Found Footage: We Need to Keep Filming!

There comes a time in every found footage movie where it has to rationalize its existence. Because, as you faithful readers know, there is a point in any real-life disaster situation where people would actually use common sense and stop filming. If that happened in a found footage film, however, the movie would end pretty abruptly and probably tick off the audience -- even though some people claim they want "reality" in their movies. Therefore, in every single found footage movie someone has to justify why the camera is still rolling, in order to help the audience suspend their disbelief for a little bit longer.

So I'd like to take a moment and point out the "keep filming" moment in five found footage films that I've seen. Some are more effective than others.

The Blair Witch Project

The Plot: A group of film students go out in the woods to make a documentary about an urban legend. They get lost and bad stuff (and bad language) starts to happen.
The Keep Filming Moment:
Mike:  Nothing, I don't understand why you have to have every conversation on video?
Heather:  Because I'm making a documentary.
Mike:  Not about us getting lost!  We're making a documentary about a Witch! 
Heather:  I have a camera.  It doesn't hurt, because I'm sure we'll look back at this and laugh heartily.
Does it Work? Yes, this one actually does work. Actually, there are a couple times in the movie when Josh and Mike tell Heather to turn off the camera, but she keeps telling them she wants to document it. I've met a few film students in my life and they definitely would be the type to keep the camera rolling, no matter what. It's all about the art. I do have issues with how long their batteries and tape last, but that's another story.

Cloverfield

The Plot: A giant monster emerges from the sea and attacks New York and causes everyone's camera to become abnormally shaky until they need to reveal something important.
The Keep Filming Moment:
Rob Hawkins: Still filming?
Hud: Yeah, people are gonna want to know... how it all went down.
Rob Hawkins: Well, you can just tell them how it all went down, Hud.
Hud: No, that wouldn't work. People need to see this, you know? It's gonna be important. People are going to watch this.
Does it Work? Not really. There is mass destruction and people dying all around him, yet Hud still feels the need to get the camera angle right instead of running for his life. Any normal human being would have given up letting people know "how it all went down" after his first friend got killed. Plus, this guy's footage isn't anything the national news desks would have used.
 
Paranormal Activity
The Plot: Strange things are happening at a family's house, so they decide to install cameras and film everything they do.
The Keep Filming Moment:
Katie: Will you stop following me with the camera?!
Micah: I'm trying to solve the problem. I didn't bring that thing to the house.
Does it Work? Kind of. Most of the footage is from passive filming from the installed cameras instead of the handheld, and the craziest stuff doesn't happen until the end of the movie, but I still can't see a wife agreeing to have her every move filmed. . .unless she was a reality TV star.
Note: This entry would pretty much be the same for any of the sequels, so I've decided to forgo listing them here.


Chronicle
The Plot: A group of teenage boys encounter a green, glowing thing and get fun, telekinetic powers that soon spiral out of control -- as these types of powers are wont to do if put in the hands of teenage boys. I mean, just look at what Boy Scouts do with a match. With great power, comes great responsibility, guys.

The Keep Filming Moment: 
They start out justifying the filming like this:
Matt: So...should I ask about the camera, or-
Andrew: I’m filming things now. I’m filming everything.
Matt: You’re filming everything.
Andrew: For my mom. I’m trying to get custody of her from my dad. She’s getting worse, and he’s not...helping, and this way, in case something goes down-
Matt: He gets violent or whatever-
Andrew: Right, it’d be evidence.
Matt: Evidence. But you’re not with him right now, but you’re filming this.
Andrew: Well, yeah, to add context.
Matt: Context. Andrew, you are...a weird dude.

And then, after things start getting crazy, this line happens:

Steve: I have to admit, though, I don’t understand the filming thing.
Andrew: I told you, it’s just my thing for right now.
Steve: You don’t feel like it’s a little weird? Like it puts a barrier between you and everything?
Andrew: Maybe I want a barrier.
Steve: Okay. I respect that.
Does it Work? Not really. I get that Andrew would be filming stuff at the beginning, but after they get their powers, the filmmakers really start to stretch the camera use reasoning pretty thin, including a climax where multiple cameras are used to get every possible cool angle. I think Chronicle would have worked just fine as a normal movie.

