LOL New Moon K Thx Bye

See this?



This is a dead horse. And I'm about to beat it senseless.

I don't like Twilight. Almost as much as I DO like zombies.

You know that when your plot can be summarized by a few Lolcats in Lolspeak, it's not the greatest story in the world. Well, a blogger named "B." took Stephenie Meyer's second book, and turned it into what it truly is - a bunch of gibberish.

For those of you who aren't "in the know," an Lolcat is a picture of a cat with a funny caption. These captions are usually written in Lolspeak, or the way that we all imagine cats (and other animals) talk/type. Cats, as we know, have horrible grammar skills. You can find plenty of examples of Lolcats and Lolspeak at icanhascheezburger.com - just in case you want to prepare for what is to come - Lolspeak can take some getting used to.

Anyway, I've ado-ed enough - here is the beginning of New Moon LOL-style, and you can find the rest of the story on B's blog by clicking here.




So there you go. That's pretty much two-thirds of the book right there. But you can get the rest of the Lolstory by clicking here and going to the Pop Suede blog.

K Thx Bye!

New Moon in a Nutshell

Now, some people are fans of New Moon and some people are not, some people are Team Edward and some are Team Jacob, but whether you like the Twilight series or you don't, this article (sent to me by, alert reader, Miss Berrie) is quite entertaining!

It comes from the mind of Eric D. Snider, a "freelance writer, critic, columnist, humorist, bon vivant, raconteur and man-about-town," according to his site. I've read his work before, and I quite enjoy it, but this particular article made me guffaw. . .out loud. . .at work.

You can read the article in its entirety and the comments at his official site if you click here, but I just wanted to share a few excerpts from his "rejected" screenplay for New Moon below in hopes that you'll go to his site and read the full article:

MY SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION OF STEPHENIE MEYER'S "NEW MOON"
By Eric D. Snider

Scene 2

BELLA: Hello, my undead stalker! How are you?

EDWARD: Brooding and tortured as always.

BELLA: Wonderful! Hey, Charlie gave me a camera. Could you, a vampire, please stand here in broad daylight so I can take your photograph? Oh, and hold this cross, this holy water, and this clove of garlic, too.

BRAM STOKER: (turns over in grave)

JACOB: Hey, Bella! Remember me?

BELLA: By the steroids of A-Rod! Jacob, you're huge! I've never seen such a hunky, delicious slab of Indian meat! Tell the women in your village they don't have to go down to the river to do laundry anymore, they can beat their clothes against your abs!

EDWARD: I'm standing right here, Bella.

BELLA: Not now, Powder.

Scene 4

JESSICA: I'm so glad we're hanging out again, Bella! You were such a drag when you were depressed that I'd forgotten what a drag you also are when you're not depressed!

BIKER DUDE: Hey, sour-faced emo chick! Wanna ride on my motorcycle!

BELLA: Eh, sure, why not?

EDWARD: Bella! Don't do it!

BELLA: What the eff? Edward?

EDWARD: I'm here in ghost form, or possibly just in your imagination, to warn you against doing things that are obviously stupid and should require no special warning!

BELLA: I've missed you so much, Ghost Edward! But I'm doing it anyway.

EDWARD: Don't! It's reckless!

BELLA: More reckless than dating a vampire?

EDWARD: Don't argue with Ghost Edward!

Scene 6

ALICE: Bella, Edward thinks you're dead, and he's going to kill himself! It's just like the end of "Romeo and Juliet," which you happened to be reading earlier in the movie! Who could have foreseen that it would come up again??

BELLA: Well, you, with your psychic powers.

ALICE: Yes. Also, anyone who's ever seen a movie before.

BELLA: We have to get to Italy to stop Edward!

ALICE: What about your father?

BELLA: My what now?

ALICE: Your dad? Charlie?

BELLA: I don't even know who you're talking about.

ALICE: I should warn you, Edward is trying to provoke the Volturi into killing him, and they are not to be messed with. They're creepy, soulless monsters -- and that's just Dakota Fanning.

BELLA: Please, I know all about vampires. They sparkle in the sunlight, they never drink blood, and they listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Duh.

BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)

Like I said, this is just an excerpt, to read the entire hilarious article, just click on the link above, or click right here. Or click this one. Or this one, just for good measure.

