake movie posters of the worst movie ideas/adaptations ever and then posted them on their site. I actually found the list quite funny, though and I'd like to share some of them with you:

The problem with this one is that no one can play Matlock like Andy Griffith. . .except maybe Raymond Burr. . .or Sam Waterson. . .or William Shatner. . .



The sad thing is, this adaptation could actually happen! The children of the 70s have now grown up and are feeling nostalgic. And Ferrell and Reily do make a good comedic team. . .




Now this one could work. It's a popular game, everyone knows the premise, and you never know who's going to win in the end!



Science nerds everywhere are DROOLING for this one! They're sure it's going to be box office "Au!" ZING!



I've been WAITING for the movie to come out so I don't have to read the book!



I put these two together to help those who wouldn't have made the connection on their own. Plus, these two movies together would HAVE to be better than the Super Mario Brothers Movie.



I really like the cereal (where's Boo Berry????), but these two odd-looking actors in the same movie could be hazardous.



I hope they make this one because I wish nothing but success for Vin Diesel. No. . .wait. . .I'm thinking of Steve Zahn. I don't like Vin Diesel or his movies.



This one would be good for me, because it might actually make me somewhat interested to do faux-math in little crossword puzzle boxes and feel semi-intellectual for a while.



This is a personal indulgence of mine, but I couldn't stop laughing at the idea of this movie. Kim represents all that is reprehensible about the TV show 24 (that, and Season 6 of 24).



The question is. . .does this film actually work? It seems so simple!



If the original game made thousands of children want to be doctors. . .this movie will stop that.


If they make this one interactive and give everyone NES light guns, I am SOOOOOOOO there!



While watching this film in theaters, no cellphones or children under 6 are allowed because you have to be. . .vewwwy, vewwwy qwiet! ZING AGAIN!!



But J.J. will not tell you where the hippos came from or why they are hungry. He'll just create a ton of questions and leave it to speculation on the internet.



And finally. . .my favorite idea that shouldn't be made into a movie!


I stil iz LOLing!


So there you go. Hope you enjoyed it. If you think any ridiculous ideas for film adaptations were left out, feel free to mention them in the comments section.

Kthxbye!