Quarantine

The Plot: A news team rides along with some firefighters and ends up getting. . .wait for it. . .quarantined in a building with a bunch of contagious creatures.
The Keep Filming Moment:
Angela: Tape everything, you hear me? Tape everything!
And
Angela: We are filming this! People are going to see what you're doing to us!
Does it Work? Yeah. Angela is a pretty stubborn reporter who's trying to make it big, so I could see her trying to get the story, no matter what was going on. Plus, after they trap her in the building, she threatens the SWAT team with the footage she's gathering. Nevertheless, that still doesn't justify them giving away the ending in the trailer.






There. Now you'll be more aware of/annoyed by this trope the next time you watch a found footage movie. Consider yourself educated!

By the way, have you noticed that found footage films seem to almost all be horror or sci-fi movies. What's up with that? I hope, if any filmmakers are reading this, they'll also see the folly in this method of creating a movie. Some movies, like The Blair Witch, make sense, but other movies, like Chronicle, would have worked fine with a standard narrative structure and didn't need the gimmick of found footage -- yes, it's a gimmick, a tired gimmick that needs to be retired almost as much as the inspirational sports movie, the historical racial inequality movie and the inspirational teacher movie. Let's see some fresh material, Hollywood.

Although, if you think about it, it's 2013. Most people have actually used common sense and stopped blogging a long time ago. Yet I keep going. . .

I guess one day I'll have to justify why I'm still doing Slice of Fried Gold.

Marching Band 2.0

Faithful readers, I may get in trouble for this post, so I'm just going to keep it short and to the point. I'm not a big fan of marching band halftime shows.

Yes, they must have been highly entertaining back when people didn't have iPods or color televisions, but nowadays they lack a certain. . .je ne sais quoi that puts them on the D level of entertainment (below things like movies, TV, music, amusement parks, video games and comedy shows, but still above hiking, experimental theatre, gardening, and well above any book written by Stephenie Meyer).

I respect and admire the discipline it takes to be part of marching band (and I have several in-laws who participated in marching band -- hence the trouble I'm going to be in), but this brand of entertainment really needs to step up it's game to compete with the HD, 7.1, CGI entertainment world that surrounds audiences today.

In short, more marching bands need to do stuff like this:



Now THAT'S entertainment. My thanks to, alert reader, Mike for sending this in.

I hope my in-laws can forgive me for this confession. I love and appreciate you all. . . 

. . .please don't hit me with your trumpets.

Movies By the Numbers

When it comes to movies, I have a pretty good memory. No, I won't be able to quote a line by heart after the first viewing (like some alert readers I know), but I can tell you, from memory, that Ferris Bueller skipped school nine times, that there are 12 cabins at the Bates Motel, and that Sauron created one ring to rule them all. However, I can't even fathom how long it would take to research and create a video like this:



Impressive, no? I tip my hat to you, AlonzoMosleyFBI for your dedication in finding 100 different movies that happened to mention a number and putting them in numerical order. He's even insightful enough to know that inquiring minds like myself will want to know which movie is which in that montage, so he created a list on his blog. Sidenote: I've seen 64 of the 100 films he chose.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, two years after AlonzoMosleyFBI created that "100 Movies, 100 Quotes, 100 Numbers" he decided to do it again, this time with the characters mentioning dates from 1900 to 2000. Yes, certain ones like 1955 and 1985 might be obvious, but I was amazed that he found a film for every year within that century.



Well done, AlonzoMosleyFBI! Once again, here's the list of movies he used in that video. I've seen 59 out of the 100.

AlonzoMosleyFBI, if you're out there, and if you're a faithful reader of this blog, and if you're taking requests, might I recommend doing a montage of seven different movies that each mention a different color in our visible spectrum of light. In fact, I've already done the research and I have your list, right here:

Red - This one was easy.
Orange - I couldn't decide whether to use this clip for "orange" or "blue."
Yellow - Nobody tells me I can't get a clip for yellow. Nobody!
Green - Careful, this clip features some spoilers from this classic 80s comedy. 
Blue - I couldn't use my first choice, so I went with this one.
Indigo - Uh. . . does this work?
Violet - Triple points!

