Monday, January 18, 2010

Unexpected Consequences of Tw**ight Bashing

Many of you faithful readers know about my strong disdain toward a certain trashy romance novel series about pseudo-vampires, and also toward a certain author who threw tradition and folklore out the window in order to make her characters more romantic to teen girls (and some "grown" women).

However, in my quest to find any and all mockery of the synonym-for-dusk series and put it on my blog I have encountered a very disturbing twist - my Google Ads can't tell the difference between fandom and foe-dom.

One of you informed me that there were ads for N*w M**n auditions on my blog. I, of course, thought you were an insane, lighter-sniffing drool-head (which would make a great band name!). But then I saw, with my own two eyes, the horribly misplaced ads - my blog had become an advertisement for the very thing I was fighting against.

So what is a traditional vampire fan (and a fan of good literature/film) supposed to do? I can't stop mocking the aforementioned books and movies! After all, all that is necessary for the triumph of the author who doesn't spell her name right is that lovers of good books do nothing. So I'm just going to have to be cautious about the words I use.

So, without further ado, I present to you this article from The Onion, sent in by, alert reader, Jeff Tromphlin, satirizing the-books-that-must-not-be-named (edited for Tw*l*ght content):

Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into [CENSORED] Novels

January 11, 2010 | Issue 46•02

NEW ORLEANS—Acknowledging years of marital dissatisfaction and a noticeable increase in her vampire husband's weight, 43-year-old Sara Pastor told reporters Thursday that she often seeks solace by losing herself in the escapist fantasy of the [CENSORED] novels.

Enlarge Image Vampire and Wife

The Pastors settle in for what has become a typical Friday night together.

The New Orleans resident said it's been ages since her husband, 834-year-old Andrei Pastor, bought her flowers, took her dancing, or appeared at her second-story window and charmed her into allowing him inside. According to Sara, she purchased the first book in St*ph*nie M*y*r's young-adult vampire romance series 14 months ago, while waiting for her husband to pick her up from the airport, and has taken refuge in the novels ever since.

"Ed**rd is so romantic," said Pastor, referring to Ed**rd Cu**en, [CENSORED]'s vampire hero. "He loves [17-year-old protagonist] Be**a so much that he runs away from her to protect her. My husband, on the other hand, hasn't posed any kind of danger to me in years."

"Sometimes I wish I could just open up the pages and jump right into Be**a's skin," Sara continued. "I know it's silly, but what's wrong with wanting a little romance and adventure from your undead husband?"

Sara and Andrei met in 1988, when, as college students, they both volunteered to organize a campus blood drive. Sara reportedly found Andrei's nocturnal lifestyle exotic and thrilling, and two years later, they were married in a nighttime ceremony guests described as a "storybook wedding."

At first Sara was content with her role as homemaker, cleaning the vast Gothic manse the couple shared and cooking meals that met the strict sanguinary requirements of Andrei's diet. But according to friends, things started to change a few years ago.

Enlarge Image Cleaning Up Blood

Sara Pastor can't even remember the last time her husband battled a wolf for her affection.

Sara's dream husband began spending more and more time secluded in darkened alcoves with his cape drawn over his face. Before long, Andrei—once a stealthy hunter who easily stalked young and healthy prey—started feeding excessively on any slow-moving person who happened to wander by the house, and soon ballooned to almost twice his normal weight.

"When we were first married, Andrei was so dark and mysterious," Pastor said wistfully. "These days, pretty much all he does is sit around swilling blood and watching ESPN."

Added Pastor, "Ed**rd would never do that to Be**a."

Now, sources close to the couple report, whenever Andrei leaves the house to feast on the vital fluids of a bedridden shut-in, Sara retreats to the fictional world of Fo**s, WA, often reading and rereading the same erotic passages from her dog-eared copy of Br**king D**n.

"Arizona, Italy, Brazil—Ed**rd Cu**en travels everywhere for his love," said Pastor, sounding increasingly flustered. "Anytime I want to visit my family in Houston or go on a vacation, Andrei gives me the same old line: 'Sorry, but I can't risk being caught out in the sunlight.' Well, that sure didn't stop him back in 1895 when he came over here from Eastern Europe."

According to Sara, by last year she felt so cooped up that she took a job at a local Olive Garden "just to get out of the house." She woke each morning at 10 a.m. and came home at dusk, her clothes still smelling of garlic.

It wasn't long before the two started sleeping in separate coffins.

"Every time I get to the part where Ed**rd reveals himself to Be**a in the sunlight, I start to cry," Pastor said. "Ed**rd is so beautiful, his skin begins to sparkle in the sun. The closest Andrei ever comes to sparkling is when sweat beads up on his chunky thighs after he's climbed a flight of stairs."

Though sources confirm Andrei won't entertain the idea of a divorce, it's uncertain how long the marriage can last under these conditions.

"If Sara wants to live in her little fantasy world all the time, that's her choice," Andrei Pastor, Vicomte of Bazargic, said when reached for comment. "She might think life is just one big fairy tale, but it's not."

Added the vampire, "I've been around 800 years, and I think I know a thing or two about the real world."

Keep sending in those articles/comics/parodies about T****t! I think I've found my loophole!

1 comment:

--jeff * said...

i figured you put up the casting call for the newest movie as a good bit of irony yourself. i was amused and actually thought about registering myself. it could be my big break.