When You Wish Upon a Star Wars

This week the news was dominated by Hurricane Sandy. For once, weather people felt like their choice of profession was validated. News anchors warned east coast residents to be prepared for the incoming storm, and reporters braved the horrendous conditions to show first-hand the devastation. Sandy took over the radio, the television and social media. Nothing could steal Sandy's thunder (pun intended)!

That is, until Disney bought Lucasfilm for 4.05 billion dollars and they announced Star Wars: Episode VII would be coming out in 2015.

Suddenly Twitter was back to being ruled by the rage-filled nerds it was intended for. Fanboys everywhere wept with joy and terror at what might happen with their beloved franchise. There's been a lot of speculation about what might happen with the future of the Star Wars franchise. Well, faithful readers, I've got some big news -- I used my connections over at Disney and Lucasfilm and got the inside scoop on what is to be expected in Episode 7. Get this -- Since it's a Disney movie it's going to be a musical! Plus, I have an EXCLUSIVE CLIP of the upcoming sequel, sent in by, alert reader, James.

Here's your special exclusive never-before-seen super-secret clip!



I got a bad feeling about this.

These Are Not the Calories You're Looking For

Some things are just so awesome that they just don't need a lot of words.

So, faithful readers, I present to you the rise and fall of a Stormtrooper:

 

 

What a way to go. This delicious dweebs' dessert was created by Oakleaf Cakes in Massachusetts for a Sci-Fi convention. If you go to their website you can see more photos about how this Imperial confection came to be. There's also a pretty cool animated graphic of the Stormtrooper cake being eaten.

Now stop drooling and move along, move along.

Millions of Voices Suddenly Cried Out in Terror

As a kid, it was hard for me to leave projects alone. I'd keep tinkering and tinkering, fixing this and adjusting that because I kept thinking I could do something to make the project better. Then I had a bit of a paradigm shift one day while I was cooking with my dad. I love garlic (which isn't the paradigm shift, but it PROVES I'm not a vampire) and I wanted to add a bunch of garlic powder to the soup we were making. My father told me something I've never forgotten. He said, "Son, you're adopted and I hate you."

I'm kidding. He said, "Well, you can put all the garlic powder you want into the soup. . .but you can't take any back out." I was just about to argue that I if accidentally dumped too much garlic powder in the soup, I could spoon it off the top before I stirred it in, but then the point of what he said sunk in (much like garlic powder in to a pot of boiling soup): There's a point of no return when you keep tinkering with something. Eventually you can screw things up so royally that you can't fix it.

George Lucas has dumped too much garlic powder in the soup.

We all thought George Lucas had learned his lesson after creating that Bantha fodder of a variety show, The Star Wars Holiday Special. But then he also managed to give us a spunky little Anakin, Jar Jar Binks, a new ending to Return of the Jedi and "Nooooooooooooooo!" But still, Lucas' Star Wars soup was still somewhat palatable. Sure, we might not like the soup as much as we used to, but at least it evoked fond memories of our childhood, and if you added enough crackers and cheese, you could choke down the parts that were harder to swallow. Until now. . .

“Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering.” -Yoda

You'd think I'd be excited about a new Star Wars game. However, I must warn you, faithful readers, what you're about to see cannot be unseen. The video below, sent in by alert reader, Ted, will forever alter your perspective on some of the coolest characters in the Star Wars universe. Watch at your own peril and mental distress:



No, this isn't a parody. Kinect Star Wars is an officially licensed product from LucasArts and it makes my heart cry. Sure, there are other aspects of the game (including a lightsaber duel, which is appealing), but the Galactic Dance-Off, if you'll pardon my language, is a half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!

And if the sight of Han Solo doing the "trash compactor" wasn't bad enough, the game also features a song called "Princess in a Battle" (to the tune of "Princess in a Bottle"), "Hologram Girl" (which is, admittedly, better than "Hollaback Girl") and "Empire Today" ("YMCA").

Now what can we do about this? The sad fact is we can't do anything. We just have to deal with merchandising trash like this. Because, protest as we might, it seems that every time we shoot Lucas' ideas down, he becomes more crazy than we could possibly imagine.

Hold on tight, faithful readers. This crazy Star Wars roller coaster ain't over yet.

It Just Got Real in Here

My dad is the type of guy who wants complete realism in movies. He wants people to be injured in car crashes instead of walking away completely unharmed. He wants the apartment tenants to call the police as soon as they hear gunshots in the alley. He wants Kate Beckinsale to be in more movies. . .wait. . .that's me. He prefers Teri Garr.

Anyway, I think that my dad would enjoy movies a lot more if they had followed the laws of physics a little more. Take, for example, Star Wars. I love the films (not the books though - the books are for complete nerds and dweebs!), but when the Rebel fleet, led by Admiral Ackbar and Lando Calrissian, enters hyperspace from Sullust to begin the Battle of Endor in 4 ABY they end up destroying the Executor-class Star Dreadnought and it explodes. . .in space. See the problem here?

There is no air in space and, therefore, there could be no fire/explosions. There could also be no sound, so those cool noises made by the Tie Fighters or the Millennium Falcon going into light speed are also not very realistic.