Impressed? I thought so. I didn't even use Google! These were all from memory, and it was a little harder than I thought it'd be. I don't know how AlonzoMosleyFBI does it.

My Little Bronies

Recently an alert reader named Sara sent me a message that simply said "Have you ever heard of Bronies? You should look into that. Also, your blog is awesome and you are hilarious and awesome." Or something like that.

Anyway, I accepted her challenge and took on the task of investigating the enigmatic "Bronies." I already knew a little bit about them, because of an episode of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, as well as numerous internet jokes and memes, but I admit that my perception was a bit off.

In my mind, Bronies were a small, but enthusiastic group of. . .shall we say "flamboyant" male fans of My Little Pony. I imagined them getting together regularly, dressing like their favorite member of the My Little Pony franchise and larping or reciting pony poetry or something like that. I imagined them as older, single, socially awkward beings living in their parents basement -- only achieving true happiness when they finally won the bidding war on that vintage Skydancer limited edition figurine with the misprinted cutie mark in mint condition.

In short, I pictured them like this:

So, imagine my surprise when I found out (through the tried and true truth factory of Wikipedia) that there are actually thousands of Bronies in the world. Yes, some of them participate in cosplay and go to conventions, but most of them are normal, well-adjusted human beings who are fans of the My Little Pony reboot series called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, which is a little different from what I remember the old school My Little Pony TV series to be. This new version of My Little Pony is still for kids, but it features some elements that appeal to adults, as well. Apparently, many of these Bronies are just regular guys who enjoy clever humor and good writing -- no matter what the TV show is.

And, the more I read about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and it's fandom, the more intrigued I became in actually watching the show. Now, before you judge me, you should know that this series features humor aimed at adults. For example, there's a shout-out to The Big Lebowski, a pony that somewhat resembled Dr. Who (nicknamed Doctor Whooves by the Bronies) and a character whom the fans have named Derpy Hooves -- what's not to love about that? And while the creators of the show are aware and happy with the adult fans of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, they still aim to keep the show geared toward kids.

So I gave it a shot.

I wasn't comfortable watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on my own, so I made sure to include my kids on the first viewing. I gave this show my standard six-episode chance. I'll give any 20-minute sitcom six episodes to impress me. The 45-minute shows usually only get three episodes to get me interested. Anyway, after a little bit of a rocky start, I soon found myself chuckling at a joke in an episode. Then I started to actually enjoy the show. Now don't get me wrong, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is no Phineas and Ferb, but it's fun. I even watched two of the six episodes on my own, without my kids.

Am I a Brony? No. Not yet. Am I a fan of the show? Well, I've already recommended it to some people (one of which hated it) so. . .yes? Will I watch any more episodes? Maybe. I don't think I'll seek them out on my own, but I won't be so quick to walk out of the room if my kids turn it on.

So there it is, faithful readers. I'm a grown man (with kids) who enjoys watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (when my kids are watching it). Look what you've done to me, Sara. You made this happen:

I hope you're happy with yourself.

To Live Action and Beyond!

Live-action remakes of cartoons are rarely good. For every live-action version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which isn't that bad), there's a live-action The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, The Smurfs, The Last Airbender, The Flintstones, Yogi Bear, Garfield and sixteen live-action Alvin and the Chipmunk movies. I don't like those odds. If you're planning on making a live-action film based on a beloved cartoon from your childhood, do us all a favor and take your script, shred it, burn it, bury it, salt the ground it was buried in, pour gasoline on the ground and light it on fire and then extinguish the fire with holy water.

That is, of course, your name is Jonason Pauley or Jesse Perrotta. These two guys have raised the bar when it comes to fan-made YouTube tributes. These guys did a live-action adaptation of Toy Story, and it's pretty darn amazing. This isn't a sweded version of the movie, either. This is a full-blown, full-length, well-done version of an iconic animated film.

