To Live Action and Beyond!

Live-action remakes of cartoons are rarely good. For every live-action version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which isn't that bad), there's a live-action The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, The Smurfs, The Last Airbender, The Flintstones, Yogi Bear, Garfield and sixteen live-action Alvin and the Chipmunk movies. I don't like those odds. If you're planning on making a live-action film based on a beloved cartoon from your childhood, do us all a favor and take your script, shred it, burn it, bury it, salt the ground it was buried in, pour gasoline on the ground and light it on fire and then extinguish the fire with holy water.

That is, of course, your name is Jonason Pauley or Jesse Perrotta. These two guys have raised the bar when it comes to fan-made YouTube tributes. These guys did a live-action adaptation of Toy Story, and it's pretty darn amazing. This isn't a sweded version of the movie, either. This is a full-blown, full-length, well-done version of an iconic animated film.

Check it out:



Yes, it's the whole movie, so I don't expect you faithful readers to watch it in its entirety now. However, the next time your children (or your spouse that acts like a child) wants to watch Toy Story, throw this one on and see if it does the trick.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to finish up my screenplay for my live-action remake of Ferngully: The Last Rainforest.

Five Movies I Didn't Finish

Faithful readers, I have a hard time walking away from a movie before it's over. I tend to watch films until the bitter end, even if it makes me miserable. I mean, I have watched both The Day of the Dolphin AND The Dolphin: Story of a Dreamer in their entirety! And neither one of those movies should have been created, let alone watched. Nevertheless, there's always a part of me that needs to know how the story ends, no matter how dumb the movie may be. Also, when I'm watching a bad movie (like Lady in the Water), I just keep hoping that it will have some redeeming moment at the end (which Lady in the Water doesn't have), and it's that hope that drives me to the finish (and makes me finish movies like Lady in the Water).

However, out of the 4,815,162,342 films I've seen in my lifetime, there are a handful of movies I didn't finish. These aren't my worst hated movies -- after all, it's not really fair to pass final judgement on half-watched movies -- but here are some of the films that I found to be so bland or intolerable, that I stopped watching them and don't care to ever finish them.

High School High

I remember watching this one with my family at my sister's basement apartment when I was a teenager. We had no idea what we were in for, but soon discovered this movie is nothing more than one tasteless joke after another. I truly believe that the "inspirational teacher" genre needs to be mocked and mocked often, but this movie crossed the line too many times, and it wasn't humorous enough to justify us keeping it on. Jon Lovitz is a funny man, but this movie would not be useful evidence of the aforementioned statement in a court of law. And since I watched this movie back in the 90s, I didn't even have the internet resources to look up the ending and satisfy my curiosity. Maybe I'll do that now. Hold on one sec. . .
 . . .Yup. I'm glad we turned it off. That was stupid. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the worst movies in the world are comedies.

The Aviator
I feel somewhat ashamed of not finishing this one because it's a Best Picture nominee and it stars Kate Beckinsale. I hope that the lovely and talented Ms. Beckinsale can forgive me. However, after watching the first four and a half hours of The Aviator, I was bored and sleepy and decided to turn off the movie and do something more productive. My plan was to go back and finish this movie later, especially because of the potential of another Kate Beckinsale scene, but I never got around to it. There always seemed to be something more interesting to do than watch Leo DiCaprio brood at the camera. Personally, I preferred it when Howard Hughes was portrayed by John Locke in The Rocketeer.

Dreamgirls
Now, some of you out there may disagree with this one, but I found Dreamgirls to be utterly boring. So boring, in fact, that I didn't even remember watching it until I found it in my Netflix viewing history. To be fair, I'm not the target demographic for this movie -- I'm not black, I'm not a woman and I'm not entertained by two-hour music videos. This movie seemed to be nothing more than a showcase for the vocal chords of Beyoncé and Jennifér. Eddie Murphy boldly stepped out from behind Donkey's shadow and gave a dramatic, live-action performance. But who wants to see Eddie Murphy do serious drama? If I want to see Eddie Murphy not be funny, I'll watch . . .anything he did after 1988. I don't remember what, exactly, drew me away from the TV when watching this movie, but I do remember being relieved that I didn't have to finish it.