Let's keep the Twilight jokes rolling, folks!

And I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Worse!

We all can agree that Twilight is awful.

So I'm not going to take up a bunch of time in this post about how it is poorly written, folkloreickly inaccurate (yes, I just made up the word "folkloreickly" and I'm ok with that and am sure it will catch on with the tweens), irresponsible, pornographic, long-winded, pretentious pseudo-literature. I will also stay away from the fact that it has caused unrealistic expectations in "grown" women about what their boyfriends/husbands should be like. And I won't even mention how it gives jerk boyfriends/husbands a free pass to act like jerk husbands/boyfriends because, apparently, that is what women want/need. I like to use slashes.

No, I'm not going to talk about any of that, because the situation has just gotten much, much worse.

"What can be worse than Twilight, The Former 786?" you may ask. A very good question, my friend. Faithful reader, Jeff Tromphlin, shared with me an animated comic from Bluewater Productions. No, this is not a comic version of Twilight. This is the "world’s first biographical motion comic" about the life of Stephenie Meyer. That's right, it's about the poorly dressed, folkloreickly inaccurate (See? It's catching on already!), irresponsible, pornographic, long-winded, pretentious pseudo-author. "Harsh!" you say?

Check out this synopsis and judge for yourself:

http://www.bluewaterprod.com/news/stephenie_meyer_ff.php

I'll let you digest that for a moment.

Done vomiting? Ok, then.

May I say it seems weird that Dracula is the one narrating this story, when Ms. Meyer pretty much took Bram Stoker's creation and threw glitter and bows all over it.

This comic comes from a Bluewater Productions' series called "Female Force" which claims to be a "broad examination of strong women in politics." And Stephenie Meyer fits in that category. . .how. . .? I guess the tale of her life wasn't that interesting because the animated comic also throws in the history of Forks, Washington - a city where. . .well, nothing has really happened.

Her story is pretty much this: Stephenie Meyer went to college. One night, she had a crazy dream about a sexy vampire who didn't follow any of the rules vampires normally do and was a combination of abusive boyfriends from her past. Oh, and he sparkled, too. So Stephenie decided to write down the dream and then sell it. The End.

Wow, I should be a writer for Bluewater Productions. Although I hear they don't pay that well.

So that's that. Sorry if this entry seems a little bitter. It's late, I'm tired, and this stupid Twilight craze just won't go away.

*Sigh*

Watch Out!

I'm coming for you, Edward!

As soon as I save up enough money, that is. . .

Twilight??? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

I know I've expressed some animosity about the Twilight series before. . .



But I've found yet another reason why I dislike Stephenie Meyer and her ghastly creation:

Twilight fans are completely crazy!

Breaking Silence

I can't take it anymore!

I've stood by silently for too long. I may have commented privately to certain individuals about my feelings in the past, but I need to broadcast my feelings to the world now.

I hate the Twilight series.

I've read too many blogs and have listened to too many people gushing about how much they love the series and how wonderful the books are. What a crock!

I initially had no problem with the books when they first came out. I even thought about reading them. I mean, after all, I like vampires. I like werewolves. I like reading good books. However, I soon found out that the very reason I dislike this series is precisely because of how much I like the aforementioned things.

Now I realize that it wasn't fair for me to judge the books without reading them. Therefore, I read the whole series on Wikipedia (which was painful enough, believe me). Before I just disliked them - now I hate them.

Why, you may ask? I'll tell you why (that's the purpose of this post, afterall). But it wouldn't be fair to give a one-sided criticism about this series of books, so I will now list the pros and cons of Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.




WARNING! THIS POST WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FROM ALL OF THE BOOKS.




Pros:

1. The covers are kind of cool (although Stephenie Meyer admitted she really didn't have much to do with those).

Cons:

1. The books are not well-written. I've heard from a number of different people (some of them who even liked the books) that the writing is repetitive, immature and cliched.

2. Vampires have fangs. As far as I can tell Edward and his gang basically just gnaw at the necks of their victims. Fangs, I guess, would have been too unattractive for Ms. Meyer. Joss Whedon managed to make vampires attractive with fangs, though, as well as others.

