Let's Define "Blackface"

WARNING: THIS POST IS GOING TO DISCUSS THE ISSUE OF RACE.

CLARIFICATION: DON'T WORRY, BECAUSE IT'S OCTOBER, THIS WEEK'S POST IS STILL SOMEWHAT HALLOWEEN-RELATED.

Before I start, I feel that I should inform you that I'm "white." I put that color in quotes because my skin isn't really the color of a cloud or a marshmallow (though its consistency may be like one of those two things -- I need to work out more). My skin is more of a peach-ish, orange-ish, pink-ish hue. However, my race shouldn't be an issue here. After all, if you're going to dismiss my opinion based solely on the color of my skin, that kind of makes you racist, doesn't it?

I bring this up because recently Julianne Hough has been accused of racism because she appeared in "blackface" for her Halloween costume. Here's a picture:

Now, I don't really follow Ms. Hough's career that much (I hear she dances and sings), but I find it interesting that people are considering this costume to be racially offensive. She was just using some makeup to look like one of her favorite characters from a TV show, who happens to be black. Here's a picture of the character she was trying to look like:

Now, I don't really follow Orange is the New Black that much (I hear there's dancing and singing), but if Julianne Hough is dressing up as Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren, why shouldn't she try to match the skin tone of the character? If she didn't, Ms. Hough would spend the evening explaining who she was to each person at the party because no one would really get it. After all, Hough is a blond-haired, blue-eyed white girl. She was just trying to match the TV character (played by Uzo Aduba) as much as she possibly could.

Hough has since apologized for her costume, but did she really need to? If I was going as Conan O'Brien for Halloween, for example, I would probably apply some translucent white makeup to lighten my skin and I'd probably also wear an orange wig. I doubt anyone (including the Irish) would call that racist. So why would it be considered racist to darken my skin a little to match that of a character I'm trying to emulate? Furthermore, would it have been considered racist if Hough had worn a "Crazy Eyes" mask instead of using makeup?

To me, Julianne's costume is not blackface. It's just makeup for a costume. It wasn't done with the intent to offend or satirize the African American community, it was done to match a character on TV. It's not a great costume, but it's also not a racist one.

You know what I think blackface is? Here's a picture:

To me, this is a sloppy and, frankly, offensive way of portraying the skin of those with African heritage. Back in the day, actors would slather on the black makeup and then add a white mouth during vaudeville shows and films. Blackface was done as a satirical stereotype of an entire race and was a pretty bad idea in the first place, in my opinion.

Let's jump back to today, shall we?

That picture is from a 2013 Dunkin' Donuts ad in Thailand about a dark chocolate doughnut. Now, I am unable to read the Thai language, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the text doesn't say "I am a generalization of the African people, and I like doughnuts." No, this advertisement shows a chocolate-covered doughnut held by a chocolate-covered person. It has nothing to do with race. And yet some Americans still clamored that this ad was racist. They yelled "BLACKFACE!" and demanded that the ads be taken down because they were so offensive. Unless "Chocolate-covered Doughnut People" is an existing race on the World Census, this should not be considered racism and it should not be considered blackface.

But that's not to say that people don't do blackface in modern times.

That picture is of Ted Danson. For those of you who don't know who Ted Danson is, he was a famous TV star who only really made one successful venture into the movie world with Three Men and a Baby. Anyway, in 1993 he appeared at Whoopi Goldberg's roast, admittedly, in blackface. But for some reason Ms. Goldberg was fine with it (note her approving face in that picture). And when the media got after Mr. Danson, she defended him, saying she had helped write Danson's "comedic" material, and even referred Danson to the makeup artist who painted his face. Danson and Goldberg (which would be a good name for a law firm) also dismissed the accusations by saying that these types of roasts were intended to offend and shock people. This is blackface, but apparently it's an excused example of blackface.

Here's another example I'd like to discuss:

That picture depicts a group of fans painting themselves the color of their favorite sports team, which happens to be black. As far as I can tell, those girls have no racial agenda with that makeup. If fans of the Dallas Cowboys painted their skin silver, would that be considered racist? Perhaps they would be showing racism against the robot race? Should this be considered blackface? No.

Here is one final example of actual blackface, and, I need to warn you, this is offensive on a number of levels:

That is a picture of a guy smearing black makeup on his face, and fake blood on his hoodie to portray Trayvon Martin. He and his buddy apparently chose a "couple's costume" for this Halloween party. The girl is the middle is just clueless. If she realized how offensive and wrong this costume was, she wouldn't be standing between those two idiots and smiling. This is when people should get offended. This is racist. This is wrong. This is blackface.