Post Grad
My wife chose to rent Post Grad. I agreed to watch it because it starred Michael Keaton, who is fun to watch, and Alexis Bledel, who is nice to look at. I fell asleep during this movie. I made it through about two-thirds of Post Grad before the lack of laughter dragged my eyelids down. This movie tried to be original, but it followed the predictable path of the rom-com to the point where I knew exactly where it was going -- which is why my brain no longer felt compelled to watch it. When I woke up the next morning, I asked my wife how the movie ended. She told me, and then apologized for wasting a Netflix shipment on it. I forgave her, and I also forgave Vicky Jenson, the director of Post Grad. After all, she was a storyboard artist for He-Man, (The Not Real) Ghostbusters AND Jem. My childhood thanks you, Ms. Jenson, but please just stick to drawing.

Once

I will now explain to you the plot of Once: a street performer meets a girl and they sing together. Then they talk for a bit. Then they go somewhere and sing together. Then ***spoiler alert*** they go somewhere else and sing together. That's about as far as we got before my wife told me she was too ill to continue watching it, so we turned it off and went to bed. I sent it back to Netflix the next day without finishing it, but I did look up the ending on Wikipedia. ***spoiler alert*** They wander around and sing some more. Much like Dreamgirls, this movie bored me because it felt like I was watching the movie's soundtrack. This was just a vehicle to get people interested in the music of Glen Hansard, and to help people pronounce the name of Markéta Irglová (Won-HEET-Won-Dur). It's such a boring story that they don't even bother to name the main characters! Hansard plays "Guy" and Irglová plays "Girl." Other character names in this film include, and I'm not making this up, Guy's Dad, Girl's Mother, Bassist, Lead Guitarist, Man Watching TV and, of course, Heroin Addict. I do like the song Falling Slowly, but as far as the movie goes you could say Once. . .was enough.


So there you have it. There are five movies I didn't finish. There's nothing drawing me back to them, either, so unless any of you have some strong feelings toward any of these films and/or have a powerful rebuttal, I'll probably never finish them. . .except maybe for the one with Kate Beckinsale in it.

What about you, faithful readers? What movies have you stopped watching mid-way through and never finished? And do you think you'll ever go back and finish them?

Keep Calm and Manatee On

Recently a woman named Susan Clemens noticed something was a little strange when it came to a Mossimo women's kimono maxi dress Target was selling. In the standard sizes the dress color was listed as "dark grey," but when you selected the plus size, the color changed to "manatee grey." Ouch. Target claimed that it was a miscommunication, but I wrote apparel copy for three years, and I'm willing to bet that there's a copywriter out there still giggling about this "mistake."

However, I'm worried that Target's faux pas may cause some negative feelings toward the manatee. This majestic cow of the sea is an amazing creature and doesn't deserve those antagonistic glances. In fact, manatees are actually very concerned about your well-being and happiness. Don't believe me? Check out this website sent in by, alert reader, Jeff. It's called Calming Manatee and it features a series of pictures with manatees attempting to make your day better. And if the manatee that appears doesn't have a message that speaks peace to your mind, just hit refresh and you'll be treated to another.

Here are some of my favorite calming manatees:

There. Don't you feel better already? The site doesn't have as much variety as the Procatinator (nor does it have any music), but a manatee a day is sure to keep the blues away.

Although, if calming manatees aren't your thing, there are also comforting sharks:

I'll Stop the World and Melt With You

I know what you're doing right now, faithful readers. Wow. That came off creepier than I intended! What I meant to say was, I know what you're going through currently. For you see, today is the day after Easter, which means you have a bunch of candy (or, if you are a parent, your kids have a bunch of candy that is legally yours) that is just waiting to be eaten. But I also know that you, like me, realize that eating that much candy might make you sick and it could temporarily affect your perfectly toned six-pack.

It would be a shame to let all of that candy go to waste. So this week, I'm here to offer you a helpful suggestion that will allow you to "enjoy" the candy while still keeping comments such as "Didn't those pants used to fit you?" off of the table.

And here it is: Why not make an experimental film that deals with the destruction of your Easter treats? It sounds silly, I know, but take a look at this short film by a visionary team called Lernert & Sander, which is simply titled "Chocolate Bunny."



Deep.

Poignant.

Avant-garde.

These are just a few of the words I found in a thesaurus to describe the events you just saw unfold.

Seriously, though, that was pretty fun, wasn't it? Doesn't it make you want to forgo eating all of that candy and, instead, melt it with a hair dryer?

No? You're still planning on filling that hollow chocolate Easter bunny with peanut butter?