Check it out:



Yes, it's the whole movie, so I don't expect you faithful readers to watch it in its entirety now. However, the next time your children (or your spouse that acts like a child) wants to watch Toy Story, throw this one on and see if it does the trick.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to finish up my screenplay for my live-action remake of Ferngully: The Last Rainforest.

Five Movies I Didn't Finish

Faithful readers, I have a hard time walking away from a movie before it's over. I tend to watch films until the bitter end, even if it makes me miserable. I mean, I have watched both The Day of the Dolphin AND The Dolphin: Story of a Dreamer in their entirety! And neither one of those movies should have been created, let alone watched. Nevertheless, there's always a part of me that needs to know how the story ends, no matter how dumb the movie may be. Also, when I'm watching a bad movie (like Lady in the Water), I just keep hoping that it will have some redeeming moment at the end (which Lady in the Water doesn't have), and it's that hope that drives me to the finish (and makes me finish movies like Lady in the Water).

However, out of the 4,815,162,342 films I've seen in my lifetime, there are a handful of movies I didn't finish. These aren't my worst hated movies -- after all, it's not really fair to pass final judgement on half-watched movies -- but here are some of the films that I found to be so bland or intolerable, that I stopped watching them and don't care to ever finish them.

High School High

I remember watching this one with my family at my sister's basement apartment when I was a teenager. We had no idea what we were in for, but soon discovered this movie is nothing more than one tasteless joke after another. I truly believe that the "inspirational teacher" genre needs to be mocked and mocked often, but this movie crossed the line too many times, and it wasn't humorous enough to justify us keeping it on. Jon Lovitz is a funny man, but this movie would not be useful evidence of the aforementioned statement in a court of law. And since I watched this movie back in the 90s, I didn't even have the internet resources to look up the ending and satisfy my curiosity. Maybe I'll do that now. Hold on one sec. . .
 . . .Yup. I'm glad we turned it off. That was stupid. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the worst movies in the world are comedies.

The Aviator
I feel somewhat ashamed of not finishing this one because it's a Best Picture nominee and it stars Kate Beckinsale. I hope that the lovely and talented Ms. Beckinsale can forgive me. However, after watching the first four and a half hours of The Aviator, I was bored and sleepy and decided to turn off the movie and do something more productive. My plan was to go back and finish this movie later, especially because of the potential of another Kate Beckinsale scene, but I never got around to it. There always seemed to be something more interesting to do than watch Leo DiCaprio brood at the camera. Personally, I preferred it when Howard Hughes was portrayed by John Locke in The Rocketeer.

Dreamgirls
Now, some of you out there may disagree with this one, but I found Dreamgirls to be utterly boring. So boring, in fact, that I didn't even remember watching it until I found it in my Netflix viewing history. To be fair, I'm not the target demographic for this movie -- I'm not black, I'm not a woman and I'm not entertained by two-hour music videos. This movie seemed to be nothing more than a showcase for the vocal chords of Beyoncé and Jennifér. Eddie Murphy boldly stepped out from behind Donkey's shadow and gave a dramatic, live-action performance. But who wants to see Eddie Murphy do serious drama? If I want to see Eddie Murphy not be funny, I'll watch . . .anything he did after 1988. I don't remember what, exactly, drew me away from the TV when watching this movie, but I do remember being relieved that I didn't have to finish it.

Post Grad
My wife chose to rent Post Grad. I agreed to watch it because it starred Michael Keaton, who is fun to watch, and Alexis Bledel, who is nice to look at. I fell asleep during this movie. I made it through about two-thirds of Post Grad before the lack of laughter dragged my eyelids down. This movie tried to be original, but it followed the predictable path of the rom-com to the point where I knew exactly where it was going -- which is why my brain no longer felt compelled to watch it. When I woke up the next morning, I asked my wife how the movie ended. She told me, and then apologized for wasting a Netflix shipment on it. I forgave her, and I also forgave Vicky Jenson, the director of Post Grad. After all, she was a storyboard artist for He-Man, (The Not Real) Ghostbusters AND Jem. My childhood thanks you, Ms. Jenson, but please just stick to drawing.