It doesn't make sense to call that final, terrible, example of blackface "blackface" and call Julianne Hough's costume "blackface" in the same breath. The motives behind and implementations of each costume are completely different. People need to stop crying "BLACKFACE!" when it's not actually blackface. The more you throw around that term, the less power it has when it should actually be used.

So, faithful readers, let's recap what we've learned today:

1. Using makeup to look like a famous actor/character, or painting yourself your team's colors is not blackface. 
2. Smearing black paint on your face with the intention to portray a stereotyped caricature of an entire race is blackface.
3. I need to work out more.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

Freeze, Agent Scully!

I'm watching the X-Files again, faithful readers. I decided I wanted to see them all again, in order from beginning to end. Yes, I'm that nerdy. I have fond memories of my family and I sitting down on Sunday evenings to watch The X-Files together when it was on the air -- that is, of course, until the alleged remote-throwing incident of 1999. . .

But I digress.

In the history of television, there are few characters as unflappable as FBI Special Agent Dana Scully (as portrayed by the award-winning actress, Gillian Anderson). This medical doctor has seen all sorts of amazing and horrific things throughout the course of the show, yet she always seems to maintain her composure.

Unless you hit the pause button.

Believe it or not, there is a blog out there dedicated to the funny faces Agent Scully makes when people press the pause button at the various times during an episode.

Here are some of my favorites:

"Mmmm! These gumballs are sour!"

"Ah. You've found my secret lair, Mr. Bond. Welcome."

"Derr, don't throw the ball so hurrd!"

"How you like my sessy face?"

"Telemarketers? Ick!"

This one just creeps me out. I have no caption.

"Hey sailor."

"Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffrench fries."

"THERE IS NO SCULLY, ONLY ZUUL!"

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!"

Agent Scully is possessed and not impressed.

"Whassa matter, occifer? Was I spreeding?"

"*sniffle* Why they gotta pause my face like that? *sob*"

You can check out more Scully freeze frames on the Pause Face Scully website. My thanks to, alert reader, Ben for bringing this to my attention.

And my apologies to Ms. Anderson. We love you, Scully!

A Claw is a Claw

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid. Things were so much easier then - I didn't have to worry about things like making money, cooking food or bathing. Life was full of wonder when I was younger. I had so many questions and there were so many mysteries.

Little did I know back then, that in the future, there would come a day when there was something called a "search engine," and by using that "search engine" I could get the answers to many of my questions - deep, philosophical questions like, "What does Dr. Claw's face look like?"

For those of you who don't know who Dr. Claw is, he was a character on the television show Inspector Gadget, which had one of catchiest theme songs ever. The plot of each episode was pretty much the same: Dr. Claw, the villain, would make some horrible plan to destroy something or rule the world, Inspector Gadget would get the assignment to stop him (the message would self destruct) and then Inspector Gadget would fumble and bumble along while Penny and Brain would do the actual detective work. They would always stop Dr. Claw, but he was never caught. And you never saw his face during the show! All you ever saw of Dr. Claw was his chair, his arm, his computer and his cat.

As a young boy I accepted that this mystery of Dr. Claw's face would never be solved. As an adult, however, my curiosity peaked during a leisurely time when I was definitely not at work, and I decided to use Google to find out the answer. And I found it. Faithful readers, I have seen the face of Dr. Claw - and my wide-eyed childhood innocence and ignorance on this subject has forever been lost.

I found a website that claimed to reveal the face of Dr. Claw. My thanks to Mike Westfall, the man who did this research, posted it online and, let's face it, changed the world as we know it.

Apparently, back in the early 90s, the creators of Inspector Gadget released a toy version of Dr. Claw. Check it out:

Ingenious, no? They're completely playing off the fact that everyone wants to know what Dr. Claw looks like. And by covering his face in the packaging like that, you had to buy the toy to see what he looked like.

UNTIL NOW!









Faithful readers, I now present to you. . .








Without further ado. . .








The thing you've been waiting for all these years. . .








Yes, this truly is. . .








The face of Dr. Claw!

And here's a close-up.

I know, it wasn't what I was expecting, either. I mean, aside from the melty face, he looks like a normal human. I always imagined him to have an evil robotic-mask-type of face, similar to the symbol of his M.A.D. organization.

But I guess he wasn't a robot. I guess the live-action Rupert Everett version of Dr. Claw in the poorly executed Inspector Gadget movie wasn't too far off. I guess his right arm IS the only mechanical part of his body. I guess he is just a horribly mutated British aristocrat.

Huh.

Well, there you go. My childhood memories have forever altered and I don't quite know how I feel about that. At least we can still all remain innocent and ignorant in never seeing the full face of that one character from Home Improvement. You know. . .Tim's neighbor, whose face was always hidden by a fence. What was his name again? Hold on, let me Google it. . .

Aw, crap.