3. They're trashy romance novels for pre-teen girls. If you look at the storyline, the writing and the characters this is a romance novel like any other romance novel (i.e. strong-willed woman and the mysterious man who she fears, and then loves.) This is the gateway book to get girls reading Danielle Steele and the like.

4. Bella, the main character, wants to have sex, wants to become a vampire (aka "The damned") and yet she freaks out when Edward DARES to suggest marriage. Do I need to say anymore on this one?

5. Bella is a selfish, self-centered, whiny, manipulative, moody idiot. I do not like her as a fictional character. I could not relate to her as a protagonist. I don't want my daughter to emulate her and I would not want to associate with someone like her in real life.

6. Vampires burn in the daylight. In almost any other vampire folklore sunlight will turn vampires to ash and dust. On the contrary, in these novels the sun makes them glisten and sparkle. Once again, this is Stephanie trying to make the vampires seem more appealing and marketable instead of having any regard for the years of traditional folklore that came before her.

7. Stephenie Meyer admitted that she didn't do any research when she wrote these books. That explains a lot, but it's not an excuse. I would give you the reference for that quote, but I decided not to do any research when writing this post.

8. Vampires don't attend school. Sure, they may get bored, but since they're stuck at one age for eternity I don't think he could pass as a student for very long. Apparently Edward is going to look like a high-school student forever. Acne? Forever? Sounds horrible to me.

9. How many times can you say that Edward is "like marble" or "cold stone," Stephenie?? Seriously!

10. Vampires aren't witches, wizards or mutants. Apparently Meyer got "supernatural" mixed up with "superheroes" and made it so her vampires can read minds, see the future (but they can't see werewolves in their visions. . .that would be crazy) and create invisible shields. They're vampires, Stephenie, not the X-men.

11. This isn't an original idea. There have been a ton of stories about a mortal girl falling for a vampire before. There was even an entire book series called "The Vampire Diaries" which was released back in the 90s and there are some striking similarities in their stories.

12. I don't like Jacob. He follows Bella around like a little lost puppy (HA! It's a canine joke!) even though she treats him like dirt and OBVIOUSLY was going to end up with Edward. Plus, he is in love with Edward and Bella's baby. EW!

13. The whole concept of "imprinting" is just ridiculous. It just is. Face it.

14. There is WAY too much sex in these books. Especially in the last one. Good heavens, Meyer, know your audience! Quit talking about how violent vampire sex is and how much Bella wants to have it! These books are for little girls, for crying out loud!

15. The books make references to Shakespeare and other great literature. If you're a beginning writer, don't mention classic writings in your book - it only draws comparison to your work. And trust me, Stephenie, you don't want that.

16. Bella gets too depressed, too often. She's teaching young girls that it's ok to act like it's the end of the world when your high school boyfriend breaks up with you.

17. Edward gets too depressed, too often. He contemplates suicide when he thinks she's dead. Dude, you're telling me that in the last 100 years or so that you've been alive that you've never had a girl leave you before? Bella's not that great, Edward. You could have done better.

18. Vampires sleep in coffins. This is usually to help shield them from the sunlight, but Stephenie already threw that theory out the window along with fact that vampires can't see their reflection (Alice shows Bella her reflection in a mirror after she becomes a vampire).

19. Stephenie calls them "werewolves" during the whole series and then suddenly revealed at the end that they were just "shape-shifters" that happen to turn into wolves. This ruined most of my complaints about the way she portrayed werewolves (i.e. they communicate telepathically, they are conscious of their actions when they're wolves, they protect the human race and they ride motorcycles - werewolves only ride on top of vans) since they weren't real werewolves anyway. Touche, Ms. Meyer. You win this round by your "clever" twist at the end.

20. Vampires can't have children! Once again, for those of you who didn't get it the first time, they're damned. They can't progress. They're creatures who are cursed. Even the great Edward himself states that a vampire is a "soulless monster." Stephenie Meyer tries to wrap it up in a neat, little package, but there is no "happily ever after" for vampires.


END OF SPOILERS




So, there you go. I could (and maybe should) go on, but I'll leave it at this for now. I've weighed the pros and cons of the books and now you can decide for yourself what you think about them - after all, everyone is entitled to their opinion.