However, would I take those away from the movie completely? Probably not. But, for my dad's sake, I'd like to show you a world where Newton's first law (an object in motion stays in motion, except after "C") holds true.

Behold the alternate, more realistic ending of Return of the Jedi:



Awkward!

This video was made by a self-proclaimed jerk called Thunderscreech and I, for one, was quite entertained.

Dad, I hope you were, too.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

First and foremost, I should let you know that this post has nothing to do with Spaghetti Westerns. . .or Clint Eastwood. . .or Italians, for that matter. But since this week consisted of sick children and little sleep, I didn't have much time to find an entertaining article/video/picture and expound upon it.

So I present to you three candidates from this week that would have evolved into a full-blown post, if only my home life hadn't been as hectic as my work life.


Here's the Good:


Wired Magazine is doing a contest to see who can disappear the longest. No, David Blaine, this one is not for you, but thanks for reading my blog! This contest is more for the Jason Bourne-type. You can click here for all the details, but if you want the skinny, here it is: they give you $2,500 and some "vital technology" and you see how long you can stay on the run with no one finding you.

Sounds easy, right? Well, not exactly. Evan Ratliff, the first person to try a stunt like this made it only 25 days and he was VERY well-prepared. I highly recommend you read his story. It's quite long, yes, but click here to read about Evan's attempt to erase his old life and create a new one.

I considered this section "good" because his story completely blew me away the first time I read it. Now let's move on.


The Bad:


Here's a Japanese commercial for tuna fish. It was made in the late 1970s. See if you can guess what popular late 70's pop culture phenomenon they're subtly alluding to. . .



Think how delicious a tuna melt would be if you cooked it with a lightsaber!


The Ugly:


This section begins with a quiz

Any guesses on what this could be? If you guessed an upside down motorcycle helmet with an exploded homemade sled rocket inside, YOU'RE CORRECT!

A 62-year-old man in Independence Township, Michigan decided it would be a good idea to fill an automobile muffler with gasoline and gunpowder in order to propel himself down a hill on his sled. . .

Huh.

. . .the news story also notes that the man had been drinking prior to attempting this.

Ah. There it is!

He had a friend light the wick on his backpack, and everything seemed to be going fine, until the wick ended and the "rocket" exploded. There was some forward motion, but that was mostly because of the natural forces of gravity pulling him down the incline and all the dropping and rolling he had to do to put the fire out. The rocket didn't do much propelling. Still, though, this has got to be a win for science somehow.

The unnamed mad scientist apparently throws a big sledding party every year, although Undersheriff Mike McCabe noted "he always does outrageous things. . .but he's never blown himself up before." Nor do I think he will again. Having burns over 20% of your body usually knocks some sense into you. You can click here for the full story and a picture of the sled!


So there you go. I hope this sampler platter was satisfying enough for you.

Until next week (or sooner, if something really good comes up)!

Is It Getting Geeky in Here?

Or is it just me?

Today's post is going to have a Star Wars theme. "What???" you're obviously shouting right now, "But, The Former 786, it's Christmas time! Why do you hate Christmas???" Trust me, I don't. Second to Halloween, it's my favorite holiday. And Christmas is followed by the 4th of July, New Year's Eve/Day, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving, Easter, St. Valentine's Day, Groundhog Day, Mother's Day, Veteran's Day, Martin Luther King Day, Father's Day, Washington's Birthday, Arbor Day, Labor Day and Flag Day - IN THAT ORDER!

But I digress.

The reason I chose to do this Star Wars post the week before Christmas is because one of these things is something I really, really want for Christmas (are you reading this, wife of mine?)! But let's start at the very beginning, because it's a very good place to start.

This first part was brought to my attention by, alert reader, Zufelt. It comes from the mind of a guy named Brian Murphy, and it asks the question, "what if Star Wars characters had Facebook accounts?"

And here are a few examples:

So there you go. It made me laugh.


This next part is the Christmas gift that I think anyone could enjoy - and yes, it also has to do with Star Wars.

From the mind of Kayla Kromer, maker of the hamburger bed, comes this beautiful, beautiful bedroom furniture.

YES! IT'S A MILLENNIUM FALCON BED!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

This comfortable-looking bed was obviously made by someone who had an attention to detail.

"But how do you sleep on it?" you ask.

The top opens up.

And you just snuggle right in - Genius!

Oh, and as an added bonus. . .it has headlights.

Wow. Just. . .just wow.

If you want to know more about the bed, you can click here and read about it on the official Star Wars blog. If you want to know more about Kayla and her creations, you can click here and become her fan on Facebook.

Star Wars.

Don't Judge a Movie by Its Cover

Many times I have asked someone "Have you seen [insert film title here]?"

And they say something to the effect of "I've only seen parts of it on TV as I was listening to my iPod, eating food, and walking in and out of the room."

Then I'll say "You should watch the whole thing. It's pretty good."

And they'll say "Nah. I basically already know what it's all about. It's not that good. I didn't like it."

This entertaining video shows why that argument doesn't work:





Moral of the story: If you haven't seen the film, you may not know the whole story. . .and people will laugh at you.