Once

I will now explain to you the plot of Once: a street performer meets a girl and they sing together. Then they talk for a bit. Then they go somewhere and sing together. Then ***spoiler alert*** they go somewhere else and sing together. That's about as far as we got before my wife told me she was too ill to continue watching it, so we turned it off and went to bed. I sent it back to Netflix the next day without finishing it, but I did look up the ending on Wikipedia. ***spoiler alert*** They wander around and sing some more. Much like Dreamgirls, this movie bored me because it felt like I was watching the movie's soundtrack. This was just a vehicle to get people interested in the music of Glen Hansard, and to help people pronounce the name of Markéta Irglová (Won-HEET-Won-Dur). It's such a boring story that they don't even bother to name the main characters! Hansard plays "Guy" and Irglová plays "Girl." Other character names in this film include, and I'm not making this up, Guy's Dad, Girl's Mother, Bassist, Lead Guitarist, Man Watching TV and, of course, Heroin Addict. I do like the song Falling Slowly, but as far as the movie goes you could say Once. . .was enough.


So there you have it. There are five movies I didn't finish. There's nothing drawing me back to them, either, so unless any of you have some strong feelings toward any of these films and/or have a powerful rebuttal, I'll probably never finish them. . .except maybe for the one with Kate Beckinsale in it.

What about you, faithful readers? What movies have you stopped watching mid-way through and never finished? And do you think you'll ever go back and finish them?

Keep Calm and Manatee On

Recently a woman named Susan Clemens noticed something was a little strange when it came to a Mossimo women's kimono maxi dress Target was selling. In the standard sizes the dress color was listed as "dark grey," but when you selected the plus size, the color changed to "manatee grey." Ouch. Target claimed that it was a miscommunication, but I wrote apparel copy for three years, and I'm willing to bet that there's a copywriter out there still giggling about this "mistake."

However, I'm worried that Target's faux pas may cause some negative feelings toward the manatee. This majestic cow of the sea is an amazing creature and doesn't deserve those antagonistic glances. In fact, manatees are actually very concerned about your well-being and happiness. Don't believe me? Check out this website sent in by, alert reader, Jeff. It's called Calming Manatee and it features a series of pictures with manatees attempting to make your day better. And if the manatee that appears doesn't have a message that speaks peace to your mind, just hit refresh and you'll be treated to another.

Here are some of my favorite calming manatees:

There. Don't you feel better already? The site doesn't have as much variety as the Procatinator (nor does it have any music), but a manatee a day is sure to keep the blues away.

Although, if calming manatees aren't your thing, there are also comforting sharks:

I'll Stop the World and Melt With You

I know what you're doing right now, faithful readers. Wow. That came off creepier than I intended! What I meant to say was, I know what you're going through currently. For you see, today is the day after Easter, which means you have a bunch of candy (or, if you are a parent, your kids have a bunch of candy that is legally yours) that is just waiting to be eaten. But I also know that you, like me, realize that eating that much candy might make you sick and it could temporarily affect your perfectly toned six-pack.

It would be a shame to let all of that candy go to waste. So this week, I'm here to offer you a helpful suggestion that will allow you to "enjoy" the candy while still keeping comments such as "Didn't those pants used to fit you?" off of the table.

And here it is: Why not make an experimental film that deals with the destruction of your Easter treats? It sounds silly, I know, but take a look at this short film by a visionary team called Lernert & Sander, which is simply titled "Chocolate Bunny."



Deep.

Poignant.

Avant-garde.

These are just a few of the words I found in a thesaurus to describe the events you just saw unfold.

Seriously, though, that was pretty fun, wasn't it? Doesn't it make you want to forgo eating all of that candy and, instead, melt it with a hair dryer?

No? You're still planning on filling that hollow chocolate Easter bunny with peanut butter?

Darn. I tried.

Oh well.

That does sound pretty good, though. . .

. . . . .excuse me, I need to go unplug my iron.