Darn. I tried.

Oh well.

That does sound pretty good, though. . .

. . . . .excuse me, I need to go unplug my iron.

Freeze, Agent Scully!

I'm watching the X-Files again, faithful readers. I decided I wanted to see them all again, in order from beginning to end. Yes, I'm that nerdy. I have fond memories of my family and I sitting down on Sunday evenings to watch The X-Files together when it was on the air -- that is, of course, until the alleged remote-throwing incident of 1999. . .

But I digress.

In the history of television, there are few characters as unflappable as FBI Special Agent Dana Scully (as portrayed by the award-winning actress, Gillian Anderson). This medical doctor has seen all sorts of amazing and horrific things throughout the course of the show, yet she always seems to maintain her composure.

Unless you hit the pause button.

Believe it or not, there is a blog out there dedicated to the funny faces Agent Scully makes when people press the pause button at the various times during an episode.

Here are some of my favorites:

"Mmmm! These gumballs are sour!"

"Ah. You've found my secret lair, Mr. Bond. Welcome."

"Derr, don't throw the ball so hurrd!"

"How you like my sessy face?"

"Telemarketers? Ick!"

This one just creeps me out. I have no caption.

"Hey sailor."

"Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffrench fries."

"THERE IS NO SCULLY, ONLY ZUUL!"

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!"

Agent Scully is possessed and not impressed.

"Whassa matter, occifer? Was I spreeding?"

"*sniffle* Why they gotta pause my face like that? *sob*"

You can check out more Scully freeze frames on the Pause Face Scully website. My thanks to, alert reader, Ben for bringing this to my attention.

And my apologies to Ms. Anderson. We love you, Scully!

Run Loca Run

Top o' the mornin' to ya!

Even though St. Patty's be over, I'm still feeling a wee bit Irish and wanted to share this little ditty with all of you, my faithful readers, out there.

This video comes from a fine lass, and alert reader, named Crystal. And it tells the story of a little pug named Loca who, try as she might, can't run.



So there you go.

Now be off with ya before the banshee finds you wastin' time on the internet!

A Major Key and a Minor Star

Faithful readers, I'm not a music expert. I like listening to music. I feel I have a broad range of music genres that I appreciate. I even know how to read music if I stare at the note long enough. But I don't know the first thing about composing music. Nor do I truly understand the science of music. I know, for example, that a minor key evokes feelings of sadness or fear. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it's just conditioning, or maybe there's something inherently dark about the minor key. I don't know. But I do know when something doesn't sound like it should.

Take for example, this little ditty:



I love this song. It's one of the few songs that have kindled in me a strong desire to play the mandolin. Yet I wouldn't have been able to tell you that it was played in a minor key -- I'm not that musically smart. But a Vimeo user named Major Scaled took this song (among others) and digitally altered it to be in a major key. How? Once again, I'm not sure. Stop asking such hard questions. But the results have an undeniably different feel.

Sure, it's less nostalgic that way, but it has a shinier, happier feel to it, wouldn't you say? Funny how one little tweak can make a world of difference.

Also, on a related note, I'm currently obsessed with this next mashup. I've been listening to it all week. A creative mind named pomDeter took the gritty, dark industrial rock hit "Head Like a Hole" by Nine Inch Nails, and blended it smoothly with the cheery, bubble gum pop hit "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen.



Love it or hate it, it's amazing mix of bleak and bright. Kids, try playing that remix loudly in your room, and then watch your parents confusion as they try to decide whether they condemn it or condone it. It's fun for the whole family!

We All Scream for Goat Screams!

Last week's post was pretty lengthy, so I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. Are you faithful readers okay with that?



Good.

This probably doesn't shock you, but talking animals make me laugh. So when I found out that goats sometimes make noises similar to humans, it tickled my funny bone and I immediately sought out as many talking goat videos as I could find -- laughing all the way.

Then, alert reader, Mitch sent me this super cut compilation, which I would like to share with you now, so you don't have to go searching the interwebs for these clips. They're right here in one easy-to-digest video!



Not bad, eh? By the way, if you didn't laugh at that goat spitting and yelling at that man, you obviously have no sense of humor.

And just when I thought I couldn't enjoy screaming goats more, this video came along and made my week:


Unusual animal noises + pop culture =  hilarious!

So the moral of the post this week is. . .uh. . .goats are funny. . .

Don't you agree?



I thought so.