Monday, April 23, 2012

Millions of Voices Suddenly Cried Out in Terror

As a kid, it was hard for me to leave projects alone. I'd keep tinkering and tinkering, fixing this and adjusting that because I kept thinking I could do something to make the project better. Then I had a bit of a paradigm shift one day while I was cooking with my dad. I love garlic (which isn't the paradigm shift, but it PROVES I'm not a vampire) and I wanted to add a bunch of garlic powder to the soup we were making. My father told me something I've never forgotten. He said, "Son, you're adopted and I hate you."

I'm kidding. He said, "Well, you can put all the garlic powder you want into the soup. . .but you can't take any back out." I was just about to argue that I if accidentally dumped too much garlic powder in the soup, I could spoon it off the top before I stirred it in, but then the point of what he said sunk in (much like garlic powder in to a pot of boiling soup): There's a point of no return when you keep tinkering with something. Eventually you can screw things up so royally that you can't fix it.

George Lucas has dumped too much garlic powder in the soup.

We all thought George Lucas had learned his lesson after creating that Bantha fodder of a variety show, The Star Wars Holiday Special. But then he also managed to give us a spunky little Anakin, Jar Jar Binks, a new ending to Return of the Jedi and "Nooooooooooooooo!" But still, Lucas' Star Wars soup was still somewhat palatable. Sure, we might not like the soup as much as we used to, but at least it evoked fond memories of our childhood, and if you added enough crackers and cheese, you could choke down the parts that were harder to swallow. Until now. . .

“Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering.” -Yoda
You'd think I'd be excited about a new Star Wars game. However, I must warn you, faithful readers, what you're about to see cannot be unseen. The video below, sent in by alert reader, Ted, will forever alter your perspective on some of the coolest characters in the Star Wars universe. Watch at your own peril and mental distress:

No, this isn't a parody. Kinect Star Wars is an officially licensed product from LucasArts and it makes my heart cry. Sure, there are other aspects of the game (including a lightsaber duel, which is appealing), but the Galactic Dance-Off, if you'll pardon my language, is a half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!

And if the sight of Han Solo doing the "trash compactor" wasn't bad enough, the game also features a song called "Princess in a Battle" (to the tune of "Princess in a Bottle"), "Hologram Girl" (which is, admittedly, better than "Hollaback Girl") and "Empire Today" ("YMCA").

Now what can we do about this? The sad fact is we can't do anything. We just have to deal with merchandising trash like this. Because, protest as we might, it seems that every time we shoot Lucas' ideas down, he becomes more crazy than we could possibly imagine.

Hold on tight, faithful readers. This crazy Star Wars roller coaster ain't over yet.

1 comment:

Small Town Shelly Brown said...

But Joel, he is SOOOO much richer than you.
Joel $30
George $12.7 MIL
That, my friend, is a LOT of garlic powder.