It comes from the mind of Eric D. Snider, a "freelance writer, critic, columnist, humorist, bon vivant, raconteur and man-about-town," according to his site. I've read his work before, and I quite enjoy it, but this particular article made me guffaw. . .out loud. . .at work.
You can read the article in its entirety and the comments at his official site if you click here, but I just wanted to share a few excerpts from his "rejected" screenplay for New Moon below in hopes that you'll go to his site and read the full article:
By Eric D. Snider
BELLA: Hello, my undead stalker! How are you?
EDWARD: Brooding and tortured as always.
BELLA: Wonderful! Hey, Charlie gave me a camera. Could you, a vampire, please stand here in broad daylight so I can take your photograph? Oh, and hold this cross, this holy water, and this clove of garlic, too.
BRAM STOKER: (turns over in grave)
JACOB: Hey, Bella! Remember me?
BELLA: By the steroids of A-Rod! Jacob, you're huge! I've never seen such a hunky, delicious slab of Indian meat! Tell the women in your village they don't have to go down to the river to do laundry anymore, they can beat their clothes against your abs!
EDWARD: I'm standing right here, Bella.
BELLA: Not now, Powder.
Scene 4JESSICA: I'm so glad we're hanging out again, Bella! You were such a drag when you were depressed that I'd forgotten what a drag you also are when you're not depressed!
BIKER DUDE: Hey, sour-faced emo chick! Wanna ride on my motorcycle!
BELLA: Eh, sure, why not?
EDWARD: Bella! Don't do it!
BELLA: What the eff? Edward?
EDWARD: I'm here in ghost form, or possibly just in your imagination, to warn you against doing things that are obviously stupid and should require no special warning!
BELLA: I've missed you so much, Ghost Edward! But I'm doing it anyway.
EDWARD: Don't! It's reckless!
BELLA: More reckless than dating a vampire?
EDWARD: Don't argue with Ghost Edward!
ALICE: Bella, Edward thinks you're dead, and he's going to kill himself! It's just like the end of "Romeo and Juliet," which you happened to be reading earlier in the movie! Who could have foreseen that it would come up again??
BELLA: Well, you, with your psychic powers.
ALICE: Yes. Also, anyone who's ever seen a movie before.
BELLA: We have to get to Italy to stop Edward!
ALICE: What about your father?
BELLA: My what now?
ALICE: Your dad? Charlie?
BELLA: I don't even know who you're talking about.
ALICE: I should warn you, Edward is trying to provoke the Volturi into killing him, and they are not to be messed with. They're creepy, soulless monsters -- and that's just Dakota Fanning.
BELLA: Please, I know all about vampires. They sparkle in the sunlight, they never drink blood, and they listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Duh.
BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)