Take a Bite Out of Fashion

Ok, faithful readers, since the last post was only loosely related to Halloween, I decided it was only fair that I do one more Halloween-related post. So even though all of my Halloween decorations are cleaned up and I've spread the horror movies across my entire queue, instead of stacking them all at the top, let's dance around the theme of scary and unusual one more time, shall we?

This week's post was sent in by, alert reader, Andrea and I'll admit that it disturbed me. I consider my tolerance level for being grossed out pretty high (I changed two poopy diapers today and only gagged twice), but this fashion statement from a British couple named Fantich & Young just seems. . .wrong.

Check it out:

Yup. Just in case you're not wearing your reading glasses right now, there are teeth lining the bottom of those black Oxfords.

1,050 teeth, to be specific. No, they're not real teeth, they're just dentures, but still. Ew.

Just ew. Especially with the gold teeth accents on the front. I don't know why that disturbs me as much as it does, but it does.

But Mariana Fantich and Dominic Young weren't just content with disturbing dress shoes with dentured soles. Oh, no.

That, faithful readers, is a perfectly normal coat with nothing unusual about it.

I'm kidding, of course. Fantich & Young created this monstrosity using a Savile Row suit, dentures (of course), glass eyes and, you're not going to believe this, human hair. Yes, human hair.

And yes, there are matching pants with denture accents, as well.

They really do go well with those shoes, I guess.

And, don't worry ladies, they have some Jimmi Choos for you, as well.

*shudder*

Maybe She's Born With It

Believe it or not, faithful readers, some of my faithful readers are women. And I want to dedicate this post to all of my female readers out there.

Ladies, I feel your pain. I know how annoying unwanted advances can be -- after all, I was a security officer for five years, and I can't tell you how many women tried to hit on me while I was a man in uniform. And it's just not easy or pleasant to let someone know you're not interested in them when they're obviously interested in you, am I right? Don't you wish there was a way to deter someone from hitting on you when you don't want to be hit on?

Well now there is! Check it out:

Yikes! I probably should have put a warning before that picture, shouldn't have I? No, those are not the legs of the average testosterone-filled male. And no, those are not the legs of a testosterone-filled female, either. Yes, they are female legs, but the hairiness is caused by manufactured leggings, not hormones. This hosiery has hair (it's unclear whether it's real or artificial) woven into the fabric to create the appearance of extreme unshavenness.

These shaggy stockings are all the rage in China, where apparently smooth operators are thwarted by unsmooth limbs. It seems that it would be much easier (not to mention cheaper) to just go without shaving, but perhaps your leg whiskers don't grow in full enough, and you're still turning men's heads instead of their stomachs.

I'm sorry to say that these nylons aren't widely distributed yet, so until they are, we'll just have to dream (or have nightmares) about independent women flaunting these leggings around.

My "thanks" to alert reader, Rob, for sending this in.

Gag Me With a Spoon and Leave It In There!

If you asked me what the grossest candy I've ever eaten is (though I don't know exactly why you'd be asking me that, but you have asked me some weird questions in the past), I'd probably have to say that it would be Bertie Bott's sardine-flavored jelly beans, orange sticks (seriously, orange and chocolate flavors should NOT be mixed) or anything pineapple flavored.

But let's move on beyond the superficial aspect of taste. Sometimes taste isn't enough to judge what makes a candy gross. Let's use your other senses, like your sense of sight, your sense of fashion and your sense of common decency. Because I'm pretty sure that this candy violates all of those senses and more.

That's right, faithful readers, for only $17.99, you can get a box of 12 candy scabs! Yes. Candy scabs.

Lick Your Wounds candy features a plastic bandage that sticks on your arm, with a little compartment for your assortment of sugary blood clots. Simply open the compartment, take a lick and then close it again for future consumption - so not only can you gross other people out while you lick your band-aid, but you can also grow your own bacteria in that moist little compartment and gross out your digestive system.

Not grossed out yet? Well, then here's a close-up picture of the candy, complete with arm hair.

Lick your screen for a virtual taste-test!

You're welcome.

However, I like these posts to appeal to a wide variety of audiences. I know that this will really gross out a certain demographic of my faithful readers, so I've provided an alternate low-impact version of the Lick Your Wounds candy. Here's the gentler, softer Boo Boo Licks candy

Only $9 for six boxes with twelve gummy bandages each. They make great stocking stuffers - just place them on the heel to prevent blisters.

Back Off, SkinBag!

Faithful readers, I'm going to give you fair warning on this one: the images you're about to see are a little disturbing. If you have a weak stomach, a weak bladder or weak ankles, you may want to leave the room. Don't believe me? Fine, you've been warned. When I ran across this following product a few weeks ago, I have to admit that I didn't think it was real.

"What IS that?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you. It's a laptop bag made out of HUMAN SKIN!!!!

Ok, so it isn't really human skin. But SkinBag, the company responsible for this monstrosity, is determined to make this synthetic material look and feel like human skin. Why? Well, this is how they explain it:

SkinBags are seamless body extensions made of synthetic skin and identifiable by
their wrinkled texture and organic appearance.

Like genuine external organs, the SkinBag bags incorporate our everyday
objects, anticipating the day when biology and digital will merge with pockets
for our electronic devices.

The TrackSuits give a new form of nudity to our social body. This second skin defines
the widened contours of the contemporary identities, including our clothes
and communication extensions of all kinds (money, keys, phones, organizers...).

As a carrier of mutation, the SkinBag symbolises the ambivalence between the basic
natural body, and the optimised prosthetic body.

The tactful alchemy of repulsion and attraction turns these sensual vehicles
into relational activators.

So, in other words, they're completely insane. Don't believe me? Wow, you really are an unbeliever today, aren't you? Well, here are a few of their other products, available on the SkinBag site:

"Smooth and moldable" Skin Blob Bean Bag: $2831

 

SkinBag Jacket: $849

Creepy Skinned Baby Head Bag: $708

Full Body Skin Suits: Subject to change according to market costs

SkinBag Toilet Paper - JUST FOR DECORATION!: Price unknown

SkinBag Wedding Dress: Price depends on measurements of the deeply disturbed bride.

Skin Burqa: $1274

Happy Halloween, faithful readers!